OW left me for another MM...Im at a loss...

[Fallen Angel]

Wait. So a MM that admits he loved his OW doesn't get kudos because he wouldn't leave his W for her?

 

The other thread has a similarly mourning MM, but mourning the OW he dumped. This MM was dumped for another MM because, he too, is "staying for the kids".

 

The difference I guess is that one MM is not angry at the OW. Is that it?

 

They are similar, but the fact is that this OP is angry at his OW for moving on without him when he made the choice to let her go.

 

If the other MM in question were to show anger because he found out his OW was moving on, I would answer him in the same way.

 

It was a choice they made. They chose to let go of the relationships with these women. They do not have a right to bemoan the OW moving on after getting dumped by insinuating that she has done something wrong to them.

 

If the OW had dumped them, then moan away, but the dumper has no right to be angry when the dumpee moves forward, just because they are staying stagnant.

[TOWinNYC]

Wait. So a MM that admits he loved his OW doesn't get kudos because he wouldn't leave his W for her?

 

The other thread has a similarly mourning MM, but mourning the OW he dumped. This MM was dumped for another MM because, he too, is "staying for the kids".

 

The difference I guess is that one MM is not angry at the OW. Is that it?

 

NID -

No, it's not that he doesn't get kudos for "not leaving the W". I think the W is inconsequential to this discussion.

 

In his initial post (back a couple of months) he stated that he didn't leave "for the kids". He made a decision and the OW stayed with him for another year...but ultimately ended it by telling him she wasn't in love with him anymore.

 

Now he's boo-hooing because his OW is not in love with him anymore but has literally moved on (to someone else). Once again, I think it's inconsequential that she went to another MM (although it is messed up but whatev).

 

The difference isn't that one MM is angry while the other MM was not. The point is, while we are all human and our emotions can't be helped, I don't think AIM has no right to be angry at his OW (that line of "I deserve better" sounded more like "How could she do this to me?!").

 

It was HIS decision to stay M'd.

HIS decision caused this outcome.

If anything, AIM should be mad at himself.

[TOWinNYC]

They are similar, but the fact is that this OP is angry at his OW for moving on without him when he made the choice to let her go.

 

If the other MM in question were to show anger because he found out his OW was moving on, I would answer him in the same way.

 

It was a choice they made. They chose to let go of the relationships with these women. They do not have a right to bemoan the OW moving on after getting dumped by insinuating that she has done something wrong to them.

 

If the OW had dumped them, then moan away, but the dumper has no right to be angry when the dumpee moves forward, just because they are staying stagnant.

 

Ah Fallen Angel - you beat me to it!

[TOWinNYC]

I don't happen to agree with you. I think many people can and do spend a lifetime loving their "soft landing". That one person who loved them so much that they stood by them and loved them through the hard times... that one person who didn't give up on them, and showed them what it was like to be truly loved and to be thought truly worthwhile by another human being. The one person who showed them that they would always be there, loving them.

 

Perhaps you and I have a different idea about what a "soft landing" is... to me, it is the person with whom I feel completely safe to just be me, and I know that no matter what I do or say or feel, they will love me.

 

While I don't think this is MY definition of a "soft landing" (and I know this is off-topic but) I had to comment how beautiful this passage was!!!

[NoIDidn't]

NID -

No, it's not that he doesn't get kudos for "not leaving the W". I think the W is inconsequential to this discussion.

 

In his initial post (back a couple of months) he stated that he didn't leave "for the kids". He made a decision and the OW stayed with him for another year...but ultimately ended it by telling him she wasn't in love with him anymore.

 

Now he's boo-hooing because his OW is not in love with him anymore but has literally moved on (to someone else). Once again, I think it's inconsequential that she went to another MM (although it is messed up but whatev).

 

The difference isn't that one MM is angry while the other MM was not. The point is, while we are all human and our emotions can't be helped, I don't think AIM has no right to be angry at his OW (that line of "I deserve better" sounded more like "How could she do this to me?!").

 

It was HIS decision to stay M'd.

HIS decision caused this outcome.

If anything, AIM should be mad at himself.

 

I don't disagree with your assessment about his inaction or actual decision to not divorce being his problem and not hers. But he posted about her leaving him for another MM after basically saying that she couldn't be with one married man, let alone ANOTHER one.

 

Personally, I think she likely chose the other MM to anger him and is cavorting around the office with him to anger AIM. I would bet money that she'd jump if he told her he left his W, still loves her and wants to be with her.

 

I remember AIM from before. I remember posting that I didn't think he knew what love was. But, I'm gathering that its possible that his OW - who is also married - doesn't know what it is either. Seems like she is playing a rather silly game with that other MM to get to AIM.

