Having an Affair vrs. Telling of it?

[Spark1111]

Like Turnstone, I still don't get it.

 

And I did not want to t/j.

 

You meet someone, feel attracted to each other, and begin to fuel that attraction in a million little ways: texts, sexts, emails, long-furtive looks, chance encounters that have nothing to do with chance.

 

You start to plan, put forth effort, obsess, when, where, how to meet in SECRET, how to have sex in SECRET, when to make the next call in SECRET without your spouse knowing.

 

You live the excitement and fantasy life of conducting an affair in SECRET. Or a ONS, or several ONS, in secret.

 

But now the affair has ended, or you realize the errors of your ways, and want to rebuild your marriage without your spouse knowing of your extra-curricular activities, because NOW you are reformed .

 

And TELLING them may hurt them, and you do not want to hurt them NOW that you have seen the light, or your AP has dumped you, whichever comes first.

 

TELLING your spouse could seriously impede your chances of NOW wanting to work on YOUR marriage.

 

You have not given them a thought with the first, sext, text, flirt, or unzip. They were not even a blip on your emotional radar as you plotted and planned to meet, see, speak with your AP.

 

Maybe you had to talk yourself OUT OF your spouse's love and devotion to you to have the affair. Maybe you had to talk yourself INTO what a desolate place your marriage was and how your spouse was not meeting YOUR needs to justify having the affair.

 

But now? NOW you have decided to be a good girl or boy and re-commit to that marriage you threw over in one unzip, and TELLING your spouse would only hurt them.

 

Give me a break! If this isn't the most self-serving, self-protective act ever, I don't know what is!

 

Thoughts?

[turnstone]

Well, you know my thoughts on the matter and I don't understand any of it.

 

But what takes it to another level is not only when someone feels this way and acts on it, but is unrepentant into the bargain. It seems to me that this person is truly beyond help and I feel bad for the wife who is stuck with it and the OW who mustn't believe she's worth more.

 

Is it another example of narcissistic behavior?

[Minnie09]

The explanation is quite simple, IMO:

 

It's a combination of fear of confrontation and lack of introspection. This combination of character traits a) enables affairs in the first place, and b) reduces the ability to deal with the "aftermath" in a mature, fair way (fair to the BS, that is).

 

On top of that, when they decide the A is over, the cheater covers up his/her destructive behavior by convincing him-/herself that this is the best solution for "the family". This way, they can justify keeping it secret for reasons outside themselves. They can hide even from themselves that they are cowards. They reduce the risk of consequences they might have to deal with if they owned up to their A. In the end, it makes them feel better about themselves, because they did something "good" in order to save their M. They did something good for the family, the W (who would be so hurt), and of course the kids.

 

It's also some form of control, because most WS (especially men) couldn't stand the thought of their SO having an A themselves. This risk is eliminated by not fessing up.

[PegNosePete]

I totally agree!

 

I also don't understand how the WS can think they can remain friends with the AP afterwards (whether they have confessed or not). Like they're just going to go back to how they were before? That is just asking for it to happen again.

[confusedinkansas]

Not telling a case by case issue -

 

Each individual knows their specific situation. They know what brought them to the affair. What brought them back to their spouse (if that's what has happened) & what it will take to make their marriage better.

 

It isn't cut & dry to always tell of an affair once it's over as many believe it is.

[bentnotbroken]

You know how I feel about it too. Years my life was wasted by someone who told himself he wouldn't do it again, but because he "got away with it" he felt he could do it again when his d*ck got hard with "feeling" in love with someone else. I couldn't figure out his mood swings and always felt it was something wrong with me, something I wasn't doing right. It made me angry and resentful. Which in turn caused him to cheat more...(he didn't like my attitude:rolleyes:", it pushed him away. The cycle is vicious and it affected everyone in the house. Each time he "re-committed" to the marriage he stayed in that frame of mind for less and less time.

