Wondering about NC...

[Silvaria]

I posted my story briefly in another thread, but just to recap quickly: My LD bf and I were dating for a year and a half. He broke up with me 3 1/2 weeks ago, because I had become too needy and clingy (I was going through a very bad time in my life, which I am luckily coming out of now). It is the 5th time he has dumped me. As with the previous 4 times, at first he blacklisted and blocked me everywhere, then slowly started contacting me again, though at first, his contact is cold and angry, with him saying this time we're not going to get back together, he's moved on, our relationship is in the past, etc....things I've heard before (oh, and someone mentioned in my last thread that he sounded insane...no, but he is a medicated bipolar, and they are notorious for pushing away everyone who gets close to them).

 

Now we're at the point where he's IMing or texting me nearly every single day, getting very friendly and very flirtatious, and yesterday, even reminiscing about a good time we had once had. Yes, the contact is somewhat stressful for me, but overall, I am generally very much enjoying it, and it is giving me hope.

 

Anyhow, I keep reading about NC, and I can't help but doubt seriously that this would be productive in my situation. If I don't talk to him when he writes me, how will I ever hope to have him warm up to me again to the degree that he wants me back? If I suddenly cut off all contact, he might actually get angry, and push me completely out of his life. As far as I can tell, the only chance I have, as has happened in the past, to get him back is to continue having contact with him, and let him hopefully fall in love with me all over again.

 

However, it has also occurred to me that he seems to chase me more when I play "hard to get", so I'm really torn on this.

 

I know I probably -shouldn't- want him back, but the heart wants what it wants, LOL...and I want him back very, very badly, so the "should" of it is irrelevant to me. I simply do.

 

So what do you guys think? Do you think my situation is an exception to the NC rule, or might it actually help me win him back?

 

Any and all opinions are appreciated, even if it isn't what I want to hear.

 

Thank you.

[Don Ho]

However, it has also occurred to me that he seems to chase me more when I play "hard to get", so I'm really torn on this. I know I probably -shouldn't- want him back, but the heart wants what it wants, LOL...and I want him back very, very badly, so the "should" of it is irrelevant to me. I simply do. So what do you guys think? Do you think my situation is an exception to the NC rule, or might it actually help me win him back? Any and all opinions are appreciated, even if it isn't what I want to hear.

 

I love it! Finally a woman that became a pussy! And here I thought I was only getting to tell the guys that! LOL. Seriously, Silvaria, I understand your pain, confusion, bewilderment and anguish. I would never dismiss the pain that people are going through.

 

Your situation does make a good point for you and the "guys" to see: whenever you become too clingy, too needy or too desperate, your GF, BF, S.O. or whatever you're calling them, will lose interest in you and dump you. It's human nature; when it comes to the dating/mating ritual we reject "mates" that are weak.

 

Sista, when you back off, that gives him some breathing room and gets him re-interested in you because people always want what they think they can't or really can't have. I would not say that your situation is the exception to NC since NC means no contact from YOU. I suppose in the case you can call it "backing off", playing hard to get or NC. It really doesn't matter.

 

Now of course you DO have to ask yourself why you are with a bipolar person and you have gone through this five times. Do you really want to continue and do it 10 more times? Now DON"T tell me it's "because I love him" because love is a choice just like putting the bottle down is a choice for the alcoholic. Plus, I will barf if I hear that again. I don't think this is a good relationship for you, but you will, of course, do what you want.

 

If you're going to stay with this perfect guy that's a basket case, you do not contact him and let him contact you. Yes you are correct, you let him chase you. You can call it "hard to get" if you like. In the meantime, go work on your self-confidence and your self-esteem. Oh, and please use PROTECTION!! If you think you have problems with this relationship, get knocked up and you will have 18 years of misery dealing with him.

 

If you do work it out (although I think you should let him go) remember not to turn into a clingy, needy little pussy. No one likes that. You have to be a stronger, confident woman. That will likely keep him more interested anyway. Good luck and keep us posted!

Edited September 3, 2010 by Don Ho

[Silvaria]

Heh...Don, I was almost hoping you'd reply. I've only been on this site a few days, but I've rather come to appreciate your straight-forward, no-nonsense approach. It's harsh at times, but you certainly don't mince words.

