bubbleskeeps023 Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 i am so totally in love with him.. i am 22 and he is 55.. a typical MM and mistress.. when we were on our 3rd year then, he asked me to lay low because of his never ending fights with his wife.. we had no communication in 3 months but i made the first move to talk to him.. and decided to continue our relationship again.. but things changed. i just feel that he doesn't love me anymore... calls everyday is like a routine.. no efforts... i feel im just a thing that he can take if he just wants to.. i just want him to give me some of his time.. but the thing is i can't tell these to him.. i'm afraid he will leave me again like before.. how can i ask him for some of his time???
Hazyhead Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Bubble, the way this comes off to me is that you're letting, or waiting for rather, someone (him) to run your life for you. You need to take back your control instead of waiting around for him to tell you when to jump. I know you love him and this is hard for you, but answer me this, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to spend time with you? Wouldn't you rather have someone who wants to be with you as much as he possibly can? Why settle for less? There are many more men out there and, especially young as you are, it saddens me that you are committing yourself to him. If a friend was in the same postition, what would you honestly advise her to do?
Author bubbleskeeps023 Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 on that 3 months that we had no communication then.. i really tried my best to move on without him but.. i don't know..and now, i texted him and i ask for his little efforts for our relationship.. he said sorry that he was just limited and he put me into this and its okay if i call this relationship off if i want to.. hell, what can i say... i really want to live my life without him.. but how?? because of our secret relationship, i drew myself from my friends... he's the only one i have now... how can i let him go if he was also the one who makes me happy....
torranceshipman Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 i am so totally in love with him.. i am 22 and he is 55.. a typical MM and mistress.. when we were on our 3rd year then, he asked me to lay low because of his never ending fights with his wife.. we had no communication in 3 months but i made the first move to talk to him.. and decided to continue our relationship again.. but things changed. i just feel that he doesn't love me anymore... calls everyday is like a routine.. no efforts... i feel im just a thing that he can take if he just wants to.. i just want him to give me some of his time.. but the thing is i can't tell these to him.. i'm afraid he will leave me again like before.. how can i ask him for some of his time??? He isn't interested in you anymore - you do all the running, and in return all you get is a crappy phone call, and a bit of his time here any there, but only on condition that you are kept as a dirty little secret. Sorry but you are BETTER THAN THAT. You are young, gorgeous, have a life ahead of you, and he is an old cheating slimeball who doesn't value you in any way whatsoever. LEAVE that idiot and go out there and find someone who realizes what you are worth, and treats you with the love and respect you deserve. If you stay with this guy all you get is misery and heartbreak, and life will pass you by...and that soulmate who is out there, waiting for you? You won't meet him because you'll be too wrapped up in trying to make some old loser give you 5 minutes more of his time so your A can limp on just a bit more.
TinaniT Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Don't accept it anymore. He is not treating you well. Tell him so, and be prepared for him to walk. It is probably for the best because you deserve better! I know it is hard because if you are 22, you met when you were 19. You have spent most your adult life thus far with this man. And he is in his 50's, and he probably knows very well how you will put up with him treating you and is giving you the minimum. Change it. Good luck
skywriter Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 bubbleskeeps023, It's terribly hard to let go in an A. You just have to keep talking to yourself and rationalising that it has to be over. You can't dwell on how bad you miss him. Acknowledge it to yourself and then rationlise that it is what must be as well. Realistically it was not a logical choice of a lifetime partner for you and somewhere in your mind you've surely known this would play itsself out. There just isn't ever a good time for that time to come. You've made it three months in the past. So you can do this. You were strong enough to endure this A, and go through all the ups and downs emotionally. You'll find that you are stronger than you ever knew you were if you give yourself the opportunity to. peace....
bentnotbroken Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 My God:eek:You are younger than my oldest child and wasting your life with a man old enough to be your grandfather when you should be out finding out who you are and where you want to go in life? Why would you deny yourself exploring the world and meeting new people? Why waste you youth on an someone who has past the stage and has used you for 3 years? Is this something you would want to see your own child deal with?
2sunny Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 you deserve more than what he offers to you...move forward - don't ever look back. hugs!
