Mother-In-Law Not Happy w/Our Marriage

[motogirl]

My mother-in-law was a friend/co-worker before I met my husband. In fact, that's how I met him.

 

MIL has a very negative, intolerant, 'always voice her opinion no matter what' type personality. However, she can also be fun and we have laughed and talked a lot together at work. Her outspokeness, negative attitudes and complaining didn't really bother me before we became in-laws.

 

Since hubby and I were seriously dating, she has always complained that she doesn't get to spend enough alone time with him. Also, keep in mind that when hubby was single for 4 years, she always complained that he called her constantly inviting her over, out to eat, to movies, etc. She complained to me and him about this before we had even met. She would say she wished he would find a girlfriend, have his own life and leave her some time to herself. In reality, they only saw each other a couple of times a week...it was not constantly as she stated in her complaints.

 

She has only complained about not having alone time with hubby to me...not to him. I've listened to this for almost a year now. Comments like "I feel like I've lost my son, I feel like I don't have a son, He never has time to fix anything for me anymore (this is not true!).

 

Also, please note that I have 2 kids from my first marriage. MIL's father is remarried to a lady 15 years his junior with kids and grandkids. MIL's father is very involved in the lives of his step-kids and grandkids. Over the years, I've listened to her complain about visiting her father and her step-mother being around all the time. That she just wants to visit her father. That she 'doesn't give a sh*t about the step-kids, grand-kids' Her exact words. She just wants to visit her father and not hear about his 'other' family. In fact, when she visited her father this Summer, she made a point to visit when her step-mother would be working so she wouldn't have to see her. Then commented upon returning from her trip that she thought her step-mother might have felt a little left out but she didn't care. I think anyone can see how I would feel, being married to her son and having 2 kids based on her words about her step-mother and step-brothers/sisters.

 

Hubby and I are one of those 'joined at the hip' couples. He works really long hours and we only get to see each other for 1.5 hours on weekdays, half of Saturday and half of Sunday. We like to spend all of our free time together. Sometimes with my kids, sometimes with my family, sometimes with his family, sometimes with friends...but always pretty much together. We both like it that way. I realize not all couples like that and I respect that but we are each others' best friends and enjoy spending all of our free time together. Maybe that would change if we ever had more time available to us but for now... MIL hates that. Asks questions like "Don't you two ever get tired of each other?" and says things will change because we are in our first year of marriage. I find this highly annoying. Just because she admits she can't put up with a man and wants to be alone doesn't mean everyone shares her opinion. She says all the time that 'the only reason to have man around is to take care of the man chores'. I also find this annoying.

 

I have also been very welcoming to MIL from the time I moved in with hubby. I went out of my way to invite her over, cook nice meals for us, ask her to go out to eat and to movies with us, etc. Even though hubby and I have so little time together, I have been more than welcoming with her.

 

I've been getting tired of hearing the comments and couldn't take it anymore. I tend to internalize things until I blow up and that happened yesterday. She started in talking about a niece that broke up with a boyfriend because 'he was up her butt 24/7', how horrible it is that people don't have lives of their own. I knew that was her way of implying I don't have a life of my own and I couldn't hold my tongue. I said I don't want a life of my own...I want a life with my husband, my family and his family. She was telling me how horrible that is, how she couldn't put up with some man up her butt 24/7, sitting around looking at him all the time and that he would have to keep separate interest from her and do his own thing while she did hers. I explained that hubby and I have all of the same interests and enjoy sharing hobbies. She said I am a 'joined at the hip' person and apparently hubby is too and that's just us, not everyone else. I get that but should it bother her if we are both happy? It progressed to her explaining to me that she would 'treasure an hour alone' with her son without the kids and I. That 'a bond has been broken' between them. That it's different visiting him when the kids and I are there. That they talk about different things when they are alone. I think all of that is a bit dramatic. I explained that my family is total opposite. My parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc. were all 'joined at the hip' couples and they are all just as excited to visit sons/daughters-in-laws as they are sons/daughters. She said that my family is sad. She also likes to visit her mom without her sister. Otherwise, it just isn't the same. Then I stopped talking because my feelings were very hurt and she got upset, cried in the bathroom for 20 minutes and left work for the rest of the day.

 

I talked to hubby last night and he was completely shocked. He said not once has she ever mentioned to him that she wants to spend alone time to him. He said me and his mom were friends and it never dawned there was an issue. He's very hurt that she said the things she did and that I was hurt. He doesn't know what to say to her. I told him he doesn't have to say anything. I even suggested he start spending some alone time with her. He doesn't really want to. He said maybe if she had asked before all of this it would be different but now it would feel like letting her have her way. I kind of agree with that. Now it would kind of feel like him taking her side of the disagreement. However, I'm honest when I say I won't be mad at him if he visits her alone sometimes. Me feeling like visiting her again is a different matter...that will take a long time. Hubby doesn't know what to do and I feel as bad for him as I do for me, maybe worse. I do want him to have a good relationship with his mom. He feels like he can't make her happy ever and this is true. So, I don't know what to do. He's afraid if he starts a precedence for visiting her alone that she will expect that all the time and never visit when the kids and I are there. That's not what he wants.

