Thoughts

[Mustbecrazy]

I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man, we're both married to other people. We've had our ups and downs but for the most part we seem to make each other very happy. Long story made short, we're planning on leaving our homes and being with each other next summer. I do believe that he would walk today and be fine with leaving his family and home, but I'm not - I need to ensure things are taking care of in relation to my son before I can leave. I feel again I feel that HE wants me to be as distant from my husband as possible, doesn't want us to go out to dinners nor to the mountains with friends for the weekend. He told me today that he wanted me to ask myself this weekend before I did anything - would HE be happy about this?? Does this seem right? He doesn't like the fact that we travel to see my son take part in the band, he would be happier if my husband stayed home. He is pushing hard for me to move out of the bedroom I share with my husband or either have my husband move out ASAP!

 

I love him and I want to be with him - but yet I don't want to waste away this year, my sons senior year as he is so active with the band! Show me where I am wrong and that this truly is just because he loves me??

[BB07]

I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man, we're both married to other people. We've had our ups and downs but for the most part we seem to make each other very happy. Long story made short, we're planning on leaving our homes and being with each other next summer. I do believe that he would walk today and be fine with leaving his family and home, but I'm not - I need to ensure things are taking care of in relation to my son before I can leave. I feel again I feel that HE wants me to be as distant from my husband as possible, doesn't want us to go out to dinners nor to the mountains with friends for the weekend. He told me today that he wanted me to ask myself this weekend before I did anything - would HE be happy about this?? Does this seem right? He doesn't like the fact that we travel to see my son take part in the band, he would be happier if my husband stayed home. He is pushing hard for me to move out of the bedroom I share with my husband or either have my husband move out ASAP!

 

I love him and I want to be with him - but yet I don't want to waste away this year, my sons senior year as he is so active with the band! Show me where I am wrong and that this truly is just because he loves me??

 

Uh......you've most likely been telling him that you have an unhappy marriage, right? So..........he sees you going through the motions that married people do, sharing a life, sleeping with your husband. If he loves you, of course he doesn't want to share you, hello! An unhappy marriage is what you've told him, but he doesn't see your actions as that to be true.

Why are you dragging out leaving, why not now, instead of later?

 

Does he share these everyday things with his wife? Does that bother you?

[WowReally]

I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man, we're both married to other people. We've had our ups and downs but for the most part we seem to make each other very happy. Long story made short, we're planning on leaving our homes and being with each other next summer. I do believe that he would walk today and be fine with leaving his family and home, but I'm not - I need to ensure things are taking care of in relation to my son before I can leave. I feel again I feel that HE wants me to be as distant from my husband as possible, doesn't want us to go out to dinners nor to the mountains with friends for the weekend. He told me today that he wanted me to ask myself this weekend before I did anything - would HE be happy about this?? Does this seem right? He doesn't like the fact that we travel to see my son take part in the band, he would be happier if my husband stayed home. He is pushing hard for me to move out of the bedroom I share with my husband or either have my husband move out ASAP!

 

I love him and I want to be with him - but yet I don't want to waste away this year, my sons senior year as he is so active with the band! Show me where I am wrong and that this truly is just because he loves me??

 

Actions speak louder than words! This is my mantra. You can BS all you want through life but if you can't produce words mean nothing.

 

I think he wants you to prove that you're as serious about leaving as he is.

 

Are you truly unhappy in your marriage or are you just looking for someone to fill in the spaces that your husband is not able to? Either way you have issues that need to be addresses sooner than later Im afraid.

[TigerCub]

I don't have the details of how long you guys have been carrying out the affair and if he does things with his W that he doesn't want you to do with your H.

 

If he does those things, then he has no right to bitch about you doing them.

 

I'm guessing that you're stalling till next year because your son would graduate by then (?)

 

Either way, if you already have it in your mind that you're going to leave the marriage, why go through the whole pretending to be a family act?

