concerned about new housemate...

[shadowplay]

I already started an unrelated thread about her weird behavior around me. We all just moved in to a new place yesterday. Before Sarah wasn't really living with us because she spend most of her time at her boyfriend's house. I don't know her too well, but I thought she seemed nice enough. I also got the vibe she was a bit insecure and needy. But I was trying to keep an open mind.

 

Anyway, Sarah's boyfriend is living with us for a month (though not paying any rent), because he's broke and needs a place to stay before he moves to Brooklyn. He's staying in her room.

 

So three of us were at the place yesterday (her boyfriend Matt, Jen and I). Sarah was working until 1030 that night. Jen's mother was in town and came by the house at 8:30. She offered to take the three of us out to dinner. We happily agreed and had a nice meal. Just as we were getting our check, Matt got a call from Sarah that she was locked out of the house and sitting on the porch (I guess Matt had her key). We rushed home to let her in. When we got back she was furious and was rude to Jen's mother. I guess she was angry that Matt had gone to dinner without her. I didn't get it since she wasn't even home. She was at work and he hadn't eaten. I could hear her yelling upstairs and throwing things around. Then she came downstairs and started bawling in the bathroom.

 

I don't get it. Was there something inappropriate about this that I'm missing?

[Star Gazer]

I don't get it. Was there something inappropriate about this that I'm missing?

 

There's obviously more to their relationship (and its problems) than you know about. Could be that she thought he should have called to invite her. Could be that they had plans to have dinner together and expected him to be home when she got there, particularly since she was key-less and he apparently knew this. Could be that she was upset he was spending quality time with other people given that he's about to move in a month. Could be a combination of many different things.

 

In any event, it's really none of your business and I'd stay totally out of it and not give another thought to it.

[shadowplay]

There's obviously more to their relationship (and its problems) than you know about. Could be that she thought he should have called to invite her. Could be that they had plans to have dinner together and expected him to be home when she got there, particularly since she was key-less and he apparently knew this. Could be that she was upset he was spending quality time with other people given that he's about to move in a month. Could be a combination of many different things.

 

In any event, it's really none of your business and I'd stay totally out of it and not give another thought to it.

 

Well, I wouldn't care except she was taking it out on me and my other housemate and my housemate's mother. She was rude to all of us. None of those explanations make any sense to me. I guess I just don't see what the big deal is.

 

I'm just worried about what I'm getting into with her.

[shadowplay]

Update. Another problem coming up with her.

 

When we gave the landlord our first last and security deposit, I offered to write a check from my account since he only wanted one check from all of us. Jen's wrote me a check for her portion that went through fine. I deposited Sarah's check at an atm but because of some apparent screwup with the bank it disappeared from record. There is no record of the check being deposited in my account. I ended up having to borrow money from my father to cover her portion of the rent. He now needs that money immediately.

 

I talked to the people at the bank, and they advised me to ask Sarah if the money was ever taken out of her account. I told her this a few nights ago, and she didn't look into it until this morning. Sarah told me when she looked at her online account it showed that the money was never withdrawn. So I'm thinking, OK, good. Now she can just write me a new check. But she tells me she wants to stop by the bank first and straighten up things with them.

 

She came back from the bank and said to me: "There's nothing I can do. They told me not to write you another check because it will bounce." So I'm like, "but if the money was never taken out of your account, why would it bounce?" I can't get a straight answer from her. She mentions some pending payment that was listed on her account that may or may not be related to the check. I ask her what the amount is, and she can't remember. I ask her politely if she wouldn't mind looking to see if it's the same amount as the check. But she's all evasive and doesn't exactly agree to look. The whole conversation she's acting as if this is my problem, and she's not going to do anything about it. She goes back to her room.

 

I'm sitting there stunned thinking WTF. Did this chick just rip me off 900 dollars?

 

Finally, I knock on her door to clear this up. I'm still being really nice, but firm. Her boyfriend gets involved and seems more reasonable. I ask her if she found out if the pending payment was related to the check, and she said she just looked and it's something else. We (her boyfriend and I) come to the conclusion that the best course of action is to just cancel the check so she can write me a new one. She has a receipt for the original check, so this should be easy enough. But again she's evasive. Later I say, yeah just cancel the check and write me a new one when you get a chance and she says "it may be a little while." Clearly, she doesnt' have the money.

 

The ridiculous thing is she's acting annoyed at me for bothering her about this, when I'm the one she owes money.

Edited September 1, 2010 by shadowplay

[Star Gazer]

The ridiculous thing is she's acting annoyed at me for bothering her about this, when I'm the one she owes money.

