Still in love but broken up

[pandagirl]

I posted this in the LDR forum, but thought it's better suited here, since it is a break up after all.

 

So, my LDR BF and I broke up last night. We met in the same city, dated for two months, fell in love, then a job took him away. Eight months after his move, we broke up last night. The best way I can describe it is: life got in the way and the distance made it worse.

 

He's been kind of lost since he moved, over-worked, no social life, making his mental and emotional state not so great. I noticed him acting distant in the last two months, and it caused me great insecurity and anxiety. Throw everything together, and it got messy and neither of us were happy.

 

After another typical argument between the both of us, he said he needed a break, which I pushed into a break up (a "break" IS a break up). But I'm so heartbroken. He still loves me and I love him, but the way things are, our relationship isn't working... we're both unhappy.

How do I move on when I know he still loves me? When the circumstances of living 1000 miles apart played a main factor in our relationship dissolving. I don't hate him, we work when we're together, but the distance and life drove us apart.

 

I know I have to accept things as they are, but it's so hard when our hearts still want each other.

[Jilly Bean]

I'm sorry for your pain, PG.

 

But, if it helps, it never seemed like this was a very good match. I know people tend to post only the bad on LS, but I got the feeling that the R was fraught with much unhappiness. You seemed to fight a lot and to be upset with him quite often for not meeting your needs. Even your last visit with him seemed to make you very unhappy, as he wasn't interested in sex, and ignored you a bit. Not good stuff.

 

I hope in time you remembering the bad parts will help you move on, and realize this wasn't the right guy, and wasn't the right relationship.

 

Take good care, hon.

[pandagirl]

I'm sorry for your pain, PG.

 

But, if it helps, it never seemed like this was a very good match. I know people tend to post only the bad on LS, but I got the feeling that the R was fraught with much unhappiness. You seemed to fight a lot and to be upset with him quite often for not meeting your needs. Even your last visit with him seemed to make you very unhappy, as he wasn't interested in sex, and ignored you a bit. Not good stuff.

 

I hope in time you remembering the bad parts will help you move on, and realize this wasn't the right guy, and wasn't the right relationship.

 

Take good care, hon.

 

Thanks, JB. I haven't been happy for the last couple of months, that's true. I do deserve more. And part of the reason our break up happened, was because he said he was giving all he could, and it pained him to see me so unhappy all the time.

 

But, it brings me to tears that I feel like he was taken away from me. I know what is meant to be will prevail, but our first months together were so happy and full of love. I know that is the honeymoon period, but we never really got to explore the rest of the relationship in real-life. And now I never will.

[Star Gazer]

I'm sorry to hear about this, PG. Heartbreak sucks major arse.

 

But, it brings me to tears that I feel like he was taken away from me. I know what is meant to be will prevail, but our first months together were so happy and full of love. I know that is the honeymoon period, but we never really got to explore the rest of the relationship in real-life. And now I never will.

 

As much as it hurts, perhaps this can actually give you some solace? You can't really mourn something you never had to begin with.

 

You had a beautiful honeymoon, puppy-dog love type relationship with him. But you didn't lose a real, true relationship with him, because the circumstances prevented you from having one to begin with.

[Jilly Bean]

Thanks, JB. I haven't been happy for the last couple of months, that's true. I do deserve more. And part of the reason our break up happened, was because he said he was giving all he could, and it pained him to see me so unhappy all the time.

 

But, it brings me to tears that I feel like he was taken away from me. I know what is meant to be will prevail, but our first months together were so happy and full of love. I know that is the honeymoon period, but we never really got to explore the rest of the relationship in real-life. And now I never will.

 

 

It's tough. LDR's I don't get. If there is an end date to the separation, I can see it, but otherwise, it seems way too painful and fruitless.

 

I think what you're mourning right now isn't the loss of "what was", but more the loss of what you "hoped" it could have been. So, in a way, you're really losing the illusion, rather than the reality, if that helps sort it out.

