Where do I go from here………?

[Mia Mia]

It is sad that you are going through this,and I know you miss MM a lot but it has only been 2 months and time will heal, allow yourself to heal this is a crazy ride and if you put yourself in the situation with him again chances are it will be the same result.

[2themoon&back]

The W sounds psychopatic and that would explain why she has such a strong hold on him, if he's a susceptible person to this sort of control and veiled emotional abuse.

 

That would explain a lot about the whole dynamics, why he was unable to pull himself away from you (he's looking for real love and support) and why you suffered so much (you were indirectly exposed to this toxic influence through him).

 

I wish I could write something that would help you feel better.

 

Many hugs to you, sweetie.

 

 

your words and a few others have given me some possible answers to some of the questions i am to embarrassed to ask.... i ask myself them all the time and have come up with some real winners of answers!

 

what you did write does help me feel better, even though i have never asked MM to leave his M, i did recognize he seemed to take a lot of risk, even knowing the outcome if the A did not come to an end (he had 4 warnings from W that if it did not stop she was going to divorce him) and MM continued the A anyway, it was like he would do everything he could to get put out of his M (i do believe this is the coward way to achieve his goal and he did admit to being weak...i guess i could be wrong), and i did question the W's reactions( i guess her threats were hollow), but you have given me food for thought as well as a couple of other post.

 

i also believe theirs is what you would call a toxic relationship, one i do not understand at all, but again a few of you here do, so thanks for cluing me into that...and with that maybe i can understand how/why it has affected me. i do know there had to be problems with the M before i got there and my guess is those problems will be there long after i am gone. i hate what happened to his daughter, and am sorry i had any part in it, just by way of being involved with her dad.

 

sorry to be so wordy, i just do not have anyone to talk about this to right now or how do you talk to anyone else that wont judge you, the only people i talk to are my IC, my xH, and my mom, i have not left my house in about 3 weeks except to go to my appointments.

 

so you can say every little bit helps ..... Your post was a big help !! thank you!

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

hugs for you too!!!

[lilbunny]

So sorry you are going through all of this and feeling so low. However bad you might be feeling now, you can only go through this mill so many times and there comes a time to say enough is enough.

 

The behaviour of the W towards the child, revealing that information about her paternity and reading the texts was bad and he still didn't leave. He has moved out previously, been through legal processes to sign over assets, been discovered in an affair and he is STILL at home.

 

Going NC is hard and the added complication of the workplace is something I am trying to work through myself, so I can empathise with that. The gossips move on to a new target quickly enough if there is nothing new to fuel a story. Look after yourself. For me I know I need to plan ahead, plan routes to various places I go in the building to avoid him, make sure I take breaks with other friends etc. Think about how he fits into your work routine and how to minimise that contact. I'll let you know how I get on with it, but focusing on the practical has helped me through a tough couple of days.

 

Take care and be strong.

[2themoon&back]

OMG, how completely devastating. I am so sorry for your situation and what you have been put through, because you've just been put through something awful. From an objective point of view, it seems like the relationship MM has with his W is toxic, that is to say, none of what you describe is rational behavior. When people are hurt this badly, they do very strange things, but this feels pretty severe. And quite frankly, if you were my friend I would say THANK GOD you are out of that so you can start to recover.

 

The other advice you've received is good and that is:

 

1) Stay NC. This is seriously the only way to get ahold of your emotions and start to see a bit more clearly. It is so difficult and painful, but it works. It stops you from getting back into a relationship with a MM that is clearly taking you nowhere. His feelings for you are irrelevant and he is demonstrating something very scary in the number of times he has put you through this.

 

2) Which leads me to... being yanked back and forth is what is making this more traumatic than the ending of "normal" relationship. Your mind can't tolerate the ride, it's confusing, it's painful, and it destroys your spirit. You lose yourself and your confidence in even knowing what day it is, let alone sort out what is going on. I've been there, it's brutal. He may in his heart somewhere want to be with you, but he's had one foot out the door and the other on a banana peel how many times and still couldn't pull the trigger, so he obviously for some reason can't be with you. And yet, he won't be kind enough to you to just let you go. Realize that when he reaches out to you again, he does not want what you want. And the reason doesn't matter. All that matters is....

 

3) You have to protect yourself. Love yourself, forgive yourself, and meet your new best friend - yourself. Realize that you are hurt and treat yourself like you would treat your best friend if she were hurt. For all the little accomplishments you make (like getting out of bed and going to work) congratulate yourself. Write things down and get it out of your system. Keep going to your counselor. And in your mind somewhere, please thank GOD that he is leaving you alone. That is the kindest thing it sounds like he's ever done to you.

 

And BTW, just to relate, My xMM was also someone I worked with, and it feels worse when this stuff bleeds into more than your personal world because you feel you have no place to go where he is not, and you get paranoid about it seeping in and affecting your credibility and reputation. So if you guys are a rumor topic, it will die down soon enough. And if you wanted to, when you're ready, you could try to make a strong effort to think about your job, what you're strengths are, what you like about it, and set specific goals towards your work that you can meet to gain confidence and re-set your framework there.

 

Finally, take it one day at a time, and realize that you deserve to be treated way better than what you described and that this behavior is not the behavior of a man who deserves to be with you.