 

He made decisions for my life that I never would have chosen. To move all over the country without a support system while he did whatever and I was mostly alone. I lived with anger, fear and became more and more depressed because I didn't know what the underlying issues were(his or mine). So if he thought he was sparing me the "unnecessary pain:sick:" of making the choice to lead my own life by not telling me...what does he think about the pain he caused by forcing me to live a lie? Forcing his children to live with two unhappy people? I call it bull crap in it's highest arrogant form, playing God with my life, all the while covering his own azz. Disgusting!

[Minnie09]

The cycle is vicious and it affected everyone in the house. Each time he "re-committed" to the marriage he stayed in that frame of mind for less and less time.

.......

 

He made decisions I lived with anger, fear and became more and more depressed because I didn't know what the underlying issues were(his or mine). So if he thought he was with my life, all the while covering his own azz. Disgusting!

 

Oh yes, I know the a.m. "cycle" oh so well.

My sentiments exactly.

[xxoo]

Not telling a case by case issue -

 

Each individual knows their specific situation. They know what brought them to the affair. What brought them back to their spouse (if that's what has happened) & what it will take to make their marriage better.

 

It isn't cut & dry to always tell of an affair once it's over as many believe it is.

 

About the bolded--It doesn't sound like cheaters know those things at all in many cases.

 

About knowing what brought them back to the spouse--maybe they know that. But the point is that the spouse may not want them back if they had the benefit of the (very deserved) truth.

 

Knowledge is power. Denying your bs knowledge about their own marriage is stripping them of power. How does the WS reconcile the imbalance of knowledge/power? Esp after having abused that power?

[Distant78]

It isn't cut & dry to always tell of an affair once it's over as many believe it is.

 

Why is that? Because the WS knows its more likely if they tell their BS that they will leave them? Or they are afraid to "rock the boat?"

[Spark1111]

Well, you know my thoughts on the matter and I don't understand any of it.

 

But what takes it to another level is not only when someone feels this way and acts on it, but is unrepentant into the bargain. It seems to me that this person is truly beyond help and I feel bad for the wife who is stuck with it and the OW who mustn't believe she's worth more.

 

Is it another example of narcissistic behavior?

 

Well, of course it is!

 

Look at my original post....Do you see one sentence that says anything, any action or thought is in the best interest of the spouse? The marriage?

 

Both the affair, and the not telling to return "safely" and unknowingly to the spouse and the marriage is all about them, once again!

 

As for the OW, what pitiful behavior on the part of the MM....and he gets away with it over and over again because she buys his bill of goods that he must return for the sake "of the children."

 

How noble and altruistic of him.....sigh....

[bentnotbroken]

Why is that? Because the WS knows its more likely if they tell their BS that they will leave them? Or they are afraid to "rock the boat?"

 

Can you imagine never being told but finding out after the WS death? Not being able to ask questions, to find out what the issues were, asking if you were ever loved? Sad:(

[Spark1111]

I totally agree!

 

I also don't understand how the WS can think they can remain friends with the AP afterwards (whether they have confessed or not). Like they're just going to go back to how they were before? That is just asking for it to happen again.

 

Yeah, that's laughable too....

 

And a thinly-veiled attempt to either let the AP down gently, or to go home, make nice with the spouse, and then re-engage in the affair...

 

I told my fWS, okay, sure be friends if that is what you want. But then I want to call up some old boyfriends from long ago (pre-marriage) and renew a "friendhip" with them. That okay?

 

He looked horrified by the prospect, and that's when he began to understand this "friendship" thing.....:rolleyes:

[YellowShark]

Here's my opinion - (unless you are in a clearly defined open/swinger marriage/relationship.)

 

There is nothing more narcissistic than having an affair. I don't care how bad your marriage/relationship is you owe it to yourself and your significant other to fix the marriage/relationship first before you step out.

 

1) If there are problems in your marriage/relationship then sit down with your significant other and TELL THEM why you are unhappy.. like an adult. This is a HEALTHY way to deal with these issues, by communicating with the person who loves and trusts you.

 

2) If you are in a loveless/abusive marriage/relationship then GET OUT, leave, end it.. and go be happy elsewhere before you crush and destroy people. It's not rocket science.