 

And its working.

[NoIDidn't]

While I don't think this is MY definition of a "soft landing" (and I know this is off-topic but) I had to comment how beautiful this passage was!!!

 

Yeah, it was nice flowery "this is how much and how hard I love people" but it certainly isn't the definition of "soft landing".

 

Being a soft-landing is being used for the benefit of the one landing on you. That has nothing to do with love.

[NoIDidn't]

But AIM DID get dumped by his OW. He may have chosen to stay married, but he wanted to continue the A indefinitely. And while I may not agree with him, or them, concerning the A, he didn't want to end it.

 

She ended it because he wouldn't end his M. His M was non-negotiable. He had a boundary left that she didn't like.

 

He was dumped. The A didn't end because of his M. The A ended because he also wanted to keep his M. And, in all this, SHE is STILL MARRIED too.

 

This whole situation is just unstable and full of ethical pitfalls. That either of them can be angry with the other for staying married is laughable. That she is angry that he wouldn't leave his W FIRST? Seriously? She's still married too. Hello? But I guess that gets missed because she is due some type of "guarantee" that if she leaves she'll have a soft place to land?

 

I don't think so. If she changed her mind after meeting the real AIM, he'd have no affair and no M. But she seems to want to have a M while he takes the biggest risk first.

 

I don't find that fair. Not that I find anything involved in this situation fair to the respective spouses being cheated on - but that's another point.

[TOWinNYC]

I don't disagree with your assessment about his inaction or actual decision to not divorce being his problem and not hers. But he posted about her leaving him for another MM after basically saying that she couldn't be with one married man, let alone ANOTHER one.

 

Personally, I think she likely chose the other MM to anger him and is cavorting around the office with him to anger AIM. I would bet money that she'd jump if he told her he left his W, still loves her and wants to be with her.

 

I remember AIM from before. I remember posting that I didn't think he knew what love was. But, I'm gathering that its possible that his OW - who is also married - doesn't know what it is either. Seems like she is playing a rather silly game with that other MM to get to AIM.

 

And its working.

 

Maybe, quite possibly, you're right (bolded). But as you can see, it's not like AIM is doing anything proactive to be with the woman he claims he is "still in love with".

 

Oh - and they wouldn't let me edit this line from my post "I don't think AIM has no right to be angry at his OW". I meant to say "I don't think AIM has any right". I hate grammatical errors... especially my own!

[whichwayisup]

The sickening thing is I have to see them together in the office everyday. She is probably saying "I can't control who I fall for Love just happens." I will never have an affair again. The pain outweights all of the good that happened in my affair.

 

So you won't be hurt again? What about your wife?

 

I hope you figure it out in therapy. Your priorities and loyalty is messed up. Sorry to be blunt.

[aim9618]

let me clarify this....she hid this relationship with the MM. I just put two and two together and know they are together now. She is hiding this from me for a couple of reasons. 1. She does not want to hurt me 2. She does not want me to tell your husband. 3. She will be afraid it gets out at the workplace I am still in a state of shock. Tonight was NC for the time in 2 years. I know its the right thing to do and personally I do not want to know what she is doing with this new MM. It will break my heart. Going to therapy has taught me a lot. I have a lot of issues, insecurity, needing attention from women. I want my marriage to work, but I am scared that I do not have ability to get it back. I pray I do. My wife is an amazing woman, who deserves everything and more. I am just lacking intimacy and did not get it from my wife from a long time. I am more to blame. I pray to get it back. People on LS have said to me maybe I do not know what love is and maybe they are right if I dont love myself. I never imagined this would happen to me. In my first year with her, I do not think I loved her and just love the fantasy of the affair, but as time grew on, I fell for her or maybe I just cant stand the thought of being rejected. This board has helped me. I read everyone's comments everyday to get myself straight and realize to work on my marriage. I just think it is a scummy thing to do. To dump me and then go right into another relationship right away with a MM in the office. To me it says a lot about her character and she not worth my time.

[skydiveaddict]

No offense but right now you dont have a lot of room to talk of "character"

[Summer Breeze]

Yeah, it was nice flowery "this is how much and how hard I love people" but it certainly isn't the definition of "soft landing".

 

Being a soft-landing is being used for the benefit of the one landing on you. That has nothing to do with love.

 

Nothing to do with love? NID it has everything to do with love. Not sure if it was you or someone else who mentioned parents being a soft place to land. What is that if it isn't love?

