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The people who are hardest to love are those who need to be loved the most

Dan Kohn

By Dan Kohn
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Dan Kohn Member

Dan Kohn

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My ex girlfriend of 1.5 years dumped me 3 months ago. I went to Thailand to pursue my PhD with the expectation that she would move there a couple of months after I got there.

 

Instead, she 'fell in love' with a guy two weeks after I left and broke up with me. I made all of the classic mistakes including begging, crying, etc...then got suicidal and actually cut my wrist.

 

When my ex found out, she told me I should have 'cut with the vein, not across it, gladiator style and ended it'...and then she laughed in my face and initiated NC for about 8 weeks. She didn't respond to any of my phone calls, texts, emails, etc...

 

One day she was completely in love with me, the next I was the worst thing that had ever happened to her and she was 100 times happier that I was out of her life.

 

I returned home to the U.S. to have my depression treated and be with my family.

 

Well two weeks ago she contacted me about some things I had to move out of our old apartment. I asked to talk to her on the phone, and she said she still loves me, cares about me, misses me, but will never date me again. She said she was unhappy about the level of animosity between us and the NC. She said she wanted us to be on friendly terms and that 'she was opening the door for communication, if I ever need someone to talk to, she'd be there for me...'

 

Anyways, I told her I can't ever talk to her again unless she wants to have a relationship with me, and then I initiated NC, and haven't broken it for 14 days.

 

In therapy I've discovered that she was extremely emotionally abusive to me for the entire duration of the relationship. In about a year and a half, she dumped me about 8 times. She belittled my love and cut me down constantly (yet underhandedly). She focused on all of my faults, and when I'd fix them, she'd dump me again. Nothing I can do will ever please her.

 

And every single memory of her makes me want to hurt myself.

 

My question is, what can I do to love her without being with her, and without hurting myself?

 

She needs love more than anyone I know...I know she's suffering, no matter what she tells me.

 

I know I can't be friends with her and I know I can't be in contact with her...

 

Yet, she's the only thing in my life that I have been 100% I love...

 

She's still with her new bf and I truly want her to be happy.

 

What can I do to love her, without destroying myself emotionally and without rewarding her for her bad behavior?

leftfield Established Member

leftfield

Posted
Posted

You need to start loving yourself a bit more dude. Why do you want to give it all to someone that emotionally abused you. I know you obviously have some issues that you are trying to get sorted out, this is good, but along with that you need to ditch this "she needs love more than anyone I know" crap. She's getting love already, from someone else. She doesn't need or want your love any more. She didn't appreciate when she had it right then in front of her!

 

You did the right thing initiating NC, now follow it through by not even considering any of these things about giving her your love without hurting yourself. You are hurting yourself now by trying to do something that is utterly futile.

 

You sound like someone in a pretty fragile emotional state, so focus on making yourself happy, not her. It doesn't sound as though she deserves anything from you. She is still controlling you now just with the mere memory of her.

 

Give yourself a break and move on. Yes, it's hard, yes you will still think about her, pine over her etc. but man, remember what she did to you! She was a b*tch remember? You will continue to hurt yourself emotionally until you accept this and stop with this idea of giving her a magical distant love that she clearly does not deserve.

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Dan Kohn Member

Dan Kohn

Posted
  • Author
Posted

See above: those that need love the most are those that DON'T DESERVE IT

leftfield Established Member

leftfield

Posted
Posted (edited)
See above: those that need love the most are those that DON'T DESERVE IT

 

Even if that were true, you cannot give this woman your love, she doesn't want it or need it from you. You need to give some of this love to yourself, you really do need it. How do you intend to send this love to her anyway, email? carrier pigeon? Seriously man, please, please, please do yourself a favour and let this thing go.

 

You are not going to get anything out of this self-inflicted torture. You can't give love to someone that is not in your life. All you can do is hold onto this torturous unrequited love you have for her, if that's what it is, but neither her nor you get anything out of that. Actually no, you do get something - more pain, more s***.

Edited by leftfield
typo
BigProc Established Member

BigProc

Posted
Posted

When my ex found out, she told me I should have 'cut with the vein, not across it, gladiator style and ended it'...and then she laughed in my face and initiated NC for about 8 weeks. She didn't respond to any of my phone calls, texts, emails, etc...

 

This is probably one of the worst things i have read on here, it disgusting. I would initiate nc straight away. You do not deserve this bitch.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

Why one earth would you do this over a woman? You should be glad she is out of your life. Forget her.

Cee Established Member

Cee

Posted
Posted

The best way to send love to one person is to invest love in the world.

 

Not one person is deserving of more love than another. And if you had to pick one person to shower love on who needed it, it wouldn't be your ex. There are millions of people in the world who are lonely, starving and dying from diseases, why can't you love them?

 

I think of this question in a spiritual way. We are all connected and that if you care about yourself, your family, and your friends that loving energy will have a ripple effect.

 

I know this sounds new agey and "woo woo," but think about it. If you create love in your life, it will be passed on among people. Just like if you kicked a cat, that negative energy would be passed along as well.

 

Once you heal from the abuse, then you'll be ready to love yourself and others. Good luck in your process.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

Also what makes her more worthy of love than a woman with her head screwed on straight who is actually a decent person? If you ask me a woman like that deserves love more than a headcase who treats men like garbage because good people these days often are not rewarded.

Simon Attwood Established Member

Simon Attwood

Posted
Posted

You're right, she needs love.

 

but not love like the kind of love that is reciprocated. The love she needs, she needs like a vampire needs blood, like a 40 a day person needs cigarettes, like an alcoholic needs a bottle of whisky, like a junky needs heroine. It's a hunger that needs constant feeding, a hunger that will never be satisfied and will drain you dry until you are a hollow lifeless husk.

 

like locusts would strip a field of life, she will strip you of your life and then just move on to the next feeding area.

newdawn Member

newdawn

Posted
Posted

she's a narcissist - sorry you met her. you can't have a relationship with a narcissist, impossible, it's all about them. sorry.

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