Utterly Defeated

[Vampire]

Dear all.

Here's my story that I posted back in October '09.

The briefest of re-caps so I don't bore you all, but together 10 years and 2 weeks, engaged for the last 6 months, raised her son as my own, supported her through college and Uni and pretty much gave up on my own dreams to take care of son and then over in a heartbeat after troubled son pulled a knife on me.

 

...any soap opera writers feeling the need to steal, go right ahead.

 

 

Today marks 310 days NC on my part, although she broke it a couple of times after 163 days regarding a few financial matters.

 

When I made the original post on here, I was at my lowest ebb but managed to somehow keep one foot in front of the other.

 

I did indeed end up going to college and finishing it with Distinctions. I got the highest marks of the year, 4 awards, one of which gets presented at the House of Lords in November, passed all my Uni exams and now have a place on a BA(Hons) degree starting in 2 weeks. There is even the possibility of 2 part time jobs, one being at the old college.

 

All sounds good, right?

Well unfortunately, like a lot of others, I was going through the motions in the hope that somehow she'd see just how much of a change I have made in my life and want me back.

Yes, I know, completely unrealistic and totally pathetic. But true.

 

Problem is, that she is now moving away from London for good and I know that I'll never see her again - not that I've seen her since September 29th last year, nor my step-son who is now 17.

 

 

I'm not ashamed to admit these past few days, I have cried like never before and am going through the same emotions as when we first split up.

I thought I'd got a handle on it. But now I'm back to barely eating, hardly sleeping, finding it hard to breath and having what I can only describe as panic attacks at the thought of it.

 

I am so incredibly ****ing alone and empty.

I've also lost the fight in me.

Her, her son, the pets, her family - they are all the family I have ever really known; on my side I only have my mother.

 

My mind is now back to the worst place imaginable all over again.

 

I can't repeat the process of last year where I started college under such a dark cloud and on the verge of tears any minute.

I now face the prospect of starting Uni under the same cloud, but with the added knowledge that she'll be gone for good and no amount of "If I do well she'll love me again" is going to save me.

 

 

When his wife died, the actor Peter Cushing said in an interview, "Since Helen passed on I can't find anything; the heart, quite simply, has gone out of everything. Time is interminable, the loneliness is almost unbearable and the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that my dear Helen and I will be united again some day. To join Helen is my only ambition. You have my permission to publish that... really, you know dear boy, it's all just killing time. Please say that."

 

I'm at one with his comment, apart from the fact that she won't be waiting for me. She'll be somebody else's.

 

I'm not 21 anymore and I honestly have lost the heart.

[missner]

I've felt that way before, man. The only way I get through is to weave a delusional existence so convincing I believe it, more or less that some day in the future she'll come to a realization that I'm the one she wants to be with. Because I know that even though there's a high chance it wont work out the way I want it to, there IS a small chance that it will. Eventually. Sort of like the doctors telling the patient the probability of an operation not working on some extreme case, but there being a very slim chance it does - the patient only wants to hear that slim chance and hang on to it.

 

I also have this stubborn belief that everything will always work out for me the way I want it to, no matter what, and it's something I've had for years, in all aspects of my life.

 

Then I get through my day and life.

[Fruitpunch]

This is the best thing that could have happened tbh.

If she had stayed you would sat around moping for the rest of your life.

As it stands now she IS gone. You are not getting back together.

You can finally face that realisation and start properly moving fowards with your life.

yYou have spent 12 months on this dude, its not worth another 12 months

 

We are here such a short time. If someone doesnt want to be with you, **** them, move on. You cant change it, you can only change yourself

[Vampire]

I hear you brother and that's exactly what I've been doing since we split up.

 

But when she moves 250 miles away, that chance is slimmer than an anorexic worm on a diet. And at that stage, the obvious and logical next step, is that she'll be with someone else.

 

I'm writing her a letter and I can already hear the voices screaming "Don't do it, you fool!" But at this stage, what exactly do I have to lose?

