Did I **** up bad by telling her family/parents we broke up (before she did)?

[dextm]

Me and my coworker broke up 3.5 weeks ago, but she hasn't told ANYONE except for her bff. She doesn't want anyone to know. I didn't want her to continue lying to her parents/family and make up bs for why I couldn't make it to their family gatherings (aka my sudden disappearance for 3.5+ weeks). Her family "loves" me, respects me, and have great expectations for me, but little do they know that we are no longer together.

 

So two nights ago, immediately after I declared permanent NC to the ex, I told her parents/family. I did it out of respect for myself, out of respect for her parents/family who were dying to have me cook dinner the weekend before (I was told). Basically it was my final farewell to a "mutual" breakup that looked like it will be forever dead (she gave me hope, but not enough).

 

But she did not see it that way. And neither did I, until I realized the aftermath, because I never thought it thru. She hates my guts (before, I was still her "best friend") because I broke the news to her family before she did. This, to her is unforgivable. She doesn't have the best relationship with her family and so they probably bitched her out. The thing is, I never talked trash about her to her family. I just wished them well, wished things were better between us, and thanked them for their generosity/kindness. I DID NOT TALK ****. It's the worse thing that's ever happened to her and worse for me to witness it, even worse than the ex-bf cheating scumbag she's with atm. So I sat in silence, listening to her sob, insult, question me in what will probably be our final phone conversation. She was sick to her stomach, couldn't eat, sleep, felt like vomiting, yesterday and ultimately took a sick day.

 

What have I done? What can I do?

Edited September 2, 2010 by dextm

[LisaLee]

 

So two nights ago, immediately after I declared permanent NC to the ex, I told her parents/family....

 

What have I done? What can I do?

 

You declared permanent NC with the ex... why does all this matter?

[GorillaTheater]

You declared permanent NC with the ex... why does all this matter?

 

Exactly.

 

And just as an aside, no you didn't do anything wrong by talking to her family. How the hell is that something to get all bent out of shape over?

 

Keep that permanent NC going.

[Hop_prophet]

I agree. You broke up and you can tell anyone you want. How can you f*** something up that's already f***ed? You didn't do anything wrong at all. Don't let her mess with your head and convince you otherwise. Sounds like she moved on quickly enough. You should do the same.

[Citizen Erased]

What a drama queen. Do yourself a favour and actually stick with NC. She's just wanting you to be the bad guy, to make up for the fact she moved on to someone else. Don't give her the opportunity to make you feel bad.

[Lemontang]

Yes be mindful of the bad guy/victim card being played. You did the right thing and that was by telling the truth. Some people are ashamed or embarrassed to admit to family that they are no longer with the other person, especially when that family really likes that person as well. But it's the right thing to do and by the sounds of it you did it respectfully.

I had a similar issue with an ex who played the bad guy/victim card on me telling me I threw her & her daughter out and they had nowhere to go, which was never the case she left on her own accord. Not long after, I spoke with her folks to talk to her about some issues she was having. In short she only told them what she wanted them to know, needless to say her parents were quite shocked about what had really been going on.

 

Stick to NC, especially if she's already moved on so quickly.

[CupidsPosionedArrow]

Well dude,

 

I think you knew that what you did and you did it for mostly negative reasons. Why on earth would you announce anything to her parents? It's HER parents, not yours, why why why would you get them involved, and to do it in such a way is horrible. Sure it's "OK" to do this but man, it's ethically extremely questionable.

 

Not sure if you can fix this one, what you could offer is that you guys stage it to mom and dad that you're back together, then let her decide when to break it to them. If you care, which seems like you do since you started this thread. Otherwise, just throw this fish back in the sea and don't look back . Good luck.

[CupidsPosionedArrow]

What a drama queen. Do yourself a favour and actually stick with NC. She's just wanting you to be the bad guy, to make up for the fact she moved on to someone else. Don't give her the opportunity to make you feel bad.

 

Don't agree, there are ways to ethically behave regardless of the other party's actions... Just because she's no good, doesn't mean he has a free pass to be passive aggressive..

[dextm]

Because her parents treated me like a "son"?

 

Really, it's not my fault she's been lying to everyone for 3.5 weeks.

[CupidsPosionedArrow]

Because her parents treated me like a "son"?

 

Really, it's not my fault she's been lying to everyone for 3.5 weeks.

 

OK you can rationalize this however you like, what I'm just suggesting is take more mature attitudes away from this (1) other people's behavior patterns shouldn't always be the only thing that dictates yours (2) you should ultimately be mindful of what you want to get out of people, not what your emotions urge you to do to them.

