V4Vanna Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Hi all - I'm writing, because well I need to get this off my chest. I'm been dating a good guy I met online 2 months ago. From the beginning he's been VERY into our relationship and at first I thought it was cute, a bit intense, but still cute. By our second or third date he had told me he loved me and since then it's gotten fast really quick. Talking about marriage, meeting families, kids, and kids names. Granted I went along at first - because I just thought he was cute and really into me -but now it's just too much, too soon and I'm beginning to feel that we're not connected at all. He's had a lot of heartache in his past and I think in some part he's more into the idea of a relationship then me. As to my part I've never told him I love him, as I don't, and after two months of being together my feelings have not grown. I'm also discovering that the small amount of attraction I had for him, and thought I could handle as being 'it' on the attraction level between us, has dwindled to nothing. My problem now being is the actual act of breaking-up with him because he IS a good guy and even though I don't love him I do care about him. And I don't want him to think its anything that he did - its just that I don't think we're compatible. I'm so anxious about the thought of breaking up with him and what pain it'll cause him that I haven't slept and have even been physically ill over thinking about it. Sometimes I do truly believe, the pain of being the dumper can equal the pain of being the dumped.
JustJoe Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 There are two ways to handle this problem. 1) gradually distance yourself from him, and let the situation die of inactivity. Or. 2) Break it off, quick, clean and final. You have to decide whether you care enough about this man and know him well enough to chose between the two. Good Luck.
Lost Fish Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 The fact of the matter is that the spark you had for him died out. Why would he want to continue to be in a relationship with someone who no longer wanted him? Breakups are hard, but you will be doing the both of you a favor if you are just honest and upfront with him. Also, make sure this is completely over - the fact that you are in so much pain/guilt alludes to the fact that you DO feel something. Did you try talking through these issues of too much too fast? Did you try slowing things down? If it is over, a lesson you have learned is to make sure you are vocal about what you are getting versus what you want out of the relationship. You seem thoughtful and caring - if you do end it just be upfront and honest. The truth will sting for him, but in the long run it will be better than dragging out the end of the relationship which will only create resentment on both sides. Good luck to you.
Eeyore79 Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 1) gradually distance yourself from him, and let the situation die of inactivity. Or. 2) Break it off, quick, clean and final. 1) is incredibly cruel and cowardly. If you want to break up with him, just do it to his face rather than stringing him along and hurting him even more. Is it his keenness that has turned you off, and could the situation be resolved by talking to him and persuading him to slow down a little? Or have you just changed your mind about being interested in him, and therefore his keenness has become irritating? It sounds like the latter - you found him interesting to begin with, but as the relationship progressed you began to feel that you were incompatible, and that's when his keenness began to annoy you. So it's not necessarily his keenness that's the problem, it's simply that you're not into him. Imo the best strategy is simply to talk to him face-to-face, and gently tell him that you don't see a future for the two of you and therefore don't want to continue dating. It will hurt, but not as much as stringing him along would.
Cee Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 I have some experience with breaking up with men & I know that sick-in-the-feeling stomach thing. I hate breaking up, but telling them sooner than later is best. Since you don't have feelings for him, you aren't doing him a favor leaving him hanging. Sounds like this guy is gung ho to get married and he'd better move along and find a new prospective wife. The worst times I've had breaking up with someone was when I really loved the guy & he loved me, but there was some sort of barrier or fatal flaw in the relationship. One time, I was sobbing hysterically while I broke up with college boyfriend of 2 years. In fact, I was so upset by the breaking up process, I cancelled the talk and got back together with him right then and there. And then I broke up with him for real 2 weeks later. Break ups do suck for the dumper, but we are exerting choice and control so it's still worse for the dumpee. No reason to feel sorry for him. He'll recover. Good luck.
EthanH Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 I know you feel terrible about it, but if i'm honest, I think you should be excited about this. No i'm not some kind of horrible sadist. I think you have the opportunity to give this guy something really important - the chance to be happy with someone in the future who not only really likes him, but who he doesn't scare off by chaining to the floor after 10 minutes. You should tell him straight out, that it just isn't there. If he is a decent guy, he will understand. Anyone who thinks someone is in love with them after 2 months is needy to the extent of being... well... I won't say but it's not good. AND here is the important bit... you need to explain exactly how you felt when he was ultra quick... in minute detail. And that way, he won't make the same mistake in the future, and will have a shot at being happy. The thing is, you guys didn't really have a hope, as even if you found him really attractive, his words and actions changed the dynamic fairly early on, so that you were thinking about him being scary etc etc at a time when, if he had let it happen, you should have been in the honeymoon period of your relationship. If you tell him you give him a great gift, the chance of happiness in the future. if he acts the way he did with other girls in the future, it will end in tears on every occasion...
Author V4Vanna Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 Thank you to all who responded - it helped, immensely. I did break-up with him tonight and although it was quite nerve-wracking and sickening for me to do it - I did. Thankfully, he really IS a great guy and understood where I was coming from. I told him he was great but that where he loved me I only cared about him and that's all it was ever going to be. He told me he understood and thanked me for doing it in person and not dragging it out or leading him on when I knew I wasn't in it. He also knew I had thought about it and didn't make the decision lightly - which I think helped him realize that I wasn't going to turn back on this no matter, what, if anything, was said. Now it's time for moving on and thankfully I have a busy week to keep me occupied this week cause although I was the one doing the 'dumping' I still feel pain/guilt over the loss of the relationship - he was a great guy - just not MY great guy.
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