AverageJoe Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 That being said, discussing it and actually doing it are two different things. It's like people getting engaged, only to get married a year or two later. True enough, but you should understand by saying this you will be setting off a chain of events in his mind. This is your idea afterall. Good luck.
Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 True enough, but you should understand by saying this you will be setting off a chain of events in his mind. This is your idea afterall. Good luck. So what exactly are you suggesting? You think 4 years is a good time to wait before moving in. Do you think the man should be the one bringing it up, or after 4 years, are both partners free to bring it up?
melodymatters Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Ok, wow, deep breath prettybaby, looks like it's a full moon or something here judging by some of the latter posts !!! So, you both are in love, healthy relationship, together enough to own your own houses and have your own careers, and have been in a committed relationship for 2 yrs correct ? Sounds like a lovely recipe for a potentially long and happy future ! I know you don't want to be the one to broach the subject, but YES, two years is long enough to start at least making some sort of plans, together ! I'm a "just out with it kind of person", but if you are a little more reserved, you COULD wait until the next futuristic discussion comes up, and then slip in " Yeah, you know, do you think maybe we should live together before ( baby, marriage, whatever) I think it might be nice/smart/fun/illustrative" and then REALLY LISTEN. IF he puts you off, I would find that odd in such a mature, seemingly close R. If he gives you an answer, well it's a starting point for discussion ! Do NOT feel badly. You are behaving and thinking in a completely sane, kind, and adult manner IMO !
anne1707 Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Prettybaby I must admit that in all the time you have been posting about you and your boyfriend, I have always found it slighly "odd" as to how passive you both are - especially him. It took a relatively long time for you to kiss and then to take it further. You also seemed to have issues about communicating about concerns regarding your sister in law and her twin sister who your bf once dated (I think I have got the relationships right there). Now you are posting about living together and the thing that stands out to me is that you maybe only see each other once a week whilst you only live 15 minutes apart. I'm sorry but I really do think that most couples in a committed relationship that lived so close to each other would see each other a lot more than that (and no, twice a week does not count as a lot more). I'm sorry but I just see so many "red flags" about this relationship
Stung Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 That's an interesting suggestion that may be worth looking into. I don't want to sell mine, because I'm very attached to it. We even had our first kiss on the front step But besides that, it's a great investment, and if I ever move out, I'll definitely rent it out. It will provide a solid additional income. Plus, if we ever break up (I hope not, but you never know), I'll always have my own house to move back into. Just in case! I paid mine cash, so I have no mortgage. He does pay off a mortgage on his for the next 15 years or so. Your idea of renting both out sounds good. Although I'm not sure his would rent out that easy. He lives in a less populated, more upscale neighborhood, so the demand is lower and rent is so high it equals paying off a mortgage, so most people there prefer to buy. In fact, we saw one in his neighborhood for rent in June, and the owners finally gave up and just sold it instead. That being said, it could still be an option if he rents it out a little below average. Anyway, I'll keep it in mind thanks Look very in-depth into your local real estate market first, obviously, AND into the tax ramifications. In the area in which I live, it's an excellent time for buying but loans are much more difficult to come by than they were just two years ago, and it's a horrible time to try to sell or even rent out property. Many places around here are renting for below the cost of the mortgage, although fortunately it usually evens out for the owners at tax time. On a purely romantic plane it can feel nice to settle into a third property you pick out together--and if you can afford it, it could be the start to your forming a real estate empire together . Sometimes couples just plain feel more comfortable starting out in a new place together, if they're able to. But on a purely practical level moving into his place and renting out yours to help pay his mortgage makes a LOT of sense. Frankly it's also a lot less labor-intensive. If you like the idea of living together in a third property, consider renting a place together for a while, and not buying a property jointly until after marriage or until the market is more favorable in your area-- or until you feel so secure in your relationship that you are willing to sell one or both of your own properties to finance the purchase. My husband and I own multiple properties we are landlords over, but we rent the flat we live in while we're deciding on where we really want to settle down. Obviously you still have to have the moving-in conversation first! If he's already brought up a future and children, it shouldn't be so difficult. Just drink a glass of wine down in a gulp and blurt it out .