[Star Gazer]

I think what you're mourning right now isn't the loss of "what was", but more the loss of what you "hoped" it could have been. So, in a way, you're really losing the illusion, rather than the reality, if that helps sort it out.

 

That's what I was trying to say...

[pandagirl]

I'm sorry to hear about this, PG. Heartbreak sucks major arse.

 

As much as it hurts, perhaps this can actually give you some solace? You can't really mourn something you never had to begin with.

 

You had a beautiful honeymoon, puppy-dog love type relationship with him. But you didn't lose a real, true relationship with him, because the circumstances prevented you from having one to begin with.

 

Aw, thanks SG. It does suck major balls!

 

I'm 32. Old enough to know I will get through this, but this guy... I really thought we could work through anything. He was so solid and strong, and always told me: "Panda, don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. We're going to be together for a long time." I know everyone says those types of thing in a relationship, but he was so stoic, that when he expressed himself like that, it really meant something. He stood by me with my stupid herpes outbreaks and my depressive episodes, unwavering, solid as a rock, never scared.

 

Maybe it was honeymoon. I don't know. But I do know our love was real.

[pandagirl]

It's tough. LDR's I don't get. If there is an end date to the separation, I can see it, but otherwise, it seems way too painful and fruitless.

 

I think what you're mourning right now isn't the loss of "what was", but more the loss of what you "hoped" it could have been. So, in a way, you're really losing the illusion, rather than the reality, if that helps sort it out.

 

The thing is, there was an end date. This Feb/March, but we didn't make it.

 

What you say makes sense. I wanted to recapture the times that were good, and when they got bad, I blamed it on him being over-worked, the distance, my depression, etc. But that is the reality.

[Star Gazer]

I'm sure your love was real, PG. Thing is, I've said this before, and I'll say it again: "Sometimes love just ain't enough."

[pandagirl]

I'm sure your love was real, PG. Thing is, I've said this before, and I'll say it again: "Sometimes love just ain't enough."

 

Ain't that the truth.

 

The thing is, I'm not mad at him, I don't hate him. I understand his reasoning for going through with this. We love each other, but that is not enough. I need to let him go.

 

He's just the first person who knew all the "ugly" part of me, from the very beginning, and accepted me just the way I am and loved me through it.

[Star Gazer]

The thing is, I'm not mad at him, I don't hate him. I understand his reasoning for going through with this. We love each other, but that is not enough. I need to let him go.

 

These are the worst types of breakups. I specifically recall saying to Skiman, "Just last night you told me I was the most important person in the world to you, that you loved me more than anything." And he said, "You were, and you still are."

 

It's hard to end a relationship when those feelings exist.

 

But just because they do, doesn't mean it will work.

 

Your relationship seems like it was the victim of happenstance. Yes, you need to let go, and you DO need to try to move on and not have hope. But honestly, at the same time, I wouldn't totally discount the potential for a reconnection once the expiry date of the distance hits...

 

He's just the first person who knew all the "ugly" part of me, from the very beginning, and accepted me just the way I am and loved me through it.

 

Man, I know the feeling. That's what I had with Skiman.

[pandagirl]

These are the worst types of breakups. I specifically recall saying to Skiman, "Just last night you told me I was the most important person in the world to you, that you loved me more than anything." And he said, "You were, and you still are."

 

It's hard to end a relationship when those feelings exist.

 

But just because they do, doesn't mean it will work.

 

Ugh. That's rough. I told him though: "Your happiness is more important to me than being in this relationship." And it's true. I want him to be happy.

 

Your relationship seems like it was the victim of happenstance. Yes, you need to let go, and you DO need to try to move on and not have hope. But honestly, at the same time, I wouldn't totally discount the potential for a reconnection once the expiry date of the distance hits...

 

I will be fine. I know that. I have a lot of friends, career is starting to look up, and I'm a strong person, so I'm going to move on and not include him in my future... which, as you can relate to, is very hard.

