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what do I tell her about her boyfriend

Best of Friends

By Best of Friends
in Business and Professional Relationships

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Best of Friends Member

Best of Friends

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Man, does this never end?

 

They only do that in Massachusetts, Vermont, and in some months California.

 

You've already gone on record as an untrustworthy, irresponsible (person) in your personal life, and now you want to bring those traits into the workplace with regard to one of your subordinates. You are projecting your personal past onto someone who has nothing to do with it. These are your issues, not hers.

 

The reason I had asked you to move on to another discussion Sincereguyonline is that I don't value you or your opinion. I am trying to understand something and there have only been a few responses that I have put thought into. I am not doing a poll of "what's your favorite color"--who cares. I am listening to people that can articulate something meaningful to help me understand the situation. Opinion is overated, but analysis is useful. By demeaning me about my distant past, or threatening with fear of "getting into trouble" is visceral. I value intelligent people's interpretation and analysis. Sincereguyonline, I bet you anything, that you personally know a married couple where the husband is cheating on the wife with some other guys. If don't know this then you need to get your head out of the sand.

 

Finally, I want to say that some people adhere to some rules like "that's not your original question" or "you are gay/coworker ...so you can not be a friend" I must have missed that passage in the rule book; what page is that on?

 

I find valuable comment to be like..."oh yeah, I know someone who was in that situation and this is what happened".--or, "I know a guy who is gay acting, and he got marriend and is still married after 30 years and five children...". I think substance will really help me understand, and I am gratefull to those who have tryied.

Mary3 Established Member

Mary3

Posted
Posted

Best of Friends : You love drama....I can taste it in you.....

SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

Posted
Posted
Sincereguyonline, I bet you anything, that you personally know a married couple where the husband is cheating on the wife with some other guys. If don't know this then you need to get your head out of the sand.

 

 

Dude, to first admit such pathetic behavior and then try to present yourself as any sort of a deserving individual at this message board or anywhere else in life is laughable!

 

What on earth possesses a gay guy to get married to a woman?

 

I mean, if you or she needed a green card or something, then at least there is some logic to it.

 

Your track record is that of someone who doesn't give a darn about women, so what advice were you expecting at this forum, based on that?

 

This past information about you assures everyone what kind of a person you are, and now the additional information from the present about you basically planning to harrass one of your employees (the best one, no less) just seals the deal.

 

 

You are 50's gay man, who is her boss , who happens to think she is lovely but she is 30 years younger than you and if you were -30 younger and not gay you would marry her , right ?

 

 

Mary, you got me all wrong!!!

I said if I were not gay, and if she were 30 years older.

 

 

... and yeah, Mary got you "all wrong"

tetrapod Member

tetrapod

Posted
Posted (edited)

I have read this forum for several years, but this thread finally compelled me to sign up.

 

I am astonished that Best Of Friends has been attacked so harshly for this! I don't care to respond to that, but directly to him.

 

You are gay. As far as I am concerned that makes you the equivalent of a female friend to her. You are also her boss, which DOES make things a little weird, but if SHE is definitely approaching you for advice, then I agree: she thinks of you as at least a person who has valid advice. (Maybe you should accept that what you think is valid, rather than needing to check here ;)

Women often feel safe with gay male friends because they know they are safe from being hit on.

 

Some people ask for advice and want reassurance. Some genuinely want to know what the other thinks. Some ask for advice but really just want to talk and find their own way.

You see the difference? What do you think she wants?

 

Now, this is the really serious one.

You are an older gay man. You have probably seen many closeted men fall out of marriages and cause a lot of hurt all round. You are thus primed to see this in others.

I know an alcoholic, it is nasty. I am very sensitive to noticing other's drinking habits.

I was with an abusive criminal. If I get the same vibe from a man all the defenses go up and I get the hell out.

I knew a man who was a sex addict, he would quickly assume others to be similar.

None of these things I (or he) KNEW for sure about the person. Not for certain. We were simply hypersensitive to the issues that directly affected us. Maybe oversensitive, maybe self-protective.

 

What I am saying here is you MAY be right about his gayness, but you also MAY be totally barking up the wrong tree, because it is an issue that you are sensitive to.

 

Personally I would lean to get her discussing the relationship, the problem of her feeling he is not romantically attached etc, but leave out the gay bit. Is this the best relationship she could be in, or is she settling somehow? Maybe later it might become appropriate to talk about that, *gently*, but only if you have a lot more than a hunch.

Edited by tetrapod
clarification
Mary3 Established Member

Mary3

Posted
Posted

I have a feeling Best of Friends has a problem with his gayness.

 

He denies it , admits to it , is upset- ( why I don't know as I have no problem with gay men , they are fun ).

 

He could have said " I am her 50 year old boss but HE introduced the gay factor .

 

Does he wish he was not gay at times ? ( I don't know many gay guys that wish they were straight - how prevelant is this ?

 

In order to help him I had to repeat back what he was telling me. HE was the one who switched it up and then got upset.

  • Author
Best of Friends Member

Best of Friends

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I have read this forum for several years, but this thread finally compelled me to sign up.

 

I am astonished that Best Of Friends has been attacked so harshly for this! I don't care to respond to that, but directly to him.

 

You are gay. As far as I am concerned that makes you the equivalent of a female friend to her. You are also her boss, which DOES make things a little weird, but if SHE is definitely approaching you for advice, then I agree: she thinks of you as at least a person who has valid advice. (Maybe you should accept that what you think is valid, rather than needing to check here ;)

Women often feel safe with gay male friends because they know they are safe from being hit on.

 

Some people ask for advice and want reassurance. Some genuinely want to know what the other thinks. Some ask for advice but really just want to talk and find their own way.

You see the difference? What do you think she wants?

 

Now, this is the really serious one.

You are an older gay man. You have probably seen many closeted men fall out of marriages and cause a lot of hurt all round. You are thus primed to see this in others.

I know an alcoholic, it is nasty. I am very sensitive to noticing other's drinking habits.

I was with an abusive criminal. If I get the same vibe from a man all the defenses go up and I get the hell out.

I knew a man who was a sex addict, he would quickly assume others to be similar.

None of these things I (or he) KNEW for sure about the person. Not for certain. We were simply hypersensitive to the issues that directly affected us. Maybe oversensitive, maybe self-protective.

 

What I am saying here is you MAY be right about his gayness, but you also MAY be totally barking up the wrong tree, because it is an issue that you are sensitive to.

 

Personally I would lean to get her discussing the relationship, the problem of her feeling he is not romantically attached etc, but leave out the gay bit. Is this the best relationship she could be in, or is she settling somehow? Maybe later it might become appropriate to talk about that, *gently*, but only if you have a lot more than a hunch.

 

Tertrapod: I totally hear you... but their have been new developments. She heard through a friend, he is going to propose to her...but no ring yet.

I have all along saying that she should have a long engagement, at least a year, should he pop-the question. She said she is totally not in a rush because she is too unsure about the situation. The best news is, he suggested that they do pre-marriage counseling, which I was very relieved to hear. Unfortunately it's going to be though her church. I did tell her how wonderful of an idea it would be. But the shocker was, she said she is afraid to talk at a church sponsored counseling because of the potential impact of something getting "out" and hurting this person.

I felt she was talking "code" saying to me "I understand the situation and I am coserned about it too, but I have no way aproaching this because of the devistation it might cause if it's true or not true.

Like I said, she is very smart. I think I can stay out of it, but still be there for her.

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