xxoo Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Now you are posting about living together and the thing that stands out to me is that you maybe only see each other once a week whilst you only live 15 minutes apart. I'm sorry but I really do think that most couples in a committed relationship that lived so close to each other would see each other a lot more than that (and no, twice a week does not count as a lot more). This strikes me as odd, as well. When my H and I were dating, we saw each other every day if at all possible. Two years in, we definitely knew each other's viewpoints about if/when to live together, get married, and have children. There is certainly the possibility that he doesn't want to live with you. But, if that is the case, wouldn't it be better to know now rather than two years from now? You want to live together. You aren't demanding it happens right now, but you want to know if you are on the general "same page". If not, that is something you need to know, right?
AverageJoe Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 So what exactly are you suggesting? You think 4 years is a good time to wait before moving in. Do you think the man should be the one bringing it up, or after 4 years, are both partners free to bring it up? Look, I just offered my opinion as a man. Thats all we have here, are our opinions. You do what you feel you should, thats your call. So far I have noticed in your thread you have many potential future plans laid out. Unfortunately, he has no idea about these plans of yours you have laid out here. He is probably sipping on a cup of coffee relaxing somewhere right now, and has no idea what is coming his way. But all of us here do, dont we? You say he has mentioned wanting to get married, and have babies. Someday he does. Has he ever said he wants to get married to YOU, and have YOUR babies? I just dont understand what the damn hurry is. The women here are going to be on your side, no question. But I, as a man, thought I would give you an outside perspective. Have you thought about, when you ask him, if he says no?
Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 Prettybaby I must admit that in all the time you have been posting about you and your boyfriend, I have always found it slighly "odd" as to how passive you both are - especially him. It took a relatively long time for you to kiss and then to take it further. You also seemed to have issues about communicating about concerns regarding your sister in law and her twin sister who your bf once dated (I think I have got the relationships right there). Now you are posting about living together and the thing that stands out to me is that you maybe only see each other once a week whilst you only live 15 minutes apart. I'm sorry but I really do think that most couples in a committed relationship that lived so close to each other would see each other a lot more than that (and no, twice a week does not count as a lot more). I'm sorry but I just see so many "red flags" about this relationship How are they red flags? We really are busy people. He works two jobs, plays in a band, babysits for his brother. While I work more than full time too and take care of my parents who have both been in & out the hospital for well over a year now, all while trying to keep in touch with my friends. So yeah, we only live 15 minutes away, but often times, it's simply not possible for us to see each other more than once or twice a week. We do call daily though. If you were living our life, you would understand. Like I said, it was much easier when he had some time off this Summer. We saw each other every other day or so, that was nice We're not passive in a negative way. We're two rational people who don't have time for drama and arguments, and are very considerate of each other's feelings. Yes, like I said (even in this thread), he's shy by nature and it took him a while to open up in the early stages. Why hold it against him? Aren't shy people allowed a chance to have a happy relationship, even if it does take them a while to open up? The whole sister in law/twin thing happened about a year ago. So you have to realize that we had only been together for half the time we've been together now. And in certain aspects, our relationship had still not ventured into certain territories. I wasn't sure back then how to bring it up exactly, and whether it was even worth it, because again, just like this particular thread now, I'm considerate of his feelings as he is with mine. And I'm not the type of person who blurts out whatever goes through her mind without a filter. It's easy to open a can of worms in a relationship, it's harder to keep a healthy balance. You have to learn to pick your battles. You're referring to every step in our relationship as if it had been nothing but red flags. You also have to realize that what you're reading here through my past posts are the times I had a few spare hours on some odd days to actually sit down and ponder about certain things and wanted to read about other people's opinions, which is what this forum is for. Outside this forum, our relationship has been going really well. It took me a while to understand that he was very shy at first, but once he opened up, what a pleasant surprise! And yeah, the twin sister thing was weird at first, but so what, most people would have felt a little weirded out at first. It's only natural. So anyway, yes, now I'm asking about us moving in together. And just like I've done with all my previous threads, I'm just sharing our situation, asking for opinions, and gathering some ideas. And just like I've been doing for the past 2 years, I will slowly make up my mind about it and I'll figure out the best way to proceed. Which has been working out very well for two years now. I like to ponder and weigh my options, instead of brutally imposing my thoughts the second they cross my mind. I don't consider it a bad thing.
anne1707 Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 OK THere are more things you have posted about your relationship than I have referred to here and it all seems a bit forced to me - as if you are both dancing around each other too scared of truth/commitment/opening up/whatever. I see red flags. You don't. I see things I would not tolerate or you do things I would not because I would rather stand up and say what I want/expect in a relationship. There you go. We're all different thanfully.
Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 Has he ever said he wants to get married to YOU, and have YOUR babies? I just dont understand what the damn hurry is. The women here are going to be on your side, no question. But I, as a man, thought I would give you an outside perspective. Have you thought about, when you ask him, if he says no? Yes, he said specifically with me. He even said he hopes our babies look more like me lol I do appreciate your perspective. It's funny how different it is from women, because on the other hand we have xxoo here who thinks that 2 years in is awfully slow. I guess everyone here is comparing this with their own relationship, which I suppose isn't always accurate since all relationships are different. And I'm sure that our lifestyle and schedules are also very different from other people here, so it's hard to compare I guess. Anyway, to answer your question, I do keep the idea of him not being thrilled as a 1% possibility. However, from his behaviour and my gut feeling (which has been dead on every time in the past with him), I'm sure that's what he wants. The only thing I'm not sure about is the timing. And that's hard to know unless one of us brings it up. Like I said, I'm not really in a rush to move in right this second. I'm just starting to wonder about it, and especially how I would bring it up, if I was to bring it up at some point.
Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 OK THere are more things you have posted about your relationship than I have referred to here and it all seems a bit forced to me - as if you are both dancing around each other too scared of truth/commitment/opening up/whatever. I see red flags. You don't. I see things I would not tolerate or you do things I would not because I would rather stand up and say what I want/expect in a relationship. There you go. We're all different thanfully. I'll tell you honestly: I've been in a relationship before where nothing was taboo and we discussed absolutely everything very openly right away. It seemed the healthy thing to do at first, until it created bitter feelings about certain topics. Those things are hard to undo, because once you say something, you can't "unsay" it. I still think that communicating well is key in a healthy relationship. However, I'm more careful about the topics as well as my approach. This is why I appreciate this forum so much. I get to read about different perspectives, and I take my time to think something through before I bring it up. I'd rather strangers here think I'm weird than make a mistake in my relationship.
InceptorsRule Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Just start staying over at his place more and more frequently and not going home until magically you're just there all the time. I assume you sleep over his place a lot already, right? Since you live so close to each other it should be pretty easy to just merge together like that, shouldn't it? You have lots of stuff you leave over his place already, right? Clothes, toiletries, your Hello Kitty bedroom slippers? Just start bringing more and more of your stuff over to his place, and leaving it there. Then you start talking about what color the new curtains in his (your) place are going to be. Get paint samples and fabric swatches and bring them over and start talking about how you are going to redecorate his/your house. Then you can start dropping hints like: "Hey MY couch would look pretty good in this corner of YOUR living room, wouldn't it?"
AverageJoe Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Just start staying over at his place more and more frequently and not going home until magically you're just there all the time. I assume you sleep over his place a lot already, right? Since you live so close to each other it should be pretty easy to just merge together like that, shouldn't it? You have lots of stuff you leave over his place already, right? Clothes, toiletries, your Hello Kitty bedroom slippers? Just start bringing more and more of your stuff over to his place, and leaving it there. Then you start talking about what color the new curtains in his (your) place are going to be. Get paint samples and fabric swatches and bring them over and start talking about how you are going to redecorate his/your house. Then you can start dropping hints like: "Hey MY couch would look pretty good in this corner of YOUR living room, wouldn't it?" You wouldnt believe how much restraint I had to put on myself to avoid mentioning the things you did. I tried to address the topic at hand, and I think I may have pulled it off. But damn, it was hard. lol Poor guy. He has no idea.
Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 Just start staying over at his place more and more frequently and not going home until magically you're just there all the time. I assume you sleep over his place a lot already, right? Since you live so close to each other it should be pretty easy to just merge together like that, shouldn't it? You have lots of stuff you leave over his place already, right? Clothes, toiletries, your Hello Kitty bedroom slippers? Just start bringing more and more of your stuff over to his place, and leaving it there. Then you start talking about what color the new curtains in his (your) place are going to be. Get paint samples and fabric swatches and bring them over and start talking about how you are going to redecorate his/your house. Then you can start dropping hints like: "Hey MY couch would look pretty good in this corner of YOUR living room, wouldn't it?" lol yes to every point mentioned above. He even bought doubles of everything for my dog and put up a fence around his yard so my dog would be safe. The only thing that won't work is "spending more and more time at his place". He joined a new band just now, and he basically won't be home all that much. So yeah I could go to his place ... but there will be no one there Believe me when I say that our schedules are crazy, and his is even worse than mine now. The thing about the band is, he consulted me very seriously before he accepted to join because he didn't want it to get in the way of our relationship. I knew how much he was dying to do it, so I supported him 100%. I still do, but schedule-wise, it means less time at home. I have to admit that's why the idea of us moving in together is now crossing my mind. Because I'm thinking, if we were living together, at least I'd still see him when he gets home from work, and we'd still share the same bed every night
Stung Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Now you are posting about living together and the thing that stands out to me is that you maybe only see each other once a week whilst you only live 15 minutes apart. I'm sorry but I really do think that most couples in a committed relationship that lived so close to each other would see each other a lot more than that (and no, twice a week does not count as a lot more). I'm sorry but I just see so many "red flags" about this relationship Addressing this issue alone, I don't see the red flag. If I read correctly, prettybaby said they see each other twice a week on average, which presumably includes sleepovers and mornings/next days and is not just like two separate hours. If they each have busy schedules, that's not exactly weird. She posted specifically that they do see each other more often during summers, when they have more time. A lot of couples decide to move in together specifically in order to make more time to be together, to at least get that cuddle time at night in bed after they have been busy all day. While it's easy to get that just by sleeping over randomly during the week for some people, prettybaby has also posted that she has dogs, and I think the boyfriend is in a band (?) and probably keeps odd hours, which would make that a lot more difficult. Personally when I have moved in with someone it was always sooner than 2 years and usually after spending more time together during every week, but I don't see prettybaby's relationship as being alarmingly out of the norm in this regard, merely another variation on a theme.
xxoo Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 I do appreciate your perspective. It's funny how different it is from women, because on the other hand we have xxoo here who thinks that 2 years in is awfully slow. To be clear, I don't think 2 years is slow to be actually living together. I think 2 years is slow not to know how compatible you are in terms of these ideals (cohabitating, marriage, kids).
Author prettybaby Posted September 4, 2010 Author Posted September 4, 2010 To be clear, I don't think 2 years is slow to be actually living together. I think 2 years is slow not to know how compatible you are in terms of these ideals (cohabitating, marriage, kids). Where did I say I didn't know how compatible we are about these points? I actually said: I'm pretty sure us living together would go smoothly, but I'd rather make sure before any official commitment is made. Which simply explained why I'm pro pre-marital cohabitation instead of post-marital cohabitation. I also stated we do share the same goals about getting married and having children (yes, together). My main concern was the actual act of bringing up the topic of us moving in together. Because let's face it, bringing it up is making an actual step towards it really happening. And my only hesitation is the timing of it all, and whether 2 years would be considered a reasonable timing or not to bring it up.
xxoo Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 Where did I say I didn't know how compatible we are about these points? I actually said: Which simply explained why I'm pro pre-marital cohabitation instead of post-marital cohabitation. I also stated we do share the same goals about getting married and having children (yes, together). My main concern was the actual act of bringing up the topic of us moving in together. Because let's face it, bringing it up is making an actual step towards it really happening. And my only hesitation is the timing of it all, and whether 2 years would be considered a reasonable timing or not to bring it up. I didn't mean the compatibility of actually living together. I meant the compatibility of the timetable for cohabitation, marriage, kids. If I were dating someone like the posters who think after 4 years is reasonable, I'd like to know that sooner than later....because 4 years is personally too long for me. We'd be incompatible on the timetable, even if we were compatible in sharing space.
