shallz Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 hey, first time poster, but Ive been reading through some of the threads and there is a lot of good advice here. A lot of advice I wish I knew before I made some bad choices. So, long story short, gf of 6 months ends it, saying we need a break. This was Aug 1, I asked her a couple days later is this a break or are we breaking up? Obviously the answer was breaking up. I was fine with it at first b/c we werent getting along that well at the time, but then I lost control of my emotions and for pretty much the whole month of August I was texting her about why and how its a mistake, and got drunk and insulted her. I pretty much made myself look desperate and pathetic. Hung out with her after all that at her place, we were both drunk, had a blast fooled around a little bit (2 weeks ago). It was a terrible idea b/c she wouldnt return my calls over the weekend, so I texted her a bunch of insults. Turns out her phone was dead (so she says). I tlaked to her that following Monday and told her I embarrassed I was about how I reacted about the break up and the insults and how I didnt really mean any of them. Also, I told her that I dont want to hang around waiting for her to want to get back together when its not going to happen and that we shouldnt talk or hang out for awhile. She said not to worry about the texts or how I reacted and that she had been there before, its not a big deal. The conversation ends with her saying "well im around here (meaning town) so" followed by "talk soon". I felt very relieved, but also feel like I ruined any chance of her wanting to see me or get back together b/c of how immature I acted. Texted her on sunday that I moved into my new place and that she should check it out sometime, no response as of today. I know I should go NC but how long do I wait before I call or text? SHould I even bother? Will she call or text me? I dont know why I let her get to me b/c I broke it off with her a month before. it just sucks being the dumpee and letting your emotions get the better of you.
leftfield Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Texted her on sunday that I moved into my new place and that she should check it out sometime, no response as of today. I know I should go NC but how long do I wait before I call or text? SHould I even bother? Will she call or text me? This proved to her that you are still on 'the hook', and that she can see you whenever she wants, or not - the choice is entirely hers. You may have shot yourself in the foot a little bit there, but never mind, what's done is done. You're right, you should go NC, but not for the purpose of making her want to contact you (which may happen, but it may not). Go NC for you, to give yourself time to get over the relationship. Some of your recent behaviour may have put a wedge between you, so if there is going to be any chance of reconciliation, which I'm sorry to say is always a long shot anyway, you need to back off now and sort yourself out. There is no minimum wait time here, just leave it until she gets in touch with you, and if she wants to talk about getting back together, she will let you know. I dont know why I let her get to me b/c I broke it off with her a month before. it just sucks being the dumpee and letting your emotions get the better of you. If you broke it off with her prior to her breaking it off with you then I think a lot of your NC will simply serve to help you repair your bruised ego, which is where a lot that pain you're feeling probably stems from. It does suck being the dumpee, but hey, you did that to her too remember! A lot of people here are hurting not just because they're the dumpee rather than the dumper, but because they are genuinely in a lot of emotional pain after losing someone they were in love with. Did you love her, honestly? I don't want to disparage your right to feel hurt here, I do understand that you're feeling pain and that sucks, it is horrible being dumped no matter what the circumstances. But there is no shame in getting dumped, it happens to a lot of people, so ask yourself this; do I really want to get back with this girl because I love her, or do I just want to re-take the position of power. Stick with NC and I think that question will answer itself in time anyway, but either way you can't 'get her back'. She has to want to come back.