 

If I were her, I'd find it a little weird that your bank/the ATM just magically ate my check and it vanished into oblivion. Honestly, I'd be suspicious and cautious before giving you another $900. I'd want to make absolutely sure that the check wasn't still outstanding/being processed. I know with my bank, a check could in fact be set to clear tonight, my balance will reflect it (i.e., it's missing that check amount), but yet the bank has no way of seeing the check "waiting in limbo." And rather than tell you to your face that I was uncomfortable with the situation (because you might take that as accusatory), I might be "evasive."

 

I dunno. I don't know why you're seeming to look for problems with this girl... all because you perceive she doesn't like you as much as the other roommate?

 

Can't you see it from her perspective, even for a second?

 

I doubt you're truly out the $900. Worst case scenario is that she's probably just bad at balancing her checkbook, and assumed the money from your check had already been taken from her account, so she spent what was left. You'll get the money when she gets paid next, I suspect.

[shadowplay]

If I were her, I'd find it a little weird that your bank/the ATM just magically ate my check and it vanished into oblivion. Honestly, I'd be suspicious and cautious before giving you another $900. I'd want to make absolutely sure that the check wasn't still outstanding/being processed. I know with my bank, a check could in fact be set to clear tonight, my balance will reflect it (i.e., it's missing that check amount), but yet the bank has no way of seeing the check "waiting in limbo." And rather than tell you to your face that I was uncomfortable with the situation (because you might take that as accusatory), I might be "evasive."

 

I dunno. I don't know why you're seeming to look for problems with this girl... all because you perceive she doesn't like you as much as the other roommate?

 

Can't you see it from her perspective, even for a second?

 

I doubt you're truly out the $900. Worst case scenario is that she's probably just bad at balancing her checkbook, and assumed the money from your check had already been taken from her account, so she spent what was left. You'll get the money when she gets paid next, I suspect.

 

No, I honestly can't. She gave me the check a week ago, which is when I deposited it, and the money was never subtracted from her account (which she verified when she looked online and when she met with the bank), so I clearly did nothing with it. If she simply cancels the check, she should have nothing to worry about. That's what a reasonable person would do. I told her to look into this last week, and that I had to borrow money from other people to pay for her portion, but she didn't look into it until this morning and then was all evasive.

 

I'm not looking for problems with this girl. I'm being hit over the head with them.

Edited September 1, 2010 by shadowplay

[Star Gazer]

The money may be an inconvenience for you, but you're acting like it's a personal issue. Why?

[melodymatters]

For one thing, get Jen involved. You went out on a limb for the"group", you shouldn't be stuck with the problem alone.

 

Secondly, the three of you should split the cancellation fee. My mom was going on vacay with 2 GF's. One lost the other ones check and was like " oh, sorry, just cancel it and send another one". The one who's check was lost is a succesful attorney, but didn't like the casual " Oh, I made a mistake and misplaced your check, YOU eat the 35 dollar fee" aspect. ( I know YOU didn't lose the check, it's just added info to process)

 

This could get very ugly, so try and get everyone on the same page as to " what should be done now for the good of the household" footing.

[shadowplay]

For one thing, get Jen involved. You went out on a limb for the"group", you shouldn't be stuck with the problem alone.

 

Secondly, the three of you should split the cancellation fee. My mom was going on vacay with 2 GF's. One lost the other ones check and was like " oh, sorry, just cancel it and send another one". The one who's check was lost is a succesful attorney, but didn't like the casual " Oh, I made a mistake and misplaced your check, YOU eat the 35 dollar fee" aspect. ( I know YOU didn't lose the check, it's just added info to process)

 

This could get very ugly, so try and get everyone on the same page as to " what should be done now for the good of the household" footing.

 

I actually offered to pay the 20 dollar cancellation fee (of course she didn't volunteer to split it with me). Still, she was evasive about if and when she'd cancel it.

[shadowplay]

The money may be an inconvenience for you, but you're acting like it's a personal issue. Why?

 

because she's not making it priority to help me figure this out when she knows I had to borrow from other people to cover her portion, and that they need that money immediately. I told her my dad needs the money to pay his mortgage. I can't get a straight answer from her about when she'll pay it or whether she'll pay it. And to make matters worse, she's acting offended as if I've done something wrong by bugging her about this.

[shadowplay]

my therapist thinks I should tell her firmly that I need at least some of the money now and I need to know when she pay back the rest. I don't know if that's the right approach. She also said I should forget about trying to befriend Sarah, because she's not somebody who I'd want as a friend or who would make a good friend.

