breaking_bad Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 So I'm sort of pleased with myself today.... I just wanted to share it because it's been a while since I've been pleased with myself About a month ago, I officially decided enough is enough with the xMM, and have been generally NC, with the occasional interaction. - this is unfortunately necessary b/c I work with him and we have to talk often. However, I've tried this before but I repeatedly found myself getting reeled back in by him because he takes our need to interact as a chance to tell me how he feels, how much he still cares for me, he sends me cute little texts, I respond, and I get sucked back in to the backslide.... It's been totally excruciating because up until now I've been ready and willing to misinterpret all his interactions w/ me as an indication that he wants us to continue a relationship. But that's really never what he seems to mean. What he means is actually if I give you scraps maybe you'll take them. And that makes me feel like garbage, especially considering how little it took from him to get me back into it and thinking we had something we don't. Which gives me the wrong expectations and puts me right back in this agonizing situation where I'm in the twilight zone going through the same cycle over and over, with nothing on his part ever changing and me feeling like a complete psycho over it. (yes, lesson learned - NEVER again date where I work ).... Anyway, I've been reading "It's called a breakup because it's broken" and some may say it's a silly little book, but it's really helped me because it's like hearing from an actual friend, which I don't have the luxury of in person on this topic. And through this book, I realized alot of things, but most importantly that I am the only one that can control the backslide and set the boundaries based on what I need. And that when he wants to reach out and talk to me, it doesn't mean he wants to get back into a relationship or change anything whatsoever about what's going on, and I have to understand that. And when I fall back into that, all it does is set me back.... So I have gone totally NC w/ him on any social level - text, IM, facebook, phone, etc. and have set up an official weekly work call with him to establish that there will be no extracurricular communications. I have mentally committed that this is a work only meeting, that I will allow no social discussion/interaction, etc. and that I will not respond to any texts period, and use work email only to communicate business only items. Our first "weekly" meeting was today. I was really nervous, but we kept it totally about business, I had a list of things that I needed to speak w/ him about, we covered them, I said thanks, and hung up. So I feel really good that I made it through this without freaking out, and I think he gets the message. I feel so much more in control of things, and I feel like framing out these calls is a way for me to set the boundaries how I need them between us so I don't keep getting so mixed up. Anyway, it may seem small, but I feel really good today about where I am mentally and what I need to do to get back in control of my life. And I feel like this is the first time I've really understood that when he comes to find me, he does not mean/want what I think he means/wants So anyway, just wanted to write that out so I could brag on myself.... Thanks for listening!
Silly_Girl Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 That's phenomenal. Well done. I couldn't do that, kudos to you bb.
siuys Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 And through this book, I realized alot of things, but most importantly that I am the only one that can control the backslide and set the boundaries based on what I need. And that when he wants to reach out and talk to me, it doesn't mean he wants to get back into a relationship or change anything whatsoever about what's going on, and I have to understand that. Firstly, well done! You should be pleased with yourself. Nothing like feeling in control and empowered. Keep at it. I SO agree with the bolded bit above. It's so true. My xMM came back after he said he was going to work on his marriage. I love you bla bla bla. He came back with no changes, nothing new to offer and I took him back only to have him flip again a few days later (this time a 6-month break to sort himself out). Well, whatever the hell that means. If he comes back, he better have something to offer. I've been through enough s***. If he wants to maintain the status quo, then he better look for someone else's life to ruin. All the best.
Ellin Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 That's great!! Definitely huge progress. I'm pleased for you that you've found so much strength in yourself and are back in control of your life. That must feel good and can mean the end of many of your problems and the beginning of a new happier life. Please keep posting to give others inspiration. Take care.
Thunderbolt Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Good job! I can't imagine having to work with MM. It really hits home when you say he's come back around and you'd misinterpret the contact. I've done that many times. I would always figure that so much time had gone by with NC that he must surely have some good news to report. It was never the case. Keep up the good work!
lilbunny Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Yep that is indeed progress. It is my big day tomorrow, first day back at work. We are LC, NC just isn't possible because of work. Not had any contact for a month. I got in touch a few days ago, nothing heavy, thought it best to break the ice before we see each other, had nothing back. I'm not feeling great about it now, maybe that means he has made some choices, but I am suitably inspired to float in there in the morning like I haven't got a care in the world and straight past his office. I am also going in there looking as good as I possibly can, not to win him over, but I am not letting him think I have turned into some pathetic shell of a woman. I'd put money on him being at my door by morning tea break and I will be...BUSY! Consider me suitably inspired by your post bb!
