LDR gone bad. Was I too naïve?

[Juaguenande]

I had a very unpleasant experience with a LDR. I met my ex-girlfriend June 2009 through a dating website. Back then, I was feeling lonely, since it was hard for me to meet women due to my long working hours.

 

She was the one who initiated contact. At the beginning, I was not excited because she was living in my home country in Latin America, and I was in the United States. However, after a few weeks of exchanging e-mails, chatting, and talking on the phone I liked her personality and found many things in common between us.

 

Everything was working fine, until she added me to Messenger and Facebook. In those sites, I found some stuff that got me concerned. In Messenger, she had written a few days before she met me questionable messages to a guy. Example: “I really miss you. Why you do not call?”. In Facebook, she had pictures with that guy; as well as a picture of another guy which said “There are pictures you cannot stop looking at”. This seemed stranged to me, since she had told me she had not been in a relationship in over a year. When I asked her who they were, she said: “Do not worry they are only friends, and they are married”. Her response got me even more concerned, because you do not write what she did to married men.

 

I talked to my best friend, who happens to be a woman, about these issues and she said to give her a chance, because some people’s friendship are that close. Therefore, I let it go.

 

I decided it was time to meet in person, so I went to my homecountry to visit her. We spent 4 days together and had an incredible time. We started a relationship and talked about me moving back to my country in a few months (not move in together, just to live in the same city), so we could get to know better. I could not ask for anything better. She was pretty, well educated, and charming.

 

Nevertheless, 2 weeks after I was back in the United States something happened. She asked me what I thought if she went on a weekend trip with 2 male co-workers. I got mad and told her that I was not a good idea. She said she was sorry for asking and did not go.

 

Once again, I talked to my best friend and told her what had occurred. She said that I was overreacting. She added that my girlfriend at least asked for my opinion.

 

A month later, we had issues again. In her Facebook, a guy wrote a dubious note and she immediately erased it. Since I noticed it, I asked her why she did it. She said that he was a guy from her hometown, and did not want me to get concerned. This was too much to handle for me. It was the thid guy she had a “close” friendship with.

 

I had to know what really was going on, because I was going crazy. Therefore, I did something unacceptable: I snooped in one of her e-mail accounts. In that account, I found out that she indeed dated a married guy. But, to my surprise it was someone different. Also, there were e-mails that showed she had cheated in some of her boyfriends.

 

I spoke again with my best friend and told her what I found out. I shared with her my fears of my girlfriend's fliritng with or dating married men, as well as her cheating past. She said that I should give her a chance, because we all make mistakes, and need a second chance. So, I did not mention what I found out to my girlfriend. I only asked her to never, never contact guys from her past.

 

A few weeks later, one night she did not called me like she told me. I got upset and snooped in her account again. There, I found our she was having contact with the married guy she had dated years ago. Next day, I told her about my snooping. At the beginning, she got upset, but then accepted she had a problem. I only agreed to continue the relationship if she got help and went to counseling.

 

She did go to see a psychologist. She had weely sessions and realized her problems started from childhood, because she did not feel loved by her mom. Our relationship became stable and peaceful, and I was able to move back to my country, four hours away from her.

 

She went to visit me. We spent two marvelous weeks together. She meet my family and all of them liked her. We made plans for her to move to my hometown soon.

 

However, one afternoon, my girlfriend called me and said she needed to check some information of her e-mail, but she had no access to a computer because she was downtown. She gave me the password to her account and gave me permission to look for the information. I gave it to her, but I also read other e-mails. I admit it was wrong, but it allowed me to find out something that was happening behind my back.

 

I found an e-mail from a guy who gave her compliments: sexy, pretty, beautiful. Instead of ignoring him or telling him to stop, she repplied him asking why he had not answered her messages in Yahoo chat, not even to thank her for the chocolates she sent to him.