 

Good luck and ((hugs)) to you....

 

 

 

what can i say but thank you for opening the doors for me and showing me i still have choices in all this mess, you inspire me and i know in time i will be even more grateful for your post than i am today... so i will read it and re-read it to remind me i am not just a bad person that deserves nothing.

 

i do miss MM and love him, but he already knows all this and i know without a doubt he loved me, but as the song says what does love have to do with it..... so i feel there is nothing else to say to him, not at this point anyway, maybe one day say goodbye to him but i know i may only be talking to myself and when i feel the need to see him i look at the moon(it was something we did every night) and when i want to tell him something i write in the journal i bought for that reason only... the one thing i am sure of in my heart is nothing will ever be the same now for anyone involved and i just have to believe it must have needed to be changed... for whatever reasons.

 

hugs 2 you and lots of them

[2sure]

Its amazing isnt it? When you look back on your own behavior as you stated in your posts...you know that you made bad decisions, you know you are responsible for your part in getting yourself in this mess....But still, it HURTS. And even though you know those things..it doesnt make it any easier or answer the question "why".

 

He is a manipulator. He wants everyone to want him and love him. You and his wife. Please do not make the mistake of thinking HE is being manipulated by his wife....He is doing to her the same "convincing" that he had done to you.

 

That is especially clear when you see she keeps throwing him out, as he expected...but he keeps being able to beg his way back in, as he expected. This is not the first time! Thats no small accomplishment - this guy has her coming and going. So, its wrong to blame his wife. To get over this, you need to focus on the reality of what happened, not anything he told you, but what he DID. Otherwise you will convince yourself that you Lost something and regret it...thats not what will help you here.

 

You dodged a bullet, unlike his wife.

[2themoon&back]

So sorry you are going through all of this and feeling so low. However bad you might be feeling now, you can only go through this mill so many times and there comes a time to say enough is enough.

 

The behaviour of the W towards the child, revealing that information about her paternity and reading the texts was bad and he still didn't leave. He has moved out previously, been through legal processes to sign over assets, been discovered in an affair and he is STILL at home.

 

Going NC is hard and the added complication of the workplace is something I am trying to work through myself, so I can empathise with that. The gossips move on to a new target quickly enough if there is nothing new to fuel a story. Look after yourself. For me I know I need to plan ahead, plan routes to various places I go in the building to avoid him, make sure I take breaks with other friends etc. Think about how he fits into your work routine and how to minimise that contact. I'll let you know how I get on with it, but focusing on the practical has helped me through a tough couple of days.

 

Take care and be strong.

 

 

 

 

i cannot help but smile here ... in the first part of your post ... you sound just like me.... it seems so unbelievable, but it is all fact, all true, and yes he is still there after being caught having an A with the same woman 4 times....one that he has told W over and over he was in love with... but i guess that really does not matter in the big picture, it only matters to me, it is something i keep questioning, instead of trusting i know what i know to be as true as anything anyone could ever tell me on that matter.

 

as for work you sound like you have a good plan in place, for me at work it is very different, i got moved from a admin. job to a mind numbing job that is very isolated, no one there but me and my hours changed from 8 hours 5 days a week to 12 hr shifts, i also successfully sponsored some of the organizations were i worked for years, and was removed from all of them without reason, this has been very hard on me, and my so called friends there have told me if i had not made myself available to him this would not have happen, or that i wrecked his home, so they all must be saints and i am Venus, because i am totally the only one responsible there !! good for them.

 

i have not been to work in 3 weeks, and will not be going back for at least another 4 weeks, in the mean time i am trying to crawl out of the pit i am in and make myself a plan too. so please keep me posted on how you are holding up and if i come up with something great i will share it with you !!!

 

 

until we speak again take care yourself and you seem strong to me so i will do my best to follow suit!!!

[2themoon&back]

Its amazing isnt it? When you look back on your own behavior as you stated in your posts...you know that you made bad decisions, you know you are responsible for your part in getting yourself in this mess....But still, it HURTS. And even though you know those things..it doesnt make it any easier or answer the question "why".

 

He is a manipulator. He wants everyone to want him and love him. You and his wife. Please do not make the mistake of thinking HE is being manipulated by his wife....He is doing to her the same "convincing" that he had done to you.

 

That is especially clear when you see she keeps throwing him out, as he expected...but he keeps being able to beg his way back in, as he expected. This is not the first time! Thats no small accomplishment - this guy has her coming and going. So, its wrong to blame his wife. To get over this, you need to focus on the reality of what happened, not anything he told you, but what he DID. Otherwise you will convince yourself that you Lost something and regret it...thats not what will help you here.

 

You dodged a bullet, unlike his wife.

 

 

 

 

you may be right, what i do blame the W for is always addressing me for their problems, i was one part of the problem, not the whole problem, and she did a lot of mean things to her child that were not called for, a 12yr old has no business being used to force someone to do or feel anything.

 

She also has the right to give ideal threats, i feel they only fuel MM to think nothing’s really ever going to happen to MM no matter what he does, so he should just do what he wants.