Author breaking_bad Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 Firstly, well done! You should be pleased with yourself. Nothing like feeling in control and empowered. Keep at it. I SO agree with the bolded bit above. It's so true. My xMM came back after he said he was going to work on his marriage. I love you bla bla bla. He came back with no changes, nothing new to offer and I took him back only to have him flip again a few days later (this time a 6-month break to sort himself out). Well, whatever the hell that means. If he comes back, he better have something to offer. I've been through enough s***. If he wants to maintain the status quo, then he better look for someone else's life to ruin. All the best. Thanks And I really think that's the hardest part of things - this back and forth and really missing them so much, and any contact they want to give you relieves this terrible pain you are feeling. But it's fleeting because while they probably do miss you, and miss talking to you and seeing you, and even love you, that's just where it stops for them. And I am so embarassed at the way that I received that contact over and over, the number of times I cycled through it, misinterpreting what he was saying and doing to mean that there was hope again. And I took it right back there again in my mind. And when I did, he'd close down (because starting back up was not what he was looking for really) and I would melt down, because there I was having to re-live that whole thing again thinking there was something that could happen, when there wasn't. Sadly, it went on for so long, I just didn't have the strength and it was so impossible to tell him to go away when he was all I wanted. It just took me forever to really understand that even though he wants to talk to me, and see me, and think of me, what I was interpreting that to mean wasn't AT ALL what he wanted. We were pretty much having 2 different relationships. I just kind of fell apart when I realized that, even though I was at the breaking point already, I just hadn't grasped that and it was disabling me. And I had to really mourn this loss and then figure out what I was going to do to rebuild my life again, because I had let him take over almost all of it, and he really was entitled to none of it. He had his life and he chose it. Anyway, this NC thing, hard as it is, and it is hideous the first couple weeks, is just the godshonest best invention ever. It is really the only way, but for me I had to realize that my reaction to his reaching out to me was the cause of these cycles for me to realize that I control them. So now I do realize it, and I think I have started getting my boundaries drawn (very key for me), and I'm finding a bunch of things to do, even little things, and catching up with people who I've ignored way too long, and that helps me get back into the real world, and remember again the things that I enjoy, and hopefully figuring out even more things that I like. Oh, and I totally hide my blackberry after work hours and I keep it away from me on the weekends, just because it became this portal of destruction during the A and I feel it just didn't deserve the prominence I had given it in my life. Plus I realize I just work too much and I really should have better things to do anyway.... So good luck and hang in there. And seriously if you ever need inspiration, buy the "Breakup Because it's Broken" book. It is really hilarious and so honest I loved it....
Thunderbolt Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Breaking Bad...wow, you really took all the words out of my mouth. I can relate to nearly everything you've stated above. You're right, NC is the best invention ever. This is the only way to take the power back. How long have you been NC? lilbunny, I love your attitude. Keep it professional tomorrow and send a message through your actions. I second your thought about appearing confident and not a shell of a woman. Actions speak so much louder than words. Good luck tomorrow, keep your head up and keep on being a strong woman.
Author breaking_bad Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 Yep that is indeed progress. It is my big day tomorrow, first day back at work. We are LC, NC just isn't possible because of work. Not had any contact for a month. I got in touch a few days ago, nothing heavy, thought it best to break the ice before we see each other, had nothing back. I'm not feeling great about it now, maybe that means he has made some choices, but I am suitably inspired to float in there in the morning like I haven't got a care in the world and straight past his office. I am also going in there looking as good as I possibly can, not to win him over, but I am not letting him think I have turned into some pathetic shell of a woman. I'd put money on him being at my door by morning tea break and I will be...BUSY! Consider me suitably inspired by your post bb! Go bunny go.... Kick a**, feel great and be the master of your job tomorrow. That is who you are when you're there!
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