BB07 Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 OH hon......your post broke my heart. You are SO young and with such a older MARRIED MAN, who is breaking your heart, not once, but over and over again. You are wasting your time and your love on someone who is clearly showing you that you don't mean enough to him to treat you well. You have cut people out of your life and that is so NOT normal. Please, please don't allow this man to continue to take you on this ride, I don't mean to be harsh, but he does NOT care about you as a person. He is using you, and you have been letting him get away with it. Take control back and start living, stop contacting him, do not let him have one more minute of you or your life. 3 years is a long time, so you should seek out some IC to find out why you allowed yourself to get into such a predicament. YOU are WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS!
seren Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 i am so totally in love with him.. i am 22 and he is 55.. a typical MM and mistress.. when we were on our 3rd year then, he asked me to lay low because of his never ending fights with his wife.. we had no communication in 3 months but i made the first move to talk to him.. and decided to continue our relationship again.. but things changed. i just feel that he doesn't love me anymore... calls everyday is like a routine.. no efforts... i feel im just a thing that he can take if he just wants to.. i just want him to give me some of his time.. but the thing is i can't tell these to him.. i'm afraid he will leave me again like before.. how can i ask him for some of his time??? Hi Bubbles, So you were 19 and he was 52 when it began, in the distant past when I was 19 I can remember thinking love would be all that, love would be the most wonderful thing ever, and it is, but what you have with this MM is so not what love is, I promise. If someone loves you they find time for you and you should never, ever not be able to discuss that you need more time - hell he should be understanding that it is not just his time, but yours too. As for you feeling like a thing, oh Bubbles, no one should ever, ever feel like a thing to someone. It sounds like you have spent 3 years loving someone who is not, was not and isn't going to be available, who's focus is on himself and it is a hard lesson to learn for anyone, especially when you are so young. I may be wrong, but I am reading into this a young woman with perhaps low self esteem (sorry if I am making assumptions which aren't true). But most 22 yr old's I know what tell him to take a hike. I don't think he is worth your time, effort, love or anything else, but that is easy for me to say, I don't live your life. I have lived the life of a BS and believe me, that is a very hard road, so don't go forgetting there is another woman in his life too. I hope you can move on and that your future life sees you experiencing reciprocated love, where you never have to lie, hide or feel like a thing. An exclusive loving relationship is such a wonderful thing, I wish this for you. Take care Seren xx
WowReally Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 this is actually very sad. you were 19 when you started being his mistress. this will never ever work out into a relationship between you two because there is way too much of an age difference. he is ready to retire and you have barely been out on your own. he has lived his life, you haven't even started. what is the attraction? I think you're way to focused on the age difference here...people dont plan on falling for someone X # of yrs older than them or X # of yrs younger than them. If they click they click and age shouldnt have anything to do with it you need to get some counseling and find out why you were attracted to someone 33 years older than you How rude! You know people post in this forum so people in similar situations can give helpful advice not get judged and insulted!
lilbunny Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 The age gap is pretty irrelevant to your present situation, but in 20 years time do you want to still be mistress to a man in his 70s? You will be in your prime, will you still feel the same way? If you really love this man then you will honestly be able to say yes you will feel exactly the same. That said if you love this man, is being a mistress really enough? If the answer is no, then you probably don't love him with enough depth to go the distance. Either way there are some things to consider. I am concerned that you feel unable to talk to him. Why do you feel unable to do this? It sounds like an uneven situation if it was no problem for him to ask you to 'lay low' for a few months. Do you have any reason to think he returns your feelings? Why did you have to choose between him and your friends? Think carefully hun, I hope considering some of these things will help you make a decision for yourself. Most importantly take care of yourself.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 i am so totally in love with him.. i am 22 and he is 55.. a typical MM and mistress. so let me get this straight. hes a liar, a cheater...going to have a wrinkly saggy arse soon, if he doesn't already.....and you love him? why do I sense that money is a factor here? when we were on our 3rd year then, he asked me to lay low because of his never ending fights with his wife considering the kind of man he is, no doubt he had fights with his wife. we had no communication in 3 months but i made the first move to talk to him.. and decided to continue our relationship again.. but things changed. i just feel that he doesn't love me anymore well if he did, he'd leave his wife for you, right? calls everyday is like a routine.. no efforts... i feel im just a thing that he can take if he just wants to.. i just want him to give me some of his time.. but the thing is i can't tell these to him.. i'm afraid he will leave me again like before.. how can i ask him for some of his time??? if he had any smarts about him, which it sounds like he doesn't, he'd realize that you will never be a long term thing. Just like Anna Nicole Smith loved her 80 year old man If he was smart, he'd realize that if you two ever stayed together, that you'd be better dealing him when approaching his 60's and you are still in your young 30's. Again, gotta be money involved here
Ellin Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 Poor darling, how did it come to this - him becoming the only person you have? What about family members, old friends - have you got no one to support you? My heart's breaking for you as I know the pain you're going through and I wish I could be there for you in person when you're going through the worst moments. Be strong, life will get better and at your age you have all the time in the world. But this man will bring you nothing but hurt. He isn't as valuable as he seems. Try to distance yourself from him - little by little, not all at once. If it's feels like too difficult, take a break and do something to make you feel better, whatever it is, then try again and again. You do deserve better and will find it one day. Remember - people treat us in a way we allow them to treat us. Hugs.
