bill858 Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 First I'll apologize for the length of this post...but I need to share it. 5 Days ago I had a bomb dropped on me...the love of my life walked out the door. Some backround...We were together for over 3 years. We lived together for over 2 years. I'm 32, she is 33. She has had several relationships in her life that have lasted for a few years...but for me, this was my first REAL LOVE. I truely believed we are meant to be together forever. We always told each other that we were soulmates and couldnt live without each other. I was under the guise that all was fine...but apparently in her head it hasnt been for some time. I guess the first sign of trouble was a month ago. she was hangin out with a friend on her day off, her friend Bobby, who is a man and is also gay. We agrued over them spending time together. I had a problem with it because everytime they hung out, they got drunk. I would come home to drunkeness, and it would result in fighting. She says that I'm controlling, possesive and wont allow her to have friends. That I was trying to keep her trapped all for myself. over the last month we had 2 big arguments...both set off over this. then, the other day she approached me with her cell phone in hand. I had transferred the memory card from my old phone to her new phone 2 weeks earlier. She had discovered some photos on the memory card. they were photos of girls. not girls I had any relationship with ever, not even girls I knew. some were "porn" pics emailed from guy friends of mine, some were of pretty girls I saw in public, but nothing sexual. She had found these pictures, but for 2 weeks she didnt say anything to me about it. instead, she showed me the other day and already had her things packed to leave. For the next few days we were in contact via text message. Mainly me apologizing, telling her I miss her and love her and that I want her back and will do anything to accomplish that. She mainly said that i broke her trust and she doesnt think it can be restored. She said she need space, and I want to give her that...but the way she left, left me with a lot to say still. She spent 2 weeks generating her thoughts before she dropped this on me, and I have only been collecting my thoughts over the past few days since she left. I really want her to know what I'm thinking too. During our text arguments of the past few days... other issues have been brought into light. She feels that in the 3 years we were together, if I loved her, I would have married her. I did want to marry her, i still do. but money is so tight and credit is unobtainable... I just couldnt get the ring yet. She says I found a way to spend money on other things. I cant argue that. I was fooled thinking that our love was all that mattered. I'm reminded of the Beyonce song "if you liked it you shoulda put a ring on it" But I always did everything I could to take care of her...she recognized that too, but I guess it wasnt enough. So...on saturday she left. she is staying at her friend Bobby's house. When she left she said "I need to leave for the weekend", but its thursday now and she isnt ready to see me. But She left all of her things at home except for a few essentials. she left her clothes, her cat, ect.. I also feel like her friend Bobby doesnt like me, because he thinks I dont like him. he thinks i dont like because he's gay. I have no problem with that...if he were straight I'd be more concerned. I just never acted friendly to him because everytime I saw him, he and my girlfriend were drunk and we would argue. So, now, I'm also afraid of her spending all this time with him staying at his house and possibly filling her head with malicious thought against me. or maybe Im being paranoid. Another key point in this scenario... She has trust issues. she has a history of cutting off those who've hurt her. she has broken up with friends, gone years at a time not talking to her mom, her dad, and her sister. she does speak with them all now, but they dont have good relationships. I also feel she has a communication problem....she harbored thought and feeling for 2 weeks before confronting them. In spite of all her issues... I love her deeply and really want her back. Do I give her space? or does she need to know what I'm thinking? Are we over? Will she come back?
Don Ho Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 (edited) Do I give her space? or does she need to know what I'm thinking? Are we over? Will she come back? Yes bro, you give her space and DO NOT contact her. Leave her stuff at your place and do not contact her about it. She needs and wants space, so give her what she wants. If she contacts you, WAIT until you post here and think before you do anything. Do not re-act and get back to her right away. NO she does not need to know what "you're thinking" at this point. That's just and excuse for contact and it will only be counter productive. Do not think that if you get a hold of her and explain, it will make it all "ok". It will only make it worse and push her further away. You have made a few mistakes and there are several issues you would need to talk about IF she contacts you and only later down the road if you start seeing each other. If she stops by "unannounced" to get her stuff. Swallow your emotions, be cordial and put on your best game face. DO NOT bring up any of the issues or your relationship!! Got it? If she brings it up, "deflect". Say something like "hey I'm late to meet "Mike" for lunch (or a drink or whatever) let's talk about that later". Do not let her rope you into a conversation. You MUST exercise self control and do not open your big mouth. If you RUSH to talk with her, you will RUSH her completely out of your life. If she continues to try to talk with you, just grab your keys say "hey I'm late, would you mind locking the door?" Then get the fck out of there!! Edited September 2, 2010 by Don Ho
Author bill858 Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 Thanks Don...thats good advice, but not easy to follow. I'll try to stay strong. I'm hoping that I will get responses on here, its a good outlet for feelings and will hopefully help me keep my distance from her and not try to share those feelings with her
Author bill858 Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 Another thing I'd like to add.... As our relationship was growing and we fell in love, as I learned about things in her life that hurt her... I swore to myself that I would never hurt her, that I would be the one person who would always do right by her and be there no matter what. But the things that caused this breakup seem to be my fault. it hurts so much because I never realized that what I was doing would hurt her, I never saw it...she says thats what hurt her so much, I didnt care enough to see it. I feel like my heart is being blamed for what my head thought. My heart was always for her and hurts so much that she thinks otherwise. It hurts me to know I'm the one that hurt her. All I want is for her to be happy, with or without me.