 

I love it! Finally a woman that became a pussy!

Oh, yes, and I freely admit it. I had been living with my now-ex-husband for 15 years, though we separated emotionally about 2 years ago, and were roommates only...then we got divorced in early April, and he moved out-of-state. I found myself living alone for the first time in 15 years, as well as unemployed (which is no longer the case, thank goodness!). As a result, I clung to my "Jon", my boyfriend, with everything I had...and even when I saw the warning signs of him becoming distant, I ignored them, and tried to hang on even more tightly.

 

I can't change the past, but I have certainly learned from it.

 

Now of course you DO have to ask yourself why you are with a bipolar person and you have gone through this five times. Do you really want to continue and do it 10 more times? Now DON"T tell me it's "because I love him" because love is a choice just like putting the bottle down is a choice for the alcoholic. Plus, I will barf if I hear that again. I don't think this is a good relationship for you, but you will, of course, do what you want.

No worries, I won't make you barf, LOL...I stay because it's beyond good 80% of the time. I have also learned a lot about bipolar disorder. The fact that he is medicated means he is trying to help himself, so I can hardly fault him for having an involuntarily brain chemical imbalance.

 

I also stay because during that 80% of the time, he is kind, generous, loving, and because he has made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

 

When we used to talk on Skype, with our webcams on, I can't even count the number of times he would interrupt himself and suddenly say, "God, you are SO hot", or "You have the most beautiful green eyes I have ever seen", or "Have I told you lately how much I love you?" I can't think of any woman who doesn't adore being made to feel like she's beautiful, even when she knows she isn't, by society's standards.

 

Unfortunately, his bipolar disorder also means he is moody as hell at times, and tends to withdraw from the world. He still needs love, though, like anyone else.

 

You have to be a stronger, confident woman. That will likely keep him more interested anyway.

Agreed, and I know I don't need to do this for him...I need to do it for ME. Even though the divorce was mutual and amicable, I didn't realize at the time what a toll it took on me, emotionally, and I was no longer the strong woman that "Jon" had fell in love with. I began to demand constant attention, becoming almost hysterical if he didn't respond to my affection in the way I wanted him to. So in one sense, this break-up has been actually good for me...it has required me to become more emotionally self-sufficient, as I find myself single for the first time in a very, very long time. I can't pretend I like being single, because I don't, but I'm forced to deal with it, and I'm honestly doing the best that I can.

 

All that being said...rather than sit here and wait for that IM window to pop up, I've decided to just log out of all the IM programs for the night, and simply relax. Just for tonight, I want to not be stressed by this situation. Tomorrow is another day, and I will deal with it then.

 

Thank you for your opinions and advice.

[Don Ho]

LOL. Thanks, I guess!! I try not to be harsh in my replies and try to keep the sugar coating to a minimum. When people are emotional they don't want to or can't hear hear the truth. I do empathize with everyone here. I know first hand that the pain is unbearable and the heart ache is intolerable. I HAVE been there and, believe me, I do understand the anguish, confusion and the pain. I wouldn't call a guy on here a pussy unless he behaved like on AND he was emotionally ok to hear that.

 

I see from your replies that you realize how you behaved as a weak person and you are not delusional about reality. You also clearly have a good head on your shoulders. Like the majority of us guys, including me, we do just what you did: "even when I saw the warning signs of him becoming distant, I ignored them, and tried to hang on even more tightly". When you're emotionally involved, it's very difficult to see what you're doing. Our natural instinct is to "pull in" the person when actually the best move is to back off or "pull away".

 

I did tell you that "You have to be a stronger, confident woman" and I'm glad you understand what I said. It is true of most of us guys on here too ... most guys attract a woman by being confident, funny, strong and so on. As we go on in a relationship, we give in more, become more emotional, lose our backbone and give up our manhood. Everything we did that made our woman attracted, we flip-flop and become something that repulses them. This is true with your situation too; you became too clingy and needy because of your past history. A weak person is unattractive no matter if you're a woman or a man.