Ellin Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 He isn't interested in you anymore - you do all the running, and in return all you get is a crappy phone call, and a bit of his time here any there, but only on condition that you are kept as a dirty little secret. . You know, when someone is in incredible pain from being hopelessly in love and experiencing rejection, it is not helpful to spell it out to them like that. It's like pouring salt on a wound.
alexandria35 Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 I agree with hockeyfan. I don't think age differences have to be a big deal but in this case where the age difference is so large and the OP is soooo young it is an issue. I think MM likely realizes this too. He knows that it's unlikely that their relationship could work out longterm. When he is in his sixties she is only going to be 30. What about when she wants to have a family? Is he going to be raising children in his seventies? I'm sure it must have been a big boost to ego to be almost 50 years old and having a hot 19 year old gf but he probably knew all along that it was just a fling. The chances of this poster was still being madly in love with him 10 or 20 years from now are very slim and he knows it.
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 i am so totally in love with him.. i am 22 and he is 55.. a typical MM and mistress.. when we were on our 3rd year then, he asked me to lay low because of his never ending fights with his wife.. we had no communication in 3 months but i made the first move to talk to him.. and decided to continue our relationship again.. but things changed. i just feel that he doesn't love me anymore... calls everyday is like a routine.. no efforts... i feel im just a thing that he can take if he just wants to.. i just want him to give me some of his time.. but the thing is i can't tell these to him.. i'm afraid he will leave me again like before.. how can i ask him for some of his time??? Please, try to end it with this 55 year old MM. He is robbing you of your youth!!!! HE is going to mess you up for a long time. 3 years is enough! He isn't going to leave his wife, ever. You deserve better! Why are you settling to be with someone who wants to hide you and keep you as his secret? It isn't flattering. He is using you because he's SELFISH! Listen to your gut, if you feel it isn't the same and he's paying less attention to you and you feel unloved by him, GET OUT. Get therapy to help you cope and get stronger so you can gain self confidence, heal and find a (single) guy who can share everything with you! A man who is going to love and adore you, grow with you...Not some old MM who has been married for a long time, has kids. He made his life already with someone. Don't you want that for yourself? Kids, a house, a family life, someone you can love and be proud of, show the world to?
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 I think you're way to focused on the age difference here...people dont plan on falling for someone X # of yrs older than them or X # of yrs younger than them. If they click they click and age shouldnt have anything to do with it How rude! You know people post in this forum so people in similar situations can give helpful advice not get judged and insulted! This guy doesn't love her. If he did, he wouldn't be treating her so poorly. Noone is insulting her, they are trying to open her eyes, give her a reality check. If she were single and he was single it would be different, but the fact is, he IS married. And, has NO intention of leaving his wife. She's young and been with this guy for too long! She has no other (maybe?) experiences, and this guy is and HAS been moulding her, giving her insecurities. I bet she is unhappy most of the time inside. Seeing an older married man, can never take him home to meet her parents. Cant' bring him to parties with her friends, go out on dates. All that good stuff she is missing out on! He is leading her on, and HE is the adult here, the one with more experience. He KNOWS nothing is ever going to go anywhere, yet he keeps her around for his convienance. That's cruel to do someone, especially someone that young. It started when she was 19, and now she's 22. Still young and very attached/inlove.
You Go Girl Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 You know, when someone is in incredible pain from being hopelessly in love and experiencing rejection, it is not helpful to spell it out to them like that. It's like pouring salt on a wound. She needs it spelt out to her like that, painful as it may be. He used her as a sex toy for 3 years, he never had any intention of building a life with her, and why would he? He would have to deal with her maturing, her wants for children, her desires for a nice house, etc. Geesh, he never wanted anything to do with that, he only wanted her for her young hot bod and that he could manipulate her as easy as play dough. This is the truth of a 55 year old man with a 22 year old woman. Some people may say age doesn't matter. That large of a gap does, and that he has no intentions of ever leaving his wife is the telling key here. Now after 3 years, his lust for her has diminished. He may be eyeing another young thang, or he may already be involved with one. He sees her as baggage now, baggage that he has to placate and pacify so as to keep her submissive and not tell his wife all about the affair. So he gives her five minutes of his time here and there. But he's not truly worried about her blowing the whistle on the affair to his wife, and he's not even feeling sympathy anymore for her distress. He probably finds it annoying, a burden, and even pathetic. He doesn't even pity her. My words are extremely harsh, I know. But if the wool is kept over this young woman's eyes any longer, she will be robbed of many years, either with him toying with her when he's in a sexual mood, or her starting up another such relationship. If there's anything that harsh words can do to open this used and abused woman's eyes, then it is to her benefit to do spell it out. The daddy issue does need to be addressed. The desiring to be used issue needs to be addressed. The giving all power of one's life and psychological health to another individual to destroy or appease needs to be addressed. His justification and lack of guilt? That she knowingly entered into a relationship with a MM and agreed to play the game. That she became far more emotionally involved was the gamble she made when she set up shop with a MM.