 

3) There is no such thing as "love at first sight," there is "lust at first sight," but love is something that grows and develops with time.

 

4) The crap that "my affair partner gets/understands me" is total crap. The affair partner will tell you anything you need to hear which TRICKS you into believing they do get/understand you. They will blow smoke up your butt to no end, and if you say the sky is pink, they will agree with you.

 

5) An affair steals emotion/passion that should be reserved for your marriage/relationship, so in the cheaters mind they begin to demonize the marriage/relationship and place the affair on a pedestal. This pedestal is full of lies, betrayal, and deceit. And consequently your marriage/relationship DOES suffer, because you are literally removing the emotion/passion from it.

 

6) The rule of thumb is if you are doing something - (texting, IMing, emailing, flirting, expressing inappropriate information about your relationship) - that you would not do in front of your significant other, you have crossed the line and need to hit the brakes.

 

Remember you and your significant other are 50% responsible for what happens in the marriage/relationship. But the cheater is 100% responsible for the affair - your significant other didn't force you to cheat, you chose to do it without their consent.

[Spark1111]

The explanation is quite simple, IMO:

 

It's a combination of fear of confrontation and lack of introspection. This combination of character traits a) enables affairs in the first place, and b) reduces the ability to deal with the "aftermath" in a mature, fair way (fair to the BS, that is).

 

On top of that, when they decide the A is over, the cheater covers up his/her destructive behavior by convincing him-/herself that this is the best solution for "the family". This way, they can justify keeping it secret for reasons outside themselves. They can hide even from themselves that they are cowards. They reduce the risk of consequences they might have to deal with if they owned up to their A. In the end, it makes them feel better about themselves, because they did something "good" in order to save their M. They did something good for the family, the W (who would be so hurt), and of course the kids.

 

It's also some form of control, because most WS (especially men) couldn't stand the thought of their SO having an A themselves. This risk is eliminated by not fessing up.

 

Great post!

 

And the bolded? Truer words never spoken.

 

As long as I blindly trusted, raised the kids, maintained a household, he felt that his actions had less consequences on his "family."

 

But two parents? Maturely separated, examining his feelings for another while I had the same opportunity to do so? We could have gone to counseling, seen if there was a marriage worth saving while BOTH having the ability to date others......was apparently too much for him to bear!

 

And why his OW, any woman, would put up with that is simply beyond me.

 

The script says; I'm unhappy; she would never survive without me; staying for the kids; the money; the status; the legacy; she'll turn my kids against me....blah, blah, blah, over and over again.

 

So he gets the OW to a) sympathize and b) keep the affair secret so as not to hurt him.

 

You know what?

Maybe he just didn't want me dating! Screwing another guy! FALLING IN LOVE AND LEAVING HIM!

 

Then he'd lose his soft landing for sure.

 

Yep, highly controlling of BOTH women in his life.

[Spark1111]

You know how I feel about it too. Years my life was wasted by someone who told himself he wouldn't do it again, but because he "got away with it" he felt he could do it again when his d*ck got hard with "feeling" in love with someone else. I couldn't figure out his mood swings and always felt it was something wrong with me, something I wasn't doing right. It made me angry and resentful. Which in turn caused him to cheat more...(he didn't like my attitude:rolleyes:", it pushed him away. The cycle is vicious and it affected everyone in the house. Each time he "re-committed" to the marriage he stayed in that frame of mind for less and less time.

 

He made decisions for my life that I never would have chosen. To move all over the country without a support system while he did whatever and I was mostly alone. I lived with anger, fear and became more and more depressed because I didn't know what the underlying issues were(his or mine). So if he thought he was sparing me the "unnecessary pain:sick:" of making the choice to lead my own life by not telling me...what does he think about the pain he caused by forcing me to live a lie? Forcing his children to live with two unhappy people? I call it bull crap in it's highest arrogant form, playing God with my life, all the while covering his own azz. Disgusting!

 

BNB, the cycle is vicious!

 

My fWS was an arrogant, critical, emotionally absent spouse and father during his affair!

