mizundastud Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 (edited) Me and my ex have been broken up for about 20 months now. After almost two years of depression, confusion, regrets, and hatred we are now in the talks of getting back together. So much has happened during this time such as he moved on to another relationship and had a child with this woman which caused me so much hurt and pain because of the infidelity that I suspected during our relationship turned out to be true. Well we've been on and off for 4 years but this time it seemed that we were really through and I needed to find a way to move on. Even though just a couple months ago I accepted the fact it was over I still wasn't over him. We'll to my surprise he is no longer in a relationship and wants to try and work things out. Some of his claims are: - he tried to get over me but his heart isn't content with anyone else - most of his memories from his adult life include me - I've known him at his worst and at his best - he cant do it without me - he wants and feels we can be a success I'm undecided about the whole thing not because I don't love him and don't want to be with him, but because I'm afraid of getting hurt by him again because it seems with each breakup I fall deeper into depression. If anyone has been through a hard breakup and reconciled, please give me your input all advice is appreciated....Thanks. Edited September 1, 2010 by mizundastud
Wilie Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Here is my story if it helps you, i would say to you that it does take work. We are headed to our first MC session this Saturday, and i am feeling great about things. It is really a personal journey what your asking,.. but i would ask myself, does the potential gain if successful outweight the potential hurt if unsuccessful, and you will have your answer. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t239188/ regards, Willie
Author mizundastud Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 Here is my story if it helps you, i would say to you that it does take work. We are headed to our first MC session this Saturday, and i am feeling great about things. It is really a personal journey what your asking,.. but i would ask myself, does the potential gain if successful outweight the potential hurt if unsuccessful, and you will have your answer. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t239188/ regards, Willie Thanks Willie, I know its a personal journey to figure out whats best for me. I'm just confused because when with him I feel like this is where I belong his careless actions just makes me so unhappy and I feel like maybe our time has run out. However I have tried to move on and no one else makes me feel that sense of completeness or comfort. Even though he tells me he wants to reconcile, he still isn't as attentive to me and our relationship as he use to be. Anyways glad things our going well on your end.
Cee Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Your ex sounds like a trainwreck to me bouncing back and forth between women. He cheated on you, got another woman pregnant who had his child, and wants you back. Also, by your own admission, he isn't that attentive to you now. This man has made his bed and it's time for him to lie in it. He doesn't deserve backrubs and kisses from you when he screwed your life up, the other woman's life, and now his newborn child. Run, honey. There are other men out there. Don't sell yourself short.
Lemontang Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I'm with Cee on this. Sounds like he has a bit of growing up still to do. I mean he's now left this other woman and his kid. Will he still be in contact with the child? and if so that also means he'll be in constant contact with this other woman as well, especially for the next 16-18 years. Given the circumstances do you really want the daily reminder of that? One thing you need to keep intact is your self respect and if all the alarm bells are saying no, then it's normally the right choice. Sit down draw a line down the middle of a page and write a list of the pro's and cons of getting back together, sure it sounds methodical, but it will also put a few things in perspective for you so you know what your getting yourself back into, or if you should start a 'fresh' with someone else who hasn't wronged you repeatedly and won't remind you of the extra baggage that's now likely to follow if you decide to get back together.
Author mizundastud Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 Cee and Lemon, From the surface I agree with you both. But to be honest I'm not truly over him. I know he put everyone including me, himself, the baby and the other woman in a whole big mess with his selfish actions. But this is a person who I felt was my soul mate and was left without any closure from that relationship. And even if I come to the conclusion that I cant handle situation because of our past I want to move on completely with closure not feeling left hanging as I've been feeling for past almost 2 yrs. I have tried just telling myself "he's a jerk, dont waste my time, its other people, I can do better but none seems to work". However, I am going to take your advice (Lemon) and write out the pros and cons of this situation. Thanks
Lemontang Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I hate to say this, but sometimes you never will given closure and have to close it yourself, that's just a fact. I've had some great relationships and had closure on them all bar one, and yes it took me awhile to accept the fact that despite I wanted and asked for closure, that person was never going to give it to me. But I made the choice to accept that that was how it was going to be and moved on. Do I still think about getting closure? Sure almost everyday, but I also look at how much I've progressed, grown and moved on since making that choice to find my own closure instead, that I really don't need it anymore from that other person. I really hope you make the right choice for yourself. LT
Don Ho Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Your ex sounds like a trainwreck to me bouncing back and forth between women. He cheated on you, got another woman pregnant who had his child, and wants you back. Also, by your own admission, he isn't that attentive to you now. This man has made his bed and it's time for him to lie in it. He doesn't deserve backrubs and kisses from you when he screwed your life up, the other woman's life, and now his newborn child. Run, honey. There are other men out there. Don't sell yourself short. I have to agree with Cee and Lemon on their advice. You're like the woman that is on Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura and tells the Dr. that her boyfriend / S.O. / husband hit her or beat her. When asked when she stays, she says "Because I love him". Does that sound crazy to you? So you're going to take a guy back that cheated on you and had a child with another woman? Now that sounds crazy. Love is a choice, you can help who you love and who you do not. If you don't control your life and your feelings, then who does? The Wizard of Oz? So when I hear women that want to stay with abusive or cheating or lying or no good because "they love him". It makes me want to puke. Who CARES what he wants or how he feels about you? It's about how you feel about him. And that feeling better not be "love" it better be a feeling of what a lying, cheating, mixed up guy he is. Move on. Next!
