Snowflower Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Hi gang, I'm not sure if infidelity is the best place to put this thread but since most of my LS friends are here, well here it is! And yes, infidelity was a part of what has happened. I don't wish to post on the separation/divorce forum. Nothing against the folks there, I just don't feel comfortable posting in that section. In a nutshell, H and I are separating next week when he moves out of state to take a new job. It is by (mostly) mutual agreement that we are doing this although he decided to take the job regardless of the impact on our marriage. As most of you know, H had an A 2 years ago. We were reconciling well as I have posted here many times but the "baggage" in our relationship has proved to be too much to overcome it seems. I believe we would have overcome his A in time but the problems in our relationship were apparently too deeply rooted. If it comes to divorce (which is likely), I will not cite the affair as the cause of the demise of our marriage. But I can say that it greatly complicated things and added unnecessary, painful baggage to our lives. Anyone who is contemplating an affair because they consider their marriage "over", please don't do it. You never know if you might change your mind later and then the damage is done. Before any of you ask, no, he has not resumed the A. The A was a symptom of bigger problems in our marriage, that was all. And if I'm wrong and he has resumed the A or started a new one, well then that would make it all that much easier for me to come to terms with this. I would never have been able to forgive another affair. So any of you out there who have been in this situation after an affair, please let me know. I would like to know that there is sunshine after all these clouds.
bentnotbroken Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Sunshine and blue skies:)....after you get through the rain. Keep an umbrella handy, your rain boots near and plenty of dove dark chocolate for those days when absolutely nothing else will do.
Distant78 Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Hi gang, I'm not sure if infidelity is the best place to put this thread but since most of my LS friends are here, well here it is! And yes, infidelity was a part of what has happened. I don't wish to post on the separation/divorce forum. Nothing against the folks there, I just don't feel comfortable posting in that section. In a nutshell, H and I are separating next week when he moves out of state to take a new job. It is by (mostly) mutual agreement that we are doing this although he decided to take the job regardless of the impact on our marriage. As most of you know, H had an A 2 years ago. We were reconciling well as I have posted here many times but the "baggage" in our relationship has proved to be too much to overcome it seems. I believe we would have overcome his A in time but the problems in our relationship were apparently too deeply rooted. If it comes to divorce (which is likely), I will not cite the affair as the cause of the demise of our marriage. But I can say that it greatly complicated things and added unnecessary, painful baggage to our lives. Anyone who is contemplating an affair because they consider their marriage "over", please don't do it. You never know if you might change your mind later and then the damage is done. Before any of you ask, no, he has not resumed the A. The A was a symptom of bigger problems in our marriage, that was all. And if I'm wrong and he has resumed the A or started a new one, well then that would make it all that much easier for me to come to terms with this. I would never have been able to forgive another affair. So any of you out there who have been in this situation after an affair, please let me know. I would like to know that there is sunshine after all these clouds. First off, just want to say i'm sorry you're going through this. Its okay if you believed that your marriage was worth saving. You loved your husband. That's part of life. You know the summary of my story and i've made it to the tunnel of light. You can also.
Spark1111 Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 oh, snow......... (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) I would NEVER tell you I told you so! You tried so hard to overcome the issues. You had long ago forgiven the affair, so I know it would never be the deciding factor in whether you decided to successfully rebuild or end the marriage. You are sweet and kind and generous to a fault. You really loved this man, warts and all. You put your heart and soul into him, your family, your marriage. Remember, it takes two. Always did. Always will. His affair was a symptom of what is ailing within him and not a result of your devotion and love. If he can't, won't fix it, you can't fix it for him. And a new job, new state and even, god forbid, a new woman, will not fix it either, not long term. Because at the end of the day, those are all diversions from wherever yo go, there you still are. Please remember that! I wish you peace during this transition.
