ldybg51 Posted February 20, 2004 Share Posted February 20, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=green][/color] What I did... Set up two phones one room that are on same phone line. Suprise your spouse or boyfriend when they get thier with these instructions. Call so-and so right now and have a conversation with her. Have a notpad right there in case you want him or her to say something to this other person you will need to write it down. DO NOT let them give you away in anyway before the truth comes out. Have a game plan in mind as to how you want the conversation to go. Something not overly suspicious that will bring out the truth. I made my husband say this "She is getting suspicious of me cheating what should I do. I need to tell her something but I dont know what to say" Then the other person should spill the beans. Do not let the spouse leave the room under any circumstances before he makes the call. especially if he owns a cell phone. You should only do this if you definitely want to find out and prepare yourself for the truth and decide how you want the relationship to go after this. In my case I forgave him with conditions, he did not meet those conditions and I left him because I felt he must not love me if he does not care enough to meet these very small desires. I just wanted him to be more romatic and show me that he loved me and he not once even called just to say I love You or bought me a card or even picked me a flower. Obviously this only works if you know a specific person (my case) or have a cell phone number called frequently (most cases) Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 20, 2004 Share Posted February 20, 2004 They might not do what you say, and will sayyou don't trust them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldybg51 Posted February 20, 2004 Author Share Posted February 20, 2004 [font=century gothic][/font][color=olive][/color] I told him to get on the phone and do it right then or I would walk out the door and not look back. I was very serious and he knew it. Also If it has gotten to the point where you have a specific number or person to call then you probably shouldnt trust them. And if you were wrong then you will have no doubts. You want constantly be wondering and trying to catch things, that will end a reltionship quicker than anything. And I think that if you are wrong and they are mad then it is time to explain why you felt the way you did and try to fix that problem. My ex husband was cheating and I knew it in my gut. He denied it up untill the other girl said hello. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 20, 2004 Share Posted February 20, 2004 I wouldn't ever need proof. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted February 20, 2004 Share Posted February 20, 2004 So now what? You got him to admit he was cheating, what do you do now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldybg51 Posted February 20, 2004 Author Share Posted February 20, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=green][/color] We talked about us and our problems and how we could try to work on things. In my case It had happened months earlier, ( i got him to get her to say that) and only two times. I forgave him and we tried to move on. I actually did succeed in getting past that with his help but then I ended up leaving him because he went back to his old ways. Not the cheating but just the not showing me he loved me EVER. After I left him he really realized he loved me I am sure of this now, but it was too late, I wasnt in love with him anymore. I told him not to even try that it would push me further away and he took me on my word. I was already having feelings for someone else then though or Im sure I would have let him try and we would have succeeded in falling back in love. I really really loved him at one time and he is someone I missed (even with this other guy) for a while and still do sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldybg51 Posted February 20, 2004 Author Share Posted February 20, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=green][/color] The day of our divorce we talked and realized there was a lot of misscommunication (during our split) that caused some of our problems. Link to post Share on other sites
SeanJones Posted February 20, 2004 Share Posted February 20, 2004 I would not tolerate a partner who needed that amount of power over me. I hope you take some responsibility for your own obvious unhappiness and control issues. He should not have cheated, that's a given, but your method of "discovery" indicates a much deeper rooted problem. Please get help immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted February 20, 2004 Share Posted February 20, 2004 You just know. You don't need any more 'proof' than the loss of trust, intimacy, and that feeling Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldybg51 Posted February 21, 2004 Author Share Posted February 21, 2004 [font=century gothic][/font][color=green][/color] I will try not to be rude to that very rude comment. NO, I do not need help. I do not have controll issues and your opinion is OBVIOUSLY very uneducated simply because you read a post about one persons method of getting the truth. Especially since it is a relationship you know nothing about and two people you know nothing about. I cannot tell you the kind of person i am in a post on a website and would appreciate if you never try to make that kind of assumption again. The posts that I have read on this website I have yet to come across one so rude and assuming and would offer you this advice: Dont advise ANYONE to get help unless they are threating SUICIDE, you are not a doctor. I had a husband that I loved very much but seemed to be cheating on me with my best friend. My Deepseated doubts proved to be true when I found out the only way I could since when I asked him honestly he denied it. There are no deep rooted problems except the fact that he had cheated on me and then let guilt ruin our marriage. And please try not to reply if you are going to make excuses for your uneducated review of my psychology. That is not what people are asking for on this site they are asking for help with and advice from someone who may have been through what they are going through. A very dark confusing emotional turbulent confusing hurting confusing painful confusing time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldybg51 Posted February 21, 2004 Author Share Posted February 21, 2004 [font=courier new][/font][color=olive][/color] And for those who say "you dont need proof...etc" I guess some of us do. I had doubts. Here I am wondering if im just crazy jealous and creating things in my own mind or if it is happening and im just trying to deny it. I was so scared and really was not positive if he was or I was just crazy. I had to know the truth because I knew that if we could get past that then we could try to work our issues out and move on. And if I didnt find out the truth I would have kept asking and he would have kept denying until we both just went crazy and probably created severe emotional issues in each other over the years. Maybe I dont know, But I did need my proof for my own reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Originally