That would hurt your unsuspecting H more in the end wouldn't it?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

He sounds very controlling. Are you sure you want to be with someone that controlling? Do you and he have different relationships with your spouses? Is he jealous because you actually get along with your H?

 

I would think long and hard about whether someone who pushed me was someone I wanted to spend my life with.

[jwi71]

I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man, we're both married to other people. We've had our ups and downs but for the most part we seem to make each other very happy. Long story made short, we're planning on leaving our homes and being with each other next summer. I do believe that he would walk today and be fine with leaving his family and home, but I'm not - I need to ensure things are taking care of in relation to my son before I can leave.

 

OK. You don't feel like leaving your what, 18?, year old son in his senior year. Why? Will he be any more prepared at 19? What's going to happen in this year that makes him magically ok to handle his mother running off with some other man?

 

What are these things anyway? Why can you not do them divorced from your H?

I feel again I feel that HE wants me to be as distant from my husband as possible, doesn't want us to go out to dinners nor to the mountains with friends for the weekend. He told me today that he wanted me to ask myself this weekend before I did anything - would HE be happy about this?? Does this seem right? He doesn't like the fact that we travel to see my son take part in the band, he would be happier if my husband stayed home. He is pushing hard for me to move out of the bedroom I share with my husband or either have my husband move out ASAP!

Wait. Im confused. I thought you were staying for your son so why is moving out of the bedroom a problem? Why is canceling joint trips with your H a problem? These objections you have seem to have NOTHING to do with your son - which, per the above, is why you are staying. Why can't you attend these band events separately? Why MUST you sleep in the marital bed with your H? Why is this WHOLE paragraph about your H and NOT your son? Why would this be a problem for you?

 

Why dont you leave the marital bed? How would THAT affect your son?

Why not take separate trips and stay in different hotel room from your H? How would THAT affect your son?

 

Seems like your objections are geared towards keeping your H in the dark more than anything. And, I presume, you do this so you can run back to him if the "love of your life" proves less so.

 

I love him and I want to be with him - but yet I don't want to waste away this year, my sons senior year as he is so active with the band! Show me where I am wrong and that this truly is just because he loves me??

Yet again you switch. You want to stay for your son but cannot ACT because of your H. No doubt your MOM (married other man) has noticed this as well - of course he has...he is demanding some prudent ACTIONS from you. So...prove it to him - what he asks is NOT unreasonable at all.

 

It only seems that way if you have NO intention of actually moving out....

[torranceshipman]

I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man, we're both married to other people. We've had our ups and downs but for the most part we seem to make each other very happy. Long story made short, we're planning on leaving our homes and being with each other next summer. I do believe that he would walk today and be fine with leaving his family and home, but I'm not - I need to ensure things are taking care of in relation to my son before I can leave. I feel again I feel that HE wants me to be as distant from my husband as possible, doesn't want us to go out to dinners nor to the mountains with friends for the weekend. He told me today that he wanted me to ask myself this weekend before I did anything - would HE be happy about this?? Does this seem right? He doesn't like the fact that we travel to see my son take part in the band, he would be happier if my husband stayed home. He is pushing hard for me to move out of the bedroom I share with my husband or either have my husband move out ASAP!

 

I love him and I want to be with him - but yet I don't want to waste away this year, my sons senior year as he is so active with the band! Show me where I am wrong and that this truly is just because he loves me??

 

I think that the man needs to get a grip. Your son is important to you, and he should respect that. It sounds like some strange expectations. Mind you, it is a strange situation. TBH, why don't you 2 take a break until you've ended your M's? It needs space and time to make such a monumental decision as ending a M.