 

If he truly loves me like he says he does, and it is meant to be, maybe when he comes back, we can reconnect. I feel like, if we do, and then it doesn't work out again, I'll really be able to say, we did all we could and it didn't work.

[Hopelesslyforgotten]

I posted this in the LDR forum, but thought it's better suited here, since it is a break up after all.

 

So, my LDR BF and I broke up last night. We met in the same city, dated for two months, fell in love, then a job took him away. Eight months after his move, we broke up last night. The best way I can describe it is: life got in the way and the distance made it worse.

 

He's been kind of lost since he moved, over-worked, no social life, making his mental and emotional state not so great. I noticed him acting distant in the last two months, and it caused me great insecurity and anxiety. Throw everything together, and it got messy and neither of us were happy.

 

After another typical argument between the both of us, he said he needed a break, which I pushed into a break up (a "break" IS a break up). But I'm so heartbroken. He still loves me and I love him, but the way things are, our relationship isn't working... we're both unhappy.

 

How do I move on when I know he still loves me? When the circumstances of living 1000 miles apart played a main factor in our relationship dissolving. I don't hate him, we work when we're together, but the distance and life drove us apart.

 

I know I have to accept things as they are, but it's so hard when our hearts still want each other.

 

Wow! Panda, I feel like we are in the same exact situation! My ex and I just broke up last week...we were together for about a year...and then due to financial difficulties a job also took him away in August. Pretty much the same thing happened to my ex regarding his mental state...which also reflected on how I began to feel...but we never had an exact date to when he'd return to me...which lead to our demise.

 

This is probably the hardest breakup i've ever dealt with, knowing that if it wasn't for the distance...we'd still be together. It is so hard b/c truthfully I don't want to move on...and I know that is probably the WORST mental state I can be in. I know completely how you feel Panda...i'm there with you girl...you're not alone!

 

Are you still talking to him? My ex and I decided last night that NC is the best until we 'cool off' as my ex stated

[threebyfate]

Sorry to hear this panda. I was rooting for the two of you.

[pandagirl]

Sorry to hear this panda. I was rooting for the two of you.

 

Thanks, TBF.

 

I was rooting for us, too, but honestly, things got so mixed up and we're both to blame for the demise of our relationship. We got stuck in a bad cycle and we couldn't get out of it.

 

I don't know what to do. This is the man I thought I would marry. I know that is cliche, but it's true. Do I just go NC and move on, and just let things fall into place? Do I give him space, and approach him with a second chance? Move on without looking back?

 

I know he is stubborn. I also know that this breakup was not planned on his part, since it happened at 2am in the middle of an argument. He was frustrated, things spilled over from previous arguments, and he just kind of snapped and blurted out he needed a "break." Was it wrong for me to make it into a breakup? I am 32. I just feel like at this age, it's either make it work or breakup.

[pandagirl]

Wow! Panda, I feel like we are in the same exact situation! My ex and I just broke up last week...we were together for about a year...and then due to financial difficulties a job also took him away in August. Pretty much the same thing happened to my ex regarding his mental state...which also reflected on how I began to feel...but we never had an exact date to when he'd return to me...which lead to our demise.

 

This is probably the hardest breakup i've ever dealt with, knowing that if it wasn't for the distance...we'd still be together. It is so hard b/c truthfully I don't want to move on...and I know that is probably the WORST mental state I can be in. I know completely how you feel Panda...i'm there with you girl...you're not alone!

 

Are you still talking to him? My ex and I decided last night that NC is the best until we 'cool off' as my ex stated

 

Oh yes. Our situations sound similar! I'm sorry.

 

I think at some point you will want to move on, because you will get tired of waiting for him. I know he loves me, but I am treating this as a breakup.

 

What was your ex's mental state? Mine was just...distant. We were long-distance for eight months, and only together two months prior to that. Things started to get rock about two months ago, prior to that, things were good. But little by little, I saw his head space becoming more and more occupied with what was in front of him, which was work, work and more work, leaving little space for me. To feel like his love was fading for me, though he denied it, caused me great insecurity and anxiety, that I didn't always deal with well. Eventually, his distance and my insecurity was driving our relationship into a dead end. I wish I could have handled it better, but at the same time, he is also responsible for his actions.