 

because if she ever really put him out of the M, she would not have shown up at the hotel, why would she --this was the W’s 4th go round in this same situation with the same woman and MM signed everything over to her in front of her lawyer and W was shocked at how easy that was for him to do.... so what was her reason, i will tell you, she said she did not want him there with her but she would not allow him to be with me either.... and the next day she had him come home, then she made him rent an apartment that he could not stay in, he was supposed to stay there for at least 6 months (MM said on many occasions he needed time by himself to work all this out) but that was not an option for her. W is also a very good at manipulation.

 

i do believe MM is pretty good at manipulating any situation, i do not think he has good foresight to see how things are going to shake out. i think he thought W would just be done with him eventually and he would be free to do as he pleases, not just with me but himself.

 

 

i know me enough to know that when i am finished i am finished but only when i have had enough, not before that and it does not matter how much begging is done or how much manipulating is going on ... i am still done, usually because i have had enough pain to make me stop... maybe they are not there yet.

 

either way i am still where i am and i am trying to get right... but from where i am sitting it is a long hard road ... thanks for your words all advise is helpful.

 

as far as that bullet it hit me in the heart ...........

[2themoon&back]

not really in need, just curious why the anger of someone you help to hurt in real life isn't understandable, and why you would want anything to happen to your xH. I don't get it, why do you want anything to happen to your xH? Seems as if he completely forgave you for what you did, and you want something to "happen" to him?

 

 

 

i do understand W's anger, with me and i fully expected it and accept it, but i was not alone in the situation and ever time W has found out she focuses on me, saying MM would not have done this if i had not tempted him or pursued him, and that MM must be sick, or having a mid--life crises, because MM would never do this to her if i had not made him have an A....... really i have that much power ?? no i do not!! This is how she sees MM having an affair.

 

even while they were in MC because of the A, MM still continued the A as did i.

 

i did not know this until recently that i am not MM’s first A, he had a couple "flings" when he was younger, none that amounted to this situation though. So how can W only believe i am the reason her H strayed, i was not involved in his flings nor will i be involved the next time MM does this and i am sure he will do this again because W has shown him nothing bad is really going to happen to him, by all the threats the W has made and not followed through on, he had an A because he wanted to that’s what I know for sure.

 

as far as my xH, well i say this because me, my xH, and MM work at the same place, my xH told the W the affair was still going on, she already knew about the affair on 3 different occasions, before he told her... my point being if the people at my job feel a need to pass morel judgment then pass it around the lot of us, not just me (my xH was even a little perplexed by this that he did not get any grief nor the MM)... no one likes the person who tells all either, but no i do not want anything bad to happen to him, he is my friend and has been a great support to me during this time. we were separated long time before the A started (hence the reason he did not get angry with me… we both had moved on from our marriage), he was just angry with MM for not telling him about the A, they were friends and xH would not have judged him, he did not judge him even now, he just did not want me to get hurt anymore than I had. (I guess you could say he was looking out on me)

 

please tell me if this clears things up or not …. Thanks

[2sure]

Sigh. Look - it is clear that MM has his wife as snowed as you.

You dont have to accept that right now...but you will.

 

To get over this entire mess the best thing you can do for yourself is stop altogether thinking about what he said, what he said he said, what his wife said, what anyone said.

 

Just think about what he did and what he didnt do. Process that. Because thats whats real. Reality you can get over and learn from and even grow from.

[2themoon&back]

Sigh. Look - it is clear that MM has his wife as snowed as you.

You dont have to accept that right now...but you will.

 

To get over this entire mess the best thing you can do for yourself is stop altogether thinking about what he said, what he said he said, what his wife said, what anyone said.

 

Just think about what he did and what he didnt do. Process that. Because thats whats real. Reality you can get over and learn from and even grow from.

 

 

i will do my best, sorry if i fall short because i am still snow blind..... i hope to be seeing things more clearly soon and i know better than anyone what MM did and did not do, i just have not figured out the way to keep that from hurting the way it does.... wish me luck !!

[2sure]

I do wish you the best . Remember that a crisis such as this always leads to change and growth. All you have to do is be sure you are facing the right direction. There is no cure for a broken heart , but the healing process itself often leads to some beautiful and necessary changes/lessons that will help form the rest of your life.

[Thunderbolt]

Moon,

 

I hope you're hanging in there and doing a little better.

 

Please listen to what 2sure has been writing to you. She has a lot of good insight and her suggestions and statements will truly do you well.

 

I played the flip flop game for far too long. I think I finally reached a breaking point as I'm 9 weeks into NC...the longest we've ever gone.

 

What's helped me along the way is to just forget about the W. MM had told W about us. He probably told her more than he should have. She gave him a choice. She told him that he could stay home but he had to ditch me, or he could move and do what he wanted. He moved out but moved back 3 months later when she asked him to. This was his choice. Sure, she probably laid the guilt on thick, but it was still his choice. MM and his W have not attended any MC since telling her about us (nearly a year ago). This made me really mad. If he's at home, I want him to make his marriage work. Yes, I miss him and want him back. But, he's made the choice to be at home and I have to accept it, even if I don't agree with how him and his W are handling the aftermath. The part I'm having a such a hard time with is him living in limbo. Not really working on his marriage, but also not leaving. But, at the end of the day, this is his life and he can live it the way he chooses. If his W chooses to sweep the entire 3 1/2 year affair under the rug, then that's her choice. Perhaps they're both okay with this way of living. I'm not, and this is why I'm desperately trying to move on. If he's not happy at home, that's his problem. If he's fine with the way things are, great. Who am I to say how he should live his life with his W.

