itteloc Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 My ex and I broke up a couple of months ago. She contacted me couple of times this past month and pretty much opened up to me about how much she misses me, how I was perfect for, how bad she wants to get back, how rough life has been without me, etc. She is pushing the issue very hard to get back together. She asked me if I have a g/f and I said no which is true. She asked me if I would be open to meeting up again and I figure why not I am open to it to see if anything is still there between us. The break up was pretty mutual but I am not unsure if I want to move "backwards" in life. Although part of me does miss her in ways and when things were going well they were great with us. The thing is I met another girl about a month ago. We really get along well and everything is going super smooth. We've only hung out like five times, we have plans for a mini one night vacation this weekend. I feel it's too early to talk about commitment with her though at this point. So I've just been going with the flow & having a great time with her. Now I would love to get in a LTR with her down the road but I am getting to know her more. She is definitely perfect g/f material. Everytime we hang out it's like we spend hours together and our bond grows stronger. She told me she really likes me a lot and I told her I like her a lot too. I think she hinted to me the other day that she likes the man to initiate the "exclusiveness" talk in a relationship. But I still think it's a little to early to talk about that. She invited me to go look at a few new apartments w/ her the other day so she is getting super comfortable with me and I can say the same about her. I've never asked her if she is still dating other people b/c it feels to akward and too soon for all of that but I maybe I'm wrong? Now here is my question. My ex said she went on a few dates since we broke up and nothing came out of it b/c nobody was "good" as me in her eyes. She asked me about my dating life and I said I've went on a few dates which is true. She asked if I was still talking to any of them and I dodged the question like a bullet. Last night she kept calling and texting me while I was hanging out with this new girl (phone on Silent so I was good lol!) but she starting catching "feelings" in the messages asking why am I ignoring her & not answering her, blah, blah. Basically stuff your G/F would be questioning you about which obviously she isn't anymore and that annoyed me!. After my date with the new girl was over I called her and gave her some b/s excuse and she bought it. She obviously still has major feelings for me and I don't think I feel the same way b/c of this new girl. But I'm technically still single so I'm going to meet up with her this week or next to catch up and see if any "spark" is there. I feel bad for "leading" her on and not being up front about this other girl I'm seeing. Should I keep this other girl in the dark or should I be totally honest and tell her I'm talking to somebody else too?
Author itteloc Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 Who initiated the break up? It was mutual.
lofi_tokyo Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Hmm. There's a couple ways you can go about this: -Meet up with your ex. Let her have her say. If she starts grilling you about seeing other people, tell her that the answer isn't important because you want to look at issues within the relationship the two of you have - rather than looking at outside factors. I mean, new girl or no new girl, you and your ex broke up for a reason. That stuff is going to have to be reconciled either way if you're going to get back together. -Tell your ex you're seeing someone. From there you'll be asked if you care about this girl, how long you've been seeing eachother, if you actually think it will become serious. Your ex will want to know every detail. That doesn't mean you'll need to tell her, but the questions will come up. Ultimately I think you need to ask yourself: Can you see yourself getting back together with your ex? Is that something you want? The new girl (by the sounds of it) is starting to get her hopes up about someday being exclusive with you. If you're still hung up on her ex, it's not entirely fair to be leading her on (although you're not exclusive yet... so I mean, you're not really leading her on... she may feel that way though). Once you better figure out what you want out of this situation, the answer to your question may become more clear.
phineas Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 It was mutual. I don't believe there is such a thing as a mutual break up. What I do believe in is someone starts checking out & the other doesn't really care so both people amicably go their seperate ways.
lofi_tokyo Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I don't believe there is such a thing as a mutual break up. What I do believe in is someone starts checking out & the other doesn't really care so both people amicably go their seperate ways. Here here!
Author itteloc Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 I don't believe there is such a thing as a mutual break up. What I do believe in is someone starts checking out & the other doesn't really care so both people amicably go their seperate ways. You very well could right about that... Everything was going smooth and we got into a huge fight and neither off us were budging on our opinions and blamed the other.. so we split
Hop_prophet Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I get the sense you previous relationship wasn't all that great and two months really isn't enough time to evaluate without emotions clouding your judgment. I think at least one of you and maybe all three will get hurt if you continue in this manner. The new girl seems really in to you. I know you haven't committed to her, but why would you keep her in the dark? Seems like it is for selfish reasons. My advice is to stay away from the ex. I don't see this heading anywhere but trouble. You are already lying to both of them and the behavior will only escalate as you try to juggle both of them.