Ellin Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 She needs it spelt out to her like that, painful as it may be. . No, believe me, she is as painfully aware of it, as anyone can be already and there is really no need to rub it in. There are other ways to tell her what she needs to do and why - gentle, understanding and sensitive.
theodora Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 Mate I was in same situation as you, my MM has big age gap. I thought I could never meet anyone better. He said things to me like "our relationship has to be on my terms" and it was soooo painful but at the same time, he called me, he kept involved. That's what I didn't understand. If he didn't really want me, why didn't he leave me alone? You can't underestimate how his age helps him control you. It just does. All I can say is, it won't be easy getting out of it. Prob what people have been saying about the age gap has some truth in, maybe (i kno it's true for me) there are some father issues going on. Counselling helps! But also, just so you know, when I was with my 58 year old MM I thought I'd never meet anyone better. I didn't care about age gap or anything. I loved him so much. Now I met someone my age, and he is GENUINELY treating me good. He WANTS to hang out with me, make time for me, do stuff with me, go to movies, take me out for dinner. he talks about meeting family and going on holiday. I'm so so glad I got out of that MM relationship. You CAN do it. You WILL get through it. And when you're over it, you'll be really glad you got out. It might take time, but I believe you will get out when you're ready. You just have to trust yourself to do the right thing. Posting on here is a good start. Really helped me. I'm still a bit of a mess, but I feel like I'm through to the other side now. And if I can do it you definitely can. I was so far in! I thought he was "the oNe". Now I think it's so funny I ever thought that! Not because he's old. Because he treated me like ****!!!!
Fieldsofgold Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 Mate I was in same situation as you, my MM has big age gap. I thought I could never meet anyone better. He said things to me like "our relationship has to be on my terms" and it was soooo painful but at the same time, he called me, he kept involved. That's what I didn't understand. If he didn't really want me, why didn't he leave me alone? You can't underestimate how his age helps him control you. It just does. All I can say is, it won't be easy getting out of it. Prob what people have been saying about the age gap has some truth in, maybe (i kno it's true for me) there are some father issues going on. Counselling helps! But also, just so you know, when I was with my 58 year old MM I thought I'd never meet anyone better. I didn't care about age gap or anything. I loved him so much. Now I met someone my age, and he is GENUINELY treating me good. He WANTS to hang out with me, make time for me, do stuff with me, go to movies, take me out for dinner. he talks about meeting family and going on holiday. I'm so so glad I got out of that MM relationship. You CAN do it. You WILL get through it. And when you're over it, you'll be really glad you got out. It might take time, but I believe you will get out when you're ready. You just have to trust yourself to do the right thing. Posting on here is a good start. Really helped me. I'm still a bit of a mess, but I feel like I'm through to the other side now. And if I can do it you definitely can. I was so far in! I thought he was "the oNe". Now I think it's so funny I ever thought that! Not because he's old. Because he treated me like ****!!!! Lots of good posts here! The age difference is significant in that, at his 52 and your 19, there was/is a HUGE imbalance of experience/knowledge/POWER. It is clear that he doesn't really want to continue the relationship. Many of us here have found that counselling has helped us understand ourselves, our relationships and behaviors better, and helped us move on and avoid further hurtful, harmful interactions. I think it would be a good idea for you. After you have had some time and distance from the relationship, and some counselling, it will be easier to see it more clearly for what it is - not good for you, not what you deserve!!!
WowReally Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 What, pray tell, did a 19-year old have in common with a 52-year old? Does anyone else see Daddy issues?. I see 2 people who found comfort in eachother's company
WowReally Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 Lots of good posts here! The age difference is significant in that, at his 52 and your 19, there was/is a HUGE imbalance of experience/knowledge/POWER. I suppose this could be an issue but not always
WowReally Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 You are young. You should enjoy life with people without entanglements. A 20 something living life without entanglements? Im interpretting that as "no drama". Hmmmmmm I dont know of many 20 somethings that do that...not around my area anyway.
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