 

Like 2sure said, this man has done you a favor. You do not want this type of bad energy in your life. Yes, I feel a little melancholy every day. No, I DO NOT miss his indecisiveness and his inability to be a man. You are going to hurt for a while but you will gradually feel better, trust me. You should definitely try to get a job transfer.

 

Sometimes life really sucks and doesn't seem fair. Sorry to sound cliche, everything truly does happen for a reason. It may take a while to understand why you're going through all this pain, but one day it will all make sense.

 

Hang in there and be strong. Keep your thoughts focused on yourself. Not him, not his W, not their situation...this will consume you and eat you alive. He's obviously not able to make his own decisions. Do you really want to be with someone like this. It sounds like he has the ability to really hurt you even if you did end up together. There's no future looking in the past. Look forward to what your life could be. You deserve so much more than him.

[TigerCub]

Moon,

 

I hope you're hanging in there and doing a little better.

 

Please listen to what 2sure has been writing to you. She has a lot of good insight and her suggestions and statements will truly do you well.

 

I played the flip flop game for far too long. I think I finally reached a breaking point as I'm 9 weeks into NC...the longest we've ever gone.

 

What's helped me along the way is to just forget about the W. MM had told W about us. He probably told her more than he should have. She gave him a choice. She told him that he could stay home but he had to ditch me, or he could move and do what he wanted. He moved out but moved back 3 months later when she asked him to. This was his choice. Sure, she probably laid the guilt on thick, but it was still his choice. MM and his W have not attended any MC since telling her about us (nearly a year ago). This made me really mad. If he's at home, I want him to make his marriage work. Yes, I miss him and want him back. But, he's made the choice to be at home and I have to accept it, even if I don't agree with how him and his W are handling the aftermath. The part I'm having a such a hard time with is him living in limbo. Not really working on his marriage, but also not leaving. But, at the end of the day, this is his life and he can live it the way he chooses. If his W chooses to sweep the entire 3 1/2 year affair under the rug, then that's her choice. Perhaps they're both okay with this way of living. I'm not, and this is why I'm desperately trying to move on. If he's not happy at home, that's his problem. If he's fine with the way things are, great. Who am I to say how he should live his life with his W.

 

Like 2sure said, this man has done you a favor. You do not want this type of bad energy in your life. Yes, I feel a little melancholy every day. No, I DO NOT miss his indecisiveness and his inability to be a man. You are going to hurt for a while but you will gradually feel better, trust me. You should definitely try to get a job transfer.

 

Sometimes life really sucks and doesn't seem fair. Sorry to sound cliche, everything truly does happen for a reason. It may take a while to understand why you're going through all this pain, but one day it will all make sense.

 

Hang in there and be strong. Keep your thoughts focused on yourself. Not him, not his W, not their situation...this will consume you and eat you alive. He's obviously not able to make his own decisions. Do you really want to be with someone like this. It sounds like he has the ability to really hurt you even if you did end up together. There's no future looking in the past. Look forward to what your life could be. You deserve so much more than him.

 

Let me just say WOW Thunderbolt!!

 

I know you were talking specifically to Moon, but I gotta say, your advice and just the way you word everything and put it in prespective could be very helpful to anyone in this kind of situation.

 

I find it difficult to move on in my situation when I think of my MM's babby momma and how he's with her cuz of the kids, and he's not really happy, but you are so right, thinking of MM and his "wife" and their choices on how they lead miserable lives will get me nowhere. Paying it no mind and concentrating on me would do me a lot better!

 

Thank you for you post. I'm really gonna keep what you said in mind

[Thunderbolt]

Thanks Tiger.

 

I'm just trying to speak from experience. I'm glad you were able to take something away from my post.

[Ellin]

your words and a few others have given me some possible answers to some of the questions i am to embarrassed to ask.... i ask myself them all the time and have come up with some real winners of answers!

 

what you did write does help me feel better, even though i have never asked MM to leave his M, i did recognize he seemed to take a lot of risk, even knowing the outcome if the A did not come to an end (he had 4 warnings from W that if it did not stop she was going to divorce him) and MM continued the A anyway, it was like he would do everything he could to get put out of his M (i do believe this is the coward way to achieve his goal and he did admit to being weak...i guess i could be wrong), and i did question the W's reactions( i guess her threats were hollow), but you have given me food for thought as well as a couple of other post.

 

i also believe theirs is what you would call a toxic relationship, one i do not understand at all, but again a few of you here do, so thanks for cluing me into that...and with that maybe i can understand how/why it has affected me. i do know there had to be problems with the M before i got there and my guess is those problems will be there long after i am gone. i hate what happened to his daughter, and am sorry i had any part in it, just by way of being involved with her dad.

 

sorry to be so wordy, i just do not have anyone to talk about this to right now or how do you talk to anyone else that wont judge you, the only people i talk to are my IC, my xH, and my mom, i have not left my house in about 3 weeks except to go to my appointments.

 

so you can say every little bit helps ..... Your post was a big help !! thank you!

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

hugs for you too!!!

Dear friend, look up toxic relationships, emotional/psychological manipulation, controlling behavior, psychopatic or narcissistc abuse.