Author itteloc Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 I get the sense you previous relationship wasn't all that great and two months really isn't enough time to evaluate without emotions clouding your judgment. I think at least one of you and maybe all three will get hurt if you continue in this manner. The new girl seems really in to you. I know you haven't committed to her, but why would you keep her in the dark? Seems like it is for selfish reasons. My advice is to stay away from the ex. I don't see this heading anywhere but trouble. You are already lying to both of them and the behavior will only escalate as you try to juggle both of them. The way I look at it is if things don't work out with this new girl I'll have the ex to fall back on. If you where me would you tell the ex about the new girl and put it all in the open or not? There is no way I'm telling the new girl about my ex b/c that is too weird and really none of her business. She can be dating other people right now for all I know too since we have no titles.
Hop_prophet Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 True, I'm sure she has her backup options as well. I would be more direct than you though and I think it is best to be honest with both of them, but suit yourself. You aren't doing anything wrong so why are you hiding things? Because you want to string one along while you use another as a "back-up" plan. If they find out, it sucks to be you. Should I keep this other girl in the dark or should I be totally honest and tell her I'm talking to somebody else too? There is no way I'm telling the new girl about my ex b/c that is too weird and really none of her business. Seriously, why ask for advice if you already have your mind made up?
Author itteloc Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 True, I'm sure she has her backup options as well. I would be more direct than you though and I think it is best to be honest with both of them, but suit yourself. You aren't doing anything wrong so why are you hiding things? Because you want to string one along while you use another as a "back-up" plan. If they find out, it sucks to be you. Seriously, why ask for advice if you already have your mind made up? I have my mind made up about not telling the girl about my ex. Why would I do that? But I was asking for advice about telling my ex about the new girl.
Hop_prophet Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Ok, I misunderstood. I thought the "other girl" was the new one. Well you can either A) Lie to her - very bad if you are genuinely interested in getting back together (or not hurting her). This is just conflict avoidance and kind of cowardly. Be prepared for drama if you do this. B) Be evasive and plead the fifth, which is okay. She isn't really entitled to know anything about your personal life since you are broken up. She will for damn sure try to drag it out of you though and you may end up lying anyway to shut her up. C) Tell her you have nothing to hide and that you may be/are seeing other people. I think this is best and honestly it will probably increase her interest level in you even more after the initial upset. You don't have to go into details. It's good that you are taking things slow with the new girl and there is no harm done there since you aren't exclusive and she doesn't appear to be asking anything yet. If you drag the ex back in though she might get blindsided and resent you for it.
InceptorsRule Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 OP what you really need to do is make a decision and try to stick with it. If you want to try to rejuvenate your relationship with your ex, then focus on that, and forget about starting a new relationship until you have fully resolved things with your ex. If you want to try to initiate a new relationship with this new girl, then you'd be well advised to completely cut things off with your ex, and close that door completely. Your ex is trying to keep her claws in you and this is going to impair your ability to effectively become involved in a new relationship. Finally, no, your ex is not entitled to know about other people you might be dating. She is your "ex" not your momma.
Author itteloc Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 Ok, I misunderstood. I thought the "other girl" was the new one. Well you can either A) Lie to her - very bad if you are genuinely interested in getting back together (or not hurting her). This is just conflict avoidance and kind of cowardly. Be prepared for drama if you do this. B) Be evasive and plead the fifth, which is okay. She isn't really entitled to know anything about your personal life since you are broken up. She will for damn sure try to drag it out of you though and you may end up lying anyway to shut her up. C) Tell her you have nothing to hide and that you may be/are seeing other people. I think this is best and honestly it will probably increase her interest level in you even more after the initial upset. You don't have to go into details. It's good that you are taking things slow with the new girl and there is no harm done there since you aren't exclusive and she doesn't appear to be asking anything yet. If you drag the ex back in though she might get blindsided and resent you for it. Thanks so much hopprophet! This is great advice. I'm going to mix B and C together. I'm going to be very evasise but tell I am "dating" like any normal single person but will try to avoid details...we actually may meet up in a few hours lol...wish me luck!
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