[pureinheart]

I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man, we're both married to other people. We've had our ups and downs but for the most part we seem to make each other very happy. Long story made short, we're planning on leaving our homes and being with each other next summer. I do believe that he would walk today and be fine with leaving his family and home, but I'm not - I need to ensure things are taking care of in relation to my son before I can leave. I feel again I feel that HE wants me to be as distant from my husband as possible, doesn't want us to go out to dinners nor to the mountains with friends for the weekend. He told me today that he wanted me to ask myself this weekend before I did anything - would HE be happy about this?? Does this seem right? He doesn't like the fact that we travel to see my son take part in the band, he would be happier if my husband stayed home. He is pushing hard for me to move out of the bedroom I share with my husband or either have my husband move out ASAP!

 

I love him and I want to be with him - but yet I don't want to waste away this year, my sons senior year as he is so active with the band! Show me where I am wrong and that this truly is just because he loves me??

 

Oh no, no, no...maybe I am really independant and ornery, although my response to him would be EXCUSE ME?????

 

Number one...you are not D'ed yet, until that goes down all bets are off IMO as nothing is really set in stone, and this reflects his sitch also.

 

He sounds extremely controlling IMO and I would be REALLY careful, I have dealt with controlling types and they can be dangerous.

 

I can understand him being uneasy and jealous, although it sounds like he's treating you like a little kid. I would run for the hills if I were you!

[Mustbecrazy]

Thank you to everyone that has replied to my post.

 

Background info, we've been seeing each other around 9 months or so. Yes he still lives at home, still does things with the family such as dinners out and family activities. He was tricked into going on a short family vacation that turned out to be just he and his wife for the major part of it.

 

Why do I want to stay until my son finishes high school? Guess because I want him to have an amazing senior year. I'm blessed and I do believe that he would understand, but I don't want to take away from a year he's worked so hard to enjoy.

 

My husband - this is the sad part - he's a wonderful man, he is my son's stepfather and I would have never asked for a better dad to my son. I do love him and care for him - but I have fallen out of love with him. Is it being fair to him, no no it's not it's being very unfair to him and very selfish of myself. Aren't all affairs about one person being selfish?

 

When I first started the relationship I was very clear that i was not looking to leave home, I was missing something that I just couldn't put my finger on and he agreed with this at the time. We had been seeing each other for several months and he told me that he if we wouldn't both committ to leaving home and being together than he would have to be moving on, that he wanted to leave home and he needed someone that would do the same. So maybe I truly wasn't ready to leave home - did I say this just to keep him?

 

The guy I'm having the affair with, he states that he is easy to please and that he doesn't want that much. I do feel pressure to ensure I call him within his requested time frames, to email him and to make him feel wanted. Currently I work in a field where each day could very well be the last day a person spends with their loved one. Yes I have spent many hours at work and failed to call and/or txt him, he does become very upset with this. I find that hard to handle - I'm talking about a person's life and he's upset that I didn't call to make him feel special?

 

 

Maybe it is time to end this relationship, maybe it is - but why does it hurt so bad to think of him not being in my life. Is this a case of me wanting my cake and eating it to??

[BB07]

Thank you to everyone that has replied to my post.

 

Background info, we've been seeing each other around 9 months or so. Yes he still lives at home, still does things with the family such as dinners out and family activities. He was tricked into going on a short family vacation that turned out to be just he and his wife for the major part of it.

 

Why do I want to stay until my son finishes high school? Guess because I want him to have an amazing senior year. I'm blessed and I do believe that he would understand, but I don't want to take away from a year he's worked so hard to enjoy.

 

My husband - this is the sad part - he's a wonderful man, he is my son's stepfather and I would have never asked for a better dad to my son. I do love him and care for him - but I have fallen out of love with him. Is it being fair to him, no no it's not it's being very unfair to him and very selfish of myself. Aren't all affairs about one person being selfish?

 

When I first started the relationship I was very clear that i was not looking to leave home, I was missing something that I just couldn't put my finger on and he agreed with this at the time. We had been seeing each other for several months and he told me that he if we wouldn't both committ to leaving home and being together than he would have to be moving on, that he wanted to leave home and he needed someone that would do the same. So maybe I truly wasn't ready to leave home - did I say this just to keep him?

