How Quickly We Forget...

[TigerCub]

I really don't think its just me that goes through this...but this seems to be my pattern:

 

1. I get fed up with not having MM in the way that I want

 

2. I come to some "earth shattering" realization - moment of clarity and decide that it IS better to just cut off contact and focus on my other options and the other guys that want to take me out.

 

3. I feel really good an proud of myself, that even though I run into him @ the building at work, we're just friendly smiles and we move on.

 

4. I get moments of just missing him so much it crushes me - and....You guessed it - I, all of a sudden forget any insight I might have had up in step 2 of my fantastic self destructive cycle.

 

Then of course if he breaks NC or I do, its all good, and we go back to "normal" (our version of it anyways)...but he always manages to make me feel kinda crappy a short while after (and I've noticed that the time it takes him to make me feel bad is getting shorter and shorter)

 

Then its lather,rinse and reapeat from here

 

I'm so sick of it!!!

 

Today, I made up a list of all the things that he has done to make me feel crappy and put it up on my wall as a reminder, so that next time I miss him terribly and start to "forget" why NC is the only option for me - I'll have that reminder to snap me out of it.

 

Anyone else go through this?

How did you deal with it?

Is there anything else besides a list that helps you stay on track with NC?

 

Thanks

[siuys]

Sorry you're in pain.

 

Ask yourself if you have experienced enough pain. If not, the cycle will continue.

 

Everyday I feel more and more convinced that i do NOT ever want to go back to the same scenario, because it is so toxic and painful. That gives me the strength to main NC. You may get 5 min of relief and happiness from hearing his voice etc, but you will pay for it after. You will get thousands of minutes of pain after. It is a bad deal.

 

I also remind myself that NC is the only way. You can focus on yourself, remove addictive behaviour, process your thoughts and all what happened without the 'drug' around.

 

And you know deep down, that unless he comes back to you willingly and on his own, under new circumstances, this is a vicious cycle that will never end. I am sure he is as torn as you are, but you have to be the strong one to walk away, because they won't do it most of the time.

 

All the very best.

[Ellin]

Then of course if he breaks NC or I do, its all good, and we go back to "normal" (our version of it anyways)...but he always manages to make me feel kinda crappy a short while after (and I've noticed that the time it takes him to make me feel bad is getting shorter and shorter)

 

Hopefully the trend will continue and eventually you'll feel bad enough for so much of the time that this bad feeling will take over good feelings you have for him... and then you'll move on easily.

 

Wish you all the best.

[TigerCub]

Sorry you're in pain.

 

Ask yourself if you have experienced enough pain. If not, the cycle will continue.

 

Thanks Siuys

That's exactly it though, everytime I get fed up or he does something that I feel hurts my feelings, I say to myself "never again, I'm done with this crap"

but then its like I forget....

 

Its so silly. I'm really hoping that my list will help be my reminder.

 

I'm glad that things are working out for you and that you do feel stronger

[TigerCub]

Hopefully the trend will continue and eventually you'll feel bad enough for so much of the time that this bad feeling will take over good feelings you have for him... and then you'll move on easily.

 

Wish you all the best.

 

Haha - that's awesome Ellin! Here's hoping he's a jackass ALL the time!

Thanks for your support.

[jj33]

I used to go through that not back to the A but in terms of trying to be friends.

 

He would be nice and I would think ok we can be friends. Then he would do something to provoke me and I would get furious the tears would flow, I would decide I was never speaking to him again unless it was absolutely necessary and then time would pass and I would allow us to be friendly again.

 

Over time, I stopped getting attached to his attention and the provocation ramped up. Now I just ignore everything thats not business.

 

You just have to get sick enough of the cycle that you dont play anymore. Everyone stops in their own time.

[TigerCub]

I used to go through that not back to the A but in terms of trying to be friends.

 

He would be nice and I would think ok we can be friends. Then he would do something to provoke me and I would get furious the tears would flow, I would decide I was never speaking to him again unless it was absolutely necessary and then time would pass and I would allow us to be friendly again.

 

Over time, I stopped getting attached to his attention and the provocation ramped up. Now I just ignore everything thats not business.

