Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 Women are like that... They expect the man to initiate EVERYTHING, they expect the man to put in all the effort in a relationship and if he doesn't then they equate that to him not wanting her enough. Instead of asking the guy to move in or to get married or whatever, they play hard to get which just causes more frustration to the man. To me thats unacceptable behaviour in a relationship. But I guess it's too much to ask for a woman to actually talk with you instead of playing games in a relationship. I'm not like that. I have actually initiated a lot in our relationship, even the first kiss because he was too shy. I have made every bit of our relationship easy for him, because he was shy and had a hard time opening up. Mind you, I have no regrets. Because they're precious memories and our relationship is the best thing that's ever happened to us. However, now that he's 100% comfortable with me, I feel like the next big step is up to him, for once. Especially since it's more traditional anyway. He actually knows I would never propose. We saw a show on TV once where a woman was proposing and I made a comment about how awful that was. He said "really?" (because since I've initiated a lot, he thought I wouldn't be against the idea of proposing myself), but I told him clearly I think there are a few things in life that should be up to the man, and proposing is one of them He was a bit surprised that I said that, but he was okay with it. I just wanted to get that point across, and my point has been made. However, I didn't exactly include the topic of moving in together lol So this is probably still a grey area, so to speak lol
torranceshipman Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Quite frankly, I was married once, and we had been living together first. If you asked me the difference before & after marriage, I'd say there was none. We were still living together, same habits, same sh**, different day. I'm sorry if that kills the mood here, but although I'm convinced my boyfriend is the one, and that marrying him would be so much bigger than anything else in the past, I know well enough that although it's romantic and all, it's not a life changing event when you've already been living together for a year or more. So I'm not saying I'm against moving in first, because in fact, I'm pro. But I know for myself that it would make the event a little less major than if it included "moving in together for the first time". So I'm quite realistic about that. Anyway, we're drifting off topic here I think your earlier experience must have really affected you, so I understand why you really don't want to live together now! Do remember though, that not every R is going to be as bad as your earlier one. There has never been a same s*it different day aspect to our R, and things HAVE changed a lot for us after becoming engaged, and in a lovely way. Just whatever you do, give your boyfriend a chance to talk this through. Where is the harm in just telling him this is on your mind?
Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 you asked for advice. he really is not seeing an advantage to moving in with you or he'd ask. Sorry. lol I'm sorry I found your advice worthless. You're missing the point completely. My question is not whether or not he'd be okay with it, because I know he would be happy. My question is how to bring it up in the best possible manner.
Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 I think your earlier experience must have really affected you, so I understand why you really don't want to live together now! Do remember though, that not every R is going to be as bad as your earlier one. There has never been a same s*it different day aspect to our R, and things HAVE changed a lot for us after becoming engaged, and in a lovely way. Just whatever you do, give your boyfriend a chance to talk this through. Where is the harm in just telling him this is on your mind? I don't know if your choice of words gives the wrong impression here, but it sounds like you haven't really read this whole thread completely. I never said "I don't really want to live together" lol I'm dying for us to live together. That's the whole point. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in a few weeks, but some time this coming year, yes, definitely. My previous relationship wasn't bad at all lol It ended in a very friendly way, and there were no real bad times, to be honest.
torranceshipman Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 lol I'm sorry I found your advice worthless. You're missing the point completely. My question is not whether or not he'd be okay with it, because I know he would be happy. My question is how to bring it up in the best possible manner. Say 'what do you think about living together sometime in the future?'
xxoo Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 You are overthinking this. Just bring it up! "How do you feel about living together in the future? Do you think that would make sense for us?" Open communication is the bedrock of any successful partnership. If you can't talk about living together, you probably aren't ready to live together.
Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 Say 'what do you think about living together sometime in the future?' Yeah, I'm thinking about doing that It crossed my mind 20min ago while reading the responses here. It seems like the best way to bring it up with zero pressure.
