jennie10 Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Well if any of you have read my last post then you'll know the situation. If you haven't then I'll run through a small recap... Basically after two years of being together, my boyfriend (out of the blue) broke up with me. We never argued, we were able to persue our own hobbies and interests individualy but we always did things togeather too. As I've said before, it wasn't perfect (what relationship is?) but it was very, very, close. Anyway, this was his 'reason' (it's a big vague for my liking) for ending the realtionship... "I just don't feel like I've got the energy or the heart for our relationship at the moment, and I know that sounds terrible, but you really do deserve more than what I can give you in my current state of mind. If I'd have carried on it would've been so unfair on you and I would've just ended up resenting us and forgetting all the fantastic times we had." Now my last post was more of a vent for my confused state of mind. I.e. we are still in love but not togather etc etc. But now I really don't know what to do next... It was our birthdays this week, mine Monday, his Wednesday, so we've had contact since the split. At first I was contacting him asking him why? Would he take me back? etc etc. I soon stopped that and when we've spoken via text, email and IM, it's been light hearted and fun. However after reading the posts and comments on LS I think that NC is definatly the way to go. But he keeps contacting me - should I ignore him? Tell him I want NC or reply? Not only that but his little brother, who I thought of as my brother, has contacted me saying how sorry he is about the situation and really hopes that we can remain friends. Which I would love to do. But I just don't know if it's the right thing to do... Any advice will be much appriciated
Lost Fish Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 jennie10, I would be highly suspect of his reason for breaking up with you. If I was in love with a girl I would do everything I can to maintain the relationship and stay with her. Are you sure everything was fine in the relationship? Did he grow distant or uncaring at the end? Any change in his behavior? You are right that NC is the way to go. The little brother situation is tricky - I would tread carefully because to your ex it might seem a bit stalker-ish to hear that you are talking and hanging out with his little bro. Maybe go NC with him too for at least a month or so. It's a good sign that he's trying to contact you a lot, but you might want to press him for more information if you still don't understand why he would just end things. I know I would. There is nothing wrong with asking him to help you understand. It's a tricky situation and I can imagine very tough - especially not knowing what the heck happened. Good luck and let us know what happens.
leftfield Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 For your own peace of mind I would stay NC all the way. If you really must, then just tell him very briefly that you need to time and space to move on, so you would appreciate it if he would leave you alone. But to be honest, just ignoring it is probably the way to go. It's not going to really hurt his feelings if he was the one that initiated the breakup, and so what if it does. He's hurt you! It's not about revenge of course, but still, just clear your mind of how complete NC is going to affect him (or his brother) and remember that you are doing this for you, because it's what you need to heal. You can still be friends with his little brother if you want to in the future, but that's not going to be a good idea right now anyway so don't dwell on it.
Author jennie10 Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 Thank you both for the advice - I suspected that people would tell me to NC all the way, I just needed 'reassurance' that it was the right thing to do. Are you sure everything was fine in the relationship? Did he grow distant or uncaring at the end? Any change in his behavior? I can hand on heart say that everything was fine. However, last month he started a new job and was finding it hard, he felt didn't fit in with the other workers and he wasn't even sure that it was the job he wanted to do anymore. Plus with all of the eirly mornings and long days in work he was pretty tired a lot of the time. Perhaps he needs to make decisions about his life and dosen't want our relationship to 'sway' them...?
on edge Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 do you like feeling like ****? Yes - contact him No - don't contact him. Done.