Don Ho Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 I know I should go NC but how long do I wait before I call or text? SHould I even bother? Will she call or text me? I dont know why I let her get to me b/c I broke it off with her a month before. it just sucks being the dumpee and letting your emotions get the better of you. Well, you fcked that one up good you big pussy. Kidding. Sorta. We have all been there bro. NOW that you did all that, you're going to have to go NC a minimum of TWO months. NO you do not call or text and no you do not even bother. HA! Yes, you always want what you can't have and what you have you don't want. That's human nature. Seriously, DO NOT contact her and if she contacts you, then you better only respond IF she says "I made a mistake, I miss you and I want to come over and bang you". Show us you're not a pussy bro. MOVE ON.
leftfield Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Well, you fcked that one up good you big pussy. Kidding. Sorta. We have all been there bro. NOW that you did all that, you're going to have to go NC a minimum of TWO months. NO you do not call or text and no you do not even bother. HA! Yes, you always want what you can't have and what you have you don't want. That's human nature. Seriously, DO NOT contact her and if she contacts you, then you better only respond IF she says "I made a mistake, I miss you and I want to come over and bang you". Show us you're not a pussy bro. MOVE ON. You're not beating around the bush today Don Ho! That's some straight-talking, upfront, mano-a-mano advice right there. Heed these words OP.
Don Ho Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 You're not beating around the bush today Don Ho! That's some straight-talking, upfront, mano-a-mano advice right there. Heed these words OP. Left: did you pee in my latte this morning!? Well, I try to be supportive and empathetic, but WTF am I suppose to say to do that .... "Gee, I can understand how you're feeling, I'm sorry you're hurting, please tell my how I can help you feel better"? I'm not fckn Dr. Laura! LOL. I guess you can call it a bit of tough love. I do not and would not dismiss their anguish and misery. Seriously, Shallz, I do empathize with you because I have been in the same boat and done the same things in the past. It sucks to be in this position. I'm not trying to be a prick, but to be helpful. I don't think coddling you is very productive. Most guys turn into pussies after a while in a relationship and then they wonder WHY their GF lost interest, lost attraction to them, dumped them and started acting the way the do. If a guy doesn't see or recognize the real problem (acting like a girlie man) then they can't start to rebuild themselves into the man that attracted their GF in the first place and have no shot in reconciling. I agree with what Leftfield said about what you should do. Move on bro. It gets better.
leftfield Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Left: did you pee in my latte this morning!? Well, I try to be supportive and empathetic, but WTF am I suppose to say to do that .... "Gee, I can understand how you're feeling, I'm sorry you're hurting, please tell my how I can help you feel better"? I'm not fckn Dr. Laura! LOL. I guess you can call it a bit of tough love. I do not and would not dismiss their anguish and misery. I like your approach Don Ho, we've got 'good-cop-bad-cop' going on, haha. We need some no nonsense opinions on here. In fact I'm going to take a bit of your advice and be a man about this. I've let myself become f***** over by feelings and emotion for a woman that doesn't deserve another ounce of my energy. I was like a lost boy caught in the headlights when I saw my ex at the weekend. Next time I see her (which will inevitably happen at some point in my town) I will do everything possible to make sure I am a man. Head high, self-assured, and completely over that silly girl that didn't know what she had. You need to do the same OP. (by the way I have no idea who Dr Laura is)
Author shallz Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 (edited) Well, you fcked that one up good you big pussy. Kidding. Sorta. We have all been there bro. NOW that you did all that, you're going to have to go NC a minimum of TWO months. NO you do not call or text and no you do not even bother. HA! Yes, you always want what you can't have and what you have you don't want. That's human nature. Seriously, DO NOT contact her and if she contacts you, then you better only respond IF she says "I made a mistake, I miss you and I want to come over and bang you". Show us you're not a pussy bro. MOVE ON. dude, youre right. i acted like a femme and so embarrassed by it, but she did say not to worry about and its no big deal. it really sucks wondering what she's doing, who she's with and when ill talk/see her again if I do. I have no idea if she thinks about me or wonders if what she did was a mistake or if she wants to call, but wont b/c i said i need to do my own thing for awhile and move on. does she call again or text? She told me she is happier alone and doesnt want to be with anyone, so I highly doubt she is with someone, but you never know and thats the worst part. when i saw her 2 weeks ago she told me shes obviously not with anyone b/c she was hanging out with me. she said she lost those feelings for me and better as friends, but says im hot and hates how she is still so attracted to me. 2 months of NC seems like forever, i wonder if ill contact her after 2 months or if shell contact me before that. im a very impatient person btw Edited September 1, 2010 by shallz