 

It's stressful starting this new living situation with all this drama.

[sb129]

re: boyfriend issues- totally nothing to do with you.

 

Re: rent etc, if she only gave you the check last week then having a week to clear things up isn't unreasonable.

Checks can take 3 days to clear here. Maybe she spent the extra money and is waiting until she has sufficient funds to pay you back, but doesn't feel like discussing her personal finances in detail with you.

 

I wouldn't just write another check for $900 either.

 

I think you are making this into more of a drama than it needs to be.

 

If she hadn't paid you back within a month, then fair enough, thats not cool.

 

I agree that there is no need to befriend her, but if thats what you choose, don't expect her to let you in on all her personal lifes details.

[shadowplay]

re: boyfriend issues- totally nothing to do with you.

 

Re: rent etc, if she only gave you the check last week then having a week to clear things up isn't unreasonable.

Checks can take 3 days to clear here. Maybe she spent the extra money and is waiting until she has sufficient funds to pay you back, but doesn't feel like discussing her personal finances in detail with you.

 

She knows I need this money immediately, and that money was slated for our rent so she not have spent it. She knows I've borrowed money from other people in order to cover her. I don't need to discuss her personal finances, but I don't think it's all unreasonable for me to ask for her to give me a time when she can pay me back given that she knows I have poeple waiting on that money.

[shadowplay]

=

but if thats what you choose, don't expect her to let you in on all her personal lifes details.

 

I don't even know what this means...?

[Star Gazer]

re: boyfriend issues- totally nothing to do with you.

 

Re: rent etc, if she only gave you the check last week then having a week to clear things up isn't unreasonable.

Checks can take 3 days to clear here. Maybe she spent the extra money and is waiting until she has sufficient funds to pay you back, but doesn't feel like discussing her personal finances in detail with you.

 

I wouldn't just write another check for $900 either.

 

I think you are making this into more of a drama than it needs to be.

 

If she hadn't paid you back within a month, then fair enough, thats not cool.

 

I agree that there is no need to befriend her, but if thats what you choose, don't expect her to let you in on all her personal lifes details.

 

Agreed.

 

You've only talked to her about this a few nights ago, and yet your expectation is that she drop everything and immediately help you fix your problem that she didn't create. I'm sure she'll get you the money, but "being firm" with her out the gate isn't going to do you any good or encourage her to want to help you.

 

I'd also recommend building some semblance of a savings, because if you don't have $900 of your own saved up, or your parents don't have that much saved up on their own, you're putting yourself in a situation where simple money issues like this will continue to cause you drama.

 

I mean, asking whether your ROOMMATE just "ripped you off $900" (rent and deposit) is just taking it too far, don't you think?

[Star Gazer]

I don't even know what this means...?

 

"Being firm" with her isn't going to help you develop the friendly relationship you want with her, like the one she has with Jen.

[shadowplay]

Agreed.

 

You've only talked to her about this a few nights ago, and yet your expectation is that she drop everything and immediately help you fix your problem that she didn't create. I'm sure she'll get you the money, but "being firm" with her out the gate isn't going to do you any good or encourage her to want to help you.

 

I'd also recommend building some semblance of a savings, because if you don't have $900 of your own saved up, or your parents don't have that much saved up on their own, you're putting yourself in a situation where simple money issues like this will continue to cause you drama.

 

I mean, asking whether your ROOMMATE just "ripped you off $900" (rent and deposit) is just taking it too far, don't you think?

 

I spoke to her about this a WEEK ago, and told her that it was pretty urgent. She didn't need to drop everything. All she needed to do was log in to her account and check her balance, which takes all of five minutes. I know because we have the same bank.

[2sunny]

change the locks and tell her to get out now! make sure she leaves along with her mooch of a boyfriend.

 

you don't need the hassle - she's making sure she doesn't pay you. tell her to write a check for the amount of days she HAS actually been there - then escort her to the door. since her new key won't work there's no reason to think she'll come back in. set all her things outside after telling her - you'll get to it when you have time - just like she takes her time in paying her rent.

 

since she had no urgency = you don't need to feel rushed about anything except getting her out.

 

tell her she lies, is manipulative and sneaky - of which you don't appreciate in a roomie. so - she's out.

 

and don't feel bad = she's the one who should feel bad and she doesn't... which means she really is a jerk.

[melodymatters]

change the locks and tell her to get out now! make sure she leaves along with her mooch of a boyfriend.