9Lives Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 This is tricky. He broke up with you but says he still loves you? That is wierd to me. Why would a job cause him to break up with you? So if he gets another stressful occurrence in his life, is he going to jump ship again? I just feel like there is more to this story. Plus everything was fine....it dont make sense. Also NC is not a GAME to get your ex back. It important you dont do this for the wrong reason cause it can make things worst. I think more than anything, you need clarification from him where you stand. Anything less than a yes or no is bullcrap. You are not the fallback girl or side chic to his life happenings. Dont let him yo yo you around. It is no fun.
missner Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 hey Jennie, I'll give you some input. First off, a good friend who had a lot of exposure in a marriage counselor work setting told me an interesting alternative to no contact, but it will vary given the circumstances. My experience (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t243933/) caused my friend to have this to say about NC in my situation: If your ex broke up with you because she felt you truly didn't love her and care about her anymore, how would not having contact help that? You want to show her that yes, you are still thinking about her. A message on relevant days (birthday, or holidays, maybe), maybe a card, but nothing too overly sensitive to scare them. I thought, hey, that makes perfect sense.. if I went along with my life like literally nothing happened, it wouldn't have any chance of sending a message to prove her wrong that I still cared. (paraphrasing) So, in your case, you have already made it obvious you still care, and the ball is in his court. His reason for breaking up is strange, but you may want to just remain friends and see if he warms up enough over time to possibly want to try things again. That has worked for me in the past, where the person eventually recalls how great times were and that they were wrong for calling it off.
missner Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Also, another thing I didn't mention: It is true that major life changes can cause feelings to go haywire for a bit. I know when I was getting ready to finally move in with my girlfriend and we were going to be independent from parents, I was kind of scattered all about with feelings I couldn't pinpoint. Another situation was my career/job stuff - I didn't bother trying to pursue my career when I got my ex back the first time, because I wanted to focus entirely on her and that, before I went with more major changes. I knew it would have been difficult to do both at once.
EthanH Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 1) is he really stressed about this job? 2) had you argued much in the time when he got the job?
Author jennie10 Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 Hey everyone - thanks for the advice. It's really making me think about a lot of things. I'm going to try and reply to you all so sorry if this is long... Lost Fish: "Are you sure everything was fine in the relationship? Did he grow distant or uncaring at the end? Any change in his behavior?" - As I mentioned in pervious posts/threads, with his job and being away from his family and friends etc he was missing them a bit and was pretty down about it. Plus with all the eirly mornings/late nights he was tired. But at no point did he stop caring, that I know for sure! "It's a good sign that he's trying to contact you a lot, but you might want to press him for more information if you still don't understand why he would just end things." - I've told him that I don't want to discuss our relationship via text/email/IM as I think it's almost disrespectful of our relationship. I think I desrve to be told face to face at some point in the furture so we can let all of the raw emotions settle down and hopefully have a calm and mature converstion about it... Good idea ? On Edge: do you like feeling like ****? Yes - contact him No - don't contact him. I know you're right! But he still has the ability to make me feel calm and safe even in this crappy situation! 9Lives: "Why would a job cause him to break up with you? So if he gets another stressful occurrence in his life, is he going to jump ship again? I just feel like there is more to this story." - I didn't think about that! Such a good point! The thing that good me is that he is normally such a laid back person who very rearly gets stressed/upset, and so that's why I also think that there is more too it, I just don't understand why he won't tell me... He's a very open person! Missner: "His reason for breaking up is strange, but you may want to just remain friends and see if he warms up enough over time to possibly want to try things again." - That's why I'm so confused - I really want to be friends because we live in the same apartment block and it's inevitable that we are going to bump into one another. That's why I'm not sure NC is a good idea... Confused much!? EthanH: "1) is he really stressed about this job? 2) had you argued much in the time when he got the job?" - 1) Yeah, he didn't feel like he fit in at work (he's from the South and his collegues are from the North of the UK). He felt like there was a social barrier between them - not caused from him but they would refere to him as the "posh boy" and "southerner" which made him feel a little isolated. Again the eirly mornings made him tired and when he would get home he would work on his internet buisness meaning he was working pretty much all day long. 2) We never argued when he got the job. Infact I was bending over backwards to help him out, e.g. cooking his dinner, tidying up, ironing his work shirts etc and he really appriciated it - taking me out for dinner, buying me little thank you presents (chocolate ). So no, we didn't argue! Sorry it's long and some of it is repeated but I wanted to reply to you all!
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