Having an Affair vrs. Telling of it?

[YellowShark]

...my exH wanted to talk about reconciling and suggested he move in with me in my new place. Told me he loved me, was sorry for treating me badly, for mistreating the dogs, had time to think about how to change and blah, blah, blah...and sure enough, there was emails from another woman. I printed them off and put them in my purse. He comes over, gives his crap speech and done. I pulled out the emails and asked for an explanation about that. He lost it and was stunned I had found them.

 

The cheater will say ANYTHING to get what they want. That's why they are sick and narcissistic. They really don't care about the truth or your feelings... only covering their own butts.

 

And their affair partner will enable the cheater's narcissism by agreeing with anything they say. Which feeds the "he/she gets/understands me" crap that the cheater uses to rationalize their betrayal/affair.

 

Generally the cheater will also demonize their significant other to their affair partner to defend what is indefensible, and the affair partner will mimic this... and that why so many cheaters fall for the bullsh*t "he/she's my true soulmate" crap.

 

Yet, exactly when did my xH ever truly sat down and expressed this? Never. I know... I know... I was supposed to read his mind and watch his actions.

 

If he was a REAL man with honor and dignity he would have sat you down and COMMUNICATED with you in a HEALTHY way. People can't read minds.

Edited September 1, 2010 by YellowShark

[confusedinkansas]

) If there are problems in your marriage/relationship then sit down with your significant other and TELL THEM why you are unhappy.. like an adult. This is a HEALTHY way to deal with these issues, by communicating with the person who loves and trusts you.

 

A lot easier said than done. Which is why I believe that there are so many people out there having affairs. (I know that's not what this thread is about - but just thought I'd comment anyway)

[BeagleGal]

I totally agree with you on this. Back then, I didnt really understand how the exH could want me back but be carrying on with this other woman. I didn't really "get" what affairs were about and only thought they were about sex and nothing else - again, was young and he was my first serious adult relationship. And not only that, had I not found those emails, he would've kept quiet about it had we worked things out. The only "credit" I give him is that when I did confront him with the emails, he did tell me about the what/who/how/how long...

 

With my exSO his level of deceit was just unreal and uncomparable to my exH. Like I said earlier, my exSO just lied, lied, lied even when confronted with facts. After we had broken up, already fully involved with someone else and her being pregnant, had the nerve to tell me that "we'd still go on dates, that he'd still see me lots when I move to my new place and how he couldn't see why down the road we couldn't buy a bigger house for his son and my dog". Un-f*cking-real. Still feeding me bullsh*t and false hope while living another life already.

 

My exH was an as*hole and an idiot but my exSO was and is narcissistc and just so devious, so manipulative. He feels no ways in who he uses and hurts.

 

The cheater will say ANYTHING to get what they want. That's why they are sick and narcissistic. They really don't care about the truth or your feelings... only covering their own butts.

 

And their affair partner will enable the cheater's narcissism by agreeing with anything they say. Which feeds the "he/she gets/understands me" crap that the cheater uses to rationalize their betrayal/affair.

 

Generally the cheater will also demonize their significant other to their affair partner to defend what is indefensible, and the affair partner will mimic this... and that why so many cheaters fall for the bullsh*t "he/she's my true soulmate" crap.

 

 

 

If he was a REAL man with honor and dignity he would have sat you down and COMMUNICATED with you in a HEALTHY way. People can't read minds.

[Mimolicious]

A lot easier said than done. Which is why I believe that there are so many people out there having affairs. (I know that's not what this thread is about - but just thought I'd comment anyway)

 

 

But it's easier to boink with someone else, walk into your house hug your kids and kiss your S.... right!

[YellowShark]

A lot easier said than done. Which is why I believe that there are so many people out there having affairs. (I know that's not what this thread is about - but just thought I'd comment anyway)

 

What is really so hard about asking your significant other to "sit down and let's have a chat?" I just did it in 7 words.

 

Then, when you do sit down, you talk to them in a calm, loving, and friendly manner and say, "Honey, I am unhappy with some aspects of our relationship and here's why...." Then you close your explanation with, "What can WE do together to fix it?"

 

That is sooooooooo much easier than having an affair, sneaking around, deleting texts of your phone, lying to your spouse about where you are and what you are doing, creating alternate email accounts, hiding cell phone bills, and destroying the people who care for you - (like your partner, and maybe even your children.)

