How do you bring up "moving in together"?

[prettybaby]

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 2 years now. I think it's time we start making more serious steps, such as moving in together.

 

It would make sense at this point, since we miss each other more and more the days we don't see each other. We have both expressed how much we love each other, and the idea of having a baby has come up more than once. However, as far as moving in is concerned, no mention of it at all.

 

A friend of mine said that I'm partly to blame, because I have never given him any hints that I'd like to move in with him. Which is true. I have not said a word about it yet because I don't want to appear clingy, or give the impression that I'd want to take over his place.

 

Here's the deal: we both have our own house, about 15min away from each other. So distance isn't a huge issue, and neither is money since neither of us is renting. So it's not like we're wasting a ton of money by living under our own seperate roof. My house is big enough for me alone, but it would be more cramped than his house if we were to live together. Plus, he has a much bigger yard. So logically, if one of us was to move in with the other, it would be me moving in with him. Which makes it hard for me to bring up, because I feel like it's his space, so in a way, it's kind of his decision to make. Of course, another idea would be for us to get a new place all together, but I don't want to sell my house, and I don't think he'd want to sell his either. So that still leaves us with the only logical option of me moving in with him.

 

Anyway, now my friend says that because I have never given any hint of me wanting to live together, he may be thinking I don't subscribe to the idea at all.

 

So how exactly does one approach this in a sensible way? The thing is, I'm not dying to move in right this second, I mean, I'd be fine with our situation for another while. However, I'm worried we'd get stuck on the long run, without really moving forward.

 

I've never really been in that situation before. With my ex, we moved in pretty quickly because money was tight back then, so we didn't really have a choice. This time it's different.

[Rorschach]

Oh this is an easy one, the conversation goes like this.

 

'So we're married now, let's move in together'

 

'okay'

 

Otherwise DONT DO IT.

[prettybaby]

lol I know you're joking, but to make things clear for anyone who checks this thread later: I'd like for us to live together before we get married. I'm pretty sure us living together would go smoothly, but I'd rather make sure before any official commitment is made.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Ya, honestly I think you have a pretty sweet situation now as it is. And being with someone for 2 years really isn't *that* long. I just don't see why you have to go through all that, give up your own space, etc when you already are so close...

[Art_Critic]

How much time do you spend together..

Do you sleep over his house each night and vise versa..

 

Honestly if you want to live with him then just blurt it out and tell him, you will find out how he feels about it and you can go from there..

[somedude81]

lol I know you're joking, but to make things clear for anyone who checks this thread later: I'd like for us to live together before we get married. I'm pretty sure us living together would go smoothly, but I'd rather make sure before any official commitment is made.

Why not wait?

 

Have you talked about marriage yet?

[prettybaby]

Ya, honestly I think you have a pretty sweet situation now as it is. And being with someone for 2 years really isn't *that* long. I just don't see why you have to go through all that, give up your own space, etc when you already are so close...

It's a sweet situation for now, but starting a family like that would basically be the same as people who are divorced lol We both want to start a family at some point, and clearly, our idea of a family is not in 2 separate houses.

 

 

How much time do you spend together..

Do you sleep over his house each night and vise versa..

 

Honestly if you want to live with him then just blurt it out and tell him, you will find out how he feels about it and you can go from there..

He's a teacher, so during Summer break, we saw each other every 2 days or so. Now school has started again, and we're back to twice a week. Sometimes, if our schedules are busier like this week, it's only on Saturday. It usually does include sleepovers at his place.

 

Yeah, maybe I should just ask him "would you like to live together at some point?". I don't know, it's very straight forward for sure.

[prettybaby]

Why not wait?

 

Have you talked about marriage yet?

We have both expressed that we'd like to get married, although it has never been a serious in depth discussion. He knows I'd like to, and I know he'd like to. Sometimes he likes to goof around and put whatever around my finger (like a gift wrapping ribbon or whatever), and then he kisses my hand. It's adorable

 

To everyone saying we could wait: how long would you wait then? I personally think 2 years is a good time to get more serious.

[Art_Critic]

Yeah, maybe I should just ask him "would you like to live together at some point?". I don't know, it's very straight forward for sure.

 

You shouldn't be anything but straight forward when talking about your future together..

 

No Grey area leaves no unmet expectations.. so to speak...

[torranceshipman]

Art Critic is right - don't let there be shades of gray with this. Just be upfront and ask. I think after 2 yrs together and lots of romantic gestures on his part, it would hardly come across as clingy for you to ask. Just bring it up casually one evening and see what his response is.

[prettybaby]

So no one here thinks it is (generally speaking) the man's move to make? I kinda look at it like proposals; it's up to the man to ask. Or would that be considered completely different?