 

His W sounds awful and her behavior is way out of line, you can see from miles away her resorting to every outrageous way under the sun to overwhelm and control this man - being crazily into him (matching tatoos?) and threatening with whatever she can in turns. Putting him out of home just to take him back soon after (so that he wouldn't have enough time to distance himself emotionally from the whole mess), threatening (empty threats are very telling) with D and surely all problems that would arise from it (exagerrating it most likely), and the things she did to their daughter???

 

And all the while he repeatedly professed his love for you in front of her and other people (any normal person would let him go at that point). It looks like he desperately tried to free himself from the hold she has over him but failed. I don't want to portray her as evil or something because this is one of those debatable questions of "evil or sick", but he's in for a long ride with her, I suspect, and the only thing you can do to make yourself better is to try and distance yourself from all of it (just like a co-dependent partner of an addict has to do), because this is the only thing YOU have control over, otherwise it will drive you over the edge.

 

Be strong and keep posting.

Wish you all the best.

[2themoon&back]

Dear friend, look up toxic relationships, emotional/psychological manipulation, controlling behavior, psychopatic or narcissistc abuse.

 

His W sounds awful and her behavior is way out of line, you can see from miles away her resorting to every outrageous way under the sun to overwhelm and control this man - being crazily into him (matching tatoos?) and threatening with whatever she can in turns. Putting him out of home just to take him back soon after (so that he wouldn't have enough time to distance himself emotionally from the whole mess), threatening (empty threats are very telling) with D and surely all problems that would arise from it (exagerrating it most likely), and the things she did to their daughter???

 

And all the while he repeatedly professed his love for you in front of her and other people (any normal person would let him go at that point). It looks like he desperately tried to free himself from the hold she has over him but failed. I don't want to portray her as evil or something because this is one of those debatable questions of "evil or sick", but he's in for a long ride with her, I suspect, and the only thing you can do to make yourself better is to try and distance yourself from all of it (just like a co-dependent partner of an addict has to do), because this is the only thing YOU have control over, otherwise it will drive you over the edge.

 

Be strong and keep posting.

Wish you all the best.

 

ellin.......... you are dead on right..... to me what you said has to be the only plausible conclusion !! i have already drove myself to the edge, i am trying not to fall off, ha... with that said i have questioned his feelings, i have seconded guessed myself over and over... even when i know what happened (i was there) and still question if i imagined it all. Because like you said and i have said .... i do think he did all he was capable of doing in this situation...and i do believe that one persons sickness can spread to others! and i agree with you that most of us would have let the MM just go after all of that .... so your post tells me that 1+1...still =2---i was beginning to think the world had changed and no one told me !!

 

i am trying very very hard to come to terms with the fact that MM is never coming back ... i have to say never so i do not hope for anything and be disappointed any further... and i lose this battle hourly, but i win a few times and with time i know i will win more often than not, it is just such a painful process.

 

i would like to ask you a couple of questions though, since you seem to have your finger on the pulse of this situation... (and to compare to what i think)

 

do you think MM will eventually contact me again? (i say yes he will...not sure why but i think he will, and i pray when and if this happens i am a lot further along with my healing)

 

do you think MM will have another A, with someone else? (again i think he will, due to the fact he now knows nothing will happen to him ---like having a free pass)

 

do you think they will eventually D? (i am not sure here, i have mixed feelings---i think yes but only if it is what W wants)

 

do not get me wrong i know and am working on the only thing i can control.... ME, but i think this may be how i deal with things questioning the whole situation every aspect of it, i believe questioning is normal, and i believe it does not change the outcome of what i am doing or going through... i have stepped away and have all intentions of staying away, that is why the mourning is so real and painful for me. so if you answer these questions or not, i will still wonder about them... as for your post it has validated me in such a way i cannot describe, thank you for taking the time to do so, it meant a lot to me.

 

And just to let you know … the word “toxic” is absolutely correct and I would not keep drinking poison or at least I hope I would not ha

 

Thank you again, I feel hopeful!!

Edited September 7, 2010 by 2themoon&back

[2themoon&back]

Moon,

 

I hope you're hanging in there and doing a little better.

 

Please listen to what 2sure has been writing to you. She has a lot of good insight and her suggestions and statements will truly do you well.

 

I played the flip flop game for far too long. I think I finally reached a breaking point as I'm 9 weeks into NC...the longest we've ever gone.

 

What's helped me along the way is to just forget about the W. MM had told W about us. He probably told her more than he should have. She gave him a choice. She told him that he could stay home but he had to ditch me, or he could move and do what he wanted. He moved out but moved back 3 months later when she asked him to. This was his choice. Sure, she probably laid the guilt on thick, but it was still his choice. MM and his W have not attended any MC since telling her about us (nearly a year ago). This made me really mad. If he's at home, I want him to make his marriage work. Yes, I miss him and want him back. But, he's made the choice to be at home and I have to accept it, even if I don't agree with how him and his W are handling the aftermath. The part I'm having a such a hard time with is him living in limbo. Not really working on his marriage, but also not leaving. But, at the end of the day, this is his life and he can live it the way he chooses. If his W chooses to sweep the entire 3 1/2 year affair under the rug, then that's her choice. Perhaps they're both okay with this way of living. I'm not, and this is why I'm desperately trying to move on. If he's not happy at home, that's his problem. If he's fine with the way things are, great. Who am I to say how he should live his life with his W.