 

That is why cheaters are toxic, lazy, and narcissistic.

[Confused4Now]

Is it another example of narcissistic behavior?

I think it is when it becomes a consistent pattern in a person(serial cheaters). For the one time person who might have fallen into a situation and learned from it and no longer does it I'd say no.

[BeagleGal]

When I think back to the sh*t my exSO did, not only to me but to his kid while he was f*cking around, it truly does break my heart. I mean, lets forget about me for a sec here, but how his son must have felt to watch his dad go out every night, not seeing me and his dad together anymore (this is shortly after we broke up and just before I had to move out). THe one incident that sticks out of my head was when I told my exSO that I had made dinner plans with my parents so he could have the house to himself and spend time with his son, as he'd been going out every single night as soon as we broke up. His son asked his dad why he kept going out and his idiot father said "daddy just has to take care of some things". Anyways, so I go have dinner with my parents the next night, just as I was leaving their place, I check my phone and see this text telling me "he can't stand being in the house, he has to go out and has told [his son's name] that he's leaving and for me to take my time". I couldnt believe it. He actually had left his own 9 year old son home alone so he can bang the new girl. Sick, sick, sick. Just like my friend said when I first told her about it "something is definitely going on if he can't bring his own child with him".

 

Anyways, sorry, totally off topic. I was just responding to the last part of your quote: "and destroying the people who care for you - (like your partner, and maybe even your children.)

 

That is why cheaters are toxic, lazy, and narcissistic."

 

I think even given the chance my exSO wouldnt have sat me down and told me about the new girl he was involved with. There's no way. I think this is a pattern with him that I found out about too late unfortunately. He screwed over his son's mom back in the day, another girl he dated for a couple of years, me and now I think its only a matter of time he does the same to his new wife. He even admitted to me after we broke up and we were talking how "he wants it all, he does want his cake and eat it too".

 

What is really so hard about asking your significant other to "sit down and let's have a chat?" I just did it in 7 words.

 

Then, when you do sit down, you talk to them in a calm, loving, and friendly manner and say, "Honey, I am unhappy with some aspects of our relationship and here's why...." Then you close your explanation with, "What can WE do together to fix it?"

 

That is sooooooooo much easier than having an affair, sneaking around, deleting texts of your phone, lying to your spouse about where you are and what you are doing, creating alternate email accounts, hiding cell phone bills, and destroying the people who care for you - (like your partner, and maybe even your children.)

 

That is why cheaters are toxic, lazy, and narcissistic.

[YellowShark]

When I think back to the sh*t my exSO did, not only to me but to his kid while he was f*cking around, it truly does break my heart. I mean, lets forget about me for a sec here, but how his son must have felt to watch his dad go out every night, not seeing me and his dad together anymore (this is shortly after we broke up and just before I had to move out).

 

I can relate. When I caught my EX and MM-with-pregnant-wife necking on MY deck that night it could have easily been my son who caught them instead... since we were BOTH home at the time in bed. How "F"'d up is that?

 

Then, when I had to inform my son that my EX - (his stepmother) - and I were breaking up after seven years together, I had to LIE to him about the reason why, because he doesn't need to deal with the burden of infidelity. So my EX really screwed things over for me and my son... for a sick incestuous affair.

 

Alternatively how a MM can cheat on his pregnant wife is something I shall never ever be able to process. That for me is the ultimate in gross narcissism.

[BeagleGal]

Funny you say that because when we broke up, my ex was like "what do I tell so-and-so about why we broke up?" and I said "uhh, how about the truth??". At the time, I didnt know the truth, I was going by my ex's "truth" which was "he had issues and he still loves me and us and thinks we have a good relationship" but "he needed space". So I was surprised at why he asked that because before I found out our splitting was due to his cheating/getting other woman pregnant, I didnt see why he couldnt tell his son the truth.

 

Even to this day, months after this breakup, I still wonder about his son and how he is handling all these dramatic changes in such a short period of time.

 

You know what, YellowShark, its a matter of time before my ex cheats on his now new (pregnant while we were still together) wife when real life hits him in the face. Right now all he sees is money, house, BMW (hers) and the lifestyle they can afford now that he's married to someone with a great career (she's a lawyer). And I know that he's with her for money because a friend of his (who became a friend of mine during my relationship with ex) texted me a week before the wedding and told me that he and my ex are no longer close because he can't respect my ex's decisions to use people to elevate himself financially and that "she is just a wallet for him". Very nice, eh.