 

When he lived here, he still worked a lot, but at least he came home to me every night... I think some people are just better emotionally equipped for a long-distance relationship. God damn, I love him though.

[Hopelesslyforgotten]

In my situation Panda, i've been hanging on to the hope something will work itself out...which is probably against my best interests...but as yourself, I really thought my ex and I were going to get married. We had talked about kids, our house, the whole 9 yards...

 

But with how things just happened with my ex...I would suggest right now go NC to let both of you calm down..give some time to think...and then maybe approach him about everything.

 

I kept in contact with my ex and I think I probably just pushed him away when I really should have just given him some time to think and digest everything that just happened. I think it was the biggest mistake I could have ever done...especially when I want him back.

 

From my perspective, I would go NC...and if you still feel that maybe a second chance is there and is possible...then talk to him..

[Hopelesslyforgotten]

Oh yes. Our situations sound similar! I'm sorry.

 

I think at some point you will want to move on, because you will get tired of waiting for him. I know he loves me, but I am treating this as a breakup.

 

What was your ex's mental state? Mine was just...distant. We were long-distance for eight months, and only together two months prior to that. Things started to get rock about two months ago, prior to that, things were good. But little by little, I saw his head space becoming more and more occupied with what was in front of him, which was work, work and more work, leaving little space for me. To feel like his love was fading for me, though he denied it, caused me great insecurity and anxiety, that I didn't always deal with well. Eventually, his distance and my insecurity was driving our relationship into a dead end. I wish I could have handled it better, but at the same time, he is also responsible for his actions.

 

When he lived here, he still worked a lot, but at least he came home to me every night... I think some people are just better emotionally equipped for a long-distance relationship. God damn, I love him though.

 

Sorry! I didn't see that you replied before I wrote to the other thread haha!

 

My ex was the EXACT same way....I felt him growing distant... he was working horrible hours and was always tired and stressed..I felt the space growing b/w us widening every day...and then I started to panic.

 

I know my panicking probably lead to more of the demise of where I am with him today...and I am definitely not one well-equipped for long distance relationships from the start!

 

On top of him growing distant..We fought over when he was moving back down...it was incredibly frustrating not knowing when I was going to be w/ him again...and then 2 weekends ago we got into another argument about the time frame...and he basically told me that he wasn't going to be happy moving to where I lived. I guess I have to take it as it is...but I think our fighting may have pushed him to that point so I can't help not to feel guilty.

 

It's just incredibly frustrating knowing that distance was the deal breaker and distance caused so much strain on a relationship that was wonderful in every aspect possible.

 

I, unfortunately against my best interests, still have hope. It is one of the worst feelings to be in love with someone but physically incapable to fix the situation

[pandagirl]

In my situation Panda, i've been hanging on to the hope something will work itself out...which is probably against my best interests...but as yourself, I really thought my ex and I were going to get married. We had talked about kids, our house, the whole 9 yards...

 

But with how things just happened with my ex...I would suggest right now go NC to let both of you calm down..give some time to think...and then maybe approach him about everything.

 

I kept in contact with my ex and I think I probably just pushed him away when I really should have just given him some time to think and digest everything that just happened. I think it was the biggest mistake I could have ever done...especially when I want him back.

 

From my perspective, I would go NC...and if you still feel that maybe a second chance is there and is possible...then talk to him..

 

The thing is, I don't want to fight for something that he doesn't want. I was so angry with him when he broke up, telling him why was he giving up on us. I know things need to be fixed, but I couldn't walk away unless we really made an effort, which maybe he doesn't want to.