Don Ho Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 she said she lost those feelings for me and better as friends, but says im hot and hates how she is still so attracted to me. Shallz, I am always pleased whenever I tell an OP the truth, that he was a pussy, and they don't take offense to it. Actually I've never had any guys on here disagree with me that they acted like a pussy. Anyway, of course she said it was "ok" that you acted like a girlie man, that's cuz she's treating you like one of her emotionally-filled girlfriends! How does that feel bro? Did your balls just shrink some more knowing what she thinks about you? Ok, in this case her "womaneze" was not "I want to go bang another guy" it was simply "I want to be single and not with you because I would rather be alone than with you and I want to be single in case I find a guy I want to bang". Ouch. I'm not sure which is worse. Of course she also said the dreaded "I don't feel the same", "I'm not sure how I feel" and so on. What that means is that I care about you but I don't feel "in love" with you because you're not acting like a MAN. Here's the important part about all of this: she lost more and more interest in you because you starting acting more and more like a pussy. She says you'd be better off as friends cuz she feels you're like one of her GFs, not a MAN. The good news for you: she thinks you're hot and is still physically attracted to you! But here's the thing: while she's physically attracted to you, she is not "attracted" to you "that way" because you don't act like a MAN! Get it? You might have a shot with this one if you do absolutely NC. That is the only way she might start to think you're a MAN. When or if she contacts you, then you remember YOU are a man and you get back to her when you're ready and you will let her chase you. DO NOT bleed all over, cry, beg, rush to meet her, start contacting her all the time, send her flowers or gifts and all that BS IF she contacts you. Remember what my signature says: the one that cares the least CONTROLS the relationship! That doesn't mean that you have to be an uncaring ********* (as some have misguidedly told me on here) it means you want her to care slightly more than she cares for you. What you want is to be in control of the relationship. I don't care if you love her 95% as long as she loves you 105% get it? You ALWAYS want the balance of power in your favor. Remember, a MAN keeps the relationship in control (even though he MIGHT let his woman think different) and keeps his power. That is why you NEVER get too head-over-heals for them or place them on a high pedestal and idealize them. BTW you better learn some patience or you're not going to have any luck with her. Let me guess, you're quick in the bedroom too? LOL. Women are attracted to MEN. That means controlling your emotions and having patience. Yes, bro 2 months NC because you acted like such a pussy and that's the only way you'll even begin to tip the power back your direction. Dr. Laura? LOL. Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a famous radio talk show host in the States. I just used her as an example because most therapists want you know "how does that make you feel" and want you to share your feelings with the other person. Guess I prefer not to sugar coat the truth too much. Yes stick with my previous advice I posted here. Ok. That was a long write for me and I'm going to take a nap. LOL. Re-read what I just wrote about 20 times and really think about it until you start to "get it" and it sinks in. Keep us posted.
Author shallz Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 absolutely right-I definitely acted like a b*itch during that month long period, but she also said she had been feeling that way for a couple of weeks before(when I wasnt acting like that). she brought up the whole, "where is this going" nonsense and "doent see us together". time tables and reasons dont matter now b/c what's done is done, but Im just curious if ill talk to her again ya know? which brings up 2 months of NC, by that time she could be completely moved on and w/ another guy. i dont see how that helps me. im not going to contact her again, its been 3 days since i made contact like i mentioned before and it is much better to not text then to send one and not get a response. i want to bring the power back, i want to ignore her text or call for a few days or week. and have her wonder wtf im doing instead of me wondering what shes doing. don ho-not quick in the bedroom. actually she said i was the best sex she'd ever had. she's in her early 30s. that was the biggest thing for us breaking up, the sex being so good. i dont know if she'll call/text again. i think its done.
