cant.get.over.it Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Hello World:bunny: I am so glad I found this site... it somewhat quenches this huge knot that permanently is residing inside me lately. Jeeze, I just wrote my story but it is so long I will bore everyone to death. Suffice it to say that my husband recently left me, went to Florida with a friend and boozed it up for ten days and then came home asking for forgiveness...but then I came home to find that he had emailed my brothers wife telling her how much he loved her and was tired of our relationship. Oh god, the surprise and pain. Embarassment. She didn't email him back ever that I saw, and eventually he convinced me that he was coming off of his stupor from drinking/doing drugs. :/ We have now been living together for about a month and a half again, but I find I am obsessed with whether or not he is chatting with people, is he lying about ja**ing off? Is he watching porn? I mean, I am usually considered a loyal, fun, nice person...but I find myself tortured and completely unable to trust him or want to salvage our relationship beyond proving that he is a liar. I should add that my husband has mental issues at times... he has lied in the past about going to school at all( he would say he was going to school and go somewhere else and wind up failing out of school)... doing drugs ... abusing the medication his doctor prescribes for him... and ugh, I know if I am going to be in this relationship I have to trust him but how do i start? I feel like some maniac crawls into my chest at times...my heart beats faster, I get butterflies in my stomach and goosebumps and cold all at once and I become convinced that I have to find some evidence of his lies... god I am driving myself crazy!!!! I feel so hurt... We have four kids, and I know it isn't fair to stay with him for their sake...because honestly, it is for my own sake! I can't do it alone I feel like. Please, flame me if you have to...what am I doing??? Am I playing some kind of sick game? Why am I even with someone I can't trust to stay sober(???) much less trust with my heart?
Green Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 You've already caught him in plenty of lies so really there is no reason to catch him in anymore. It sounds to me like you are adicted to creating a lot of pain and drama in your life.
Minnie09 Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 What was his reaction when you confronted him about confessing his love to this other woman? Seems to me that your H has some serious mental issues going on. He doesn't seem to be a reliable partner and father. How old are you guys? Does he have a job? Do you have your own income? You didn't give too many details, but the whole situation looks pretty ****ed up. How old are your kids? I understand that being a mother of 4, you hesitate to initiate a separation. However, at the moment he seems more of a burden than a supportive H. You're probably afraid of the consequences, but being away from a guy like that sounds a lot healthier than staying with him.
Arabella Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 I was involved with a guy just like that. He was bi-polar and also abused his drugs. During our relationship he would lie compulsively about everything, he emotionally cheated on me with people from the Internet (possibly physically too but I never got proof of that), and said horrible things to me at times. But, in the end, I know he loved me deeply. A year after breaking up, we still talk, and he still tells me that. Chances are, your husband loves you too. Some people simply aren't emotionally stable enough to be involved in a relationship. He is clearly in need of psychiatric help and you should encourage him to seek it. In the meantime, you could try a temporary separation. That way you do not have to continue dealing with his behavior on a daily basis and he will get to experience what life is like without you. Best of luck, Arabella
Author cant.get.over.it Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 You've already caught him in plenty of lies so really there is no reason to catch him in anymore. It sounds to me like you are adicted to creating a lot of pain and drama in your life. ugh I think you are right! I thought a lot about what you said, and I am really turning over a new leaf. I am also trying that '180' degree thing, and it seems like it is helping me to feel better... I am taking myself and control out of the equation. I guess it is good to take a risk to be hurt than to live in this walled up turmoil trying to defend against the unknown. Thanks for your comment
Author cant.get.over.it Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 I was involved with a guy just like that. He was bi-polar and also abused his drugs. During our relationship he would lie compulsively about everything, he emotionally cheated on me with people from the Internet (possibly physically too but I never got proof of that), and said horrible things to me at times. But, in the end, I know he loved me deeply. A year after breaking up, we still talk, and he still tells me that. Chances are, your husband loves you too. Some people simply aren't emotionally stable enough to be involved in a relationship. He is clearly in need of psychiatric help and you should encourage him to seek it. In the meantime, you could try a temporary separation. That way you do not have to continue dealing with his behavior on a daily basis and he will get to experience what life is like without you. It is funny...what you said was so similar to what has been going on around here that I actually wondered if my husband somehow figured out that I was on this site and had sent a phantom message. lol Well, I feel like I really just have to jump back in with both feet and give it my best shot. I don't want to leave him, I do love him and we are happy together when this kind of stuff isn't in the background. He is trying to convey his love to me, I just have to receive it. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience. It is easy to start thinking that nobody has been here/done that before... but what I am figuring out now is that not only have they been here/done that... but that things could be much worse also. I really hope that my focused effort to make things better will help me feel better... it is the crazy obsession that has been killing me. He just got a job yesterday too, so that gives me much hope. Thanks again Best of luck, Arabella
Arabella Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Well, I feel like I really just have to jump back in with both feet and give it my best shot. I don't want to leave him, I do love him and we are happy together when this kind of stuff isn't in the background. He is trying to convey his love to me, I just have to receive it. If there are mental issues involved, that may not be enough. His lying, his disregard for your feelings, his attention-seeking behavior, etc aren't going to change just because he says so. He's just going to get better at doing it without you finding out. And you want to believe in him so badly that you will lie to yourself and begin to turn a blind eye to suspicious behavior just because you don't want the relationship to fail. Don't do that to yourself. I've been there, done that. One year later, nothing had gotten better and finally I had to admit that I'd wasted my time and walk away. If it has been going on for a long time, it's not likely to change now unless he seeks professional help and commits to making that change. Encourage him to do so, and be there for him to help him through it, but don't let him walk all over you anymore. Keep us posted. Arabella
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