posted by ldybg51 The posts that I have read on this website I have yet to come across one so rude and assuming and would offer you this advice: Dont advise ANYONE to get help unless they are threating SUICIDE, you are not a doctor. What a funny thing to say. Plenty of non-suicidal people need help, and if they weren't told that they should seek it, they'd likely never SEE a doctor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldybg51 Posted February 21, 2004 Author Share Posted February 21, 2004 Okay, suicide may not be the only reason but we are not the right people to advise people to seek help unless it is so obvious every reader on here sees it in the many posts of a person. NOT in a simple post about how I found out my spouse was cheating..... they are asking for help with and advice from someone who may have been through what they are going through. A very dark confusing emotional turbulent confusing hurting confusing painful confusing time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldybg51 Posted February 21, 2004 Author Share Posted February 21, 2004 [font=century gothic][/font][color=olive][/color] Sorry wasnt finished... What Im trying to say with the 1000 mentions of confusing is that a breakup is a very confusing time and people react in 1000 different ways. It is not very funny that I mention that in reference to his post considering he told me to get help in my life and he knows nothing about me from my one simple post. Dyer, please go back and read both post and understand the context of what I was saying to sean about HIS not offering people help. He obviously doesnt know when to and when not to. Link to post Share on other sites
feeling silly Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 I will have to agree with ldybg51 on the needing proof issue. Sometimes we have to know without a doubt.......otherwise we'd live in that "what if" crap. I've been in the position of not knowing and some of us just need to know for sure. As for the whole phone idea, that's a good one. I see it as drawing out the truth. It is not a bad thing to find out the truth. When I discoverd my ex's affair, my methods were somewhat similar. I told him that I already knew about it, that she had called me and told me everything (a lie), I then gave him the option to tell me his side of the story. I wouldn't tolerate lies, or I would walk out the door. If he told me the whole truth then we could go for counceling (another lie). He confessed and I left anyway. Sometimes it's necesary to play nasty for the sake of your own sanity. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Originally posted by ldybg51 Dyer, please go back and read both post and understand the context of what I was saying to sean about HIS not offering people help. He obviously doesnt know when to and when not to. I did read the post. I think you have the right to ignore advice, not condemn it. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 I wouldn't ever need proof. I would certainly hope that anyone who would accuse anyone of anything would have the decency to ensure their assumption was correct by obtaining proof. Even the worst criminals are afforded that courtesy. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme I wouldn't ever need proof. I would certainly hope that anyone who would accuse anyone of anything would have the decency to ensure their assumption was correct by obtaining proof. Oh Moimeme, queen of taking that 'extra step' The thing about infidelity is, to me, and this is a value assessment, I don't care about penetration. Infidelity would mean nothing to me if it didn't hurt OUR relationship emotionally. If, paradoxically, she could be unfaithful without it entering her mind at all (I know it's impossible, but I'm just saying), it wouldn't affect our relationship. If I notice that there are problems in the relationship commonly associated with infidelity, I would work on the relationship. If she was unwilling to communicate/work, I could care less if she was boinking another man, or if I had proof. I'm not Sherlock Holmes, I don't need to 'catch' her, I need to focus on my relationship with her. If she's unfaithful, the relationship would fail, because she would withdraw, and I'd notice. I wouldn't call her a whore, or jump to conclusions, I wouldn't even care what the conclusions were--I'd just see the relationship as a failure, and move on from there. Even the worst criminals are afforded that courtesy. Hmm, I envy Canada. In our country we just keep them in Cuba. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 queen of taking that 'extra step' Which 'extra step' would that be? she's unfaithful, the relationship would fail, because she would withdraw, and I'd notice So many people deceive themselves into thinking they'd know. However some spouses are excellent at acting exactly the same, or enough so that the suspicion seems foolish. People can also withdraw or behave oddly for any number of reasons, only one being that they are having an affair. This is why most people seek to confirm their suspicions with proof. You haven't lived with someone, Dyer. You do have a lot of insight, but you really don't get what it can be like living with a person long-term and how the relationship can ebb and flow for many reasons. It is simply not that cut-and-dried. But you have plenty of years to find that out for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldybg51 Posted February 22, 2004 Author Share Posted February 22, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=olive][/color] I did read the post. I think you have the right to ignore advice, not condemn it. Well, Obviously if someone is going to accuse me of being crazy in not so many words and tell me I need help after reading THAT post then I will condemn it. I dont know maybe its just me but I dont take kindly to being told I need help when there was no reason whatsoever for his rude reply. Thats about like me reading your reply to moimeme and saying Gees Dyer thats just a load of crap, did you read your post, Dude you have issues, You should go talk to a doctor Tomorrow. How would that have made you feel? And If it wouldnt have made you even a little angry for someone to react that way then you are a lot more calm than I. Anyway enough about the darn post. Im tired of talking about it Link to post Share on other sites
Author ldybg51 Posted February 22, 2004 Author Share Posted February 22, 2004 [font=century gothic][/font][color=olive][/color] A real comment on the original context of the post: I believe that after you have tried to communicate/work on the relationship and that fails and you still have an feeling that something is going on here that just isnt right then you try to see if your suspicions are correct. In this case there would be difference in trying to CONFIRM you suspicions as apposed to hoping they are wrong but needing to find out. And you dont just suppose a Marriage is a failure and just move on from there. You do everything in your power to try to make it last. And if you do go into marriage with the attitude that "well if it doesnt work we can just move on then it may never get past ground zero. Link to post Share on other sites
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