allawishis Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 I have been with my fiance for 7 years now and just found out see betrayed me. I first found out about 6 months ago and I immediately confronted her. She said it never went past electronic flirting and it was inappropriate. She acted very sincere and we went to counseling and I thought we were working it out. She told me that, oh we are getting married, that she felt something was going to change and that she felted trapped and bored. That's why she did what she did. After we started working this out this was really trying and she handled it very well. Never made me feel bad and always did what I need to help grow past this situation. In fact when it first happened I asked her to leave and she stayed in a hotel for a few days. She made it as easy as one could hope. Well recently, I found out from another bad break up that she had received photos of a certain kind from this guy and had met with him before. This of course she told me she never did before. I finally drug it out of her and she admitted these things to me. I decided since we were trying to make things work and are planned to get married in Maui in like 2 months, that we should work really hard and reconnecting and getting past this. Well, I started to feel she was still holding something back. So I kinda took a drastic measure and told her that if she swore these things were true and there were no more to the story she would take a lie detector test. Just trust me. Well her attitude changed and she started to be defensive about it. "Just trust me or don't." "I feel like I have to take a marital worthiness test." Then she admitted a few more details and the situation and said this is why she was acting like this. Still though swearing up and down and everything that she never crossed the line...had sex with him. Then the day of the test she finally breaks down and tells me. Couldn't even say it at first. That yea indeed she did cheat on me with this guy, 6 months ago! I begged her to get it all out on the table back then and she said she just didn't have the heart to tell me. I even contacted the guy she slept with back then and recently, today, and he had the very exact story each time. I called her and told her I was going over to confront him again, while I was with him. Within a minute his phone rang. She would admit she called him at first, then I told her to swear on our son. She admitted it, then later that day, as I said above, she admitted sleeping with him one time, in a park, in his car. It wasn't until I caught her that she stopped this. Yet she said it was a one time thing and REALLY regrets it. She always tell me how sorry she is and that she really messed up and knows it. She says she knows she can't take it back. She says she only loves me and wants to be with me. Why did she take soooooo long to come clean, and only when I took such drastic measures? Was she just really gonna live with this lie? I am at a loss. I do love her and we have built so much together. But I just don't want to find out in another 7 years that this happened again. I very embarrassed by this as I have friends and family already with plans to come to Maui for our wedding, our kids, our house, everything is at stack here. Can give her a chance, can I trust her again? I know only I can decided but looking for a little insight...hopefully!
GorillaTheater Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 One question: How long after you proposed did she boink this guy?
leftfield Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 I think the question is, can YOU get past being cheated on. Personally no, I don't think I could get past it, but 7 years is a long time to be with someone, so clearly it's not going to be an easy decision for you. However, the facts are these: she's a cheater and a liar. She may be "messed up", but come on, is that an excuse? Is that even a reason? Do YOU think it was a one off. It's going to be difficult to know, and of course how would you ever know for sure, given that you know she's a liar. It could eat you up inside for years to come wondering about this. When kids are involved it can be difficult to know what to do for the best, but what do you want for you? You can still be a good parent without being in that poisonous relationship. You mentioned "another bad break up", is this a regular thing? You want to know if you can trust her again, but do you really want to? Does she make you happy? As for confronting the guy she slept with, did you actually listen to him? You should have just defenestrated the b****** and told him to stay the hell away from you and your fiance!
Author allawishis Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 About, 6 months...does it matter?
Author allawishis Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 leftfield, I suppose I don't blame the guy...I really just blame her. The other bad break up was her cousin.
Hop_prophet Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 I could never get past that kind of betrayal. It would be one thing if she admitted it openly because that shows true remorse and sorrow and that she may have changed. Even then I doubt I could still be with that person. Just thank your lucky stars you found out when you did. Imagine if she concealed it until after you were married (and she probably would have). No need to be embarrassed either as this is completely on her and not your fault at all. I would do some serious soul searching before taking this woman back. My advice is to dump her sorry cheating a**, but at the very least postpone the wedding indefinitely.
CLC2008 Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 It is exceptionally rare. I think for most people (except those who are into open relationships ) in most cases, no.
skydiveaddict Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Just speaking for me, I would never trust her again,
mark982 Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 nope, all trust is gone. and don't believe her 1 boink story either!
Lemontang Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 If you do choose to forgive, make sure you both go into councilling so as to get to the root of the problem. This will show a true commitment from both sides. I had the unfortunate experience myself, which I'll probably post about at a later date. But in short I was with a girl for about 3 years who had a drinking problem and cheated on me once, we decided the relationship had enough substance to fix it and were going to do councilling but we never went through with it....big mistake. She then later proceeded to sleep around with randoms a lot. Needless to say we haven't spoken in 10 months. As the saying goes, fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice shame on me. One things for sure keep your self respect in check, the moment you don't is when you start doing silly stuff.
wrecked Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Did you always have a gut feeling? Was there a morning you woke up and things seemed so different? I honestly would not get into a marriage with her. But then again look at me, I have stayed for 9 months. I don't know if you will ever be able to trust her. After all being bored? Guess what Marriage gets real boring. And if you both cannot be each others friends during those bored moments she will lie to you again. I know my friends wouldn't lie to me! I thought my husband was my friend and guess what, he lied about that too because he never tells me the truth. I started therpay after catching him and I have learned a lot. Most liars cannot help themseleves. Most of the time they don't even know they are lying, it becomes such a habbit. I hope you will trust your gut! I didn't for a long time and it only hurt me. I do not know your pain but God do I know pain! Please PLEASE be true to yourself first. She seems to have that problem being true to herself and that is why she didn't tell you ASAP! It is so easy! SO EASy! As long as you are true to yourself then you wont have to lie to anybody else.. Maybe loosing you might be just what she needs to learn from this lesson.. God I hate being lied to! Especailly when It comes from your love, just like a kick to the vagina... Be good Be well... I wish you the best!
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