 

Like 2sure said, this man has done you a favor. You do not want this type of bad energy in your life. Yes, I feel a little melancholy every day. No, I DO NOT miss his indecisiveness and his inability to be a man. You are going to hurt for a while but you will gradually feel better, trust me. You should definitely try to get a job transfer.

 

Sometimes life really sucks and doesn't seem fair. Sorry to sound cliche, everything truly does happen for a reason. It may take a while to understand why you're going through all this pain, but one day it will all make sense.

 

Hang in there and be strong. Keep your thoughts focused on yourself. Not him, not his W, not their situation...this will consume you and eat you alive. He's obviously not able to make his own decisions. Do you really want to be with someone like this. It sounds like he has the ability to really hurt you even if you did end up together. There's no future looking in the past. Look forward to what your life could be. You deserve so much more than him.

 

 

just checking in and saying thank you thank you thank you and i am working very hard .... i have never been this long with NC either so i am having to deal with new emotions because of it .... tuff stuff ... i hope you are well and still hanging in there ... i feel very weak right now but fear and the support i have gotten here have helped me maintain

[Thunderbolt]

You're very welcome. I'm glad you're hanging in there.

 

You should be proud of the fact that you're further into NC than you've ever been. This is a huge milestone and please remember this any time you get the urge to contact MM. Don't even think about throwing away everything you've worked for. Even though you're feeling weak, you've covered a lot more ground then you realize. 2 months is a long time of NC. Sure, you still feel a ton of pain. But, if you were to go back to day one, you'd wish you were back at the 2 month mark.

 

Just keep pushing through the pain. That's what I've been doing. I recently started reading the book "A Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. It's a really good read and gives a lot perspective on taking control of one's life and facing problems head on. I just finished a few sections last night regarding love. It's kind of tough read, but if you get in the zone there's a lot of good info that pertains to many aspects of life.

 

Keep your chin up.

[Ellin]

ellin.......... you are dead on right..... to me what you said has to be the only plausible conclusion !! i have already drove myself to the edge, i am trying not to fall off, ha... with that said i have questioned his feelings, i have seconded guessed myself over and over... even when i know what happened (i was there) and still question if i imagined it all. Because like you said and i have said .... i do think he did all he was capable of doing in this situation...and i do believe that one persons sickness can spread to others! and i agree with you that most of us would have let the MM just go after all of that .... so your post tells me that 1+1...still =2---i was beginning to think the world had changed and no one told me !!

I'm truly happy if I can help the tiniest bit.

 

You're right, a manipulative, controlling person is usually skilled in making people close to them feel like they are the ones, who are crazy. This can extend on to others, who are in some kind of R with the "primary targets".

 

i am trying very very hard to come to terms with the fact that MM is never coming back ... i have to say never so i do not hope for anything and be disappointed any further... and i lose this battle hourly, but i win a few times and with time i know i will win more often than not, it is just such a painful process.

It's great that you're doing the best you can for yourself and not giving up even when it gets hard. You'll get through this!

 

And it's best to think he's never coming back, because if you manage to accept it, you'll be fine whether he returns or not.

i would like to ask you a couple of questions though, since you seem to have your finger on the pulse of this situation... (and to compare to what i think)

 

do you think MM will eventually contact me again? (i say yes he will...not sure why but i think he will, and i pray when and if this happens i am a lot further along with my healing)

 

do you think MM will have another A, with someone else? (again i think he will, due to the fact he now knows nothing will happen to him ---like having a free pass)

 

do you think they will eventually D? (i am not sure here, i have mixed feelings---i think yes but only if it is what W wants)

 

do not get me wrong i know and am working on the only thing i can control.... ME, but i think this may be how i deal with things questioning the whole situation every aspect of it, i believe questioning is normal, and i believe it does not change the outcome of what i am doing or going through... i have stepped away and have all intentions of staying away, that is why the mourning is so real and painful for me. so if you answer these questions or not, i will still wonder about them... as for your post it has validated me in such a way i cannot describe, thank you for taking the time to do so, it meant a lot to me.

 

And just to let you know … the word “toxic” is absolutely correct and I would not keep drinking poison or at least I hope I would not ha

 

Thank you again, I feel hopeful!!

I wish I could answer those question with certainty, but I could only do it if I had special powers of seeing the future... but I think it's not even possible, sonce future is not set in stone. It is what we make it.

 

You asked if he'll contact you again, I my bet would be that you'll hear from him again at some point.

 

You have a good point that he knows now his W likely won't leave him if he has another A, but I think that she has put him through the emotional equivalent of a mincing machine and since he eventually gave in, it means her grip of him has tightened now. He probably won't attempt to rock the boat for some time (long or short) and once things at home start getting unbearable again, he might try to do something about it, but I really can't say what as it depends on how he deals with problems and how ready he might be to do what's most reasonable. He could - depending on the situation - seek contact with you again or find someone else or really finish with the W...

 

It doesn't sound like his life is a fairy tale over there, so there will be problems, that's why D is something that can be reasonably expected, although it may take many years.

 

These are just my guesses.