PegNosePete Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 she said i was the best sex she'd ever had Sorry to burst your bubble dude. They all say that.
Author shallz Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 (edited) Sorry to burst your bubble dude. They all say that. i knew someone would say that. there was no reason for her to say that, i didnt ask how it was. it was a totally random comment out of the blue and she had told me on numerous occasions. even after we broke up she said it, so i disagree with you. dont rain on my parade pete. im believing it. and believe me, im old enough to know when someone is saying something that they want me to hear and not mean, so. the sex has nothing to do with the situation im in, lets move on,. Edited September 2, 2010 by shallz
Don Ho Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 (edited) Here's the deal bro: you have to ACCEPT that it's over and start to rebuild yourself and your life. You're right, there's no point guessing and analyzing why she broke up, but I just wanted to point out that if you're like most of us, we tend to start to act less like men as we go along in a relationship and that leads them to lose attraction for us ... and they dump us or find someone new. Just a point for you to think about for your future GF and something you should work on. I said 2 months because you are still way too emotional at this point. You need to improve yourself and get busy with your life. Also, I don't want to burst your bubble, but she may not come back. NO, chasing her or contacting her in a week or two WILL NOT help you. It will be counter productive. As you said, she may not respond or if she does she may tell you sh$$ty things you don't want to hear. Plus it will only put you back at square one and you will start this crazy cycle all over again. The ONLY possibility of her missing you and you tipping the power scale back your direction is NC and her contacting YOU. It doesn't work if you contact her. It may not work at all. Again, you must believe and come to terms with the fact that it is over. Letting go completely is the key. You have to release that energy so she might come back around OR a new one will fall in your lap. You cannot hold onto the idea that if you wait she will come back. DO NOT fool yourself into thinking if you wait a few days or week it will miraculously change. It could be two months, it could be six months, it could be three years. As for the quick in the bedroom comment, bro, that was just a poke at you to explain you have to have patience with this situation and control your emotions. I was kidding with if you can't exercise patience with all of this then you must not be able to exercise "patience" in the sack. LOL. Edited September 2, 2010 by Don Ho
Author shallz Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 right again. there is nothing i can possibly do, except live my life and not contact her. even tho she prob doesnt care that im not contacting her, it makes me feel better. no need to relive that rollercoaster ride i had for a month. she knows how to get in touch with me one way or another, but I doubt she will. a part of wants her to, but a part of me doesnt. im going back to who i was before i met her. ill keep you posted if i hear anything.
Don Ho Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Absolutely correct Bro. It will not make you feel better if you contact her. Maybe you should read some threads from guys on here that I have done that. They were cussed out, told nasty things they did not want to hear, felt like they got kicked in the stomach, wanted to throw up and had to start back at square one. DO NOT do that. Please DO NOT contact her. If she contacts you, WAIT. Come on here and get some advice before you respond. You're response should be a minimum of 5-6 hours and much preferably 2-3 days. You will have plenty of time to get advice here. Remember: haste makes waste. That is, when you rush into something, like responding to her, you will undoubtedly say and do the wrong thing. Exactly, get back to the man you were before. Another member is cleaning up physically so he feels better about himself: clean shaven, body wash, bought new clothes, puts gel in his hair .... you get it. You know what? That little effort of looking good for HIMSELF has made him feel much better about HIMSELF. All without talking to his Ex and going through all that anguish. Improve your appearance, go work out, hang with friends, go buy new clothes. Regain your confidence, be the man you were, move on with your life.
Author shallz Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 so, i got a text from her on saturday night and she wants to come over today or tomorrow to see my place. not sure what im going to say when i see her.
Shakz Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 so, i got a text from her on saturday night and she wants to come over today or tomorrow to see my place. not sure what im going to say when i see her. Well then, don't worry about it. I'd go back to square one and try to forget all the recent drama. Whatever you do no more apologizing and try to control your temper. Just have fun.