 

I think you knew what it would have done to her , you felt like she was benefiting from something she didn't deserve and you acted out passive aggressively. I think most people here feel that 'revenge', something that is usually less beneficial activity in most cases, was the most prudent since you were terminating contact, I feel that it sets standard to hinder yourself in the future. Plus, I think you wanted to remain friends, which now could be impossible ..

[GorillaTheater]

I think you wanted to remain friends, which now could be impossible ..

 

Good. NC is the best route for this guy. "Being friends" generally turns out to be a soul-sucker for the dumpee. And revenge? Is that what you think motivated him? Not my reading at all. I see a guy who had a close relationship with his ex's family and was saying goodbye. Strikes me as a mature thing to do.

[dextm]

Plus, I think you wanted to remain friends, which now could be impossible ..

 

I already decided in my mind I could not be her friend once the scumbag ex came into the picture.

[CupidsPosionedArrow]

Good. NC is the best route for this guy. "Being friends" generally turns out to be a soul-sucker for the dumpee. And revenge? Is that what you think motivated him? Not my reading at all. I see a guy who had a close relationship with his ex's family and was saying goodbye. Strikes me as a mature thing to do.

 

Not really the point, that is really up to him to decide and he didn't ask that anyway, on top of it, he seems concerned with her feelings which seems to indicate he does have have contact or would like to. Plus I feel he's angry with her, she's probably a piece of garbage in a lot of ways, and I can only see him wanting to wreck her make believe world with her parents for revenge of sorts. Note, there are good things with revenge (from what I've heard by experts) so, honestly, if you were going to knock down my argument, there you go. There is really no other reason why he would contact mom and dad.

 

I just had a thought, he should have gone over to mom and dads every night, drink beer, hang out, have them all call her while he was there. Slap her on the ass when she comes in the door, kiss all hot and heavy ... ha ha ha ha Just keep it up endlessly until she has enough of it .. ha ha

[CupidsPosionedArrow]

I already decided in my mind I could not be her friend once the scumbag ex came into the picture.

 

OK Fair enough..

 

So I got one for you, I have a (very pretty) "friend" who called me up after months of not talking and asks me for a favor, I ended up not doing that favor because of the rain and we hung out a couple of times afterwards. Basically she wanted help with a yard sale, I've known her for years.

 

Anyway, then a little later was asked to help her move. It turned out I had to move her all the way down to the City in my vehicle, pay for tolls and gas, and I worked my ass off, - was probably the most humid day of the year. Then she treats me like garbage to me and says "you can go now" or something to that effect to me and another "friend" of hers. I find out I have to drive this other person back to another town. Total crap. I was livid. Long story short, a couple more things happen that make me feel used, how should I react to all of this ? I have the urge to tell her to go **** herself...

[Stung]

Were her parents actually calling you every day, like some kind of unstoppable, unavoidable telephonic force? In that case, telling them is somewhat understandable--although personally, I think you should have just told them very respectfully to take up the issue with their daughter, and left it at that. I don't think she should have been lying to her family, but I don't know what her reasons were and they are her family to deal with, not yours. I do think you crossed a line since you obviously knew you were going against her wishes and I can't imagine it would have been that hard just to deflect them or advise them to take it up with her.

 

That being said, it sounds like she is way, WAY overreacting and is a total drama queen. The majority of any negative flak she is taking now is probably because she was lying, and she ought to take responsibility for that rather than try to pin everything on you.

 

Anyway you've already gone NC, so just stick to NC and keep on walking. It's all over and done with now, nothing to see here.

[dextm]

Bumped into her at work twice today but did not say a word or give eye contact.

 

2 hours ago, she texted me: "I don't know how long it will take to forgive you but i feel so alone without you."

 

Maybe she shouldn't have dumped me. I love this girl and I would take her back but I'd pretty much have to control who she contacts (no more contact with that scumbag ex). Not worth it I think.

[Joe Normal]

This just proves you were right to dump her. Drama = insta-dump and don't look back.

[dextm]

Been ignoring 2 phone calls since. Did reply to her "Thanks for putting the movies on my laptop appreciate it, meant to say thanks before" with an "Okay".

[CupidsPosionedArrow]

Been ignoring 2 phone calls since. Did reply to her "Thanks for putting the movies on my laptop appreciate it, meant to say thanks before" with an "Okay".

 

Nice, hard to get. Might work. She still loves you (is that a good thing?) ... before you know it you two will be doing the love dance .. ha ha

[dextm]

She will always "love me", just like she "loves" everyone. Just won't be "in love".

[dextm]

Great, she dropped by my desk and started talking to me today after she reminded me to return something to her. I gave in, ended up arguing and talking about the past. We still care about each other, she hates how things ended, hates how I'm avoiding her at work, but there is no solution to any of this. I told her to deal with it because we're obviously not getting back together.