[torranceshipman]

Depends...you want it right now, he probably isn't in a rush, so to keep the R healthy, you need to discuss this with him.

 

My guy asked me to move in with him and also proposed, but I might have suggested the former if he hadn't. I personally wouldn't propose but I wouldn't be that bothered about being the one to raise the topic of moving in.

 

Plus you don't have to say 'move in with me' - you just need to put the topic on the table, and see how he feels about it, then if you both decide to move in together, it will have been a mutual decision.

[Rorschach]

So no one here thinks it is (generally speaking) the man's move to make? I kinda look at it like proposals; it's up to the man to ask. Or would that be considered completely different?

 

Well I may have said it in a joking manner but in this man's opinion the only time I would ever live together with somebody is after we got married. I moved in together with someone before and it was a DISASTER, so I'm not going to do it again. So if you were dating me and waiting for me to bring it up you'd be waiting forever, haha.

 

I can't speak for all men but I certainly don't feel it's the 'man's move to make'

[prettybaby]

Well I may have said it in a joking manner but in this man's opinion the only time I would ever live together with somebody is after we got married. I moved in together with someone before and it was a DISASTER, so I'm not going to do it again. So if you were dating me and waiting for me to bring it up you'd be waiting forever, haha.

 

I can't speak for all men but I certainly don't feel it's the 'man's move to make'

I see. There is something quite romantic about that. I mean, I can see how a proposal after having lived together for a year or so would be less exciting, as it wouldn't really mean a big change. I'm not sure how he feels about that to be honest. He's a very practical person, so I think he'd want to try living together first, before making it official. And that leads me to the same problem again: if I bring it up, it might lead to the marriage topic, and I don't want to be the one hinting about that. I want him to make that move on his own when I don't expect it

[Pink Cupcakes]

He probably doesn't want to move in with you unless you are at least engaged. He respects you a lot, if that is the case.

 

The other option is that he is not ready for a big commitment.

 

I would give him about 6 months, and if he doesn't propose by then, I would end the relationship. However, do not tell him this verbally, because then it is an ultimatim. This is more a timeline for you so you don't waste anymore time with this man if he is not truly committed to you. Saying "I love you" and talking about babies is all fine and good, but is talk...so he should put his money where his mouth is, or you should cut bait.

[prettybaby]

He probably doesn't want to move in with you unless you are at least engaged. He respects you a lot, if that is the case.

 

The other option is that he is not ready for a big commitment.

 

I would give him about 6 months, and if he doesn't propose by then, I would end the relationship. However, do not tell him this verbally, because then it is an ultimatim. This is more a timeline for you so you don't waste anymore time with this man if he is not truly committed to you. Saying "I love you" and talking about babies is all fine and good, but is talk...so he should put his money where his mouth is, or you should cut bait.

lol I'm not gonna break up with him! We make each other happy. At some point in the future I know we'll eventually live together and have children. My question right now is what would be the best way to achieve this smoothly, without him feeling pressured into it, and without me feeling like I'm doing all the steps myself.

[Pink Cupcakes]

OK, so you don't necessarily want marriage before kids....gotcha.

If this is your plan, I would make yourself less accessible to him so that he has a reason to miss you, and start wanting you around more. If you start having plans with friends, decline invitations from him sometimes to "hang out", less sleepovers, etc.....basically have a life not built around him...he will start to want you in his life more and start taking steps to get you in his life more, and start seeing the advantages which would happen from you living with him. Right now, he sees you a lot and has complete access to you at his convenience, so he is not seeing any advantages to moving in.

[torranceshipman]

I see. There is something quite romantic about that. I mean, I can see how a proposal after having lived together for a year or so would be less exciting, as it wouldn't really mean a big change. I'm not sure how he feels about that to be honest. He's a very practical person, so I think he'd want to try living together first, before making it official. And that leads me to the same problem again: if I bring it up, it might lead to the marriage topic, and I don't want to be the one hinting about that. I want him to make that move on his own when I don't expect it

 

I think this is a funny comment! My fiance and I were living together a few months before we got engaged, and I was incredibly happy & excited when he asked (as was he) - as were all our friends! We view it as a MASSIVE and very exciting change in our lives. Thinking that living together and being married are pretty much the same is WAY off base - they are incredibly different. One is sharing the same space. The other is committing your lives to each other in an incredibly romantic way, embarking on a journey together that will lead you through the rest of your lives, kids, grandkids, sharing lifes ups and downs....it is incredible - the 2 just can't be compared!

[Pink Cupcakes]

What is wrong with having other plans with friends? it's not playing games, it's having a life outside of the relationship. In addition, having other interests will make you more interesting to the guy.