 

You just have to get sick enough of the cycle that you dont play anymore. Everyone stops in their own time.

 

Thank you.

That's exactly it. I try to find a balance. I want to keep him in my life, but not have this crazy A. So I try to be friends, but it doesn't work. I cut him off, it doesn't work.

 

Its silly to say, and I hate admitting it, but a part of me gets kind of scared that if we really dont talk for a long time, and we really do end up doing NC for (lets say a year), then he'd forget about me.

 

I know its so silly, because if he did, then obviously that means that he didn't love me like he said.

And even if he did forget about me... a year from now, I'm sure I would have moved on by then. Not forgotten him, but moved on at least.

 

Its a really weird silly fear that I have, but I admit that it does creep in sometimes.

[LoveTNT]

I'm new to this. While this is my first post and haven't explained my relative experience, Yes this pattern somewhat matches up with mine. It's all growth. We're learning from our mistakes.. I have moments (mostly after my Moon haha) and I'm like I can do this dangit! I'm a good person, I have good things coming my way, I'll start bumping the radio in my car, I pray, I breathe, I experience... I don't have to call nor text nor think of the good times that occurred months ago to even last year. Then a day ok maybe current;y a day and 1/2 pass and I'm back to, a misly thought, memories, smiles, good times... But lately I've been praying I hold those current destructive thoughts into captivity and hand them over to my creator...

[TigerCub]

I'm new to this. While this is my first post and haven't explained my relative experience, Yes this pattern somewhat matches up with mine. It's all growth. We're learning from our mistakes.. I have moments (mostly after my Moon haha) and I'm like I can do this dangit! I'm a good person, I have good things coming my way, I'll start bumping the radio in my car, I pray, I breathe, I experience... I don't have to call nor text nor think of the good times that occurred months ago to even last year. Then a day ok maybe current;y a day and 1/2 pass and I'm back to, a misly thought, memories, smiles, good times... But lately I've been praying I hold those current destructive thoughts into captivity and hand them over to my creator...

 

Welcome to LS LoveTNT, and thanks for sharing your experiences with my destructive cycle. Its comforting (in its own crazy way) to know that its not just me.

 

I'm gonna keep trying to stay strong and keep in mind WHY I NEED NC and hopefully I'll stay on track longer next time...hey, I can even make a fun game out of it and see how long I can stay with each NC and try to beat my record each time

 

Good luck to you too. Definitely intersted in hearing your tale as well

[jwi71]

If you have to make a list to convince yourself that breaking NC is "bad"...then you aren't done with the A yet.

 

Its also why you keeping going in circles...you aren't truly done yet. Still holding on. Even now.

 

NC can HELP one see how bad and toxic an A is for most persons. But the REAL work is internal. And until you uncover "whatever" it is that keeps you coming back...you will keep going back.

 

Get to the point where you STOP EXCUSING him. Once there, the list becomes moot and NC easy.

[lilbunny]

TC I know what you are going through, I am in a bad place myself just now. There are a couple of threads letting about my situation. I am about to start as close to NC as I can (work together).

I also know that however crappy he has been with me today, in a week or so he could be hanging round me again and I will have to try very hard to keep going and not go back to something that is tearing the two of us apart.

If you need an NC buddy PM me anytime (((hugs)))

[Confused4Now]

I really don't think its just me that goes through this...but this seems to be my pattern:

 

1. I get fed up with not having MM in the way that I want

 

2. I come to some "earth shattering" realization - moment of clarity and decide that it IS better to just cut off contact and focus on my other options and the other guys that want to take me out.

 

3. I feel really good an proud of myself, that even though I run into him @ the building at work, we're just friendly smiles and we move on.

 

4. I get moments of just missing him so much it crushes me - and....You guessed it - I, all of a sudden forget any insight I might have had up in step 2 of my fantastic self destructive cycle.

 

Then of course if he breaks NC or I do, its all good, and we go back to "normal" (our version of it anyways)...but he always manages to make me feel kinda crappy a short while after (and I've noticed that the time it takes him to make me feel bad is getting shorter and shorter)

 

Then its lather,rinse and reapeat from here

 

I'm so sick of it!!!

