allawishis Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 I don't really know what do say. I have been with my fiance for 7 years now and just found out see betrayed me. I first found out about 6 months ago and I immediately confronted her. She said it never went past electronic flirting and it was inappropriate. She acted very sincere and we went to counseling and I thought we were working it out. She told me that, oh we are getting married, that she felt something was going to change and that she felted trapped and bored. That's why she did what she did. After we started working this out this was really trying and she handled it very well. Never made me feel bad and always did what I need to help grow past this situation. In fact when it first happened I asked her to leave and she stayed in a hotel for a few days. She made it as easy as one could hope. Well recently, I found out from another bad break up that she had received photos of a certain kind from this guy and had met with him before. This of course she told me she never did before. I finally drug it out of her and she admitted these things to me. I decided since we were trying to make things work and are planned to get married in Maui in like 2 months, that we should work really hard and reconnecting and getting past this. Well, I started to feel she was still holding something back. So I kinda took a drastic measure and told her that if she swore these things were true and there were no more to the story she would take a lie detector test. Just trust me. Well her attitude changed and she started to be defensive about it. "Just trust me or don't." "I feel like I have to take a marital worthiness test." Then she admitted a few more details and the situation and said this is why she was acting like this. Still though swearing up and down and everything that she never crossed the line...had sex with him. Then the day of the test she finally breaks down and tells me. Couldn't even say it at first. That yea indeed she did cheat on me with this guy, 6 months ago! I begged her to get it all out on the table back then and she said she just didn't have the heart to tell me. I even contacted the guy she slept with back then and recently, today, and he had the very exact story each time. I called her and told her I was going over to confront him again, while I was with him. Within a minute his phone rang. She would admit she called him at first, then I told her to swear on our son. She admitted it, then later that day, as I said above, she admitted sleeping with him one time, in a park, in his car. It wasn't until I caught her that she stopped this. Yet she said it was a one time thing and REALLY regrets it. She always tell me how sorry she is and that she really messed up and knows it. She says she knows she can't take it back. She says she only loves me and wants to be with me. Why did she take soooooo long to come clean, and only when I took such drastic measures? Was she just really gonna live with this lie? I am at a loss. I do love her and we have built so much together. But I just don't want to find out in another 7 years that this happened again. I very embarrassed by this as I have friends and family already with plans to come to Maui for our wedding, our kids, our house, everything is at stack here. Can give her a chance, can I trust her again? I know only I can decided but looking for a little insight...hopefully!
Don Ho Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 (edited) No bro, you can never trust her again. What you found out and what she admitted to is likely the tip of the iceberg. You have to remember that a cheater is a liar by definition. They lie that they're cheating, they lie about lying, the lie about what really happened and so on. I hate to say this, but you will spend a lifetime worrying, stressing out and having heartache if you stay with her. Like my very good friend told me when I found my previous Ex was cheating on me and I was questioning it just like you're doing, he said "a leopard never changes his spots". Which turned out to be even more accurate later; he had cheated on his first wife and was dropping and hint that he was currently cheating on his second wife. Cheaters are LIARS by definition. Never forget that. She has lied to you many times, about the details and even about how many times she had sex with how many guys. Sure. It was a one time deal in a parked car or whatever. Bro, do yourself a BIG favor cut her out of your life now and completely. Only deal with her when you have to deal with the kids. The ironic about your thread is that you sound like a woman .... "should I take him back?". I think you want to sound like a MAN and be a MAN and to me that means telling her "you betrayed our commitment to each other and I am totally done with you and this relationship". Oh! And don't let your embarrassment about your wedding plans, your kids, your trip to Maui, your friends, your parents and all that keep you from being a MAN and telling her goodbye. Otherwise you're just another woman like the women that have been cheated on and stayed. Good luck and keep us posted. Edited September 1, 2010 by Don Ho
iLovedHer Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 No bro, you can never trust her again. What you found out and what she admitted to is likely the tip of the iceberg. You have to remember that a cheater is a liar by definition. They lie that they're cheating, they lie about lying, the lie about what really happened and so on. I hate to say this, but you will spend a lifetime worrying, stressing out and having heartache if you stay with her. Like my very good friend told me when I found my previous Ex was cheating on me and I was questioning it just like you're doing, he said "a leopard never changes his spots". Which turned out to be even more accurate later; he had cheated on his first wife and was dropping and hint that he was currently cheating on his second wife. Cheaters are LIARS by definition. Never forget that. She has lied to you many times, about the details and even about how many times she had sex with how many guys. Sure. It was a one time deal in a parked car or whatever. Bro, do yourself a BIG favor cut her out of your life now and completely. Only deal with her when you have to deal with the kids. The ironic about your thread is that you sound like a woman .... "should I take him back?". I think you want to sound like a MAN and be a MAN and to me that means telling her "you betrayed our commitment to each other and I am totally done with you and this relationship". Oh! And don't let your embarrassment about your wedding plans, your kids, your trip to Maui, your friends, your parents and all that keep you from being a MAN and telling her goodbye. Otherwise you're just another woman like the women that have been cheated on and stayed. Good luck and keep us posted. This. Chuck Norris approves.
Minxy101 Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Here's the thing. There were many times in my past relationship where i've felt trapped, and yes i'd considered infidelity, but I thankfully never crossed that line. If you love someone, be with them, if you don't, its time to move on. That being said, we are all human, and we all make mistakes. It's finding true forgiveness for these mistakes that is the hard part. So if you can truly forgive her, and it will take time, then you stand a pretty good chance of salvaging your relationship. But if you believe that this is something you will never really be able to get over, something you will bring up every time you have a fight, then its only going to cause you more pain in the end.
on edge Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 gross. get tested ASAP and dump that ho! You deserve a lot better.
Don Ho Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Here's the thing. There were many times in my past relationship where i've felt trapped, and yes i'd considered infidelity, but I thankfully never crossed that line. If you love someone, be with them, if you don't, its time to move on. That being said, we are all human, and we all make mistakes. It's finding true forgiveness for these mistakes that is the hard part. So if you can truly forgive her, and it will take time, then you stand a pretty good chance of salvaging your relationship. But if you believe that this is something you will never really be able to get over, something you will bring up every time you have a fight, then its only going to cause you more pain in the end. No offense, but spoken like a woman. I think women, statistically, take cheating men back much more often than men take cheating women back. Maybe that's due to their nurturing instinct and forgiving nature or kids or to keep the nest together. As you know, there is also a double standard. Regardless, as a man, I would never take a woman back that cheated on me. 1. It's the ultimate insult. 2. They will do it again. 3. You will always distrust her and have that suspicion in your gut. 4. It's disgusting to think some other guy had his dick in there .... and I'm not going in after another guy. Just my thoughts.
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