 

It infuriated me what I read and called her to ask who was this man, why he was flirting with her, why she was chatting with him and why she sent him some chocolates. She told me it was a co-worker, and she sent him chocolates to thank him for delivering a gift she bought for a female co-worker who just had a baby and lives near his house. She added that she wrote to him though Yahoo chat to see if he had delivered the gift.

 

Then, I asked her why she allowed him to tell her compliments, since it seemed inappropriate. She told me that he was that way, but he hated him because of it. My next question was that if she hated him why did she request request him to deliver that gift to her friend. She replied that she originally had asked another male co-worker, but he had given it to his friend (the guy in question) because he lives closer to the new mom.

 

1. He flirts with you

2. You do not bother, do not ignore or do not ask him to leave you alone

3. You do the opposite: you complain because he does not answer your chat messages

4. In addition, you send him chocolates and you complaint because he did no thank you

5. Finally, there is no mention about the gift that he supposed to deliver

 

She said it was wrong, but that in no way she was cheating on me, or wanted something with him. And to prove it, she sent an e-mail to him telling him not to talk her that way, because I had read the e-mail and it caused her problems with me, and that if she wrote him and sent the chocolates was only to thank him for deliver the gift.

 

However, I broke up our relationship, because she waited until I knew what I was going to put this guy a halt. For me it was obvious that she also was flirting, but changed her mind when I found out about the situation. I realized that the girl I loved, could not stop her obssession of being wanted by as many guys as possible. It broke my heart, but it was finally over.

 

When I spoke to my best friend in the United States she told me I did the right thing. She said that she had taken my ex-girlfriend’s side many times, but her behaviour was just not acceptable and could not do it anymore. She told me to forget her.

 

I keep asking myself: was I too naïve? What do you think?

Edited September 3, 2010 by Juaguenande

[madjac74]

Honestly I think the only person who did anything wrong in this story was you. You seem a bit controlling, untrusting and to snoop in her email everytime something seemed wrong is just not right. Your friend was right that people do make mistakes and it sounds like her cheating was before she met you. It might of been something she regrets and was embarrassed to tell you. She may have told you on her own as your relationship got stronger but you went and found out on your own the wrong way. And people flirt all the time. It's natural and it sounds like she wasnt even the one doing the flirting. My girlfriend has tons of guy friends and I know for a fact (because SHE told me) that several of them have wanted her in the past and possibly still do. Guys call her sexy and beautiful all the time too just like your ex girlfriend. Im sure they appreciate the compliments but we have to trust them that its not going to lead to anything and not snoop on them to find out more. It sounds like you guys would have had a great relationship if you didnt find out the things you werent supposed to know and you made your own assumptions about instead of believing her. Ignorance is bliss

[Juaguenande]

Honestly I think the only person who did anything wrong in this story was you. You seem a bit controlling, untrusting and to snoop in her email everytime something seemed wrong is just not right. Your friend was right that people do make mistakes and it sounds like her cheating was before she met you. It might of been something she regrets and was embarrassed to tell you. She may have told you on her own as your relationship got stronger but you went and found out on your own the wrong way. And people flirt all the time. It's natural and it sounds like she wasnt even the one doing the flirting. My girlfriend has tons of guy friends and I know for a fact (because SHE told me) that several of them have wanted her in the past and possibly still do. Guys call her sexy and beautiful all the time too just like your ex girlfriend. Im sure they appreciate the compliments but we have to trust them that its not going to lead to anything and not snoop on them to find out more. It sounds like you guys would have had a great relationship if you didnt find out the things you werent supposed to know and you made your own assumptions about instead of believing her. Ignorance is bliss

 

Thanks for your input. I do agree that snooping was not appropiate on my part. But, the way things developed I had to learn the truth. I tried to be patient and supporting with her, but she kept doing things which were just not right. She kept bringing the past into our present. For example, she kept having contact with the married man, instead of letting the past go and start fresh. Her psychologist told her even so.