LostInTurn Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Another thing I'd like to add.... As our relationship was growing and we fell in love, as I learned about things in her life that hurt her... I swore to myself that I would never hurt her, that I would be the one person who would always do right by her and be there no matter what. But the things that caused this breakup seem to be my fault. it hurts so much because I never realized that what I was doing would hurt her, I never saw it...she says thats what hurt her so much, I didnt care enough to see it. I feel like my heart is being blamed for what my head thought. My heart was always for her and hurts so much that she thinks otherwise. It hurts me to know I'm the one that hurt her. All I want is for her to be happy, with or without me. Are you taking blame for things you actually did not do? It sounds like she has to work on herself and her life. I hope she's not placing blame and you're convincing yourself it was your fault.
Author bill858 Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 Are you taking blame for things you actually did not do? It sounds like she has to work on herself and her life. I hope she's not placing blame and you're convincing yourself it was your fault. I feel like i'm taking a lot of blame from her as well as myself. But yes, I agree she does have issues she needs to deal with. I do too. I just love her so much, and felt such a connection. I want to be with her so we can be there for each other to work through our problems together. I kinda feel like its my fault we broke up, and her fault we cant fix this.
Don Ho Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Thanks Don...thats good advice, but not easy to follow. I'll try to stay strong. I'm hoping that I will get responses on here, its a good outlet for feelings and will hopefully help me keep my distance from her and not try to share those feelings with her No Bro, not easy advice to follow. But that is what you MUST do and WILL do if you want any kind of shot with her. You're hoping you "will get responses on here"? What kind of responses, different advice from someone that will tell you what you want to hear: contact her, talk with her and work it all out? I would hope you're in the right forum and LS members would not steer you in that wrong direction. Quit having a pity party, going over every detail and blaming yourself for hurting her. Unfortunately love and life does hurt people, even though that was not your intention. Stop tormenting yourself with that. Bro, you need to get out, get busy and stay busy. I don't care if you take up swimming and swim 5 hours a day. Just keep busy. Stick with what I advised. Or you can do what you really want, contact her and "share your feelings" and when she calls you all kinds of names, says terrible things to you and makes you feel like you got kicked in the stomach and want to throw up, then come back here. I won't tell you "I told you so" but we will be here to support you if you make that bad decision. Stay away from her. Keep us posted.
Author bill858 Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 No Bro, not easy advice to follow. But that is what you MUST do and WILL do if you want any kind of shot with her. You're hoping you "will get responses on here"? What kind of responses, different advice from someone that will tell you what you want to hear: contact her, talk with her and work it all out? I would hope you're in the right forum and LS members would not steer you in that wrong direction.... Stay away from her. Keep us posted. Don, what I meant by "I hope I get responses" wasnt that I want someone to tell me what I want to hear...i just meant that if people post on this thread, I can talk to them, like I'm talking to you (I really appreciate your input). I think talking to other about this on here, will help me avoid talking to her. Let me ask you... as I said, for the first 3 days we texted a lot. I didnt talk to her much yesterday or today though. At the end of our last text argument, I told her she will get her space now, that I would only text her to say goodnight. Last evening she texted me "u ok?" I answered "yeah, but I miss you so much" I later texted "goodnight" like I told her i would, and she quickly responded with the same. This morning she texted me asking me to clean the litter box for the cat...I responded "of course I'm taking care of her" and she said, "well you never clean it" I didnt respond. Do I still text her to say goodnight? should I respond if she texts me? even if she's just askin if im ok? Also, she got something in the mail that looks important, from the DMV...do I text her to tell her? Thanks bro.
skydiveaddict Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 (edited) You have been given the "I need space" speech, from what I gather. (your post was so long I lost interest, all that could have been said in one much shorter paragraph). You will get alot more responses if you keep it short. Anyway, when you get the "I need space speech" you are toast. In the frienzone forever, waste no more time on her Edited September 3, 2010 by skydiveaddict
Don Ho Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Ok Bill, thanks for NOW giving us that "little" piece of info that you text goodnight every night....
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