robaday Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I've just opened a whole pandora's box and feel a combination of guilt, confusion and self disgust. I broke up with my gf five months ago, it wasn't mutual and I hurt her badly. The reasons were we were going in different directions-her wanting to make things more serious, me missing my independence. In addition, Im severely commitment phobic, she was severely clingy-a recipe for disaster. That being said we had great times together, we looked great together, had the same interests, values and had unreal chemistry-if we saw each other we just wanted to rip each others clothes off. Anyways we've had sporadic contact since, me apologizing for way I handled things. Come two weeks ago, I was drunk and she was online, it was like 6 am, she asked me to come round cause she had loads of booze in her house and her mates had gone home. I didnt need much persuasion-Id been out all night so wasn't exactly sober at that time. My memories hazy but we had sex, long, passionate, unreal sex. It carried on until next day. Since the break-up Ive realized the single life hasn't actually been the world of paradise Id dreamt of. Im lonely, and Ive realized Im a little over the party scene id missed, Im a little over one night stands with random women, and I miss her companionship, I miss the laughs, the lazy weekends and the chemistry which Ive not found with anyone else since. Neither of us has moved on at all. I dont want to hurt her again and realize Ive just opened a door Id sworn to myself Id always keep shut. Whilst we were both very very drunk it was clear to me that we both still had strong feelings for each other. If I am unsure about what I want at this stage should I simply keep the door shut? Do dumpers have to be 100% sure that they want to make things work to return? Id be scared the same problems would arise again-the repeated phone calls, the arguments and the guilt trips, it was full of drama. What do I know? I know I care about her immensely. I know I am highly attracted to her and have not seen anyone else that compares since. I know that I miss her as a friend, and I know that very few women have the same values as me. But is this enough?
Gironbachs Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I've done it, recently - and let me tell you it's a BAD idea. Because, if you aren't TOTALLY committed to the relationship.. the next morning she is going to want answers, and you look like you're playing with her head. Don't do it.
Arabella Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I've done it, recently - and let me tell you it's a BAD idea. Because, if you aren't TOTALLY committed to the relationship.. the next morning she is going to want answers, and you look like you're playing with her head. Don't do it. Sounds like he already has.... OP, sounds like you really want this girl and regret leaving her, don't you? If you're scared that things are going to be the same again, talk to her about the reasons why you felt the need to break up. Explain to her what you need, so that she knows. Then, you can give it a shot again and see if things improve. If not, you can always break up again, but at least you will have given it a real shot. Arabella
on edge Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 can be fun, but is usually messy. i avoid it. next time, just handle it yourself.
Author robaday Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 Well, we've met up a few times since (4-5 times), things going well, enjoying each others company, very comfortable in each others presence. When I last saw her we were walking on eggshells in each others presence, and both thought the other was cheating. I was in counselling for depression and commitment phobia, she was becoming claustrophibically clingy. I told her I don't regret breaking up with her. It had to be done. Things had turned toxic. I told her if they started going that way again I'd walk again. She agreed, and said she agreed with the break-up at the time. This time though there is a lot in our favor. I am on a better salary, am fitter physically and mentally, and my job is no-where near as stressful. she on the other hand is no longer living with her parents and is finally working and discovering her independence,-she was WAY too dependent on me in the past. For now, I think we are both enjoying each others company and appreciating each other and that's how I'd like it to stay. I didn't enjoy the drama at all, but underneath it I think we had amazing chemistry. Now some of the contributing factors (depression on my part, unemployment on hers, lack of indepence on her part) are out of the way, we may have a chance.
Author robaday Posted September 22, 2010 Author Posted September 22, 2010 When you and your ex split did you really think of it as you were over forever? I knew it was over and had to be over at that time. I still know I made the right choice breaking up with her. If that meant losing her for good then so be it, I was prepared to take that risk. We argued ALL the time, I was losing sleep, had lost an awful amount of weight, drinking every night, was deperessed, working 70+ hours a week-an argument on the weekend would impact the following week at work. She was nagging me, guilt tripping me and smothering me. I realized I could live without it, and my priorities then were to save my job, and my sanity. I made a decision I felt was best for both of us at the time-I knew she loved me, but the reality was it was damaging both of us-it was toxic. What made you come back round? It was a combination of things. One, she left me alone completely-no contact. Two, I realized a huge number of things I did which contributed to us breaking up, which I had control over and could have done better at-at the time I blamed it all on her. Three after talking to her I realized that we never communicated well-one of the reasons I broke up with her (over an argument) was actually a misunderstanding. Four, I got my own life sorted out-a better job, with less hours and more pay. Five, a lot of the problems we faced were due to her lack of independence-these are unlikely to rise again, 6) I realized that chemistry like that is hard to find, and I missed her Do you think pride come in the way? Yeah it did. Not because I didn't want to reach out, but I thought it was for the best we let things go. I'd hurt her enough, and didn't think any good could come out of contact. Most posters on here say that dumpers only reach out for an ego boost. That may be true on some levels but if you are in a serious relationship with someone you still care about them immensely and still miss them. I was hurt after the break-up, and was hurting badly myself. I knew I had to heal as well before we could speak again and without my mind clouded with drama-sometimes a break is really for the best, especially if things had turned toxic, it gives both people the chance to reflect on what is going wrong. If two fully grown adults are screaming at each other every weekend and both parties self esteem is suffering you have to stop it for the greater good. I sometimes wonder if the chemistry and arguments are linked. Ive never had such an active sex life, nor have I ever had so many arguments!
flow15 Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 When you and your ex split did you really think of it as you were over forever? I knew it was over and had to be over at that time. I still know I made the right choice breaking up with her. If that meant losing her for good then so be it, I was prepared to take that risk. We argued ALL the time, I was losing sleep, had lost an awful amount of weight, drinking every night, was deperessed, working 70+ hours a week-an argument on the weekend would impact the following week at work. She was nagging me, guilt tripping me and smothering me. I realized I could live without it, and my priorities then were to save my job, and my sanity. I made a decision I felt was best for both of us at the time-I knew she loved me, but the reality was it was damaging both of us-it was toxic. What made you come back round? It was a combination of things. One, she left me alone completely-no contact. Two, I realized a huge number of things I did which contributed to us breaking up, which I had control over and could have done better at-at the time I blamed it all on her. Three after talking to her I realized that we never communicated well-one of the reasons I broke up with her (over an argument) was actually a misunderstanding. Four, I got my own life sorted out-a better job, with less hours and more pay. Five, a lot of the problems we faced were due to her lack of independence-these are unlikely to rise again, 6) I realized that chemistry like that is hard to find, and I missed her Do you think pride come in the way? Yeah it did. Not because I didn't want to reach out, but I thought it was for the best we let things go. I'd hurt her enough, and didn't think any good could come out of contact. Most posters on here say that dumpers only reach out for an ego boost. That may be true on some levels but if you are in a serious relationship with someone you still care about them immensely and still miss them. I was hurt after the break-up, and was hurting badly myself. I knew I had to heal as well before we could speak again and without my mind clouded with drama-sometimes a break is really for the best, especially if things had turned toxic, it gives both people the chance to reflect on what is going wrong. If two fully grown adults are screaming at each other every weekend and both parties self esteem is suffering you have to stop it for the greater good. I sometimes wonder if the chemistry and arguments are linked. Ive never had such an active sex life, nor have I ever had so many arguments! So did you ask for her back? Or did she ask you back? Do you still argue now? How are things working now? I know exactly what you mean, my ex and I used to argue so much yet the sexual chemistry was sooo amazing, neither of us have experienced that before either!
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