 

But had his OW convinced he was the MOST dedicated family man with an unappreciative spouse.

 

The ironies abound with no end in sight.

[Spark1111]

About the bolded--It doesn't sound like cheaters know those things at all in many cases.

 

About knowing what brought them back to the spouse--maybe they know that. But the point is that the spouse may not want them back if they had the benefit of the (very deserved) truth.

 

Knowledge is power. Denying your bs knowledge about their own marriage is stripping them of power. How does the WS reconcile the imbalance of knowledge/power? Esp after having abused that power?

 

Because it is what is in THEIR best interests!

 

Now that I have learned my lesson and will be a good boy or girl NOW, you cannot take away whatever control I have left in determining my fate, my marriage, my family life.

 

I promise to be good, NOW.

 

Please do not tell anyone.....

 

The hardest part in reconciliation is the WS determining the "WHY" of the affair.

 

All those reasons they convinced themselves gave them permission to embark on the affair, later horrify them....if they are truly remorseful.

[Spark1111]

Why is that? Because the WS knows its more likely if they tell their BS that they will leave them? Or they are afraid to "rock the boat?"

 

Well, sure.

 

Both would have serious repurcussions to a marital relationship.

 

The WS can no longer control the outcome.

 

The WS might actually have to deal with consequences of their actions.

 

The WS might actually have to grow up and face the music, which may or may not, be to their liking.

 

Do you see ANYTHING about what is in the best interests of the spouse the plotted and planned and felt justified to betray, over and over and over again?

 

Because I do not.

[Distant78]

Well, sure.

 

Both would have serious repurcussions to a marital relationship.

 

The WS can no longer control the outcome.

 

The WS might actually have to deal with consequences of their actions.

 

The WS might actually have to grow up and face the music, which may or may not, be to their liking.

 

Do you see ANYTHING about what is in the best interests of the spouse the plotted and planned and felt justified to betray, over and over and over again?

 

Because I do not.

 

I agree. There is nothing for them.

[AmIWrong]

You guys have already pointed out so many inconsistancies, and here's another one I see. Below is an excerpt of my response to another thread on the OW/OM forum. I think it fits better here.

 

For the record, I belong to the radical honesty camp, and I think the "I don’t want to cause my family anymore hurt" argument is so lame. I’m not attacking the OP here. I just would really like someone to help me reconcile how these two very different personality traits can exist in one person. Is it really possible for one to be so selfish and so selfless at the same time? The seemingly altruistic behavior involved with such an act of selflessness, i.e. "I won’t do it to ease my own conscience", totally contradicts the egocentrism they’ve already proven by opening themselves up to an affair to begin with. Anyone else see the inconsistency?

[confusedinkansas]

Why is that? Because the WS knows its more likely if they tell their BS that they will leave them? Or they are afraid to "rock the boat?"

 

Because nothing in life is cut & dry. Every person is an individual. Every marriage is individual. Which to me means that every situation is individual & should be handled as such.

 

About the bolded--It doesn't sound like cheaters know those things at all in many cases.

I guess I can only speak for myself then. I knew they Why's on all counts.

Not telling my spouse was my decision based on many things in our marriage. (Individual things) Which is why I say each situation is different & should not be handled as if there were a specific map on How To that should be followed by the letter of the law. So to speak.

[BeagleGal]

YellowShark: Amen and amen! Couldnt have agreed more.

Before my exSO and I split, this is right before we broke up, I noticed he took a couple of calls at night around bedtime downstairs where I wouldnt hear. When I questioned him, he was trying to sound all considerate like he took the calls downstairs to "not disturb me". And at the time, I believed him.

 

After we broke up and I found out that he was in fact cheating on me (by someeone else as he denied several times to my face that there was anybody else), he still tried to lie to me after I moved out. Even after I confronted him with facts, still lied about it. And he did the whole texting me during work hours or before he sold the house/moved in full time with the new girl, he texted me from home, called me at weird hours at like 2am, 4am... he did things I knew she was not aware of. So he had already crossed the line with her and he had just dumped me!