 

I know how frustrating it is for you to watch the person you love putting himself in this situation, while you'd do anything to make him happy. It also makes you feel like your best is not good enough. But it's not like that.

 

You can't help someone who doesn't want to or cannot help himself. Maybe his soul has a lesson to learn and that's what is keeping him in this destructive experience.

 

If you think he has treated you badly, as if you're unworthy, remember the fact that this is how he's treating himself.

 

Also, see the great potential here for you to learn and become stronger. If you get through this (and you will) nothing will break you.

Take care.

[2themoon&back]

I'm truly happy if I can help the tiniest bit.

 

You're right, a manipulative, controlling person is usually skilled in making people close to them feel like they are the ones, who are crazy. This can extend on to others, who are in some kind of R with the "primary targets".

 

 

It's great that you're doing the best you can for yourself and not giving up even when it gets hard. You'll get through this!

 

And it's best to think he's never coming back, because if you manage to accept it, you'll be fine whether he returns or not.

 

I wish I could answer those question with certainty, but I could only do it if I had special powers of seeing the future... but I think it's not even possible, sonce future is not set in stone. It is what we make it.

 

You asked if he'll contact you again, I my bet would be that you'll hear from him again at some point.

 

You have a good point that he knows now his W likely won't leave him if he has another A, but I think that she has put him through the emotional equivalent of a mincing machine and since he eventually gave in, it means her grip of him has tightened now. He probably won't attempt to rock the boat for some time (long or short) and once things at home start getting unbearable again, he might try to do something about it, but I really can't say what as it depends on how he deals with problems and how ready he might be to do what's most reasonable. He could - depending on the situation - seek contact with you again or find someone else or really finish with the W...

 

It doesn't sound like his life is a fairy tale over there, so there will be problems, that's why D is something that can be reasonably expected, although it may take many years.

 

These are just my guesses.

 

I know how frustrating it is for you to watch the person you love putting himself in this situation, while you'd do anything to make him happy. It also makes you feel like your best is not good enough. But it's not like that.

 

You can't help someone who doesn't want to or cannot help himself. Maybe his soul has a lesson to learn and that's what is keeping him in this destructive experience.

 

If you think he has treated you badly, as if you're unworthy, remember the fact that this is how he's treating himself.

 

Also, see the great potential here for you to learn and become stronger. If you get through this (and you will) nothing will break you.

Take care.

 

 

i love the way you think.... and i am so grateful you stumbled on to my post ....we have like minds... just right now mine is in too much pain to process anything because i know i am to raw and close to the hurt and that has distorted my perception right now.

 

thank you for humoring me with you insight to my questions ... i will look forward to hearing from you again until then please know that someone thinks very highly of you and is hopefully because of your time .......you take care as well!

[2themoon&back]

Well it is November 1, and I just re read my first post since August. WoW, how things change and at the same time they don’t.

 

I still love and miss xMM very much, I think about him every day, just not all day every day. I still cry a lot but not as often. I have tried very hard not to die because of everything that happened, so far I am winning!

 

I remember in January during my first DDay, I wrote my own obituary, because the person I had know all my life died that day, but as the circle of life would have it just as one person dies, even spiritual, another one is born, and I have been reborn a couple of times since January. But I think then person I am now will be here for a while so as much as I have fought against her---I seem to be stuck with her at the moment.

 

I have made very slow progress but that maybe just how I deal with things I don’t know, but I have made progress and I have to find 2 positives for every negative in myself, sometimes it is getting dressed and brushing my hair, to feeling horrible, sometimes it’s a little bigger than that.

 

I do have some hope now and no matter how bad this feels, and I may never love that way again and in a way I hope I don’t, because I am sure I could not handle it if I lost it again and this is something I am not ever willing to experience again, I am going to keep on keeping on.

 

I have even left my house to shop and go out to eat with my family a couple of times and am considering going back to work, to me I have come a long way!!

 

I really have no reason to post all this tonight except to update myself and the few people who helped me here on LS when I did not have a friend in the world or any where to turn so that’s that for now… this is me still trying to figure out my way !!

[Dexter Morgan]

So did you do psychopatic things like that when you were betrayed?

 

what part of "some people" didn't ya get?

 

and no, I didn't do psychopathic things. But it can make someone go nuts and not think clearly.

[Dexter Morgan]

not really in need, just curious why the anger of someone you help to hurt in real life isn't understandable, and why you would want anything to happen to your xH. I don't get it, why do you want anything to happen to your xH? Seems as if he completely forgave you for what you did, and you want something to "happen" to him?

 

 

as far as my xH, well i say this because me, my xH, and MM work at the same place, my xH told the W the affair was still going on

 

well good for him then. you wanting something bad to happen to a man you cheated on and pushed him to feel compelled to inform the other betrayed spouse, thats just despicable. you pushed him to do what he did, and want to hurt him even further.

 

 

she already knew about the affair on 3 different occasions, before he told her... my point being if the people at my job feel a need to pass morel judgment then pass it around the lot of us, not just me

 

no, pass it about you and the MM, not your husband. he didn't do anything wrong here.

 

you don't get to basically mentally abuse someone, then get mad at their reaction.