 

I can relate. When I caught my EX and MM-with-pregnant-wife necking on MY deck that night it could have easily been my son who caught them instead... since we were BOTH home at the time in bed. How "F"'d up is that?

 

Then, when I had to inform my son that my EX - (his stepmother) - and I were breaking up after seven years together, I had to LIE to him about the reason why, because he doesn't need to deal with the burden of infidelity. So my EX really screwed things over for me and my son... for a sick incestuous affair.

 

Alternatively how a MM can cheat on his pregnant wife is something I shall never ever be able to process. That for me is the ultimate in gross narcissism.

[Spark1111]

I can relate. When I caught my EX and MM-with-pregnant-wife necking on MY deck that night it could have easily been my son who caught them instead... since we were BOTH home at the time in bed. How "F"'d up is that?

 

Then, when I had to inform my son that my EX - (his stepmother) - and I were breaking up after seven years together, I had to LIE to him about the reason why, because he doesn't need to deal with the burden of infidelity. So my EX really screwed things over for me and my son... for a sick incestuous affair.

 

Alternatively how a MM can cheat on his pregnant wife is something I shall never ever be able to process. That for me is the ultimate in gross narcissism.

 

YS, you have really been through the ringer with both a wife and best friend betraying you.

 

Yet, your original post on this thread shows an amazing understanding of the WS and their selfishness and narcissism.

 

Sometimes, narcissism is the result of an arrogant self-entitlement that knows no bounds; sometimes, it is the result of a very internally damaged individual.

 

Often both.

 

And the one person, the ONLY person who will enable your actions to betray your spouse, family and often yourself is....your AP.

 

So, what does that say about them? Their mental and emotional stability? Their integrity?

 

My fWS said she rarely disagreed with him on any issue he felt self-pity about; and most of those issues were misplaced anger and depression directed at me. Seemingly, his life and its failures were all my fault. She happily agreed with all of it.

 

But who knew? Certainly not me. He had NEVER disclosed those feelings to me.

[Spark1111]

Even though my story has many different turns- I can totally relate and share many of these feelings BNB. (hug)

 

Sometimes people just want it all. They go looking for a "soothing" place then wake up in a self-created hell. WHO THE FACK would complicate their lives with all this drama? I PERSONALLY wouldn't. I have no time for bullshyte, I'm too busy decorating. I have swallowed more drama than the one I can chew. NOT BY MY OWN CHOICE. It was not MY self-created drama, and lord knows I dealt with it for way too long. I am sure some LS'ers would say that I deserved it because I was with someone that had "magic" with OW so why the fack I was standing on the way. I WASN'T. LMAO!Thank GOD that I am out of it.

 

I thought A's were supposed to be the cured to that miserable M life one has with the pathetic, worhtless, unattractive S. After reading these boards for a few years... seems to me that they sure do destroy far more than what they really built.

 

 

Distant78- They weren't afraid to "Rock" someone else. Ha!

So yeah, they want to apply the rules to one side and deny it to the other.

 

Mimo.....if the WS leaves for the OW/OM, generally those limerance hormones will now wear off in one to two years of steady co-habitation.

 

And guess what?

 

What they thought was a once-in-a-lifetime soulmate experience, is now the same as the marriage they left. Same old, same old....with conflict avoidance, poor self-esteem, and rotten communication skills.

 

Bottom line: Wherever you go, there you are......and no ONE person can make you happy unless you make you happy or at least, learn what internal void needs external validation all the time.

 

And if you haven't fixed what is broken within through IC, you will NEVER be happy in a long term relationship. You will NEVER know HOW to do long term relationships succesfully.

 

And in IC, most confused and/or repentent fWS or serial cheaters learn this:

 

It was NEVER about not getting enough from the marriage. It was NOT GIVING ENOUGH to the marriage.

 

And why the cheater thought something, or someone new could fix them, is where the therapy begins.....or not.

[YellowShark]

Even to this day, months after this breakup, I still wonder about his son and how he is handling all these dramatic changes in such a short period of time.

 

My son was very unhappy about the breakup. He loved his stepmother. I guess one day I shall inform him of the REAL reason we split, but not until he is much older and wiser so that it doesn't taint his ideas about relationships as an adult. Only now I am beginning to realize how under this guys spell my EX must be to do what she did with us at home while she was necking with a MM on our deck.