Edited September 3, 2010 by Juaguenande

[madjac74]

Well if she is making efforts to contact him then its probably best to break it off. My gf has several ex's who still will not leave her alone and border on stalking. Of course she tells me all this. You probably did the right thing breaking it off. The trust issues in your relationship would probably be unrepairable.

[lala82]

I think you did the best thing. I cannot see any future in your relationship, because you have a lack of trust. You do not trust her now and I do not think you will trust her in the future, even if you re living in the same city.

 

The best thing you can do now is learn from this. Check your partners e-mails is not good for any relationship. E-mails accounts are private and it is not healthy for you to check your gf e-mails and made conclusions.

[aerogurl87]

You did the right thing, usually when your gut says something's off it's right. In this case it was. Even if she wasn't cheating on you, she was acting inappropriately with other men and obviously doesn't know boundaries.

[Juaguenande]

I think you did the best thing. I cannot see any future in your relationship, because you have a lack of trust. You do not trust her now and I do not think you will trust her in the future, even if you re living in the same city.

 

The best thing you can do now is learn from this. Check your partners e-mails is not good for any relationship. E-mails accounts are private and it is not healthy for you to check your gf e-mails and made conclusions.

 

I know that e-mails are private and it is not right to snoop. However, my gut kept telling me there was something going on. She was sending inapropiate messages to married men on Messenger and Facebook, who anyone could read, not just me. When I asked her about it, she kept contradicting herself.

 

Any reasonable person could see that she did not consider it was wrong for her to flirt with a married man. I knew that the flirting could go further, which at the end was the case. When I snooped, I confirmed that she had an affair with a married man. Maybe she even had more, because she had sexual conversations with other married men as well.

 

She was not respecting me. It was clear that she enjoyed the excitement of doing something forbidden, and being able to get away with it.

Edited September 4, 2010 by Juaguenande

[Juaguenande]

You did the right thing, usually when your gut says something's off it's right. In this case it was. Even if she wasn't cheating on you, she was acting inappropriately with other men and obviously doesn't know boundaries.

 

It is funny, but her psychologist also mentioned that she did not understand that a relationship has boundaries. The things she did, I would had never done them. I was totally faithful to her.

[tornandmarried]

snooping for evidence of cheating happens alot, i did it with my x that told me all along she was faithful, led to the relationship falling apart and over some time she confessed to lying and cheating the whole relationship with about 10 different guys.....snooping is a sign trust is broken, which means its probably time to move on anyway....but snooping can be benifical, if your being betrayed you wanna know about it

[Juaguenande]

snooping for evidence of cheating happens alot, i did it with my x that told me all along she was faithful, led to the relationship falling apart and over some time she confessed to lying and cheating the whole relationship with about 10 different guys.....snooping is a sign trust is broken, which means its probably time to move on anyway....but snooping can be benifical, if your being betrayed you wanna know about it

 

You are right, trust was broken because of the things she did and how she contradicted herself when I asked for an explanation. Since I felt was not getting the truth, it motivated me to snoop.

 

I had never done it with any of my ex-girlfriends before. I had no reason. They never gave me a motive not to trust them.

[Melissa606060]

 

It seems that she has a love adiction. She fits this pattern:

 

-Hates being alone

-Bad childhood/detached from family members

-Appears terrified that the relationship will end or of being rejected

-Does not trust you or others, but demands absolute trust from you

-Mistakes lust for love (love at first sight)

-May lead a double life

-Returns to previous relationships, just as obsessive/intense and then pattern begins again

-Denial of their affairs at all costs not just to their partner but also to friends/family

-Lies, secrecy and deception

-Extreme anger when confronted/probably blank you for a period of time or for good

-Plays the honesty card all the time

-Deflects responsibility for their own emotions/actions onto others (tries to blame you!)