 

 

(my xH was even a little perplexed by this that he did not get any grief nor the MM)... no one likes the person who tells all either

 

depends, I absolutely understand that he did what he did. anyone that passes judgement on someone that was handed a s##t sandwich by his wife simply needs to feel that kind of pain first.

 

 

but no i do not want anything bad to happen to him, he is my friend and has been a great support to me during this time

 

then why did you say you did?

 

 

we were separated long time before the A started (hence the reason he did not get angry with me… we both had moved on from our marriage), he was just angry with MM for not telling him about the A, they were friends and xH would not have judged him, he did not judge him even now, he just did not want me to get hurt anymore than I had. (I guess you could say he was looking out on me)

 

please tell me if this clears things up or not …. Thanks

 

well after this last paragraph, it muddies it up even more. you xH didn't judge him, but decided to air the dirty laundry? doesn't make sense.

 

also doesn't make sense why if he is as good a man as you say why you'd even say you wanted something to happen to him that it wasn't fair he comes out of this unscathed.........he's been scathed....trust me on that.

[2themoon&back]

Dexter I have told you this before and I will tell you again, my xH and I were no longer together when I started A with a xMM. We had been separated and already filed for divorce; I did not betray him in any way that mattered to him.

 

I guess I need to say this so you will stop wasting time on my xH as a BS he is not one.

 

He knew about the affair and was fine with it; he had already gone on with his life. We were separated for almost 4 years before the divorce was final. He has recently told me why he told BS about the A, and that was to get MM off the fence, and not to spare BS’s feelings as much as to spare mine. So you are giving him credit for being injured, he is not.

 

As far me wanting anything to bad to happen to xH, I did not--- I was just saying that at our work, there are rules that apply to everyone, but in this case the rules only applied to me. Rank and position are involved and lines were crossed that are not supposed to be in the work place. My xH was and is aware of the rules and was also surprised that nothing happened to him or xMM for that matter, but politics are also involved and sometimes that may protect people who break rules the same as others without any real damage being done to their careers. In this case my career was damaged not xMM and we both broke the same rules.

 

I am not sure why you even bothered to post anything here, there is no advice just criticism to me and I can do enough of that to myself without your assistance in it. I know where you stand on the issue of A’s --- you are for all BS’s everywhere and you think they do no wrong--I am ok with that.

 

So I would have to ask you why even post on my thread except to point out I was inconsiderate and selfish to xMM’s BS, and I am sorry that I did anything to hurt her, it is done cannot undo it—lessoned learned, what else could you want here?

 

I know you will never have any empathy for me or any other person who cheats for that matter; I do not agree but respect that is your stance. In your eyes I am an awful person and I am grateful your eyes are not the ones that matter to me or the only ones looking. This one decision does not define me as a whole person.

 

It seems to me you are so busy defending the BS and putting everyone in their place you miss the truth. You seem well educated, but extremely narrow/closed minded on this subject

 

But do not defend a BS that does not exist here, there is only one BS in this situation and it is xMM’s BS not mine and if she ever post here then you will be johnny on the spot for her.

 

FYI, my xH, is not a saint here, but that is for me to post about as a BS not as OW.

Edited November 3, 2010 by 2themoon&back
to add

[Confused4Now]

Dexter I have told you this before and I will tell you again, my xH and I were no longer together when I started A with a xMM. We had been separated and already filed for divorce; I did not betray him in any way that mattered to him.

 

I guess I need to say this so you will stop wasting time on my xH as a BS he is not one.

 

He knew about the affair and was fine with it; he had already gone on with his life. We were separated for almost 4 years before the divorce was final. He has recently told me why he told BS about the A, and that was to get MM off the fence, and not to spare BS’s feelings as much as to spare mine. So you are giving him credit for being injured, he is not.

 

As far me wanting anything to bad to happen to xH, I did not--- I was just saying that at our work, there are rules that apply to everyone, but in this case the rules only applied to me. Rank and position are involved and lines were crossed that are not supposed to be in the work place. My xH was and is aware of the rules and was also surprised that nothing happened to him or xMM for that matter, but politics are also involved and sometimes that may protect people who break rules the same as others without any real damage being done to their careers. In this case my career was damaged not xMM and we both broke the same rules.

 

I am not sure why you even bothered to post anything here, there is no advice just criticism to me and I can do enough of that to myself without your assistance in it. I know where you stand on the issue of A’s --- you are for all BS’s everywhere and you think they do no wrong--I am ok with that.

 

So I would have to ask you why even post on my thread except to point out I was inconsiderate and selfish to xMM’s BS, and I am sorry that I did anything to hurt her, it is done cannot undo it—lessoned learned, what else could you want here?

 

I know you will never have any empathy for me or any other person who cheats for that matter; I do not agree but respect that is your stance. In your eyes I am an awful person and I am grateful your eyes are not the ones that matter to me or the only ones looking. This one decision does not define me as a whole person.

 

It seems to me you are so busy defending the BS and putting everyone in their place you miss the truth. You seem well educated, but extremely narrow/closed minded on this subject

 

But do not defend a BS that does not exist here, there is only one BS in this situation and it is xMM’s BS not mine and if she ever post here then you will be johnny on the spot for her.

 

FYI, my xH, is not a saint here, but that is for me to post about as a BS not as OW.

I agree with you 100% I can never understand why people offer no help on these boards.