 

I did all the bad things you do when you break up within the first 8 hours. haha. Texted, called, emailed, then I got a hold of myself. The last thing we said to each other was over IM today. He said it hurt too much to talk me right now, but that obviously we would talk, and just needed a couple of days. Then he told me he loved me. I'm leaving tmrw to go out of town until tuesday, so we said we'd talk when I got back.

 

Honestly, I know he loves me and wants me, but I don't think he can give or is willing to give to this relationship right now. I feel like I've lost him already, so I'm just going to try to move on.

[pandagirl]

Sorry! I didn't see that you replied before I wrote to the other thread haha!

 

My ex was the EXACT same way....I felt him growing distant... he was working horrible hours and was always tired and stressed..I felt the space growing b/w us widening every day...and then I started to panic.

 

I know my panicking probably lead to more of the demise of where I am with him today...and I am definitely not one well-equipped for long distance relationships from the start!

 

On top of him growing distant..We fought over when he was moving back down...it was incredibly frustrating not knowing when I was going to be w/ him again...and then 2 weekends ago we got into another argument about the time frame...and he basically told me that he wasn't going to be happy moving to where I lived. I guess I have to take it as it is...but I think our fighting may have pushed him to that point so I can't help not to feel guilty.

 

It's just incredibly frustrating knowing that distance was the deal breaker and distance caused so much strain on a relationship that was wonderful in every aspect possible.

 

I, unfortunately against my best interests, still have hope. It is one of the worst feelings to be in love with someone but physically incapable to fix the situation

 

Holy cow, this is so what happened to us, down to the planning trips and everything. I think it's OK to have hope, but don't feel guilty. Believe me, I acted in some really childish, crazy girlfriend behavior, but I have to remind myself that it was his repeated actions that caused me to go there. It's take two to stir that pot.

 

Did you guys leave the door open for a possible second chance, how did you leave it?

[Hopelesslyforgotten]

The thing is, I don't want to fight for something that he doesn't want. I was so angry with him when he broke up, telling him why was he giving up on us. I know things need to be fixed, but I couldn't walk away unless we really made an effort, which maybe he doesn't want to.

 

I did all the bad things you do when you break up within the first 8 hours. haha. Texted, called, emailed, then I got a hold of myself. The last thing we said to each other was over IM today. He said it hurt too much to talk me right now, but that obviously we would talk, and just needed a couple of days. Then he told me he loved me. I'm leaving tmrw to go out of town until tuesday, so we said we'd talk when I got back.

 

Honestly, I know he loves me and wants me, but I don't think he can give or is willing to give to this relationship right now. I feel like I've lost him already, so I'm just going to try to move on.

 

I did all the bad things for a week and a half ... and damn do I feel stupid for doing it!

 

Your last paragraph about you not thinking that he can give/or willing to give to the relationship....that is exactly how I feel in my situation. If we stay broken up it's because of my ex...point blank. He knows how badly I want things to work out..which now I realize that I unfortunately have given my ex all the power....(i even told him I would move up there!...Bad bad move!) But I know what you mean feeling like you've already lost him...even though I continue hoping I am starting to feel the same way too. But a couple days of no contact may change everything...there I go again being optimistic even though it's against my best interest! Ugh men! :/

[Hopelesslyforgotten]

Holy cow, this is so what happened to us, down to the planning trips and everything. I think it's OK to have hope, but don't feel guilty. Believe me, I acted in some really childish, crazy girlfriend behavior, but I have to remind myself that it was his repeated actions that caused me to go there. It's take two to stir that pot.

 

Did you guys leave the door open for a possible second chance, how did you leave it?

 

You're completely right! I keep thinking back about how I overracted...but he did have his part in causing that!

 

I really don't know how we left it. Last night after an incident occurred (long story short, his phone 'called' me...heard him w/ another girl...I lost it...he said he was w/ his friend and his friend's wife) he said that it would be in our best interest not to talk right now, to 'cool off' as he said. But then I asked him about his thoughts of getting back together...and he said "i really don't know if we will or won't...but things aren't looking too good". So I replied back (via text) and said "ok well I guess I am going to stop hoping that we will"....and he send me back a text saying "maybe..but like i said i don't know". So he is sending mixed signals. It's like he doesn't want to let me go completely.