 

you don't need the hassle - she's making sure she doesn't pay you. tell her to write a check for the amount of days she HAS actually been there - then escort her to the door. since her new key won't work there's no reason to think she'll come back in. set all her things outside after telling her - you'll get to it when you have time - just like she takes her time in paying her rent.

 

since she had no urgency = you don't need to feel rushed about anything except getting her out.

 

tell her she lies, is manipulative and sneaky - of which you don't appreciate in a roomie. so - she's out.

 

and don't feel bad = she's the one who should feel bad and she doesn't... which means she really is a jerk.

 

 

While I find THIS a bit harsh, I find it refreshing after the other advice, ( and I respect and like you both SB & SG) because this is business, and having been a landlord personally, and a property manager professionally, this is NOT the sort of behavior that can or should be tolerated, lest it gets worse.

 

If it has been proven that the 900 dollars owed has not been taken from Sarah's account, Sarah should still have this money which was dedicated as her share of payment, and if shadow PAYS for the check cancellation, there is no way shadow is ripping off sarah, while it is a FACT that SARAH still owes SP 900 bucks.

 

The OP is stating that the $900 is a matter of importance to her family and that is all we need to know about THAT.

[sb129]

Hey, I totally agree that she owes SP $900 and she needs to sort it out ASAP.

I would be p*ssed too, but I probably wouldn't have approached it the same way.

 

BUT SP can't control Sarahs actions, and if she has decided not to "be friends" with Sarah, then Sarah may be picking up on some of the hostility that is apparent on this thread- and therefore isn't as sympathetic towards SP as she might otherwise be.

[shadowplay]

While I find THIS a bit harsh, I find it refreshing after the other advice, ( and I respect and like you both SB & SG) because this is business, and having been a landlord personally, and a property manager professionally, this is NOT the sort of behavior that can or should be tolerated, lest it gets worse.

 

If it has been proven that the 900 dollars owed has not been taken from Sarah's account, Sarah should still have this money which was dedicated as her share of payment, and if shadow PAYS for the check cancellation, there is no way shadow is ripping off sarah, while it is a FACT that SARAH still owes SP 900 bucks.

 

The OP is stating that the $900 is a matter of importance to her family and that is all we need to know about THAT.

 

Yeah, I'm not sure what was up with the other advice as everyone else I've talked with about this has thought it was ridiculous.

 

I put myself on a limb for all three of us so we could pay our rent, and Sarah knows the bank losing the check wasn't my fault; she also knows I have family waiting on that money and it's urgent.

 

She should be making it a priority to figure this out. Instead, she's acting like it's not her problem when the reality is it involves all of us. I was disturbed by her attitude when she returned from the bank, because I got the sense she was ready to let the matter drop and not give me my money. She basically told me it wasn't her problem, and seemed eager to head back to her room. She also made me feel like I was being annoying by "bothering" her about this. At one point I caught myself apologizing, and thought to myself, "what am I doing?"

[shadowplay]

Hey, I totally agree that she owes SP $900 and she needs to sort it out ASAP.

I would be p*ssed too, but I probably wouldn't have approached it the same way.

 

BUT SP can't control Sarahs actions, and if she has decided not to "be friends" with Sarah, then Sarah may be picking up on some of the hostility that is apparent on this thread- and therefore isn't as sympathetic towards SP as she might otherwise be.

 

Nope. I hadn't decided not to be friends with Sarah. In fact, my opinion of her was good, and I'd continued to be very friendly, even helping her move, until this happened.

[shadowplay]

Hey, I totally agree that she owes SP $900 and she needs to sort it out ASAP.

I would be p*ssed too, but I probably wouldn't have approached it the same way.

 

BUT SP can't control Sarahs actions, and if she has decided not to "be friends" with Sarah, then Sarah may be picking up on some of the hostility that is apparent on this thread- and therefore isn't as sympathetic towards SP as she might otherwise be.

 

How would you have approached it? I was very nice with Sarah about the money thing. I never got short or nasty.

[sb129]

Nope. I hadn't decided not to be friends with Sarah. In fact, my opinion of her was good, and I'd continued to be very friendly, even helping her move, until this happened.

 

You said that you had discussed that with your therapist?

 

She IS being a PITA, granted. I wouldn't have forked out in the first place to be perfectly honest.

 

Don't ask her for a timeline- give her one.

[shadowplay]

You said that you had discussed that with your therapist?

 

She IS being a PITA, granted. I wouldn't have forked out in the first place to be perfectly honest.

 

Don't ask her for a timeline- give her one.

 

Oh, I met with my therapist just this afternoon before I wrote the thread.