Author prettybaby Posted September 4, 2010 Author Posted September 4, 2010 I didn't mean the compatibility of actually living together. I meant the compatibility of the timetable for cohabitation, marriage, kids. If I were dating someone like the posters who think after 4 years is reasonable, I'd like to know that sooner than later....because 4 years is personally too long for me. We'd be incompatible on the timetable, even if we were compatible in sharing space. But we love each other to death. If my boyfriend would be more comfortable with waiting a few more years, then I would wait. It would not be a deal breaker to me. The thought of losing him is a million times worse. That being said, I did start this thread to check people's opinions about what they think would be a good timing, and whether my idea of 2 years being long enough is indeed reasonable, as well how exactly it's best to bring it up. I still don't know when I would bring it up exactly. I mean, if he doesn't, I guess I would at some point. Just not sure when yet. Again, like I said, our long term goals together are crystal clear. It's just the "how" and "when" that I'm currently trying to figure out, without adding any pressure on his shoulders.
make me believe Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 I did start this thread to check people's opinions about what they think would be a good timing, and whether my idea of 2 years being long enough is indeed reasonable, as well how exactly it's best to bring it up. I still don't know when I would bring it up exactly. I mean, if he doesn't, I guess I would at some point. Just not sure when yet. Again, like I said, our long term goals together are crystal clear. It's just the "how" and "when" that I'm currently trying to figure out, without adding any pressure on his shoulders. Two years is absolutely a reasonable timetable. If he feels pressured or rushed simply because you ask him if/when he'd like to take the next step with you, then that will tell you a lot. I think what some people have been saying in this thread - and what I was thinking when I read it - is that it seems strange that after two years it doesn't seem like you guys have had a real, serious, honest discussion about your future. Not only about what you want, but WHEN you expect it to happen. After only a few months with my BF he knew that I wouldn't move in with him (or any other guy) unless we were engaged, and that I would expect marriage to happen soon after. (No long engagements for me!) I think it should be expected that one of you would bring up this stuff, just so you know you're on the same page. And after two years, you shouldn't have to dance around the topic! I was always afraid to bring up stuff like this with my ex of 3 years because I didn't want him to feel "pressured" or "rushed". We ended up breaking up in part because it became clear we didn't want the same things, or at least not at the same time. So IMO if you can't bring it up in a frank discussion with him, that's not a good sign.
Star Gazer Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 Sometimes he likes to goof around and put whatever around my finger (like a gift wrapping ribbon or whatever), and then he kisses my hand. It's adorable Aww... :love: That made my heart hurt a little! I think you should just bring up the concept of living together to gauge his feelings on the issue, and work out the logistics thereafter.
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 I also see many red flags from your previous threads. It's like your relationship has been stuck in pleasntville and you are both VERY conflict avoidant. I don't think it is possible to take the next step without being more open with each other. He has always been terribly passive and you are scared to death of putting a foot wrong. It creates this weird dynamic with elephants in the room that everybody is ignoring. Also, with seeing each other so little, it does make me wonder how well you REALLY know each other.
xxoo Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 Again, like I said, our long term goals together are crystal clear. . If this were true, you wouldn't be asking this question here. Really think about the communication issues as it applies to your bf. Do you feel comfortable bringing up things that are important to you? If not, why not?
that girl Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 Wondering about these red flag comments, I looked at some of pretty baby's past threads and woah, there are some red flags. This guy used to be your high school teacher? And there have been issues with his family and his ex fiancee? I think 2 years is more than enough time to start discussing cohabitation. It isn't freakish that it hasn't happened yet but lots of couples are married at the two year mark. For some people that would be a rush, but I think if someone is scared off by a discussion of living together after two years they do not see a future with you.
Author prettybaby Posted September 5, 2010 Author Posted September 5, 2010 Well, something happened this weekend that I wasn't expecting. He's busy renovating his upper floor, which is quite big. And he has hinted about it becoming the master bedroom with enough space for me to put my stuff, which would free up 2 bedrooms downstairs that could become children's rooms (his own words) lol I didn't even have to bring it up myself, so I think more serious plans will be made after the upper floor is done To those obsessed with red flags: give it up already. If I had listened to some of you when I first started posting here 2 years ago, we would have never even started dating Some of you guys will still be talking about red flags when we're married and old with children and grand children lol
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