-Pursues the need to be right/extreme reactions when proven wrong

-Rewrites history by distorting and ignoring facts, and vehemently defends them

-Appear confident and in control but inwardly insecure

-Progressively worse over a period of years

 

This is a compulsive obsessive disorder and highly destructive. People like this are addicted to falling in love and constantly searching for that perfect partner and looking outside of their relationship when things start to settle down. They think they have fallen madly in love with you, but as time goes on, they crave that amazing feeling when you first met and will use internet dating/clubs/bars and any way they can to meet someone else to fulfil this desire.

 

Once that relationship has become mundane, they may well return to you (you may never have realised that they were even having an affair but probably suspected it due to behaviour change) or they may leave you for their new love and the pattern repeats itself. It is probably due to a lack of love/nurturing/attention when young, possibly from a broken home, or had a violent or abusive parent.

 

I’m not a specialist, just a woman who tried to piece her life together again after falling in love with a love addict and trying to find the reasons for his behaviour…it was only after research that it started to fall into place…and I came to the conclusion that he was indeed a love addict. I’m just hoping that this helps some of you out there to make sense of your partners behaviour and to know that they are a lot more unhappy in their life than you will ever be…..you’ll get over it, but they will have to live with this destructive pattern for life unless they get help.

[aerogurl87]

 

-Hates being alone

-Bad childhood/detached from family members

-Appears terrified that the relationship will end or of being rejected

-Does not trust you or others, but demands absolute trust from you

-Mistakes lust for love (love at first sight)

-May lead a double life

-Returns to previous relationships, just as obsessive/intense and then pattern begins again

-Denial of their affairs at all costs not just to their partner but also to friends/family

-Lies, secrecy and deception

-Extreme anger when confronted/probably blank you for a period of time or for good

-Plays the honesty card all the time

-Deflects responsibility for their own emotions/actions onto others (tries to blame you!)

-Pursues the need to be right/extreme reactions when proven wrong

-Rewrites history by distorting and ignoring facts, and vehemently defends them

-Appear confident and in control but inwardly insecure

-Progressively worse over a period of years

 

This is a compulsive obsessive disorder and highly destructive. People like this are addicted to falling in love and constantly searching for that perfect partner and looking outside of their relationship when things start to settle down. They think they have fallen madly in love with you, but as time goes on, they crave that amazing feeling when you first met and will use internet dating/clubs/bars and any way they can to meet someone else to fulfil this desire.

 

Once that relationship has become mundane, they may well return to you (you may never have realised that they were even having an affair but probably suspected it due to behaviour change) or they may leave you for their new love and the pattern repeats itself. It is probably due to a lack of love/nurturing/attention when young, possibly from a broken home, or had a violent or abusive parent.

 

I’m not a specialist, just a woman who tried to piece her life together again after falling in love with a love addict and trying to find the reasons for his behaviour…it was only after research that it started to fall into place…and I came to the conclusion that he was indeed a love addict. I’m just hoping that this helps some of you out there to make sense of your partners behaviour and to know that they are a lot more unhappy in their life than you will ever be…..you’ll get over it, but they will have to live with this destructive pattern for life unless they get help.

 

Wow... you just described my ex to a tee.

[madjac74]

snooping is a sign trust is broken, which means its probably time to move on anyway....but snooping can be benifical, if your being betrayed you wanna know about it

 

Snooping is a sign of insecurity and low self asteem in my opinion. It's never beneficial in a relationship because you lose either way. If you get to the point where you suspect something wrong either end the relationship or talk to them about it. Not only is snooping wrong in a relationship but when you are in that frame of mind you can start to misinterpret everything and possibly accuse and hurt an innocent person.

[Juaguenande]

 

It seems that she has a love adiction. She fits this pattern:

 

-Hates being alone

-Bad childhood/detached from family members

-Appears terrified that the relationship will end or of being rejected

-Does not trust you or others, but demands absolute trust from you

-Mistakes lust for love (love at first sight)

-May lead a double life

-Returns to previous relationships, just as obsessive/intense and then pattern begins again

-Denial of their affairs at all costs not just to their partner but also to friends/family

-Lies, secrecy and deception

-Extreme anger when confronted/probably blank you for a period of time or for good

-Plays the honesty card all the time

-Deflects responsibility for their own emotions/actions onto others (tries to blame you!)