 

I'm so hurt...I just feel that I've been basically told she doesn't care about me and the kids...just her son. Afterall, she's said that about her step-mom, etc. for years.

 

She came to work today but we haven't spoken at all. It's really tense.

 

Any words of wisdom?

[xxoo]

1. Stop talking to your MIL about your relationship. Refer all complaints to her son: "You should talk to your son about that." and change the subject.

 

2. If she makes negative comments about you being together too much, shut it down with a cheerful, "We really can't get enough of each other!" If she has complaints, refer to #1.

 

3. If she has negative remarks about men/relationships in general, ignore.

 

Now, your husband has the challenge of setting boundaries with his mother. He needs to do this himself. He should insist that she talk to him directly when he has a complaint about him--not go to you. See how the dynamic changes when the communication is between the two of them directly. She may make unreasonable demands on him, or she may not. He'll have to set boundaries if she does.

[whiskeygrl82]

My mother-in-law was a friend/co-worker before I met my husband. In fact, that's how I met him.

 

MIL has a very negative, intolerant, 'always voice her opinion no matter what' type personality. However, she can also be fun and we have laughed and talked a lot together at work. Her outspokeness, negative attitudes and complaining didn't really bother me before we became in-laws.

 

Since hubby and I were seriously dating, she has always complained that she doesn't get to spend enough alone time with him. Also, keep in mind that when hubby was single for 4 years, she always complained that he called her constantly inviting her over, out to eat, to movies, etc. She complained to me and him about this before we had even met. She would say she wished he would find a girlfriend, have his own life and leave her some time to herself. In reality, they only saw each other a couple of times a week...it was not constantly as she stated in her complaints.

 

She has only complained about not having alone time with hubby to me...not to him. I've listened to this for almost a year now. Comments like "I feel like I've lost my son, I feel like I don't have a son, He never has time to fix anything for me anymore (this is not true!).

 

Also, please note that I have 2 kids from my first marriage. MIL's father is remarried to a lady 15 years his junior with kids and grandkids. MIL's father is very involved in the lives of his step-kids and grandkids. Over the years, I've listened to her complain about visiting her father and her step-mother being around all the time. That she just wants to visit her father. That she 'doesn't give a sh*t about the step-kids, grand-kids' Her exact words. She just wants to visit her father and not hear about his 'other' family. In fact, when she visited her father this Summer, she made a point to visit when her step-mother would be working so she wouldn't have to see her. Then commented upon returning from her trip that she thought her step-mother might have felt a little left out but she didn't care. I think anyone can see how I would feel, being married to her son and having 2 kids based on her words about her step-mother and step-brothers/sisters.

 

Hubby and I are one of those 'joined at the hip' couples. He works really long hours and we only get to see each other for 1.5 hours on weekdays, half of Saturday and half of Sunday. We like to spend all of our free time together. Sometimes with my kids, sometimes with my family, sometimes with his family, sometimes with friends...but always pretty much together. We both like it that way. I realize not all couples like that and I respect that but we are each others' best friends and enjoy spending all of our free time together. Maybe that would change if we ever had more time available to us but for now... MIL hates that. Asks questions like "Don't you two ever get tired of each other?" and says things will change because we are in our first year of marriage. I find this highly annoying. Just because she admits she can't put up with a man and wants to be alone doesn't mean everyone shares her opinion. She says all the time that 'the only reason to have man around is to take care of the man chores'. I also find this annoying.

 

I have also been very welcoming to MIL from the time I moved in with hubby. I went out of my way to invite her over, cook nice meals for us, ask her to go out to eat and to movies with us, etc. Even though hubby and I have so little time together, I have been more than welcoming with her.

 

I've been getting tired of hearing the comments and couldn't take it anymore. I tend to internalize things until I blow up and that happened yesterday. She started in talking about a niece that broke up with a boyfriend because 'he was up her butt 24/7', how horrible it is that people don't have lives of their own. I knew that was her way of implying I don't have a life of my own and I couldn't hold my tongue. I said I don't want a life of my own...I want a life with my husband, my family and his family. She was telling me how horrible that is, how she couldn't put up with some man up her butt 24/7, sitting around looking at him all the time and that he would have to keep separate interest from her and do his own thing while she did hers. I explained that hubby and I have all of the same interests and enjoy sharing hobbies. She said I am a 'joined at the hip' person and apparently hubby is too and that's just us, not everyone else. I get that but should it bother her if we are both happy? It progressed to her explaining to me that she would 'treasure an hour alone' with her son without the kids and I. That 'a bond has been broken' between them. That it's different visiting him when the kids and I are there. That they talk about different things when they are alone. I think all of that is a bit dramatic. I explained that my family is total opposite. My parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc. were all 'joined at the hip' couples and they are all just as excited to visit sons/daughters-in-laws as they are sons/daughters. She said that my family is sad. She also likes to visit her mom without her sister. Otherwise, it just isn't the same. Then I stopped talking because my feelings were very hurt and she got upset, cried in the bathroom for 20 minutes and left work for the rest of the day.