 

I think all of the contact that we've had after we broke up really just jaded him right now...i'm going to stick to strict NC but truthfully even though I keep hoping we will figure it out...it's so hard to try to be optimistic when it feels like i'm the only one hoping for everything to be ok.

 

Maybe I should just move on. It sucks though because I just feel like we are not done yet...

[pandagirl]

I did all the bad things for a week and a half ... and damn do I feel stupid for doing it!

 

Your last paragraph about you not thinking that he can give/or willing to give to the relationship....that is exactly how I feel in my situation. If we stay broken up it's because of my ex...point blank. He knows how badly I want things to work out..which now I realize that I unfortunately have given my ex all the power....(i even told him I would move up there!...Bad bad move!) But I know what you mean feeling like you've already lost him...even though I continue hoping I am starting to feel the same way too. But a couple days of no contact may change everything...there I go again being optimistic even though it's against my best interest! Ugh men! :/

 

Don't feel stupid. It happens.

 

I don't think it's bad that you're being optimistic, whether or not you are, won't decide the ultimate outcome, so keep on hoping if you want, but also keep in mind that you don't want to be with someone who can't give you what you need.

 

Give yourself a week off from him. I think you'll be surprised that you'll feel more balanced and not as panicky. I know this is hard, hang in there. It's so heartbreaking when love isn't enough, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you still. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

[Hopelesslyforgotten]

Don't feel stupid. It happens.

 

I don't think it's bad that you're being optimistic, whether or not you are, won't decide the ultimate outcome, so keep on hoping if you want, but also keep in mind that you don't want to be with someone who can't give you what you need.

 

Give yourself a week off from him. I think you'll be surprised that you'll feel more balanced and not as panicky. I know this is hard, hang in there. It's so heartbreaking when love isn't enough, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you still. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

 

Thank you Panda ...you're completely right..

 

I just wish I could just fast-forward this time! I'm going to let him contact me..and if he doesn't, well I guess he doesn't (wow that was hard to say!)

 

It definitely is incredibly heartbreaking when love isn't enough...he told me yesterday that he will always love me and he will never forget about me...but at the same time it is so frustrating hearing that because it's like if he feels that strong for me then what are we doing? I wish love was enough :/

[pandagirl]

You're completely right! I keep thinking back about how I overracted...but he did have his part in causing that!

 

I really don't know how we left it. Last night after an incident occurred (long story short, his phone 'called' me...heard him w/ another girl...I lost it...he said he was w/ his friend and his friend's wife) he said that it would be in our best interest not to talk right now, to 'cool off' as he said. But then I asked him about his thoughts of getting back together...and he said "i really don't know if we will or won't...but things aren't looking too good". So I replied back (via text) and said "ok well I guess I am going to stop hoping that we will"....and he send me back a text saying "maybe..but like i said i don't know". So he is sending mixed signals. It's like he doesn't want to let me go completely.

 

I think all of the contact that we've had after we broke up really just jaded him right now...i'm going to stick to strict NC but truthfully even though I keep hoping we will figure it out...it's so hard to try to be optimistic when it feels like i'm the only one hoping for everything to be ok.

 

Maybe I should just move on. It sucks though because I just feel like we are not done yet...

 

I don't think your ex is happy with the break up. I'm sure it hurts him, too, and he misses you. He's probably confused -- knows the breakup is for the best, but doesn't want to lose you either. When he says "I don't know," he probably really doesn't know. Don't talk to him for a bit. Both of you need some time to yourself. When you're more clearheaded, you can talk about your relationship more calmly.

 

I don't feel like my ex and I are done yet, but I have to act like it is for now. He made the choice to let me go. I know he loves me and I know under the right circumstances, we do work amazingly. It sucks. It's killing me not to call him right now for our goodnight phone call...