 

Funny thing is is that we had a great relationship together, the sex was great, we communicated well, we fought rarely... and she still cannot come up with a satisfactory excuse for stepping out with a good friend who's wife is pregnant!

 

But after much reading I chalk it up to a really manipulative man who lusted after my EX - (she is devastatingly beautiful) - and he blew enough smoke up her butt to turn a friendship into an EA into a PA. She inturn fell for the "he understands me better than you" crap and crossed the line.

 

I mean really, what kinda guy cheats on his pregnant wife AND betrays his good friend AT THE SAME TIME? He's the Tiger Woods of narcissists.

 

YS, you have really been through the ringer with both a wife and best friend betraying you.

 

It's like having two people you trust implicitly die, and is the hardest thing I have ever had to process.

 

Yet, your original post on this thread shows an amazing understanding of the WS and their selfishness and narcissism.

 

I've made it my mission to educate myself after this event so that I do not fall for it again.

 

Sometimes, narcissism is the result of an arrogant self-entitlement that knows no bounds; sometimes, it is the result of a very internally damaged individual.

 

Any guy who betrays his best buddy AND his pregnant wife at the same time MUST be a very internally damaged individual.

 

And the one person, the ONLY person who will enable your actions to betray your spouse, family and often yourself is....your AP.

 

Like I said. The affair partner will say ANYTHING to the wayward spouse, and then the wayward spouse begins to believe that the affair partner is their cough... "soulmate...." cough.

[confusedinkansas]

What is really so hard about asking your significant other to "sit down and let's have a chat?" I just did it in 7 words.

 

Then, when you do sit down, you talk to them in a calm, loving, and friendly manner and say, "Honey, I am unhappy with some aspects of our relationship and here's why...." Then you close your explanation with, "What can WE do together to fix it?"

 

That is sooooooooo much easier than having an affair, sneaking around, deleting texts of your phone, lying to your spouse about where you are and what you are doing, creating alternate email accounts, hiding cell phone bills, and destroying the people who care for you - (like your partner, and maybe even your children.)

 

That is why cheaters are toxic, lazy, and narcissistic.

 

I can only speak for myself - but I have read where others like me........

Have Tried this "Calm" Tactic....Time & Time again. Didn't work.

As my counselor once told me years ago - Some people are the personalities that don't listen or hear & don't get it until there is a major crisis. Then & only then will they "GET" what's going on in the marriage.

 

It would be a perfect world if all marriages were as calming as an ocean breeze when 2 different personalities sat down to have a 'conversation.'

Sadly, real life is not like that.

 

But it's easier to boink with someone else, walk into your house hug your kids and kiss your S.... right!

Sadly, Yep. For me it was.

& didn't have kiddos at home when my A happened.

[Minnie09]

 

Alternatively how a MM can cheat on his pregnant wife is something I shall never ever be able to process. That for me is the ultimate in gross narcissism.

 

Well, that reminds me of a FORMER friend of mine, who - single at that time - got involved with a MM whose wife was pregnant with their 3rd child. The A started like 10 years ago and he left the W for my friend. Oddly enough, they are still together, not married, but bought a house together, more or less happy. His kids visit them every other weekend. They have no kids together. His xW is still single. That's the only A I know of that has turned into something lasting, even though it started out so wrong.

 

OT, I know. But it reminded me.

[Spark1111]

My son was very unhappy about the breakup. He loved his stepmother. I guess one day I shall inform him of the REAL reason we split, but not until he is much older and wiser so that it doesn't taint his ideas about relationships as an adult. Only now I am beginning to realize how under this guys spell my EX must be to do what she did with us at home while she was necking with a MM on our deck.

 

Funny thing is is that we had a great relationship together, the sex was great, we communicated well, we fought rarely... and she still cannot come up with a satisfactory excuse for stepping out with a good friend who's wife is pregnant!

 

But after much reading I chalk it up to a really manipulative man who lusted after my EX - (she is devastatingly beautiful) - and he blew enough smoke up her butt to turn a friendship into an EA into a PA. She inturn fell for the "he understands me better than you" crap and crossed the line.

 

I mean really, what kinda guy cheats on his pregnant wife AND betrays his good friend AT THE SAME TIME? He's the Tiger Woods of narcissists.

 

 

 

It's like having two people you trust implicitly die, and is the hardest thing I have ever had to process.

 

 

 

I've made it my mission to educate myself after this event so that I do not fall for it again.

