Pipeline010 Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 I think I'm pretty screwed here. Seeking advice. Me and my fiancé have been together for 5 years. A total dream from the beginning. Love that was a fire on both sides. People we met always thought we were related to eachother or random strangers would tell us how amazing of a couple we looked. We opened a couple retail businesses about 2 years ago. Since then things got tougher. Not enough time not enough money, resentment began to build with depression on both sides. You would have a hard time spotting it tho because we still loved the **** out of eachother. I certainly didn't notice when her depression was getting out of hand. In the summer I work away from home, but we are still together 5 nights a week. The driving and distractions of the summer kept me from noticing how sad she had become over the past 7-8 months. In swoops an old high school friend with a girlfriend of his own (1-2yRL). I knew she was hanging out with him this summer but didn't worry. I'm by far the better man, and didn't stress it much. Alot of guys are in love with my lady. She's hot, and I never stressed it much. Well with me distracted and her sad he swooped in and became her 2 month confidant. He wiggled his way inside her brain as she was upset about our issues and began to offer her that easy release of it all. He broke up with his girlfriend about a week and a half ago, I believe because he was all about my lady. She is that wonderful. She told me on Sunday morning that she has been depressed for a long time and that she wants to just get our life going (marrage house etc). Later on that day I find out all about this other chief as well. She swears up and down that she hasn't done anything physical with him yet. I believe her. (here's the basics of this week since) We talk, we cry. I tell her we can fix this but she first has totell this guy that she can't see him anymore and she needs to focus on her relationship. She says she can't do that. She's afraid of falling back into a depressing place and he is offering something so easy. As we talk and are together he texts constantly. When I'm off in the otherroom she responds. She goes to see him a night this week. He tells her he's falling for her. She tells him nothing, says to me she's just not there yet with him. We try to have sex a couple times. I'm too stressed, can't get it up. She wants me, I can't fulfill her. She tells me she's starting to feel numb. She can't cry anymore. She wants to see a psychiatrist with me to see what advice we can get. My mom recomends someone and the bastard won't get back to me. Called him 2x and set an email. We live together and both have to work the nearby businesses. I know this crap with this guy is total ****, but I have nowhere to escape to to get my power back. I'm an anxious and neurotic mess and I know it will continue to drive her closer to him but I'm lost! She wants counseling with me but for advice, she won't go so far as to say to fix us. This guy is a total freaking loser, I outclass him in every damn category but he has her ear and I'm trapped being neurotic with no escape. What the heck do I do!!? Stay and try towork it out with her?? She seems to be saying she wants to but she is refusing o stop talking to this loser. She has said how messed up she's being, she knows it, she can't figure out why she can't stop. She keeps saying 'how did this happen to us!? US!?' advce please I'm freaking losing it!!
thrownaway Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Oh my! I think you need to personally visit the Dr's office to get that appointment set... and tell them it's urgent and to put you on the 'cancellation list', so if an appointment comes available last minute you can grab it (and you better be prepared to go last minute). I would also start setting up a plan B just incase she does leave you. Continue the therapy on your own - even if she does leave! You have businesses to keep afloat, you certainly want to be able to maintain them for your future's sake. If she does leave, you will find someone else.
Eeyore79 Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 (edited) She has been having an emotional affair with this man, and she needs to cut all contact with him if your relationship is to recover. At present you are being a doormat, just sitting there waiting for her to choose you or him. You need to be harsh with her and have some self respect, or she will lose all respect for you and your relationship is doomed. Tell her she either chooses to cut contact with him and focus on fixing her relationship with you, or your relationship is over and you are leaving. No more allowing her space to make up her mind, no more tolerating her refusals to cut contact with him - either she stops contacting him or you leave now. She has to feel that there's a very real possibility of losing you if she doesn't cut contact with this man. At present you've shown her that she can get away with still contacting him and it has no consequences, she won't lose you. You have to scare her by showing her she could lose you, so she'll see sense and end her affair. Then you need to work on fixing your relationship, maybe get some counselling or something. ETA: How long have you guys been engaged? Are there any wedding plans? Has your relationship paused at the engagement phase and stopped progressing towards marriage? Edited September 3, 2010 by Eeyore79
Darren Steez Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 What the freaking hell!! In the cold light of day, it seems she's using every emotional trick in her arsenal to keep you both hooked. so she's depresssed and using this guy to get to a good place..and you're taking the counselling..and you're letting her visit him and text him? Come on guy, you say you outclass this guy but this guy obviously outclasses you in one department, feel good sex, because everything else is nonsense and she wont break contact because this is more than emotional, it's physical. If she was serious about working on your relationship, she would seek help for herself and help for you both, actions speak loud my friend not platitudes. It's either no contact and work on your relationship or she ships out, she cant have her cake and eat it...unless you truly are that understanding you allowing her to get her physical fix while you wait for her to come to her senses..while she being boinked senseless.