 

The guy I'm having the affair with, he states that he is easy to please and that he doesn't want that much. I do feel pressure to ensure I call him within his requested time frames, to email him and to make him feel wanted. Currently I work in a field where each day could very well be the last day a person spends with their loved one. Yes I have spent many hours at work and failed to call and/or txt him, he does become very upset with this. I find that hard to handle - I'm talking about a person's life and he's upset that I didn't call to make him feel special?

 

 

Maybe it is time to end this relationship, maybe it is - but why does it hurt so bad to think of him not being in my life. Is this a case of me wanting my cake and eating it to??

 

MBC, you don't in any way sound ready to leave your marriage and you are cake eating for sure. You've known this guy for a few months and you are thinking about leaving a marriage for him plus endangering your marriage? Oh pls...you can't know him that well and frankly I would think that what you do know about him isn't all that. He comes across as needy and possessive.

 

If I were you, I'd back up and seriously think about what you are doing right now and what you are contemplating. Reality can be a bitter pill to swallow, but you need to swallow some to get a grip.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man, we're both married to other people.

 

a wonderful man that lies and cheats??

 

 

 

We've had our ups and downs but for the most part we seem to make each other very happy. Long story made short, we're planning on leaving our homes and being with each other next summer. I do believe that he would walk today and be fine with leaving his family and home, but I'm not - I need to ensure things are taking care of in relation to my son before I can leave.

 

meaning what?

 

 

I feel again I feel that HE wants me to be as distant from my husband as possible, doesn't want us to go out to dinners nor to the mountains with friends for the weekend. He told me today that he wanted me to ask myself this weekend before I did anything - would HE be happy about this?? Does this seem right? He doesn't like the fact that we travel to see my son take part in the band, he would be happier if my husband stayed home. He is pushing hard for me to move out of the bedroom I share with my husband or either have my husband move out ASAP!

 

 

maybe your MM should tell your husband you 2 are having an affair...that'll get the ball rolling.

 

 

I love him and I want to be with him - but yet I don't want to waste away this year, my sons senior year as he is so active with the band! Show me where I am wrong and that this truly is just because he loves me??

 

cheaters don't know what love is. you think that when the relationship gets some age on it that he won't get bored and be looking to bone other women behind your back later? or vice versa?

 

so what do you plan to do.....waste more of your husband's time only to drop the bomb later?

 

ok, so your son is a senior....then once he graduates, tell your husband you want a divorce. Quit wasting your husband's time when he could be out there looking for someone who isn't a cheater.

[Dexter Morgan]

on another note, a friend of mine's mother cheated on her father when he was about 18, end of his high school career.

 

that was 20 years ago.....he still isn't speaking to her.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

When I first started the relationship I was very clear that i was not looking to leave home, I was missing something that I just couldn't put my finger on and he agreed with this at the time.

 

For what little it is worth, this is my two cents... could be way off base...

 

The something people are missing, especially when they have a wonderful spouse at home, is usually something from within. Kids, spouses, extended families, jobs... we tend to lose ourselves in all of that, and then BOOM, where before we were numb, all of a sudden something makes us feel alive again. I'm of the belief that this IS NOT magic. Some people call it a midlife crisis, and most people who have them do somewhat destructive things and very often act out of character for themselves.

 

I wondered if you have had any counseling to figure out some answers as to WHY? I realize that in the few paragraphs you've shared its difficult to get a good take on your MM, but he sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. You're and adult and responsible for the consequences of your actions, but it would be so sad to see a family torn apart and then you end up with a man who isn't so wonderful, who is very controling, who for no reason questions you and makes demands. That's not love.

 

I have a friend whose best friend married a very well off MM who was also a very respected in the community. A year or so in, she confided in my friend how while they led this wonderful life, she felt he was sucking her dry. A year later it was worse. He pitched a fit when 5 old girlfriends wanted to meet for lunch on a Saturday afternoon and she gave in to avoid a fight. My friend had tears in her eyes when she told me how her bff since kindergarten now couldn't even stop for coffee or have an afternoon walk in the park, she had to do it in the neighborhood. I asked if there where any signs of this before she married him, and she thought back and agreed that there had been. He would get very upset when she would travel with her daughter to competitions and even once used the business to prevent her from going at all.