Don Ho Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 so, i got a text from her on saturday night and she wants to come over today or tomorrow to see my place. not sure what im going to say when i see her. Ha! See how that works? Do you think you can keep your emotions in check and NOT talk about the relationship?
Author shallz Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 im not going to talk about the relationship or any of **** ive done since it ended. and im not going to ask her anything personal about what shes been up to. what i will do is keep it cool and pretend that we dont have a past. suggestions?
Don Ho Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 im not going to talk about the relationship or any of **** ive done since it ended. and im not going to ask her anything personal about what shes been up to. what i will do is keep it cool and pretend that we dont have a past. suggestions? Yep. Go read the first page of Nuala's thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190782/. If she brings up the relationship, change the subject or tell her "hey I just want to keep this light. we can talk about that some other time". Be a man and show her you're ok with the past and it's done. Keep us posted!
Author shallz Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 Good stuff in there-I will definitely follow those guidelines. I'm really curious to see if she will even call today or tomorrow to come by, thats the first step. Im also curious WHY she wants to, I mean I know I asked her to, but if she wanted nothing to do with me or not want to see me, she wouldnt come by. Dont know what her intentions are. Maybe she just wants to see my place.
Don Ho Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Great job Bro!! Yep, I bet she's wondering who she just spent time with! LOL. Glad you kept your emotions in check. It sounds like it went well. Right, let her contact you. I think for your next "meeting" I would not have her stop by your place, I would take her to the Baseball game where you guys can have fun and NOT talk about anything. Try not to get into conversations about the relationship even if she brings it up. Avoid the "relationship talk" trap. I would probably have her meet you there (unless it's really close to your house) so that there's less possibility of talking too much. Make sure you tell her you have plans after the game. Do not continue the "date" after the game no matter how well it goes. Do not have her come back to your place even if she suggests it. Best for you to end the date and to leave her wanting. Keep us posted!
Author shallz Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 It's going to be tough to not break contact, but I'm going to do it this time. It's the mature thing to do, no more acting like a b&tch. It seems like last night was a fresh start, so I'd like to keep everything on how terms were left last ngiht and her impression of me. Would love to know what she is really thinking right now? Did she make a mistake, is she going to contact me again etc? Or maybe I'm just reading into it too much? I dont know.
nevertoolate Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 shallz - I'm so impressed with how you handled this. Way to go, keeping your cool.....coming back to LS for advice then following it. Nice. Don Ho - I loved your advice for shallz. Any idea if there is someone on here who gives advice in a similar style but for women?? I'd like to read some of his/her posts.
Author shallz Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 shallz - I'm so impressed with how you handled this. Way to go, keeping your cool.....coming back to LS for advice then following it. Nice. Don Ho - I loved your advice for shallz. Any idea if there is someone on here who gives advice in a similar style but for women?? I'd like to read some of his/her posts. nevertoolate, thanks, it actually wasnt that hard to be honest. im assuming youre a female, any thoughts on what she's thinking? i talked to another female about what occurred last night and they seem to think that my ex is thinking she may ahve made a mistake and will definitely contact me to hang out again. she said based on what she said "she wants to see you again and might try and get back with you, but very slowly".
Don Ho Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 It's going to be tough to not break contact, but I'm going to do it this time. It's the mature thing to do, no more acting like a b&tch. It seems like last night was a fresh start, so I'd like to keep everything on how terms were left last ngiht and her impression of me. Would love to know what she is really thinking right now? Did she make a mistake, is she going to contact me again etc? Or maybe I'm just reading into it too much? I dont know. Right on Bro! NOW you're not just getting it, you're living it! Do not break contact for YOU and because you have to demonstrate that you are different. She will be testing you to see if you have really changed or it's just a front, if there's a little wuss waiting to get out again, so be prepared. I would guess you got her scratching her head, but I don't think you should focus on that. Continue to focus on you and your game plan if you see her again.
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