 

 

 

Any guy who betrays his best buddy AND his pregnant wife at the same time MUST be a very internally damaged individual.

 

 

 

Like I said. The affair partner will say ANYTHING to the wayward spouse, and then the wayward spouse begins to believe that the affair partner is their cough... "soulmate...." cough.

 

And that was one of my biggest issues in my H's affair: How could the very attributes she most admired about you, coveted you for, your devotion to your family and spouse, be the very one's she helped you betray about yourself???????????????

 

Because she too, was selfish, selfish, selfish.

 

What did love have to do with that??????????????????

[YellowShark]

As my counselor once told me years ago - Some people are the personalities that don't listen or hear & don't get it until there is a major crisis. Then & only then will they "GET" what's going on in the marriage.

 

I agree 100%. Some people just refuse to see the light until they hit rock bottom or get run over by a bus.

 

In those instances I would say to them, "You don't seem to be hearing what I am saying, and if you really love me and want to make this work then we need help... would you be open to seeing a marriage counsellor?" Yet even then I still agree that those type of people would refuse to see a marriage counsellor. It would be at that point that I personally would have to reevaluate spending the rest of my life with someone who is so against trying to have a healthy/happy relationship.

 

But life is not black and white, I definitely know that.

[Hazyhead]

Bottom line: Wherever you go, there you are......and no ONE person can make you happy unless you make you happy or at least, learn what internal void needs external validation all the time.

 

Spark, I think this might just be the best thing I have ever read on these boards. So, so true.

[2sure]

I have seen and can understand how/why some people end an affair because they want to stay with or "fix" their marriage ( or other reasons) without telling their BS what happened.

 

To me, some of the reasons might be: My spouse is happy , my spouse would divorce me, the affair meant nothing, no need for BS to know.

What it comes down to is: It would be very difficult for WS to tell. Risky.

And I get that - if you want to keep the marriage and telling would ruin that...why would you?

 

But here is the thing: You betrayed your spouse, your marriage and yourself. Thats a great big deal even if the affair itself is over or meant nothing to you. You would have to tell your spouse about other personal crisis wouldnt you? Like illness, depression, an addiction, other poor choices that would affect them even if simply affect them because they affect YOU.

 

I think a marriage in which one of the spouses was unhappy enough OR selfish enough to cheat can be repaired . I also think that some marriages with the same circumstances should end in divorce.

 

But just think!! Wouldnt a WS want to not just keep a marriage but reinvent it, make it better, truly reconcile and evolve? You cant do that without going through the entire process with your spouse. And...if it doesnt make it...you both have LIVES in which you have a chance to pursue true happiness.

 

If you dont tell, if you dont go thru the process with your spouse...its just continuing a lie, settling for circumstances , worse - forcing your spouse to live in ignorance (we get one shot at this life you know).

 

I didnt divorce my H because he cheated. I divorced him because he wasnt man enough to tell me or to recognize it wasnt just his problem...but OURS.

[BeagleGal]

Yeah, my ex's son was upset as well by our breakup. This poor boy really is that kid that is pushed aside. His mom had 2 other babies and was sent over to us to live with. Now, his dad is expecting a new baby with this new woman and what - is he going to be sent back to his mom cuz he doesnt fit into this "new" family? I'm sure my ex told the boy some cacamamie bullsh*t about why we split and won't tell his son the real reason. I think though as the boy gets older and matures, he'll realize on his own what's happened especially because he was introduced to the new woman not even a split second after I moved.

 

My son was very unhappy about the breakup. He loved his stepmother. I guess one day I shall inform him of the REAL reason we split, but not until he is much older and wiser so that it doesn't taint his ideas about relationships as an adult. Only now I am beginning to realize how under this guys spell my EX must be to do what she did with us at home while she was necking with a MM on our deck.

 

Funny thing is is that we had a great relationship together, the sex was great, we communicated well, we fought rarely... and she still cannot come up with a satisfactory excuse for stepping out with a good friend who's wife is pregnant!

 

Same with us, so I thought. We had a great sex life, we had fun together, took trips, had friends over, spent time alone, spent time with his son, etc... I mean, I had no reason to think anything was going on till just before we broke up. And same, he couldnt come up with an excuse at all as to why he wanted out. He again, made up cacamamie sh*t when in in reality he was f*cking around and had to get out. I've had several people tell me to not take his infidelity "personal". They say it would have happened eventually, he's done it before you came along, he'll do it again after you've gone. And at first, I didnt understand what that meant because why wouldnt I take his cheating personal? He did it to ME, he betrayed ME, so of course its personal. However, I understand now that he's the one with a serious issue, no matter if we had ended up marrying or having our own kids together - he would have done this to me.