 

I don't condone affairs. I believe that this woman got what she deserved in a sense that she was part of breaking up a marriage (she was single), I think its very sad for her children to see this though, just because their mother was swept away and made bad decisions.

 

I hope your own family doesn't suffer for something that very well could have been avoided and you end up unhappy as well. I mean, if p eople are going to be hurt, atleast someone should get some happiness from this.

[awkward]

If you don't love your husband and plan to leave him, why are you still sleeping with him? Does he know that you guys are playing happy little family and taking these trips only for your son's sake?

 

It's hard enough to get one person to leave their marriage for their affair partner, let alone both of them. Make sure you leave your marriage because you are done with the marriage and not because you are pretty sure that your MM will leave his.

 

Also, when was the last time someone "tricked" you into taking a vacation. Do you feel like you are seeing this situation clearly?

[Dexter Morgan]

If you don't love your husband and plan to leave him, why are you still sleeping with him? Does he know that you guys are playing happy little family and taking these trips only for your son's sake?

 

I have always had a problem with this. playing happy family when they know they will drop a bomb on them later.

 

I consider it mental cruelty and manipulative.

 

Her husband would do well to be rid of her.

[whichwayisup]

What a mess. Each of you should just divorce and have time alone, sort out and deal with the fallout that's going to follow.. You each should be OK being alone ,reguardless if he divorces or not, reguardless if you divorce or not.

 

if he wasn't in the picture, would you consider leaving and divorcing your husband?

 

I could be wrong, but I think this is going nowhere. He's pushing you and when the time comes you leave, my guess is, he's going to balk and say he cannot leave his wife and kids, that he's changed his mind. Seems one person is willing to leave and divorce, and the other usually ends up chickening out. It's rare to see BOTH MM and MW divorce to be together.

[crazycatlady]

Thank you to everyone that has replied to my post.

 

Background info, we've been seeing each other around 9 months or so. Yes he still lives at home, still does things with the family such as dinners out and family activities. He was tricked into going on a short family vacation that turned out to be just he and his wife for the major part of it.

 

Why do I want to stay until my son finishes high school? Guess because I want him to have an amazing senior year. I'm blessed and I do believe that he would understand, but I don't want to take away from a year he's worked so hard to enjoy.

 

My husband - this is the sad part - he's a wonderful man, he is my son's stepfather and I would have never asked for a better dad to my son. I do love him and care for him - but I have fallen out of love with him. Is it being fair to him, no no it's not it's being very unfair to him and very selfish of myself. Aren't all affairs about one person being selfish?

 

When I first started the relationship I was very clear that i was not looking to leave home, I was missing something that I just couldn't put my finger on and he agreed with this at the time. We had been seeing each other for several months and he told me that he if we wouldn't both committ to leaving home and being together than he would have to be moving on, that he wanted to leave home and he needed someone that would do the same. So maybe I truly wasn't ready to leave home - did I say this just to keep him?

 

The guy I'm having the affair with, he states that he is easy to please and that he doesn't want that much. I do feel pressure to ensure I call him within his requested time frames, to email him and to make him feel wanted. Currently I work in a field where each day could very well be the last day a person spends with their loved one. Yes I have spent many hours at work and failed to call and/or txt him, he does become very upset with this. I find that hard to handle - I'm talking about a person's life and he's upset that I didn't call to make him feel special?

 

 

Maybe it is time to end this relationship, maybe it is - but why does it hurt so bad to think of him not being in my life. Is this a case of me wanting my cake and eating it to??

