joey66 Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Hi Tiger, The pattern you describe is common. For me, none of the (very good) suggestions above helped me either. It was only time that helped. Each cycle eventually became less intense than the one before. My feelings have faded, kind of like the way a pair of blue jeans eventually fade. It's s slow, painful process to be sure, but it does get better. Good luck.
Author TigerCub Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 Hi Tiger, The pattern you describe is common. For me, none of the (very good) suggestions above helped me either. It was only time that helped. Each cycle eventually became less intense than the one before. My feelings have faded, kind of like the way a pair of blue jeans eventually fade. It's s slow, painful process to be sure, but it does get better. Good luck. The jeans comparison made me laugh Thanks for your support Joey66. I am realistic, I know it will take some time - wish I wasn't so impatient
jj33 Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Its silly to say, and I hate admitting it, but a part of me gets kind of scared that if we really dont talk for a long time, and we really do end up doing NC for (lets say a year), then he'd forget about me. I know its so silly, because if he did, then obviously that means that he didn't love me like he said. And even if he did forget about me... a year from now, I'm sure I would have moved on by then. Not forgotten him, but moved on at least. Its a really weird silly fear that I have, but I admit that it does creep in sometimes. Hang on a minute. Hes never going to forget about you. Right now you cant imagine ever feeling this way about anyone else. But if you didnt talk to him for a long time you would still remember but it wouldnt be the same. Think of other loves. You loved them deeply and then when it ended over time the love fades its not that you love them less but the love is less fresh. Have you ever lost a loved one? A parent or a grandparent? You dont love them less because they died a years ago, its just that the pain of losing them is not fresh in your mind all the time. It will be the same with him. And that wont mean you love him less or he loves you less. It just means that sometimes you need to let go. Big hugs
Author TigerCub Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 Hang on a minute. Hes never going to forget about you. Right now you cant imagine ever feeling this way about anyone else. But if you didnt talk to him for a long time you would still remember but it wouldnt be the same. Think of other loves. You loved them deeply and then when it ended over time the love fades its not that you love them less but the love is less fresh. Have you ever lost a loved one? A parent or a grandparent? You dont love them less because they died a years ago, its just that the pain of losing them is not fresh in your mind all the time. It will be the same with him. And that wont mean you love him less or he loves you less. It just means that sometimes you need to let go. Big hugs Thanks JJ When you put it that way, it makes me feel a lot better about that fear I had.
jj33 Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Im glad it helped. Just take it one day at a time. You are doing better than you think. Three months ago you probably thought about the whole thing very differently. Its a process.
Author TigerCub Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 Im glad it helped. Just take it one day at a time. You are doing better than you think. Three months ago you probably thought about the whole thing very differently. Its a process. I'm constantly flip flopping - but now that I have my list and everyone's support here, I'm really feeling stronger and gonna try my hardest to make this NC/LC stick. Better things out there for me - that I know! Thanks again
BB07 Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Ladies, I don't know if you like country music or not, well this one sounds more like pop, anyway this song is awesome and very fitting for someone walking away from a toxic situation. You can listen to it here. It's called Stronger by Sara Evans.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 I'm so sick of it!!! try being his wife, whether she knows or not. How did you deal with it? Is there anything else besides a list that helps you stay on track with NC? Thanks you realize he is a cheater and a liar. deal with it by getting out there and looking for someone decent and AVAILABLE to spend time with. When you do, whether you make committments or not, just being in the company of good AVAILABLE men will make you forget all about Mr. Cheating Bastard. And if that doesn't work and you are pining for him, maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. Maybe I need to become a cheating jackass.
Author TigerCub Posted September 13, 2010 Author Posted September 13, 2010 try being his wife, whether she knows or not. I honestly don't know how she could NOT know that her man cheats on her. He has had (strictly sex) relationships before me. I was an EA that he didn't think he'd fall for. I think she must just be turning a blind eye to it all. BUT...THAT DOES NOT EXCUSE IT AT ALL. But I just really can't see how she could not know (at least of the others before me)...but whatever. I still think that the actions are wrong, regardless. you realize he is a cheater and a liar. deal with it by getting out there and looking for someone decent and AVAILABLE to spend time with. When you do, whether you make committments or not, just being in the company of good AVAILABLE men will make you forget all about Mr. Cheating Bastard. I agree with you, that's why I'm dating other people and trying to find someone a lot more appropriate, but I do love him, I can't help how I feel about that, I can't change that I love him. But after this last incident, I'm done trying with him. I never thought that I would be in this whole kind of situation, but it happened, and I'm trying to find my way out for good. And if that doesn't work and you are pining for him, maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. Maybe I need to become a cheating jackass. hehe, do what you gotta do kidding....