 

He never did, never has and never will come clean and I've come to accept that, especially now that its over b/w he and I. I gave myself my own closure and am now moving on.

 

Here's my opinion - (unless you are in a clearly defined open/swinger marriage/relationship.)

 

There is nothing more narcissistic than having an affair. I don't care how bad your marriage/relationship is you owe it to yourself and your significant other to fix the marriage/relationship first before you step out.

 

1) If there are problems in your marriage/relationship then sit down with your significant other and TELL THEM why you are unhappy.. like an adult. This is a HEALTHY way to deal with these issues, by communicating with the person who loves and trusts you.

 

2) If you are in a loveless/abusive marriage/relationship then GET OUT, leave, end it.. and go be happy elsewhere before you crush and destroy people. It's not rocket science.

 

3) There is no such thing as "love at first sight," there is "lust at first sight," but love is something that grows and develops with time.

 

4) The crap that "my affair partner gets/understands me" is total crap. The affair partner will tell you anything you need to hear which TRICKS you into believing they do get/understand you. They will blow smoke up your butt to no end, and if you say the sky is pink, they will agree with you.

 

5) An affair steals emotion/passion that should be reserved for your marriage/relationship, so in the cheaters mind they begin to demonize the marriage/relationship and place the affair on a pedestal. This pedestal is full of lies, betrayal, and deceit. And consequently your marriage/relationship DOES suffer, because you are literally removing the emotion/passion from it.

 

6) The rule of thumb is if you are doing something - (texting, IMing, emailing, flirting, expressing inappropriate information about your relationship) - that you would not do in front of your significant other, you have crossed the line and need to hit the brakes.

 

Remember you and your significant other are 50% responsible for what happens in the marriage/relationship. But the cheater is 100% responsible for the affair - your significant other didn't force you to cheat, you chose to do it without their consent.

[Mimolicious]

You know how I feel about it too. Years my life was wasted by someone who told himself he wouldn't do it again, but because he "got away with it" he felt he could do it again when his d*ck got hard with "feeling" in love with someone else. I couldn't figure out his mood swings and always felt it was something wrong with me, something I wasn't doing right. It made me angry and resentful. Which in turn caused him to cheat more...(he didn't like my attitude:rolleyes:", it pushed him away. The cycle is vicious and it affected everyone in the house. Each time he "re-committed" to the marriage he stayed in that frame of mind for less and less time.

 

He made decisions for my life that I never would have chosen. To move all over the country without a support system while he did whatever and I was mostly alone. I lived with anger, fear and became more and more depressed because I didn't know what the underlying issues were(his or mine). So if he thought he was sparing me the "unnecessary pain:sick:" of making the choice to lead my own life by not telling me...what does he think about the pain he caused by forcing me to live a lie? Forcing his children to live with two unhappy people? I call it bull crap in it's highest arrogant form, playing God with my life, all the while covering his own azz. Disgusting!

 

Even though my story has many different turns- I can totally relate and share many of these feelings BNB. (hug)

 

Sometimes people just want it all. They go looking for a "soothing" place then wake up in a self-created hell. WHO THE FACK would complicate their lives with all this drama? I PERSONALLY wouldn't. I have no time for bullshyte, I'm too busy decorating. I have swallowed more drama than the one I can chew. NOT BY MY OWN CHOICE. It was not MY self-created drama, and lord knows I dealt with it for way too long. I am sure some LS'ers would say that I deserved it because I was with someone that had "magic" with OW so why the fack I was standing on the way. I WASN'T. LMAO!Thank GOD that I am out of it.

 

I thought A's were supposed to be the cured to that miserable M life one has with the pathetic, worhtless, unattractive S. After reading these boards for a few years... seems to me that they sure do destroy far more than what they really built.

 

 

Distant78- They weren't afraid to "Rock" someone else. Ha!

So yeah, they want to apply the rules to one side and deny it to the other.

[Mimolicious]

Can you imagine never being told but finding out after the WS death? Not being able to ask questions, to find out what the issues were, asking if you were ever loved? Sad:(

 

 

I would digg the mofo out...