Author Snowflower Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 Thanks for the kind wishes, all of you. I'm trying to keep busy and away from the house as much as possible until he moves. Spark, what you said is right. I know this. I'm certainly not perfect but I worked hard to address my own shortcomings and I thought (up until recently) that he did too. I think he will regret his decision but it might be too late. This is the second time he has done this kind of thing to me where he rather suddenly changes his mind about our marriage: the first time was the affair and now this is the second time. I'm just sad.
crazycatlady Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 SF - I'm so sorry. And its alright to be sad at the ending of a stage of your life. Hang tight.... CCL
pollyanna22 Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I'm so sorry you are going through this. As I was reading your post my eyes teared up, I've posted before here, it has been two years since I found out about my H's affair/affairs, and we are still working on it. I almost envy you in some way, I wish I could find the strength to move on too..the baggage is so heavy it's suffocating, but I can't find the will or strength to leave, because we still love eachother, someday I may..Hope all is well with you , hang in there you are obviously a sstrong perosn, and you will finally be at peace with it all
freestyle Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I'm so sorry, Snowflower..........(((((((hugs)))))))) Words fail me right now, but my heart goes out to you.
Iconoclast Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Well you tried. That's valuable. Takes a big what if off the table going forward.
turnstone Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 You will be in a better place. It may not feel it, but time really is the best healer. As Iconoclast says, you tried and that deserves huge kudos from one who didn't.
seren Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Snowflower, I am so very sorry that things haven't worked out and that you are hurting. I hope you have RL support to help you through what's ahead. it can often be easier to write something down than to say it aloud, so I hope you continue to post. The end of a marriage is always sad, especially after it has weathered storms. I hope you are taking care of your self. Seren x
jennie-jennie Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Snowflower, I won't tell you I told you so, because I honestly thought your marriage was one of the ones making it. So sorry to hear that is not the case. Take care!
SidLyon Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Snowflower, I'm so terribly sad to hear this. I don't know what to say. You tried so hard to get to a good place in your marriage together, and the fact that it hasn't worked is not your fault. Affairs just suck and are an utterly despicable course of action to take. Take care and keep posting if you can. Sid
Silly_Girl Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 SF, I've not been on LS for very long but I love your posts and you come across as insightful and thoughtful and warm. I'm very sorry to hear your news and hope you have peace in your heart very soon.
JustJoe Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Baby, It will get better........, promise! You are an intelligent, beautiful Lady and will come out of this, with wisdom and hope. All of my best to you.!!
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Many hugs to you Snowflower. Sorry for what your going through at this point. I really give you MUCH credit for even posting this as like your title states..Go Ahead, Tell Me you told me so...as you know all BS's on here back you up 100 percent! Most won't see that the affair had nothing to do with it...but thats their problem and insecurities to deal with. It takes a lot to post on an infedelity forum like this especially when you decide to work on your M...as opposed to the advise of leave him and he'll do it again that we hear over and over. I wish you the best of luck..whether thats being a divorced, single or still married woman! Unfortunately for your H...he still needs a lot of working out to do on his own self. Keep that chin up!
silktricks Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Snow, I am so incredibly sorry to hear this. There is light at the end of the tunnel and sunshine after the clouds, though. I've been married twice, the first (obviously ) ended in divorce after his infidelity and then an attempt at reconciliation. It was only a matter of months after our divorce that I realized just how much happier I actually was without him. He came back three times attempting to reconcile again (after the divorce was final), by that time I could honestly say that I was ever so much happier alone then I had ever been with him in my life. (Well, one of the times he came back was after I was remarried.... so I wasn't alone at that point.) I know you put a tremendous amount of energy into working out the problems in your marriage. Whatever you do, don't look on that as a waste of either time or energy (or both). Look on it as an investment in life - your life - and your emotional health. You learned a bunch about yourself and life - and you found LS But you'll always carry with you everything you have learned, as well as the knowledge that you have done your very best (and sometimes just knowing that you did everything in your power to do is the most important take away of all.) I send you (((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))) and best wishes for a happy happy future.