 

Good plan. Chill for a bit. Good idea for you to continue to relax this week too. Clear your head. Go exercise. Hang with your friends for Labor Day weekend and have some fun. Hang in there and keep us posted!

[Silvaria]

Well, I woke up this morning and realized that he never did contact me last night, which made me feel kind of stupid for coming on here and essentially "bragging" that he was contacting me every single day. And as I lay there in bed, literally just waiting for that text message sound to happen, I began to understand what you've all been saying about NC...that it gives THEM all the power. I'm the one just sitting here, waiting like a little puppy for him to throw me a bone.

 

And as I thought about it more and more, I began to see the wisdom in initiating NC on my part. I have spent so many days since we broke up, wondering where he was, why wasn't he writing, when was he going to write...then, this past week, when he not only start writing every single day, but he was writing multiple times per day and getting more and more flirtatious, I began to think, "This is it!!! He's coming back, just like before!!" So not hearing from him at all yesterday brought that all crashing down (which I know doesn't really mean anything, since he didn't necessarily get in touch with me every single day when we were together, but it was still disheartening).

 

Wow, this isn't going to be easy, though. I really don't want him to KNOW I'm starting NC, because as I've read in posts and guides about the topic, it will tend to defeat the purpose. So blocking him on the IM programs is out, because he'll know. And I can't block him on my cell, anyhow. So that means it's going to come down to that horrible "w" word...willpower. He WILL write again, most likely later today, and it's going to take so much damn willpower not to eagerly respond that I question whether or not I have enough of it...

 

But damnit, I want HIM to wonder what I'M doing for a change, you know?!? I want HIM to write, and not get an answer, for a switch. I want HIM to think that I am the one who is too busy to write back. I'm truly tired of jumping as soon as he snaps his fingers...I want him to snap them until he's blue in the face, and yet, all he gets in return is silence. That would be immensely satisfying to me right now...more so than talking to him, because I see now that I have been far, far too readily available. I have read various advice about getting him back, and one of the items I read said that if you're ALWAYS available, why would he bother wanting to reinstate an official relationship with you? He's already got what he wants - you, there whenever he wants it.

 

So, it's time to play "hard to get", and do NC. I don't know if I'll last the day, LOL...but by gosh, I'm going to try. I'll post later and let you know how it goes.

[Silvaria]

Sigh...

 

Well, I blew that, BIG-TIME...literally within 5 minutes of my posting the above message, he wrote me on AIM, making reference to a hilarious private joke we have between us...I LOL'd IRL, and of course, instead of keeping it to myself, I wrote him back.

 

/headdesk

/headdesk

/headdesk

 

I'm starting to wonder if there is any hope for me, LOL...

[VeveCakes]

The purpose of NC is not to trick someone into wanting to get back together with you, it is to give you space, time, and a clear head to heal and move on

[flyguy23]

I am going through the same thing. I find myself checking my phone hoping to see a call or text. I have been broken up with my ex for about a month. Last night she called me about 20 times and texting me saying she missed me. I didn't answer any of them. Today she called me some more and I finally got the balls to answer and tell her to stop because she left me heart broken and didn't care for weeks while she was happy without me and I wont forget that. It was very hard for me and I kind of feel bad about saying that to her but I had to and your going to have to do something similar. Stop going on AIM or block him. Hopefully he will realize he misses you and wants you back but if not, you will already be on the road to recovery. Good luck

[skydiveaddict]

Love is a choice? How so? Because I would love to fall out of love with my now double-ex, but I havent been able to do it over the last ten years.

 

 

How do you keep going after so long? I couldnt do it

[Silvaria]

Hello, everyone.

 

Veve, I understand logically what you're saying, that NC is supposed to help me move on...unfortunately, I'm not at that point yet. I don't -want- to move on...I still strongly feel that I have a chance at getting him back. We IM'd for most of the day, until his Internet went out again (and yes, he does have tons of 'Net problems, if he didn't want to talk to me, he'd just say, "Gotta go, later" and leave, LOL...he's not the type to pretend to d/c just to stop talking to me).

 

But I'm starting to wonder something...if I have to play "hard to get" in order to get him back, is it possible that as soon as I become overly available again, he'll leave again? Something to honestly think about...