That last remaining shred of dignity is already floating down the gutter as it is.

 

I've carried it too long not to put it down on paper and I'll regret it if I don't.

[Fruitpunch]

I can promise you that you will regret it more if you do.

She left you, she hasnt been in touch, she moved on and now she is moving towns without considering you AT all.

You sending her a letter will make this 100 times easier for her as she floats along into her new life.

She knows you are there, hurting , and you will always be there.

 

She does not care about you, so why are you caring about her?

Take her off the pedestal and finally, after 12 months realise that you and her are finished.

A letter will pretty much kill off ANY shred of attraction that may be left.

 

Women like strong men, men that dont need them. She has had plenty of time to come back and she hasnt. you really need to get over this as quickly as possible

[Vampire]

I hear you pal, I really do and I've stayed strong since October 28th last year.

I haven't initiated contact at all.

 

But I just know that I'll always regret it if I don't.

Either way I'm probably screwed but this feels like the lesser of two evils.

[ShannonMI]

I hear you pal, I really do and I've stayed strong since October 28th last year.

I haven't initiated contact at all.

 

But I just know that I'll always regret it if I don't.

Either way I'm probably screwed but this feels like the lesser of two evils.

Why do we always hold out hope that we'll get back with our exes? I hate it. No matter what I hear my ex is doing, in the back of my mind, I still hold some stupid little bit of hope that someday he will come around. He probably never will and I just want to forget him. I DON'T want to hold out hope, but my heart keeps making me. I think about him non-stop and I wish I didn't. UGH! It's been 4 months since we broke up and he's moved on with some skanky (so I've been told, I'm not just assuming) little college girl who probably has the IQ of a 5 year old. I honestly don't like who my ex has become, but still there's that little bit of hope that he'll realize what a fool he's been and he'll beg me to give the relationship another try. I want to just move on with my life. I don't want to be stuck in this perpetual state of sadness and longing forever. I don't want to love him. I don't want to miss him. I don't want to feel this way. Everyday is a f-ing stuggle. When is it going to end?

Edited September 4, 2010 by ShannonMI

[Vampire]

I'm with you Shannon.

 

I think what it comes down to, is our memory of who they were at the beginning and that's what we cling to.

Honestly, if we were to meet them now, as they are - would we even look twice let alone think of the possibility?

I doubt it.

 

It's the fact that once upon a time we were so damned happy that the world couldn't compete and it's that emotion that we've been struggling to get back that drives us down Misery Lane.

 

Maybe I should start a Facebook group dedicated to us!

[missner]

Funny, I was going to write how that when we were together and things were awesome, I felt like I was on top of the world. I was always so happy and willing to do everything.

 

And while I was about to write that.. I got informed through a mutual friend that my ex is like completely over me, and sees nothing ever coming out of it.

 

Hurts!

 

Really have to move on and completely forget.

[Fruitpunch]

When you finally, FINALLY admit to yourself that its over and begin to move on its the most beautiful experience.

I got dumped a month ago after a four year. I havent contacted and instead of thinking about how to get her back i just concentrated on me.

I have had an amazing time. Yes, it hurts sometimes. but that is the worst it gets, it only gets better.

 

The reason exes get over it fast is becuase YOU dont. As soon as you are over it they panic and have to reconsider. if they know you are not over it they know they can fool around, do what they want and if they ever do change their mind, you will be there.

 

Don't give her that. Don't send her that letter and make her feel even better.

Show her you are a man and move on with your life. Thats the only thing that can attract her now

[Vampire]

I hear what you're saying FP, but it's been nearly a year for me, so I've been through that first month stage with all the intentions that go with it. At no point have I had a 'beautiful feeling' regardless of how far I pushed myself and what I acheved.

 

I've not contacted her since October so to all intents and purposes, there has been no 'panic' on her part as she is oblivious to what I'm doing.

 

And as for me being there if she ever changes her mind, 250 miles will have put an end to that. It just won't be possible.

 

I appreciate your words though.