torranceshipman Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 I don't know if your choice of words gives the wrong impression here, but it sounds like you haven't really read this whole thread completely. I never said "I don't really want to live together" lol I'm dying for us to live together. That's the whole point. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in a few weeks, but some time this coming year, yes, definitely. My previous relationship wasn't bad at all lol It ended in a very friendly way, and there were no real bad times, to be honest. This is sounding passive agressive now - sorry we haven't told you what you want to hear (whatever that is) - I'm not posting any more on this thread. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 This is sounding passive agressive now - sorry we haven't told you what you want to hear (whatever that is) - I'm not posting any more on this thread. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. I found good advice in this thread. Just not from you, sorry. It just seemed like you missed the point completely and drifted off topic. But you sound like a nice person
Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 Just out of intrest, are there any things in life that should be up to the woman? You say the man should propose, should the woman then maybe cook for the man for example? Or aren't there any things that are up to the woman? The woman carries babies for 9 months and then has to push it out. The least a man can do is get down on one knee for a few seconds and propose lol Everything else in life is up to whoever feels like doing it, or rather, whatever works best for a couple
Stung Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Quite frankly, I was married once, and we had been living together first. If you asked me the difference before & after marriage, I'd say there was none. We were still living together, same habits, same sh**, different day. I'm sorry if that kills the mood here, but although I'm convinced my boyfriend is the one, and that marrying him would be so much bigger than anything else in the past, I know well enough that although it's romantic and all, it's not a life changing event when you've already been living together for a year or more. So I'm not saying I'm against moving in first, because in fact, I'm pro. But I know for myself that it would make the event a little less major than if it included "moving in together for the first time". So I'm quite realistic about that. Anyway, we're drifting off topic here The differences in how people view this are so interesting. I'm far more like the other poster--I lived with my now-husband for years before we married, we owned property together and had joint bank accounts, in fact we had a baby together before we had our ceremony--but being married still feels very different to me . I was a little surprised by the extent and depth of that feeling, to be honest. To each their own, I guess. I am also a firm believer in living together before marriage. I lived with a few other boyfriends before I ever met my husband, and if I had been legally bound with them when I found out what it was like to live with them it would have been a total disaster. Art Critic's advice to be absolutely straightforward on this subject is wise. Leave no gray area, no room for misunderstanding and subsequent resentment, play no games. You're both adults, you've been married and he's been engaged, you should be beyond childish hints and manipulations. I'm a bit confused about the housing question, however. I have only skimmed this thread so maybe I missed it, but you said you wanted to move in with him and not look for a third place together so you don't have to sell your place, right? What are you planning on doing with your place if you move into his, let it sit empty? Rent it out? Why not consider renting both places out to finance purchasing the third, neutral, chosen-together home?
Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 I'm a bit confused about the housing question, however. I have only skimmed this thread so maybe I missed it, but you said you wanted to move in with him and not look for a third place together so you don't have to sell your place, right? What are you planning on doing with your place if you move into his, let it sit empty? Rent it out? Why not consider renting both places out to finance purchasing the third, neutral, chosen-together home? That's an interesting suggestion that may be worth looking into. I don't want to sell mine, because I'm very attached to it. We even had our first kiss on the front step But besides that, it's a great investment, and if I ever move out, I'll definitely rent it out. It will provide a solid additional income. Plus, if we ever break up (I hope not, but you never know), I'll always have my own house to move back into. Just in case! I paid mine cash, so I have no mortgage. He does pay off a mortgage on his for the next 15 years or so. Your idea of renting both out sounds good. Although I'm not sure his would rent out that easy. He lives in a less populated, more upscale neighborhood, so the demand is lower and rent is so high it equals paying off a mortgage, so most people there prefer to buy. In fact, we saw one in his neighborhood for rent in June, and the owners finally gave up and just sold it instead. That being said, it could still be an option if he rents it out a little below average. Anyway, I'll keep it in mind thanks
Pink Cupcakes Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 LOL I'm sorry the truth hurts! lol I'm sorry I found your advice worthless. You're missing the point completely. My question is not whether or not he'd be okay with it, because I know he would be happy. My question is how to bring it up in the best possible manner.
Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 LOL I'm sorry the truth hurts! What truth? Who's hurting? I'm confused now.
Pink Cupcakes Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 The truth I stated that if he felt it was advantageous to live together, he would ask himself. If he wanted to move in, and was even thinking about it as being something he wanted, he would at least get it into the conversation , at least in a joking way...like "wow, you're here so often, we might as well move in together" or "You're here so much, it's like we already live together! Oh, wow, maybe we should actually do that!" then laugh or something.
Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 The truth I stated that if he felt it was advantageous to live together, he would ask himself. If he wanted to move in, and was even thinking about it as being something he wanted, he would at least get it into the conversation , at least in a joking way...like "wow, you're here so often, we might as well move in together" or "You're here so much, it's like we already live together! Oh, wow, maybe we should actually do that!" then laugh or something. lol That's not the truth, that's your personal opinion. And you're free to think so Out of a million people, do you honestly believe that a million would react exactly the same way as you're describing? No. Let's be realistic. A million people have a million different personalities, with a million different approaches to things. Some bring it up as casual jokes like you're suggesting, some say "we need to talk" and start a serious discussion, some are shy and take a while to decide how to bring it up, some choose to surprise their significant other with a key in a gift box, some decide they'd rather propose first and then let the "moving in" part follow, some decide they'd rather pretend they're busy with friends and cut down on dates while hoping their significant other will miss them and (quite irrationally) ask them to move in, etc ... you get the drift. All those people probably each have a different timing too. Some people will ask to move in after 6 months of dating, some after a year, some after 3 years. My point is I already know he'd like for us to start a family at some point in the future. He talks about having babies quite often. So again, as stated several times throughout this thread, my question here is: how do I bring up the whole "moving in together" topic the best way possible? By the way, there's no need to answer that now, because I have found sound advice here which I think I'll follow
Pink Cupcakes Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Well, you seem to have everything figured out. Not sure why you're even posting since you're rejecting advice and telling more than one poster that their advice is worthless. The woman carries babies for 9 months and then has to push it out. The least a man can do is get down on one knee for a few seconds and propose lol Everything else in life is up to whoever feels like doing it, or rather, whatever works best for a couple
Pink Cupcakes Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 You sure are getting worked up over this. That is telling.... lol That's not the truth, that's your personal opinion. And you're free to think so Out of a million people, do you honestly believe that a million would react exactly the same way as you're describing? No. Let's be realistic. A million people have a million different personalities, with a million different approaches to things. Some bring it up as casual jokes like you're suggesting, some say "we need to talk" and start a serious discussion, some are shy and take a while to decide how to bring it up, some choose to surprise their significant other with a key in a gift box, some decide they'd rather propose first and then let the "moving in" part follow, some decide they'd rather pretend they're busy with friends and cut down on dates while hoping their significant other will miss them and (quite irrationally) ask them to move in, etc ... you get the drift. All those people probably each have a different timing too. Some people will ask to move in after 6 months of dating, some after a year, some after 3 years. My point is I already know he'd like for us to start a family at some point in the future. He talks about having babies quite often. So again, as stated several times throughout this thread, my question here is: how do I bring up the whole "moving in together" topic the best way possible? By the way, there's no need to answer that now, because I have found sound advice here which I think I'll follow
Pink Cupcakes Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Torranceshipman, prettybaby is clearly jealous that your man actually wanted you to move in and proposed. Just let it slide. This is sounding passive agressive now - sorry we haven't told you what you want to hear (whatever that is) - I'm not posting any more on this thread. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 Well, you seem to have everything figured out. Not sure why you're even posting since you're rejecting advice and telling more than one poster that their advice is worthless. I found a lot of helpful feedback here. I only rejected 2 posts: - the first one being yours; suggesting me to start ignoring him while I go out with friends, in the hopes of him missing me and magically offering to move in (is this even for real? lol) - the second one being completely off topic about pre-marital cohabitation versus post-marital cohabitation; which - although she seemed like a nice person - wasn't answering my initial question. And yes, I have it figured out now thanks to the feedback I received in this thread Thank you.
Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 Torranceshipman, prettybaby is clearly jealous that your man actually wanted you to move in and proposed. Just let it slide. Nope That's the girl discussing pre-marital cohabitation versus post-marital cohabitation instead of addressing the original post. Again, it was off-topic and although she meant well and was friendly, it was not helpful.
AverageJoe Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 You wont like my response either I suppose. What happens if you bring it up and he feels pressured afterwards? That changes the dynamic of everything you have going good right now. Its only been two years. You have a great gig going on right now. Whats the damn hurry?
Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 You wont like my response either I suppose. What happens if you bring it up and he feels pressured afterwards? That changes the dynamic of everything you have going good right now. Its only been two years. You have a great gig going on right now. Whats the damn hurry? Ok, I'm curious, so I'll ask again (because no one reacted when I first asked). If you think that after 2 years, this is rushing, then after how long would you consider the timing right? I'm genuinely curious.
AverageJoe Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Its only been two years. Do you really, really think you know someone after that amount of time? Lets be honest about that, no you dont (or would I). You are not up in his biz 24/7 enough to really, really know the intimate secrets of his everyday life that you dont see currently. You would like to think you do, but you really dont. I would like to think santa will be coming down my chimney on christmas too. You say he is the one. Everybody thinks and says that, you are no exception. I say double the amount of time and then you will have twice the knowledge you will need, as will he. You know, the life expectancy is well over eighty now a days.
Author prettybaby Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 Its only been two years. Do you really, really think you know someone after that amount of time? Lets be honest about that, no you dont (or would I). You are not up in his biz 24/7 enough to really, really know the intimate secrets of his everyday life that you dont see currently. You would like to think you do, but you really dont. I would like to think santa will be coming down my chimney on christmas too. You say he is the one. Everybody thinks and says that, you are no exception. I say double the amount of time and then you will have twice the knowledge you will need, as will he. You know, the life expectancy is well over eighty now a days. Ok, so all this to basically say that in your opinion, 4 years is a good time frame. Fair enough. I think 4 years is on the slow side. I'd say at the 3 year mark we should at least be starting to move forward. 4 years with no sign of commitment doesn't seem good in my oppinion. That being said, discussing it and actually doing it are two different things. It's like people getting engaged, only to get married a year or two later. I know the concept of "the one" sounds cliché. But that's how we feel about each other. I have no doubt he wants live together, start a family (which he mentioned plenty of times) and grow old together. My only concern was that I wouldn't want him to feel pressured if it's something he'd only consider within a year or two from now. Which is why I asked how exactly does one bring it up. Anyway, I found the answer to that question. That's not to say I will bring it up tomorrow (because I won't). But if the topic isn't brought up within a year from now, I most probably will.
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