 

Hm, interesting question raised, though...is love really a choice?

 

Wow...at the risk of sounding excessively romantic, I'm not sure that it is.

 

When he and I met in an MMORPG, it was truly "love at first chat"...we were instantaneously STRONGLY attracted to each other. The first night we chatted, we said we thought we'd already fallen in love...yes, I know, it sounds "teenagish" and melodramatic, but in all seriousness, the intensity of the feelings we shared was indescribable, and like nothing I'd ever experienced at my age. It's one of the reasons I honestly have believed for the last 18 months that we were inseparable...especially considering how many times he himself has said that no matter how often he goes away angry, he'll always come back...that it will take a nuclear fallout to truly separate us permanently.

 

So can I simply choose to stop loving him...? I would sincerely have to say no...if I could willingly take that path, I would have the first time he dumped me viciously over a silly comment that I made, which he took much too seriously. He and I have often joked that we walk a very thin line between love and hate...and there have been plenty of days where I wish I could simply walk away. But when I try, I just can't do it...the intensity of the good times outweigh the pain of the bad, no matter how hard I try to focus on the latter.

 

Anyhow, that being said, I have one more day off tomorrow before Hell Week starts at work...and I've decided that I'm going to turn off AIM, visit a friend I haven't seen in a while, and spend some time to myself, free of the emotional stress that accompanies his presence.

 

Heh, yeah, I know, my track record isn't too good at the moment...but I can honestly say I'm truly going to TRY.

 

Thanks so much to everyone for listening to me vent...and thank you for your opinions. I wish I could give everyone who wants one a big hug.

[skydiveaddict]

Well, I received several "crumbs" of attention along the way, before we finally got together from 2006-2008, and then again from April-August of this year. In addition to that, I received a very large inheritence in 2003 which made my 20s very easy. So, I smoked a lot of weed, played a lot of disc-golf, and saw a lot of concerts.

 

Going forward, I've got lawschool, and if that cant keep me busy, I dont know what else will. Besides... what choice do I have? Had I "offed" myself, I wouldn't have gotten back together with her in April. Who knows, it may happen again, or I may be lucky enough to find someone else one-third as wonderful as her.

 

 

kudos to you man I dont think I could do it

[CLC2008]

HHm, interesting question raised, though...is love really a choice?

 

Yes, I believe that it is, but sometimes we make bad choices.

[Don Ho]

But I'm starting to wonder something...if I have to play "hard to get" in order to get him back, is it possible that as soon as I become overly available again, he'll leave again? Something to honestly think about...Hm, interesting question raised, though...is love really a choice?

 

Silvaria, you can play hard to get and you will have to in order to possibly get him back. And yes, if you become overly available he will likely lose interest and dump you again. That's human nature, but also the way he handles relationships. You will have to change how you have behaved with him which includes continuing to play hard to get and being a challenge. I would not say you IMing him all day was playing hard to get. Like the other members have said, why would you want him back when he has dumped you about four times?

 

Ok, just to clarify my thought, I think you can choose not to fall in love if you think someone is a bad choice for you. Of course that would be before you get too involved. I think you have a choice to control your actions as best possible. Yes you can still be in love with them and love them and it may hurt but I think you can choose to "put that bottle down". You can chose, to some extent, not to continue to make yourself miserable. Silvaria, that wasn't love at first chat, that was merely infatuation. Don't confuse the two.

 

BiAxident, ten years.... that's a long time to hold on emotionally. Why do you continue to do that? Law School for you? Awesome Bro. THAT will keep you fckn busy!!

[Silvaria]

Hello again to everyone.

 

Well, we were IMing night before last, and we had a "date" to play an online game together when his Internet went out. I waited and waited, and finally gave up, but before I went to bed, I called and left him a voice mail. I very nicely said it would be only courteous if he could let me know if he wasn't coming back, so I wouldn't sit there and wait for him. Then, as I was saying goodbye, the words, "I still love you, baby" practically just came out of my mouth on their own accord. As soon as I hung up, I felt like pounding my head against a wall...but at the same time, I was almost glad I said them because I know him well enough to know that it would possibly anger him enough to make him not contact me again, which would be a good thing since I don't seem to have the willpower to initiate NC on my own.