 

 

But after much reading I chalk it up to a really manipulative man who lusted after my EX - (she is devastatingly beautiful) - and he blew enough smoke up her butt to turn a friendship into an EA into a PA. She inturn fell for the "he understands me better than you" crap and crossed the line.

 

 

I've made it my mission to educate myself after this event so that I do not fall for it again.

 

Same here. And the more I read, the more I realize how badly I was duped by my ex. It was all a facade.

Edited September 1, 2010 by BeagleGal

[Spark1111]

I have seen and can understand how/why some people end an affair because they want to stay with or "fix" their marriage ( or other reasons) without telling their BS what happened.

 

To me, some of the reasons might be: My spouse is happy , my spouse would divorce me, the affair meant nothing, no need for BS to know.

What it comes down to is: It would be very difficult for WS to tell. Risky.

And I get that - if you want to keep the marriage and telling would ruin that...why would you?

 

But here is the thing: You betrayed your spouse, your marriage and yourself. Thats a great big deal even if the affair itself is over or meant nothing to you. You would have to tell your spouse about other personal crisis wouldnt you? Like illness, depression, an addiction, other poor choices that would affect them even if simply affect them because they affect YOU.

 

I think a marriage in which one of the spouses was unhappy enough OR selfish enough to cheat can be repaired . I also think that some marriages with the same circumstances should end in divorce.

 

But just think!! Wouldnt a WS want to not just keep a marriage but reinvent it, make it better, truly reconcile and evolve? You cant do that without going through the entire process with your spouse. And...if it doesnt make it...you both have LIVES in which you have a chance to pursue true happiness.

 

If you dont tell, if you dont go thru the process with your spouse...its just continuing a lie, settling for circumstances , worse - forcing your spouse to live in ignorance (we get one shot at this life you know).

 

I didnt divorce my H because he cheated. I divorced him because he wasnt man enough to tell me or to recognize it wasnt just his problem...but OURS.[/QUOTE]

 

First bolded: Many a WS and a BS are not sufficiently motivated to acquire the tools, nor posess the courage to re-invent the relationship until the rock-bottom confession of "I had an affair" is on the table, IMHO.

 

And while I hated his cheatin', lyin' ways....I still loved him, but resisted reconciling for a very long time because I did not trust him.

 

Those who have laughed and cried with us during this reconciliation would tell you unilaterally that the greatest changes in the relationship are do to the changes within him.

 

Second bolded: My subsequent problems with his trickle truthing for so long was because it felt like the keeping of secrets was a further affront to the intimacy I was so desperately trying to re-establish. And it was our problem, and I wanted us to solve it, put it to rest and kiss it good-bye forever.

 

Good post, 2sure.

[Spark1111]

Yeah, my ex's son was upset as well by our breakup. This poor boy really is that kid that is pushed aside. His mom had 2 other babies and was sent over to us to live with. Now, his dad is expecting a new baby with this new woman and what - is he going to be sent back to his mom cuz he doesnt fit into this "new" family? I'm sure my ex told the boy some cacamamie bullsh*t about why we split and won't tell his son the real reason. I think though as the boy gets older and matures, he'll realize on his own what's happened especially because he was introduced to the new woman not even a split second after I moved.

 

My son was very unhappy about the breakup. He loved his stepmother. I guess one day I shall inform him of the REAL reason we split, but not until he is much older and wiser so that it doesn't taint his ideas about relationships as an adult. Only now I am beginning to realize how under this guys spell my EX must be to do what she did with us at home while she was necking with a MM on our deck.

 

Funny thing is is that we had a great relationship together, the sex was great, we communicated well, we fought rarely... and she still cannot come up with a satisfactory excuse for stepping out with a good friend who's wife is pregnant!