 

I talked to hubby last night and he was completely shocked. He said not once has she ever mentioned to him that she wants to spend alone time to him. He said me and his mom were friends and it never dawned there was an issue. He's very hurt that she said the things she did and that I was hurt. He doesn't know what to say to her. I told him he doesn't have to say anything. I even suggested he start spending some alone time with her. He doesn't really want to. He said maybe if she had asked before all of this it would be different but now it would feel like letting her have her way. I kind of agree with that. Now it would kind of feel like him taking her side of the disagreement. However, I'm honest when I say I won't be mad at him if he visits her alone sometimes. Me feeling like visiting her again is a different matter...that will take a long time. Hubby doesn't know what to do and I feel as bad for him as I do for me, maybe worse. I do want him to have a good relationship with his mom. He feels like he can't make her happy ever and this is true. So, I don't know what to do. He's afraid if he starts a precedence for visiting her alone that she will expect that all the time and never visit when the kids and I are there. That's not what he wants.

 

I'm so hurt...I just feel that I've been basically told she doesn't care about me and the kids...just her son. Afterall, she's said that about her step-mom, etc. for years.

 

She came to work today but we haven't spoken at all. It's really tense.

 

Any words of wisdom?

 

 

Here are my words of wisdom.... F#$@ her!!

My MIL hates my guts! In fact, my husband's whole family does. In fact, right after we got engaged she had the nerve to tell me that I wasn't good enough for her son. Because of the way his family treats me, he refuses to speak to them and doesn't go home to visit anymore. (We live 8 hours away)

Your home and your marriage should be your husbands first priority and if his mother can't respect you then she doesn't deserve to be a part of your life. It makes everything so difficult when part of the family does't agree with your marriage but it's your marriage and none of their business.

 

As someone in the same boat you are, I wish you all the luck in the world. I hope it works out better for you than it has for me...

[quankanne]

wow! My first thought when I started reading was to suggest that your husband take her to lunch once a month and spend a good 60-90 minutes with her, just the two of them alone, because I think a mother and her son (or dad and daughter) deserve that time to themselves.

 

but as your message went on, it dawned on me that this woman is an utter attention whore. Wants her dad, her mom, her son to focus their attention *only* on her. And that's not a good thing.

 

time to be firm, but gentle on her, and tell her that y'all obviously have different ways of being in relationships, and that because he is your husband, your way is the best way for the two of y'all. If she doesn't get it, then put your teeth in and start nipping at her: Point out that if she doesn't respect his needs for his little family, she's going to lose him because he really isn't into playing those kinds of games. And that you don't appreciate getting sucked into the self-induced drama she's creating when you've done more than your part in trying to be a good daughter to her.

 

then walk away, because the ball is now in her court. If she continues kvetching, smile politely at her and tell her you agree to disagree and plan to leave it at that. If she doesn't get the hint ... walk away from the conversation, but continue to kill her with kindness. Becuase you don't have to put up with anyone's bullshxt, esp. a family member's!

 

BTW, I must've been in lala land, because I hadn't realized you tied the knot! Congratulations to you and your honey-baby :love:

[blair08]

Don't be her "go between." If she has an issue with her son, or something that is bothering her with him, she needs to address him. I made the mistake, years ago of being the "go between" with my husband and MIL, and it only caused more problems. I thought I was being helpful and I guess I was, until MIL turned and twisted things around. That's why if she has a problem with him she needs to talk to him.

[KikiW]

Echoing others' sentiments - it sounds like she is just very happy complaining about... EVERYTHING. If there was nothing in her radar to complain about, she'd go LOOKING for something to complain about.

 

There is nothing wrong with being joined at the hip with your guy if you two are both happy that way. It's HER problem if she actually wants time alone with him (which I actually doubt, I think it was just something to stir sh*t up with you), and she damn well should have been talking to HIM about it, not YOU. How EFFING RUDE is it to tell YOU this stuff?

 

No, honestly, think about it. If you are a mom and having empty nest syndrome or missing your kid, is it REALLY the right thing to do to tell your kid's wife about it in such a negative way? If it were me, I would have called up my son and spoken privately to him about it, so I didn't hurt wife's feelings.

 

No, this woman is being extremely rude and obnoxious. Maybe that's just how she is, but I would be surprised if she kept friends long. Some people need to learn the lesson of TACT.