 

Instead, he IM'd me the next morning, telling me he was SORRY (him, apologize?!?) for his Internet acting so stupid. I said it was OK, not his fault. Then he said he was heading out, he had just wanted to say hello before doing so. I said take care, be safe, and he left. That was yesterday around noon, and I haven't heard from him since.

 

Sadly, this is almost bad news, because it means that he apparently didn't mind my telling him I still loved him, and for him to apologize means he really is warming up to me again. He's not the type that apologizes for much of anything, even when it actually IS his fault, LOL...

 

All that being said...I sat down last night and wrote out an email which I haven't sent yet, and haven't decided whether or not I will. It basically tells him that I cannot play this "friends" game with him because my feelings are too strong, and that every time we talk or text or whatever, it is slowly killing me emotionally not to be able to tell him how much I love him. I'm debating on sending it because some part of me, the masochist side, I guess, wants him in my life ANY way I can...even if it's "just friends". Another side wants to send it because in the past, when I've pretty much told him he can't have the milk anymore unless he buys the cow, he antes up, LOL...and I guess that's part of what I hope will happen again.

 

I know a number of you don't understand why I want this guy back, after being dumped 5 times...I don't really know what to tell you, except that as I explained in a previous post, when we're together, it's awesomely fantastic 80% of the time, and he makes me feel beautiful and loved. But, he has bipolar disorder, and that isn't his fault. Even people with mental issues need love, too. And things like what happened yesterday, him going out of his way to contact me, to say hello and apologize, tell me that somewhere, buried under all the bizarre crap that goes on in his head, he still loves me. That's incredibly difficult to walk away from.

 

Anyhow, not really looking for advice, though it is always welcome...I really like having a place to vent my thoughts. Thank you for reading this.

[Don Ho]

Not looking for advice? You should be. DO NOT send that email or any other letter!! So much for you playing "hard to get". You had an online "date" to play a game? Not to insult you, but WTH are you thinking? Then you call him and say Love You Babe? For a woman that wants him back, you sure do the opposite of what you're suppose to be doing. I suggest you back off and get your emotions under control so you can think more clearly. DO NOT tell him you love him anymore whether you think he was receptive to it or not. Geez. Not to be a prick, but you're acting a bit pathetic. Can you possibly leave it alone for 3-4 days and NOT contact him back if he contacts you?

[Silvaria]

Not looking for advice? You should be. DO NOT send that email or any other letter!! So much for you playing "hard to get". You had an online "date" to play a game? Not to insult you, but WTH are you thinking? Then you call him and say Love You Babe? For a woman that wants him back, you sure do the opposite of what you're suppose to be doing. I suggest you back off and get your emotions under control so you can think more clearly. DO NOT tell him you love him anymore whether you think he was receptive to it or not. Geez. Not to be a prick, but you're acting a bit pathetic. Can you possibly leave it alone for 3-4 days and NOT contact him back if he contacts you?

I know I'm being pathetic...and no, I don't know how to -not- reply to him. In one of life's great ironies, even as I quoted your post just now, he logged onto AIM and of course wrote me immediately...I sat there and stared at the chat window for a while, and I finally realized something...

 

He's an addiction, plain and simple. I crave him the way I can imagine a smoker craves nicotine, or an alcoholic craves that next drink, or even the way a heroin addict craves their next high.

 

I have no experience with giving up an addiction; I don't even know where to start. I only know that I can't seem to stay away from him, no matter how much I know I should, and regardless of the cost, emotionally.

 

So yes, I am being pathetic, and I fully realize that. I just am not quite sure yet how to stop...when he writes, I respond like a trained puppy. It doesn't do much for my pride, yet it feeds the addiction.

 

I guess I should start looking up information not on getting over a breakup, but getting over an addiction. Somehow, it's starting to seem a bit more appropriate.

 

Thank you for being so straight-forward, as always. I just wish they had a patch for this sort of thing, LOL...

[Don Ho]

Wow. Someone had a revelation! Good job. Yep, relationships and people can be addictions. It can also have to do with obsessive behavior. Spend your time reading about that instead of conversing with him.