 

Today, I made up a list of all the things that he has done to make me feel crappy and put it up on my wall as a reminder, so that next time I miss him terribly and start to "forget" why NC is the only option for me - I'll have that reminder to snap me out of it.

 

Anyone else go through this?

How did you deal with it?

Is there anything else besides a list that helps you stay on track with NC?

 

Thanks

Yup this was so me.....for a long time in this cycle...ugh For some reasons I cannot hold grudges with people or any people. However I can forgive so easy. For me it didn't take anger to get to a point to get out. It was more of boundaries and love. I'd rather be remembered for walking way loving someone than hating them. I just don't associate with bad people.

 

I just figure there is just to much negative in this world and I know having anger and negative energy to me is counter productive.

 

I do like the list problem however over time it's so much it becomes a book at which point you say it's over...I'm done with this.

[Spark1111]

You know this could be anyone we love and have a less than full-filling relationship with....when the negatives begin to outweigh the positives; when we seem to be giving more than we receive.

 

I love your idea of a list of negatives.

 

They say when you grow sick and tired of being sick and tired of a relationship is when you gather the strength to leave it behind.

 

Good luck to you.

 

And remember, maintaining the status quo is not the same as moving a relationship forward. That takes two on the same page with the same goals to do so.

[terrific]

Does it ever end with the first go round? I spent a lot of time reading today and it sure seems like it does not. I have a sticky note on my screen that says "Don't forget, you feel like S**T, it is NOT coming down"....

[Ellin]

Thanks Siuys

That's exactly it though, everytime I get fed up or he does something that I feel hurts my feelings, I say to myself "never again, I'm done with this crap"

but then its like I forget....

 

Its so silly. I'm really hoping that my list will help be my reminder.

It's natural, Tiger, just human. I guess most people do it, including myself.

 

What I wrote earlier was meant as a joke, but there's truth in it.

 

When I was trying to break away from my narcissist xH, I was told NC was the only way. But it didn't feel right for me, so I didn't do it. Whenever I started to forget the bad stuff and miss the "good", I'd contact him or allow him to contact me, and guess what... every time he helped me very much by reminding me WHY I WANTED TO GET AWAY.

 

In the end the process of separating myself from him became totally painless.

 

It is a bit different than your situation, because my xH provided me with less good moments and more bad ones than a typical MM provides to OW.

 

But ultimately, please, please - don't beat yourself up for not being "strong enough" ect. Sometimes resisting something keeps us more hooked on it than we'd be otherwise. Be kind and forgiving to yourself. If you have this urge you wish you weren't having, try to look at it closely, acknowledge it fully. Then do whatever you want with it, but don't try to supress it as it will only grow stronger.

 

Take care.

[Fallen Angel]

Does it ever end with the first go round? I spent a lot of time reading today and it sure seems like it does not. I have a sticky note on my screen that says "Don't forget, you feel like S**T, it is NOT coming down"....

 

That is brilliant, terrific!!

 

Of course you could add another sticky note that says, "I am terrific, and I deserve someone as terrific as I am!" Because you are, and you do!

[breaking_bad]

Matches exactly what I've gone through, to the letter.

 

I would have my moment of sanity, say to myself - dude, really, you are ridiculous, enough was enough.

 

I would pull away, tell him I had to move on, and we'd detach for awhile, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, but one of us would break it and back we'd go.

 

And he wouldn't even have to say or do anything big, any little nugget of love that I felt from him made me feel like a crack head because when connected again together mentally, it would give me literally a feeling of peace and I felt back whole with him again.

 

But my mistake was that it wasn't back whole with him again. It was just the crack

 

There were a million times over the past year where I've done the back and forth backslide with him, and I had a moment about a month ago where I had seriously just had it w/ all this garbage, and realized nothing was going to change. He was going to do what he needed to do, he was married, he was staying that way for the unforseeable future, and that was that.

 

Now that reality still didn't help, because I still felt like a crack head. But then I realized that he was coming back to me for a bunch of reasons, none of which had anything to do with him wanting to come back to me for real. You know?

 

He didn't want to be back whole like we were, like I thought. He just missed me, or missed my support, or missed the connection, or missed the crack as well. And I automatically jumped to the conclusion that because he wanted these things, he wanted me, and wanted us, and blah blah blah. But yeah, as it turns out, not so much.