 

Same with us, so I thought. We had a great sex life, we had fun together, took trips, had friends over, spent time alone, spent time with his son, etc... I mean, I had no reason to think anything was going on till just before we broke up. And same, he couldnt come up with an excuse at all as to why he wanted out. He again, made up cacamamie sh*t when in in reality he was f*cking around and had to get out. I've had several people tell me to not take his infidelity "personal". They say it would have happened eventually, he's done it before you came along, he'll do it again after you've gone. And at first, I didnt understand what that meant because why wouldnt I take his cheating personal? He did it to ME, he betrayed ME, so of course its personal. However, I understand now that he's the one with a serious issue, no matter if we had ended up marrying or having our own kids together - he would have done this to me.

 

 

But after much reading I chalk it up to a really manipulative man who lusted after my EX - (she is devastatingly beautiful) - and he blew enough smoke up her butt to turn a friendship into an EA into a PA. She inturn fell for the "he understands me better than you" crap and crossed the line.

 

 

I've made it my mission to educate myself after this event so that I do not fall for it again.

 

Same here. And the more I read, the more I realize how badly I was duped by my ex. It was all a facade.

 

Yes, but BeagleGal and Yellow Shark, you must be able to take solace in the fact that the affair HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

 

As you see yur former SOs continue to crash and burn all relationships, as much as it hurts you, it is further evidence that have not fixed what is broken within.

 

And maybe never will.

[Spark1111]

Spark, I think this might just be the best thing I have ever read on these boards. So, so true.

 

Thanks HH.

 

And I hope you are in a better place!

[BeagleGal]

I know, Spark, well, I know NOW that the affair had nothing to do with me. It just took me a while to realize that is all.

 

My my, YellowShark and I sound like a couple of hens, eh?

 

It is painful to see that. I mean, despite my ex's new wife knowing he was with me while she started seeing him, I don't wish ill on her. I actually feel sorry for her that she's been duped like I was and that she will live my heartache and then some when he burns that relationship up because they'll be having a child together. Its sad that he feels no ways about hurting and using people the way he does.

 

 

Yes, but BeagleGal and Yellow Shark, you must be able to take solace in the fact that the affair HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

 

As you see yur former SOs continue to crash and burn all relationships, as much as it hurts you, it is further evidence that have not fixed what is broken within.

 

And maybe never will.

[turnstone]

A lot easier said than done. Which is why I believe that there are so many people out there having affairs. (I know that's not what this thread is about - but just thought I'd comment anyway)

Yes, I agree that its easier said than done to sit one's spouse down and talk about issues. Marriage can become comfortable, too comfortable to rock the boat by having a 'talk' which may well be brushed off anyway.

 

However, that's not an excuse to not find a way of improving matters, or divorcing if that's not possible. Its not an excuse to step outside the marriage without your spouse's knowledge and permission.

 

Just because we haven't learnt how to sit our spouses down and talk to them about our needs and our concerns, just because we don't know how improve our relationships, our marriages, doesn't give us the right to not own the problem and seek help or get out in an acceptable fashion.

 

I think it is when it becomes a consistent pattern in a person(serial cheaters). For the one time person who might have fallen into a situation and learned from it and no longer does it I'd say no.

That'll be my exH then But also, do you not think its a sign of narcissism when the MM is unrepentant regardless of his serial status?

[confusedinkansas]

Yes, I agree that its easier said than done to sit one's spouse down and talk about issues. Marriage can become comfortable, too comfortable to rock the boat by having a 'talk' which may well be brushed off anyway.

 

However, that's not an excuse to not find a way of improving matters, or divorcing if that's not possible. Its not an excuse to step outside the marriage without your spouse's knowledge and permission.

 

Just because we haven't learnt how to sit our spouses down and talk to them about our needs and our concerns, just because we don't know how improve our relationships, our marriages, doesn't give us the right to not own the problem and seek help or get out in an acceptable fashion.

 

I agree with you. There are no "excuses" - Yes there are reasons & many would like to say that we're just coming up with excuses. Is it a selfish decision? Yep!

In my situation - It just is what it is. I can't be so different than most here that have had affairs. Same as them, I made the decision to deal with my circumstances by finding someone else that would listen to me. Someone else that had the same troubles in his marriage that we did. (My AP was also married) For me it made what had been a long & gruling 7 or so years bearable.

 

Back to the original 'question/discussion' I am still of the belief that not telling your spouse is an individuals decision to make based on their individual circumstances.

 

Some here have said that "If you don't tell your spouse will eventually find out" I disagree with this. Maybe they will - But there is always the Maybe they won't. It isn't hands down 100% they WILL. One of my dearest friends had an affair 20 some odd years ago. She's still married, her husband still does not know.