 

BBM

 

Whoa....look at what is in bold. Really look at this. He doesn't want to leave unless he has someone to leave with. That is not a good sign. First off its really unhealthy to need someone like that. If he can't be alone, he's going to be clingy and needy. He told you if its not you he's finding somoene else who will leave and be with him. Yikes!

 

I think you should confess to your husband. Break things off with MM because he's not in a healthy place. I agree with the suggestion of IC because something missing does usually come from within. Gotta love yourself to truly love others.

 

But yeah....the mm doesn't seem very healthy at all.

 

CCL

[Ellin]

I don't know why but after reading the whole thread I somehow have doubts in my mind as to whether your MOM would REALLY leave his marriage, of you left your now...

[eleanorrigby]

If you are intending to leave your husband by next summer don't you think it might be a good idea to stop sleeping in the same bed with him amongst other things to kinda, sorta, prepare him for this traumatic event?? Or were you hoping to pull the rug out from underneath him?

[WowReally]

I have always had a problem with this. playing happy family when they know they will drop a bomb on them later.

 

I consider it mental cruelty and manipulative.

 

AMEN!

 

I dont understand this either ...then again maybe it's all about comfort zones and not wanting to upset the apple cart for appearances sake.

 

I'd love to hear why people need to keep up appearances that hide the sad truth behind a mediocre predictable on it's way to separation marriage.

[Iconoclast]

Have him call and tell your husband that he will not tolerate him sleeping with his girlfriend.

[Mustbecrazy]

Thanks to everyone for replying to my post - I've ended the affair and yes I do agree if I can't be happy with ME, I will never be happy with anyone!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I have to say that I'm surprised he let you go so easily.

[Mustbecrazy]

Well I wouldn't say it was so easy, harsh words - told me how I should feel, even stated that maybe the business trip he has upcoming would answer it for me with the plane crashing! I don't get it - he always stressed - BE HONEST, so I am and then it's the wrong words, or the words he doesn't want to hear. BE HONEST - how funny....we're both having an affair...but BE HONEST......I guess I couldn't see the forrest for the trees.

 

As someone on the board said, no one should be that needy on another human being. I'm a grown woman, althought I haven't been acting like it, it's time for this lady to stop being a spoiled selfish person and start being the friend, mother, wife - she was meant to be!

 

Life is way to short to live in fear of forgetting a telephone call, or worrying if you sent enough emails that day to make someone feel special. Life is too short to feel badly for going to get your toes done and not sneaking of to see someone. It's all so clear now........I'll be honest, I wasn't very happy with some of the replys that came in. But hey - the truth wasn't meant to always be nice was it.

 

Again - thanks for opening my eyes!

[waterlove]

He's a man,,,of course he's jealous of the other man in your life! If he wasn't would you be in love with him? I am single, with a MM, he lives with his wife and he's is of course jealous of me and doesn't want me to even go on a date with anyone else because I am his. I like it like that, but I am torn up inside that he is sleeping next to his wife and I am home alone. However, I make the choice to be with him,,,no one is forcing me to be in this relationship...if he wasn't jealous of me I would wonder if he really cared about me. Men are more jealous than we are is my conclusion.

 

 

 

I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man, we're both married to other people. We've had our ups and downs but for the most part we seem to make each other very happy. Long story made short, we're planning on leaving our homes and being with each other next summer. I do believe that he would walk today and be fine with leaving his family and home, but I'm not - I need to ensure things are taking care of in relation to my son before I can leave. I feel again I feel that HE wants me to be as distant from my husband as possible, doesn't want us to go out to dinners nor to the mountains with friends for the weekend. He told me today that he wanted me to ask myself this weekend before I did anything - would HE be happy about this?? Does this seem right? He doesn't like the fact that we travel to see my son take part in the band, he would be happier if my husband stayed home. He is pushing hard for me to move out of the bedroom I share with my husband or either have my husband move out ASAP!

 

I love him and I want to be with him - but yet I don't want to waste away this year, my sons senior year as he is so active with the band! Show me where I am wrong and that this truly is just because he loves me??