 

This must feel like torture.

[BeagleGal]

Now yearssss ago before I met my exSO, I was married for a few years. The last year of our marriage was hell. He was always losing his temper, started hitting my dogs, just being an a**hole. So I left, found myself a new apt and was actually looking forward to being completely on my own for the first time in my life with my pups.

 

About a month after I left (we were not legally seperated), my exH wanted to talk about reconciling and suggested he move in with me in my new place. Told me he loved me, was sorry for treating me badly, for mistreating the dogs, had time to think about how to change and blah, blah, blah... and insisted he come over and talk. So I allowed him to. After hanging up with him, I had a gut feeling something was wrong, that even though he was telling me all this crap about loving me and wanting to work out the marriage, I knew something wasnt right. So I went into his email and sure enough, there was emails from another woman. I printed them off and put them in my purse. He comes over, gives his crap speech and done. I pulled out the emails and asked for an explanation about that. He lost it and was stunned I had found them.

 

Had I decided to try to work things out again with him, I guarantee that he wouldnt have breathed a word about this other woman he had gotten involved with. According to him it was something new and fresh and would have ended it had I agreed to take him back. Nice.

 

I said uhh, no thanks... take your sorry ass and your emails and GET OUT.

 

So just from my personal experience with the exH and the exSO, both lied although the exSO really really tried to cover his ass up to make sure I didnt find out a damn thing, even after I found out and confronted him with facts.

[Mimolicious]

Here's my opinion - (unless you are in a clearly defined open/swinger marriage/relationship.)

 

There is nothing more narcissistic than having an affair. I don't care how bad your marriage/relationship is you owe it to yourself and your significant other to fix the marriage/relationship first before you step out.

 

1) If there are problems in your marriage/relationship then sit down with your significant other and TELL THEM why you are unhappy.. like an adult. This is a HEALTHY way to deal with these issues, by communicating with the person who loves and trusts you.

 

2) If you are in a loveless/abusive marriage/relationship then GET OUT, leave, end it.. and go be happy elsewhere before you crush and destroy people. It's not rocket science.

 

3) There is no such thing as "love at first sight," there is "lust at first sight," but love is something that grows and develops with time.

 

4) The crap that "my affair partner gets/understands me" is total crap. The affair partner will tell you anything you need to hear which TRICKS you into believing they do get/understand you. They will blow smoke up your butt to no end, and if you say the sky is pink, they will agree with you.

 

5) An affair steals emotion/passion that should be reserved for your marriage/relationship, so in the cheaters mind they begin to demonize the marriage/relationship and place the affair on a pedestal. This pedestal is full of lies, betrayal, and deceit. And consequently your marriage/relationship DOES suffer, because you are literally removing the emotion/passion from it.

 

6) The rule of thumb is if you are doing something - (texting, IMing, emailing, flirting, expressing inappropriate information about your relationship) - that you would not do in front of your significant other, you have crossed the line and need to hit the brakes.

 

Remember you and your significant other are 50% responsible for what happens in the marriage/relationship. But the cheater is 100% responsible for the affair - your significant other didn't force you to cheat, you chose to do it without their consent.

 

Great post Yellow. #1... was what I was hit with as the excuse. The "I wasn't happy" bullshyte. Yet, exactly when did my xH ever truly sat down and expressed this? Never. I know... I know... I was supposed to read his mind and watch his actions. Some AP swear that this same loser has an off/on switch. HA! Classic!

 

Funny, I just had a similar conversation with my xH. When I told him "Well in reality, you swear like you were the miserable and unhappy person in this M because you were looking for 110% (which DOESN'T exist) and complete happiness, yet you are empty inside. You never bothered to think that I perhaps had 90-10. You were only 10% of a man. So who was miserable or unhappy here? BTW, How's your HAPP-meter nowadays? You seemed depressed"- He couldn't answer me, he was too busy crying.

Poor guy. Then suggested I'd come and sleep over while he had the kids. (tone sound.... from me hanging up).

 

People really F up their lives.