 

Plus, it is easy to stop romancing the idea of all these good times we've had together when I start thinking of all of these times he's dragged me back and forth through this, knowing he was never intending to actually come back for real. That's crappy.

 

So now, when he tries to do it to me, I know that he's just looking for a fix and once he gets it, he's gone again. That really helps me set boundaries and mentally get straight on who exactly needs to be in control. And I've adopted a new personal policy - don't feed the crack head no matter how cute he is

 

I have been NC/LC for around a month (I work w/ him so there's some contact out of necessity and I try to be civil) and I still run the gamut of emotions w/ him. Some days are better than others, but I will tell you, once you take control of that cycle back from him, it feels pretty damn good.

 

I credit NC and the realization that his coming back to me does NOT mean what I want it to mean for my breakthrough... As soon as I realized that, making the list of ways he treated me like crap was not a hard list to produce....

 

GOOD LUCK!!! Stay strong and stay NC.

[Mousenotminnie]

I'm really amazed at what I'm reading in this thread. My MOM and I have been doing this same back and forth thing. It got to the point that he blamed it on my PMS and it did seem to follow that timeline. I know I'm not ready to end the A and neither is he but we both get so tired of not being able to be together. It helps to know I'm not alone but I'm sorry for all who are enduring this same pain.

[BlackLovely]

I really don't think its just me that goes through this...but this seems to be my pattern:

 

1. I get fed up with not having MM in the way that I want

 

2. I come to some "earth shattering" realization - moment of clarity and decide that it IS better to just cut off contact and focus on my other options and the other guys that want to take me out.

 

3. I feel really good an proud of myself, that even though I run into him @ the building at work, we're just friendly smiles and we move on.

 

4. I get moments of just missing him so much it crushes me - and....You guessed it - I, all of a sudden forget any insight I might have had up in step 2 of my fantastic self destructive cycle.

 

Then of course if he breaks NC or I do, its all good, and we go back to "normal" (our version of it anyways)...but he always manages to make me feel kinda crappy a short while after (and I've noticed that the time it takes him to make me feel bad is getting shorter and shorter)

 

Then its lather,rinse and reapeat from here

 

I'm so sick of it!!!

 

Today, I made up a list of all the things that he has done to make me feel crappy and put it up on my wall as a reminder, so that next time I miss him terribly and start to "forget" why NC is the only option for me - I'll have that reminder to snap me out of it.

 

Anyone else go through this?

How did you deal with it?

Is there anything else besides a list that helps you stay on track with NC?

 

Thanks

Yes, it's called "self esteem." You realize that you are worth more than being a side dish and you stick to your guns.

You are the only person who can stop this cycle. I love what another poster wrote about deciding if you need more pain.

I wish you continuous strength.

[TigerCub]

If you have to make a list to convince yourself that breaking NC is "bad"...then you aren't done with the A yet.

 

Its also why you keeping going in circles...you aren't truly done yet. Still holding on. Even now.

 

Thanks for the advice.

I hate to say it, but I realize that what keeps me trying with him are my "Daddy Issues" - with my dad, no matter how I tried, I was never the favorite and I always felt like I wasn't good enough to be "chosen".

 

I completely see the similarity in this situation. I do love MM and he says he loves me, but I'm still not "chosen", he's with his babby momma cuz they have kids together (that's the excuse he gives me)

 

I realize that although I do love him, that the reason I keep trying is maybe a part of me keeps reliving my past issues, hoping for a different outcome this time.

 

I AM Talking to a therapist now, because those "daddy issues" need to be dealt with, not just because of MM, but because they've haunted me for so long. I know that on the outside I look confident and very capable and strong, and for the most part I am, but this whole thing with MM has dredged up all that crap and I need to deal with it and put it to rest once and for all.

 

Thanks so much for your support

[TigerCub]

TC I know what you are going through, I am in a bad place myself just now. There are a couple of threads letting about my situation. I am about to start as close to NC as I can (work together).

I also know that however crappy he has been with me today, in a week or so he could be hanging round me again and I will have to try very hard to keep going and not go back to something that is tearing the two of us apart.