LoveTNT Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Your ex sounds like a trainwreck to me bouncing back and forth between women. He cheated on you, got another woman pregnant who had his child, and wants you back. Also, by your own admission, he isn't that attentive to you now. This man has made his bed and it's time for him to lie in it. He doesn't deserve backrubs and kisses from you when he screwed your life up, the other woman's life, and now his newborn child. Run, honey. There are other men out there. Don't sell yourself short. I second that, run. Love and respect yourself first!
TaraMaiden Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 So...and it's just a question.... What will you do the next time he runs off and makes another woman pregnant, and hurts you all over again? Because you know, just because he did it the once, there's no guarantee that reeling you back in like a sucker, will prevent him doing it again. he has a child. By another woman. A legal and binding obligation he will be financially putting into for the rest of the child's days....an emotional input he will be contributing to for the remainder of his. That's one you're talking about. What if he then gets more? Your happiness is not dependent on this guy. Your situation doesn't smack of genuine love. it has a smattering of neediness, desperation and the desire to be wanted. But that's all a façade for dependency. Find someone who wants you for you, 100% and only you.... because this guy ain't the one to make you feel that way.
Quest Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I know a guy who dated and married a woman who he then had two children by. So far, so straightforward. But he already had a 'history'. He was pretty mean to me when we dated (which was why it ended) flirting with other women, being rude etc. He'd also had an affair when living with his previous and first long-term girlfriend. So what happened with the marriage? Well, he left his wife and went to live somewhere else, met another woman, had a kid with her and then decided to go back to his wife. She then had a third child by him ... and he left again and went abroad, never to be heard of again, except that he'd met yet another woman who he's probably had more children with. OK, so that's him and not your guy but I do think someone who can behave that badly once is capable of doing it again. And it doesn't sound as if he's doing anything to sort himself out, just going from one situation to another and acting on his impulses. He's putting himself first and if you have him back isn't it sending out the message you'll take him back whatever? Just my thoughts. But I wish you well and hope you look after yourself.
Don Ho Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Amen. Listen to the choir Miz and save yourself a lot of heartache and torment. Move on.
Author mizundastud Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 WOW.......you guys are really making me feel crazy for even considering the whole thing. The funny thing is I know what your saying is correct. My mind and heart is just in a tug of war right now.
TaraMaiden Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Mind = Rational logic. heart = Volatile emotion. You can love with your mind, but you can never think with your heart. Out of the two, focus and bet on the former. The latter will only land you into more trouble.
Quest Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 WOW.......you guys are really making me feel crazy for even considering the whole thing. The funny thing is I know what your saying is correct. My mind and heart is just in a tug of war right now. Well, I was pretty hurt when it all finished with that guy I mentioned before. Hard to imagine why now but, the point is, he never wanted to restart things but if he had who knows ... if I still wasn't completely over it I could have let my heart rule my head and got sucked back in. And what a prize I'd have won ... maybe I would have been the lucky girl who got to marry him only to end up barefoot, pregnant ... and on my own. It's self preservation ... better to hurt in the short-term and free yourself up to have a good life with or without a SO than give up your self-respect, independence and chance of meeting someone who really cares about YOU to make the pain go away just now. You've got a dossier on this guy - use it. The heartache will fade in time!
Don Ho Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 WOW.......you guys are really making me feel crazy for even considering the whole thing. The funny thing is I know what your saying is correct. My mind and heart is just in a tug of war right now. Um yes, you're sounding a little crazy. LOL. I think you're trading short term discomfort of missing him and wanting to be with him for long term heartache and misery. But you can do what you like.
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