Spark1111 Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Thanks for the kind wishes, all of you. I'm trying to keep busy and away from the house as much as possible until he moves. Spark, what you said is right. I know this. I'm certainly not perfect but I worked hard to address my own shortcomings and I thought (up until recently) that he did too. I think he will regret his decision but it might be too late. This is the second time he has done this kind of thing to me where he rather suddenly changes his mind about our marriage: the first time was the affair and now this is the second time. I'm just sad. Surround yourself with a support system. Stay strong. Stay busy. Stay as positive as you possibly can be. In time you will know if one true thing: Are you better with him? Or without him? Only time will tell. Hugs!
Author Snowflower Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 Don't have a lot of time to write at the moment but I wanted to thank you all for everything that you are saying. You guys are all correct and my friends IRL are saying the same thing. I'm just sad. Why wasn't I enough for him? I'll be back later to address the posts here specifically. Thanks guys!
ladydesigner Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 (edited) Just wanted to say I'm sorry. You have always been such a wise and kind poster to both BS's and OW on this board and to me:). You have offered so much of your wisdom. I know you will find the happiness and peace that you so deserve. (((Snowflower))) I have often felt that I wasn't enough for my H as well. They are just too damned blind to see it. Arrghh. Hang in there sweetie no matter what you decide. Edited September 2, 2010 by ladydesigner
Hazyhead Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I'm so incredibly sorry, Snowflower. Your grace and common decency has been such a blessing to all of us here that I too hope you keep posting. I hope you find your peace.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 So any of you out there who have been in this situation after an affair, please let me know. I would like to know that there is sunshine after all these clouds. I was in your situation. sunshine after an affair? depends on who you are and what you are willing to put up with. I wasn't willing to settle for a woman that couldn't be trusted and had her fun outside the marriage. So I divorced her. IMO, I won't best anyone that stays, but nobody can tell me that the BS isn't triggered once in a while by what their cheating spouse did. and really, what kind of life is that? I didn't want it....it all depends on what you are willing to put up with.
Author Snowflower Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 Snow, I am so incredibly sorry to hear this. There is light at the end of the tunnel and sunshine after the clouds, though. I've been married twice, the first (obviously ) ended in divorce after his infidelity and then an attempt at reconciliation. It was only a matter of months after our divorce that I realized just how much happier I actually was without him. He came back three times attempting to reconcile again (after the divorce was final), by that time I could honestly say that I was ever so much happier alone then I had ever been with him in my life. (Well, one of the times he came back was after I was remarried.... so I wasn't alone at that point.) I know you put a tremendous amount of energy into working out the problems in your marriage. Whatever you do, don't look on that as a waste of either time or energy (or both). Look on it as an investment in life - your life - and your emotional health. You learned a bunch about yourself and life - and you found LS But you'll always carry with you everything you have learned, as well as the knowledge that you have done your very best (and sometimes just knowing that you did everything in your power to do is the most important take away of all.) I send you (((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))) and best wishes for a happy happy future. SK, thanks for your kind words. I'm trying not to feel like I wasted 2 years of my life trying to fix him and my marriage. I did learn a lot about myself, relationships, and life itself. I know I did everything in my power to save my marriage, and oddly enough, that gives me comfort. It's weird. I think he will regret his decision to leave and he will be like your XH, who tries to come back and reconcile when it is too late. It seems like such a waste.
Author Snowflower Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 I have often felt that I wasn't enough for my H as well. They are just too damned blind to see it. Arrghh. Hang in there sweetie no matter what you decide. Glad that someone else understands. It sounds crazy to me sometimes!
Author Snowflower Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 I'm so incredibly sorry, Snowflower. Your grace and common decency has been such a blessing to all of us here that I too hope you keep posting. I hope you find your peace. Thank you to all of you for kinds words such as these! I plan to keep posting, whenever I have something I can contribute. FTR, I will always believe that a marriage can recover and be better after infidelity. It takes a special couple, but it can be done.
Recommended Posts