 

A soft place to land is comfort and caring. It's arms reaching out to hold you. It's understanding and stern words. It's protection and enough emotion to make sure you're taken care of. It's a place where you may bruise on impact but minimizes the pain and helps set you on your way.

 

If that isn't love then what is?

[waterlove]

Why are you judging her character when you were having an affair with her on your W? So what if the other guy is married? So are you? Maybe he offers her something you dont...I am in my first and only relationship with a MM. I am completely in love with him and its so painful to love someone and not be able to fully be with that person...waiting on his contact...very hard. If (when) we break up I will know better than to be with another MM, but not because I think it is morally wrong...it is just too painful! I am only in this because I am in love with him! Maybe she fell in love with this other guy? Don't judge...maybe you hurt her feelings and she couldn't take being with you anymore? 2 sides to every story.

 

 

 

 

let me clarify this....she hid this relationship with the MM. I just put two and two together and know they are together now. She is hiding this from me for a couple of reasons. 1. She does not want to hurt me 2. She does not want me to tell your husband. 3. She will be afraid it gets out at the workplace I am still in a state of shock. Tonight was NC for the time in 2 years. I know its the right thing to do and personally I do not want to know what she is doing with this new MM. It will break my heart. Going to therapy has taught me a lot. I have a lot of issues, insecurity, needing attention from women. I want my marriage to work, but I am scared that I do not have ability to get it back. I pray I do. My wife is an amazing woman, who deserves everything and more. I am just lacking intimacy and did not get it from my wife from a long time. I am more to blame. I pray to get it back. People on LS have said to me maybe I do not know what love is and maybe they are right if I dont love myself. I never imagined this would happen to me. In my first year with her, I do not think I loved her and just love the fantasy of the affair, but as time grew on, I fell for her or maybe I just cant stand the thought of being rejected. This board has helped me. I read everyone's comments everyday to get myself straight and realize to work on my marriage. I just think it is a scummy thing to do. To dump me and then go right into another relationship right away with a MM in the office. To me it says a lot about her character and she not worth my time.

[Confused4Now]

Why are you judging her character when you were having an affair with her on your W? So what if the other guy is married? So are you? Maybe he offers her something you dont...I am in my first and only relationship with a MM. I am completely in love with him and its so painful to love someone and not be able to fully be with that person...waiting on his contact...very hard. If (when) we break up I will know better than to be with another MM, but not because I think it is morally wrong...it is just too painful! I am only in this because I am in love with him! Maybe she fell in love with this other guy? Don't judge...maybe you hurt her feelings and she couldn't take being with you anymore? 2 sides to every story.

I'm with waterlove on this one....if she's gone to another MM there is something really wrong with her. I personally experienced all the hurt that comes from an affair and can assure you I would steer clear from any situation in the future. It almost broke me so focus on yourself first and then your marriage. Sounds like you have issues too.

[alexandria35]

So your OW likes fooling around with MM, she likes having affairs at her place of business, she likes cheating on her husband. Wow whatta catch. I wish you would leave your wife to go be with her. The two of you deserve each other and your wife and her husband deserve so much better.

[Woman In Blue]

do. My wife is an amazing woman, who deserves everything and more. I am just lacking intimacy and did not get it from my wife from a long time. I am more to blame. I pray to get it back.

Your timing's rather coincidental, wouldn't you say? Now that your MOW is screwing around with yet another married guy and no longer wants to be with you, you're suddenly lamenting the fact that your amazing wife "deserves so much more." I'm sure it's pure coincidence that you're suddenly feeling all this empathy for your wife - after you completely disrespected her for the last 3 years and didn't care WHAT she deserved. Yup, quite the 'coincidence,' indeedy.

 

I just think it is a scummy thing to do. To dump me and then go right into another relationship right away with a MM in the office. To me it says a lot about her character and she not worth my time.

You are SOOOO right! What nerve she has - dumping one married guy for another married guy! Hmmpf! I had the greatest respect for her when she was banging you and trying to convince you to leave your wife and family - but this behavior from her is unacceptable, I say!

 

And I think you're oh so noble for staying in your marriage just for your kids. Gee whiz, the sacrifices one must make for their children just boggles the mind, doesn't it? May I presume these are the SAME children that you weren't home to spend quality time with for the last few years, because you were out somewhere in a hotel room or parked in a dark parking lot, getting busy with your MOW? Just making sure I wasn't confusing these kids with another set, that's all.

 

Gosh, I think it would just be super if your wife could help you while you grieve for your lost girlfriend, don't you? If she's the "amazing" woman you claim she is, then I'm sure she'll be happy to let you cry on her shoulder about your lost "love" and nurse you back to health.

[bohogirl]

Well said.