-Pursues the need to be right/extreme reactions when proven wrong

-Rewrites history by distorting and ignoring facts, and vehemently defends them

-Appear confident and in control but inwardly insecure

-Progressively worse over a period of years

 

This is a compulsive obsessive disorder and highly destructive. People like this are addicted to falling in love and constantly searching for that perfect partner and looking outside of their relationship when things start to settle down. They think they have fallen madly in love with you, but as time goes on, they crave that amazing feeling when you first met and will use internet dating/clubs/bars and any way they can to meet someone else to fulfil this desire.

 

Once that relationship has become mundane, they may well return to you (you may never have realised that they were even having an affair but probably suspected it due to behaviour change) or they may leave you for their new love and the pattern repeats itself. It is probably due to a lack of love/nurturing/attention when young, possibly from a broken home, or had a violent or abusive parent.

 

I’m not a specialist, just a woman who tried to piece her life together again after falling in love with a love addict and trying to find the reasons for his behaviour…it was only after research that it started to fall into place…and I came to the conclusion that he was indeed a love addict. I’m just hoping that this helps some of you out there to make sense of your partners behaviour and to know that they are a lot more unhappy in their life than you will ever be…..you’ll get over it, but they will have to live with this destructive pattern for life unless they get help.

 

Melissa:

 

You hit on the nail. You describe my ex-girlfriends behaviour perfectly.

 

-Hates being alone: When I broke up with her, and stopped answering her calls, she sent me a text message saying: “I feel so lonely. I am always alone”.

 

-Bad childhood/detached from family members: Her counselor mentioned her problems started because she did not feel love as a child by her mother. That is why she tried to fill her emptiness with men. However, one man was not enough. She craved for attention. She cheated on her boyfriends. I suspect she wanted to make sure she was never alone; that if she broke up with one, she always had one lined up.

 

-Appears terrified that the relationship will end or of being rejected: When I told her I wanted to break up with her, because of her actions she would tell me: “You are going to leave me just like the other guys”.

 

-May lead a double life: In an e-mail, she told the married guy I know for sure she had an affair: “All people probably think I am an innocent girl, but maybe I am not”. She also told a friend: “I attend a college which is like Sodoma and Gomorra. One of my classmates is gay, other do drugs”. She wanted to make her friend believe she was innocent when she was just the opposite. She cheated and had affairs with married men.

 

-Returns to previous relationships, just as obsessive/intense and then pattern begins again: From her e-mails, I learned she kept contact with most of her previous relationships. If this was all she did it would be acceptable. However, she would use some of them to cheat on her current boyfriend. Then, she would stop contact, but initiate later on. It was a vicious cycle.

 

-Denial of their affairs at all costs not just to their partner but also to friends/family: She would deny having affairs and flirting with other men, even if actions showed the opposite. I know that snooping was not correct. But, I needed to know the thruth, the real truth.

 

-Lies, secrecy and deception: When she left her hometown, she told her friends and co-workers she was leaving because she was going to marry her college sweetheart, who lived in another city. The truth is she was running away because a woman created her an scandal at her workplace, because she was e-mailing and flirting with her husband, who was my ex-girlfriend’s first love. I do not know what she told her family, but probably she denied the affair to them.

 

-Rewrites history by distorting and ignoring facts, and vehemently defends them: When I asked her for an explanation of the things she was doing, she would say one thing. When I told her it did not make sense, she would change her story and say something different.

 

-Deflects responsibility for their own emotions/actions onto others (tries to blame you!): She used to say the problem was me, for being insecure and jealous.

 

Thanks for sharing your story Melissa. I confirm she is an addicted/compulsive person. I probably was naive, but I wanted to make things work. I loved her. Now, I must move on.

Edited September 6, 2010 by Juaguenande