Author Pipeline010 Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 (edited) @eeyore we got stilted after the engagement stage to be sure. we spoke on this as well this week...here is the breakdown of what we shared to eachother: her perspective: she felt i wasn't putting enough of myself into the process. she had a meeting with her dad and her mom (divorced) to plan the finances of the wedding and i didn't attend it. my perspective: she had originally planned this beautiful wedding with a cost of about 25k. when her parents balked at the price and started bickering, i started to feel like i needed to come up with the money to pick up the slack to give her her dream wedding. but i just couldnt get there. i didn't want the love of my life to have to compromise on a wedding. recently (within the past year) she has remarked that she 'just wanted to get married already.' so i began to look into simpler more affordable options for us. we set a general date of a year from september to plan, and i began to do cost analysis and planning. i stopped once summer started because i just simply dont have the time for that task in those 2.5 months. @Darren I appreciate your blunt frankness, i do. it's hard to get through to people when they are emotionally wrapped up, its good that you're harsh. But she has not been physical with him. That is what she told me and that is what I have to believe until I find out otherwise. In the past I've forced her to admit a lie and I've attempted to get her to admit something when she was NOT lying, and I know the different reactions. Im 99% sure she's not lying about this. This is, as eeyore says, and emotional affair. @Eeyore: When I first learned of this guy I gave her that very ultimatum: drop him or we can't fix this...she says she just can't right now. UPDATE: I spoke to her today when we took a break from the shops. we had 2 separate conversations...here they are: Conversation #1. A pattern of behavior She needs to fix herself. She will continue this pattern of behavior and it will happen again. After a year of dating I was bumming for about a month and missed some important stuff she needed me emotionally available for. As a result she started talking to some guy related to her work. I called her on it and she dropped the guy immediately. Then she opened up about how she felt alone and the way I was behaving was causing it. I amended what I was doing and we were totally happy again. I told her that this crap she is pulling now is a pattern: When i get depressed she reaches out to other guys to fill the attention void. This guy shes talking to is nothing special except that he listened to her when she needed someone, anyone. She agreed that she needed help with that. I told her I wouldn't accept her back til she was able to fix that, cause I'm not going to marry someone that may run off because I get sad. Conversation #2: Whats the big deal this time i came at her with the fact that we may have blown this whole thing way way out of proportion. bottom lines being: a. she hasnt cheated b. we still love eachother c. we have some crap to work out, and she told me about it d. we are so used to being so damn perfect all the time that the second we have a rough patch to get through requiring real change we assume its the end of everything. I told her I way way overreacted when I first learned of what was going on. I asked her to think about this. THE BAD NEWS first convo went well, 2nd one i think she had had enough. she was mentally exhausted and told me so. she wants a break, time. wanted to get away, maybe even out of state to get her head together. every time she gets her mind to settle i show up and make it a mess again. i left her saying i was sorry, that i knew i was pushing and it was the last thing she needed. GOOD NEWS she sees the pattern with the guys. .said that this guy is a good old friend that she would want to keep as a friend even if/when we worked things out (i'd take care of that little issue). I said maybe you have confused that confidant and friendship as potentially something more just because of your running pattern. She said it was possible. Edited September 3, 2010 by Pipeline010
Eeyore79 Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 When I first learned of this guy I gave her that very ultimatum: drop him or we can't fix this...she says she just can't right now. So you didn't actually give her an ultimatum, did you? Because she chose the other guy, and you didn't walk away. Now she knows she can continue contacting this man and you will hang around like a doormat while she does it. Saying "she just can't right now" is not an acceptable answer - you're letting her get away with having the best of both worlds, and you need to put your foot down and have some self respect. Give her a proper ultimatum, and stick to it: Either she drops this guy or you walk away. If she still refuses to drop him, you walk - show her you mean business. Only when she realises she can't mess you about and is really risking losing you will she come to her senses and agree to cut contact with this man.
Author Pipeline010 Posted September 4, 2010 Author Posted September 4, 2010 @Eeyore i didn't read your post til after the fact, but i left last night. we (I) was driving us crazy with too much talk, so i asked her if she wanted to go see a movie...that way we couldnt talk and we'd just have to sit. she said ok. we were having a bite at home 20m before the movie was to start, and were quibbling over nonsense. she laughingly said, 'why don't you just go away to XXXX for the weekend.' me - "is that what you want me to do?" her - "thats not what im saying, i dont want to make u leave" me - "its totally fine if you do...you want time to think and i feel like im making us nuts" her - "i do want time, but i also dont know if i want to be without you" me - "same...i want to give you time but i dont know how to not be around you" me - "lets just do the movie then decide after" her - "ok" i go into the bedroom to grab a shirt and come out and see her texting... me - "who is that" her - silence me "c'mon, who is it" her - "its him" me - "this is ****ing bull****, i can't do this" her - "i know, i know, im sorry" i pack a bag, she stands sad/shocked. i touch her arm as i leave, look her in the eye me - "i love you more then ive ever loved anyone and i know i screwed up. if you want to fix this you call me when your done **** ing around." drove off, no contact since. my friend has my phone, so i dont know if shes sent any contact yet.
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