[Iconoclast]

Question is what do you want? Your affair woman or your wife. Pick one. If wife, you're in the wrong forum.

[White Flower]

Sorry you are in so much pain. As if that's not bad enough~

You should Buckle Up - You're in for a bumpy ride here in LS.

Confused, I love your disclaimer and the fact that Dexter followed right behind!!! Are you sure you're not Dexter too? Ha ha!

 

OP, damn. Wow. You won't be treated like this huh?

 

Yet, you treated her exactly the same way. You wouldn't leave for her or make it any better for her. She had every right to leave you and find happiness elsewhere. As an OW, I feel I have the right to say that to you.

 

It IS too bad that she stumbled onto another man IN YOUR OFFICE, but again that is her prerogative. And I wouldn't call it lying that she is with another MM; I would call that changing her mind.

 

And that is ANY woman's prerogative whether OW or not!!!

[Fallen Angel]

Yeah' date=' it was nice flowery "this is how much and how hard I love people" [/b']but it certainly isn't the definition of "soft landing".

 

Being a soft-landing is being used for the benefit of the one landing on you. That has nothing to do with love.

 

There you go seeing my post through that "filter" that has recently been spoken about on another thread.

 

I was not speaking about me being anyone's soft landing. I was speaking about someone who has been my soft landing. My safe place to be. My home, no matter where we are.

 

He is all that and more for me. And I not only did not stop loving him and needing him (emotionally) after he acted as my soft landing when I left my abusive marriage, but in fact, I find that everyday I love and need him more. (I often go to bed thinking it is not possible to love him more and yet I wake each day to find out that I was incorrect the previous night!)

 

Of course being a soft landing is for the use of the one needing the cushion. Being the one to offer yourself as the pillow and take the brunt of the fall is an act of pure love. Nothing more, and nothing less.

[2themoon&back]

I am in therapy trying to figure out why I lost the spark in my marriage. Yes, my ego is bruised. I am insecure. I need attention from women. I am figuring this out in therapy. The Ow and myself have been together for a long time. Its hurts. I think what happened is she fell for this guy and then told me she fell out of love for me. I just thought she was a special person, but to be with another married guy, blows me away. Today is my first NC day in 2 years with her. Im not eating, feeling sick. I wish I didnt work with her so i can heal faster. I pray I get better and make my marriage better. Worried that I cant get the spark back. Maybe I am not a strong person.

 

 

 

wow... what a painful mess.

 

i do not care if the OW deserves the love you have for her or not it matters to you and that all that matters, period! and you are hurting.

 

what i would hope you would do is stand on your own. move out of your home, go to IC, and figure out what YOU want for YOU.

 

once you have an A the M you had before the A is over.

 

so if you take a time out for yourself you may get a chance to see your W anew and see if the M is still worth saving, because the spark must have been dull before your A with the OW and now it may not spark back up

 

the fact that you have formed feelings for the OW, and you cannot just push those away either, so alone you again can see what is right for you, (not the OW, not the W, not the Kids,) just YOU.

 

if you truly have feeling for this OW, she is slipping away and you may have lost your wife due to the A. so all you have is you, better start depending on him and what he wants. If your happy your kids will be happy too !!

 

good luck with the NC and do not worry about what OW is doing until you decide what you’re doing -----it is the only thing you have control over...yourself.

 

hugs to you ... i hope you find yourself fast and respect him!!!

[waterlove]

I'm with a MM who is in raptures over me, as i am over him...difference is I am always available to him when he wants or needs me. I have to wait on his contact. certainly makes for a passionate romance. Is the price of so much passion having to wait on your love so that you tear each other apart when you see each other? If you were together all the time would you lose that...is that what is so exciting about the whole thing? The illicit affair....no wonder it is so tempting.

[NoIDidn't]

I actually have no issue with the fact that AIM is angry with the MW that dumped him for another MM because he wouldn't leave his M. No problem with that at all. He IS supposed to be able to trust her too. But he wasn't. She kept pushing him to leave first, so she would be all set up. He didn't do. She found another MM.

 

Apparently she has some emotional issues. I don't think judging her character is fair considering they are BOTH cheating. She apparently needs to have a man give up something of value (value in her eyes) to feel that she has value. Not an emotionally healthy person, IMO.

[aim9618]

Thanks for the feedback. Can anyone give me advice on how to cope this with this, especially with me seeing her everyday? Will the pain always be this bad because total NC is not possible? Thank you.

[skydiveaddict]

Thanks for the feedback. Can anyone give me advice on how to cope this with this,

 

 

Yea, stop cheating on your wife