If you need an NC buddy PM me anytime (((hugs)))

 

Thanks lilbunny for being so sweet

**HUGS** to you!

 

It is a terrible cycle, because there is genuine love there, and we always forget the bad feelings and remember the good stuff - but that isn't good enough in the long run. Its so distructive.

 

How long have you been NC (the last time around)

[TigerCub]

 

I do like the list problem however over time it's so much it becomes a book at which point you say it's over...I'm done with this.

 

Haha! That occured to me when I was making the list. So far its only a 1 pager, but I need to stop being around him before it does become a novel!

[TigerCub]

Matches exactly what I've gone through, to the letter.

 

I would have my moment of sanity, say to myself - dude, really, you are ridiculous, enough was enough.

 

I would pull away, tell him I had to move on, and we'd detach for awhile, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, but one of us would break it and back we'd go.

 

And he wouldn't even have to say or do anything big, any little nugget of love that I felt from him made me feel like a crack head because when connected again together mentally, it would give me literally a feeling of peace and I felt back whole with him again.

 

But my mistake was that it wasn't back whole with him again. It was just the crack

 

There were a million times over the past year where I've done the back and forth backslide with him, and I had a moment about a month ago where I had seriously just had it w/ all this garbage, and realized nothing was going to change. He was going to do what he needed to do, he was married, he was staying that way for the unforseeable future, and that was that.

 

Now that reality still didn't help, because I still felt like a crack head. But then I realized that he was coming back to me for a bunch of reasons, none of which had anything to do with him wanting to come back to me for real. You know?

 

He didn't want to be back whole like we were, like I thought. He just missed me, or missed my support, or missed the connection, or missed the crack as well. And I automatically jumped to the conclusion that because he wanted these things, he wanted me, and wanted us, and blah blah blah. But yeah, as it turns out, not so much.

 

Plus, it is easy to stop romancing the idea of all these good times we've had together when I start thinking of all of these times he's dragged me back and forth through this, knowing he was never intending to actually come back for real. That's crappy.

 

So now, when he tries to do it to me, I know that he's just looking for a fix and once he gets it, he's gone again. That really helps me set boundaries and mentally get straight on who exactly needs to be in control. And I've adopted a new personal policy - don't feed the crack head no matter how cute he is

 

I have been NC/LC for around a month (I work w/ him so there's some contact out of necessity and I try to be civil) and I still run the gamut of emotions w/ him. Some days are better than others, but I will tell you, once you take control of that cycle back from him, it feels pretty damn good.

 

I credit NC and the realization that his coming back to me does NOT mean what I want it to mean for my breakthrough... As soon as I realized that, making the list of ways he treated me like crap was not a hard list to produce....

 

GOOD LUCK!!! Stay strong and stay NC.

 

Everything you have said above is so very true. I really need to get the bolded part in my head. It is so very true concerning my situation as well.

 

I'm glad that you're doing better.

Thanks for you support

[TigerCub]

Yes, it's called "self esteem." You realize that you are worth more than being a side dish and you stick to your guns.

You are the only person who can stop this cycle. I love what another poster wrote about deciding if you need more pain.

I wish you continuous strength.

 

That's the thing that's driving me insane though. In ANY other relationship, even one where I was in love, if I felt like I wasn't treated well or that it was ruining my self esteem, I WALKED AWAY.

 

I hate how this MM situation is bringing out a side of me that I dont like - the girl who's willing to put up with less than she deserves!

I hate that - that's no usually me, and it makes me sick that I put myself through this hell for nothing.

 

And when I think of that, that's when my resolve with the NC is sooooo strong, and I can do it, because I know I deserve so much better, and normally I don't put up with any less.

 

But then something happens, and I miss him, and some of my other issues pop up and it brings me right back.

 

But I am soooooo incredibly sick of being sad all the time and feeling so crappy about putting up with what I normally wouldn't put up with at all.

 

Thanks for your support.

 

I'm really gonna do my damnest to get myself out of this - I deserve so much better.....We all do!

[TigerCub]

I just want to say thanks to everyone that replied with encouragement, insight, support and their own experiences.

 

I really appreciate the support I get here from all of you