As I stated before, right now the guy is happy with things, so he is seeing no advantages to moving in. If she wants to move in, he has to see for himself the advantages. He has to wake up without her there, have it so she's not popping over for a sleepover at his convenience, etc. Otherwise, there is no incentive for him to have her move in.

[yah]

I would give him about 6 months, and if he doesn't propose by then, I would end the relationship. However, do not tell him this verbally, because then it is an ultimatim. This is more a timeline for you so you don't waste anymore time with this man if he is not truly committed to you. Saying "I love you" and talking about babies is all fine and good, but is talk...so he should put his money where his mouth is, or you should cut bait.

 

 

Are you serious? Silent ultimatum and leave because he didn't do something you didn't say you wanted?? Too funny.

 

OP, without saying the words 'moving in' maybe you can be honest about your feelings with him and ask him if he's ready to take the next step with you but that you're OK if he isn't yet and you'll wait for him. Somewhat casually without threatening to leave him.

[torranceshipman]

What is wrong with having other plans with friends? it's not playing games, it's having a life outside of the relationship. In addition, having other interests will make you more interesting to the guy.

As I stated before, right now the guy is happy with things, so he is seeing no advantages to moving in. If she wants to move in, he has to see for himself the advantages. He has to wake up without her there, have it so she's not popping over for a sleepover at his convenience, etc. Otherwise, there is no incentive for him to have her move in.

 

This might be a fair comment. I wouldn't in a million years do this, but that is because I am 35 and WAY beyond being anything but direct, and by 35 a guy knows what he wants and is ready (Well, some 35yr old guys anyway, lol). But with young guys, they might need a bit more persuasion.

 

But then again, it seems a very complex, roundabout route that I'd feel sorry for the poor guy to go through, when you could so easily just have a normal conversation about it!

 

I feel a bit sorry for the guy if you go the above route - it is confusing!

[prettybaby]

OK, so you don't necessarily want marriage before kids....gotcha.

If this is your plan, I would make yourself less accessible to him so that he has a reason to miss you, and start wanting you around more. If you start having plans with friends, decline invitations from him sometimes to "hang out", less sleepovers, etc.....basically have a life not built around him...he will start to want you in his life more and start taking steps to get you in his life more, and start seeing the advantages which would happen from you living with him. Right now, he sees you a lot and has complete access to you at his convenience, so he is not seeing any advantages to moving in.

Sounds like the perfect plan to make him doubt about our future. Why would I do that? I have my occupations, I have my friends, it's not like I'm at his service 24/7. Playing hard to get, and suddenly changing our habits after 2 years of having a wonderful and stable relationship would only confuse him. We're already trying to see each other as much as possible, and when we can't, it's agony for both of us. Like this week, it's been hectic for both of us, and it was so hard.

[torranceshipman]

Women absolutley LOVE to play hard to get with a guy and make him doubt the future and chase the woman. It's and ego thing, it makes the woman have control over the man. I don't get why women must always play games instead of just talking with the guy if they are already in a relationship.

 

CosmoKramer, 'women' aren't one entity - there are millions of us out there and we are all very different. LOAD of women have NO interest in game playing.

[prettybaby]

I think this is a funny comment! My fiance and I were living together a few months before we got engaged, and I was incredibly happy & excited when he asked (as was he) - as were all our friends! We view it as a MASSIVE and very exciting change in our lives. Thinking that living together and being married are pretty much the same is WAY off base - they are incredibly different. One is sharing the same space. The other is committing your lives to each other in an incredibly romantic way, embarking on a journey together that will lead you through the rest of your lives, kids, grandkids, sharing lifes ups and downs....it is incredible - the 2 just can't be compared!

Quite frankly, I was married once, and we had been living together first. If you asked me the difference before & after marriage, I'd say there was none. We were still living together, same habits, same sh**, different day. I'm sorry if that kills the mood here, but although I'm convinced my boyfriend is the one, and that marrying him would be so much bigger than anything else in the past, I know well enough that although it's romantic and all, it's not a life changing event when you've already been living together for a year or more.

 

So I'm not saying I'm against moving in first, because in fact, I'm pro. But I know for myself that it would make the event a little less major than if it included "moving in together for the first time". So I'm quite realistic about that.

 

Anyway, we're drifting off topic here

[Pink Cupcakes]

you asked for advice. he really is not seeing an advantage to moving in with you or he'd ask. Sorry.

 

 

Sounds like the perfect plan to make him doubt about our future. Why would I do that? I have my occupations, I have my friends, it's not like I'm at his service 24/7. Playing hard to get, and suddenly changing our habits after 2 years of having a wonderful and stable relationship would only confuse him. We're already trying to see each other as much as possible, and when we can't, it's agony for both of us. Like this week, it's been hectic for both of us, and it was so hard.