WowReally Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 Yup this was so me.....for a long time in this cycle...ugh For some reasons I cannot hold grudges with people or any people. However I can forgive so easy. For me it didn't take anger to get to a point to get out. It was more of boundaries and love. I'd rather be remembered for walking way loving someone than hating them. I just don't associate with bad people. I just figure there is just to much negative in this world and I know having anger and negative energy to me is counter productive. I do like the list problem however over time it's so much it becomes a book at which point you say it's over...I'm done with this. Yes to TC and Confused...wow it really is a trend huh? Crazy!
WowReally Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 Matches exactly what I've gone through, to the letter. I would have my moment of sanity, say to myself - dude, really, you are ridiculous, enough was enough. I would pull away, tell him I had to move on, and we'd detach for awhile, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, but one of us would break it and back we'd go. And he wouldn't even have to say or do anything big, any little nugget of love that I felt from him made me feel like a crack head because when connected again together mentally, it would give me literally a feeling of peace and I felt back whole with him again. But my mistake was that it wasn't back whole with him again. It was just the crack There were a million times over the past year where I've done the back and forth backslide with him, and I had a moment about a month ago where I had seriously just had it w/ all this garbage, and realized nothing was going to change. He was going to do what he needed to do, he was married, he was staying that way for the unforseeable future, and that was that. Now that reality still didn't help, because I still felt like a crack head. But then I realized that he was coming back to me for a bunch of reasons, none of which had anything to do with him wanting to come back to me for real. You know? He didn't want to be back whole like we were, like I thought. He just missed me, or missed my support, or missed the connection, or missed the crack as well. And I automatically jumped to the conclusion that because he wanted these things, he wanted me, and wanted us, and blah blah blah. But yeah, as it turns out, not so much. Plus, it is easy to stop romancing the idea of all these good times we've had together when I start thinking of all of these times he's dragged me back and forth through this, knowing he was never intending to actually come back for real. That's crappy. So now, when he tries to do it to me, I know that he's just looking for a fix and once he gets it, he's gone again. That really helps me set boundaries and mentally get straight on who exactly needs to be in control. And I've adopted a new personal policy - don't feed the crack head no matter how cute he is I have been NC/LC for around a month (I work w/ him so there's some contact out of necessity and I try to be civil) and I still run the gamut of emotions w/ him. Some days are better than others, but I will tell you, once you take control of that cycle back from him, it feels pretty damn good. I credit NC and the realization that his coming back to me does NOT mean what I want it to mean for my breakthrough... As soon as I realized that, making the list of ways he treated me like crap was not a hard list to produce.... GOOD LUCK!!! Stay strong and stay NC. Um yea! Funny that you say this because my xMM and I had this discussion probably about a week or so ago...needing fixes and how wrong it really was. LOL Wow there's alot to be said for these situations and how none of us are really alone
WowReally Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 Im a little surprised at how many of you work with your MM's that you want to end things or did end things with. I couldnt do it when I worked with my xMM. Im glad I dont have to see him every day any more...need my space and he needs his and the tension would have been too thick. Man men are pigs
sugarmomma Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 OP back to your post, its called traumatic bonding and its a very powerful thing that takes place when someone causes us pain. I am still recovering. http://www.thirdage.com/articles/are-you-addicted-emotional-pain-0
Author TigerCub Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 OP back to your post, its called traumatic bonding and its a very powerful thing that takes place when someone causes us pain. I am still recovering. http://www.thirdage.com/articles/are-you-addicted-emotional-pain-0 Thanks for the article link SugarMomma. That was interesting and it made sense to me. Good luck with your recovery
Author TigerCub Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 Im a little surprised at how many of you work with your MM's that you want to end things or did end things with. I couldnt do it when I worked with my xMM. Im glad I dont have to see him every day any more...need my space and he needs his and the tension would have been too thick. I'm lucky in that we only work in the same building, but different departments, so I never have to interact with him at work. - So glad for that!
Recommended Posts