SCooke Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Hi, I'm in a tough situation right now. I've been with my girl for about a year. We have had a passionate but tumultous relationship. We already broke up once for two weeks (she broke it off), but then we became "friends with benefits", and then quickly turned into a full blown relationship again...We have intense chemistry...BUT, we fight ALL the time. I believe she's controlling and speaks inapproriately and rudely to me (and others in her life), and she thinks I'm overly defensive, unpredicatable and overreact a lot... We last broke up because I started taking the crap from her and just took a back seat because I was so sick of fighting. But that quickly turned her off because women don't like weak men..Then when we got back together, I decided I was never gonna let her treat me like she did before..but that leads to fights because she just doesn't know how to back down, or admit mistakes... So this past weekend, we had a big blow out on fri and I told her to "eff off" and didn't call her back until this past sunday... When we talked, it was a very heartbreaking and honest conversation..She told me we're insane to keep doing this to each other and that something is just not right in our dynamics. She said she's emotioanlly exhausted from our fights and that I make her feel like "the worst person in the world". I totally agreed with her. i'm exhausted too of our fighting and I told her she makes me feel like "nothing I do is every right or good enough"... However, when it came to making a decision., I didn't want to end it for some reason..There's stilll so much passion there! I still Love her, and we have amazing sex. And even though in my head I know so much that this is not gonna last long term, I couldn't get myself to do it..She said that she's in limbo right now and she's leaning towards ending it. I asked her to make a decision right then and there and even basically guided her towards breaking up, but she couldn't do it...She said let's wait a couple days and talk... So i'm not an idiot, and I know basically it's a breakup. I'm dissapointed in my self because I couldn't get myself to accept the inevitable, that we are just not right for each other, eventhough we love each other...i'm also anxious about the breakup because we have some great mututal friends and it's though to go NC and stuff like that... I guess my question is: What should I do now? Should I just proceed like we're broken up and start the healing process? And also, i know it's so hard to remain on friendly terms after a breakup, but I feel as if this is as close to a mututal breakup that you can get and we have a very close group of freinds i don't want to lose...Can a friendship with boundries work in this situation? or should I just suck it up, and go NC and sacrifce some pretty good friendships (I met them through her so I have to go if it comes to that)
EthanH Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 ok, so your situation seems very very similar to my one with my ex...so hopefully I can provide some good advice. The dynamic of your relationship is totally wrong. She has way too much power and because of that, she acts in a way she wouldn't usually act. My ex is a great girl, everyone loves her, she was so considerate with me when we first met, almost too considerate, but as time went on, and the dynamics of our relationship changed, she became a total bitch. She hated herself for how she was with me. She said something which I'm sure your ex/gf thinks, 'i don't want to be that girlfriend'... the one who speaks down to you in front of friends without even meaning to... the one who always seems to do stuff she regrets. This situation ultimately led her to hate herself. But it is very difficult to change your actions to someone once this pattern is set. The only way it would change is if you changed, and even then, knowing in the past she could push you around, once that happens, I'm not sure you can ever have anything which is successful. As for advice, I would say. If it is over, don't be friends. You are just going to get into this toxic spiral of events where you are close again, you look independent and thus attractive, she wonders if she has made the right decision, then as soon as you get back together, the same thing happens. You need to set out your feelings to her, and let her make her own decision, and if she doesn't come back, you need to accept it is over. To me, it is about power. You were too nice, and once you become seen as that, it's a lose/lose situation. Think about it, now, when you are independent, she will want to control you, and as soon as she is able to control you, she will see you as weak and thus not attractive. It's a horrible vicious circle. Don't play games, be straight with her, set out how you feel, give her a choice, and leave it at that. As for your friendship, if that happens in the far distant future, great, but at the moment, your belief should be that it isn't on the agenda. On the agenda is sorting your own life out. If you do anything else, it will just be you following her around, which will only end badly.
Author SCooke Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 EthanH, Wow, we must have had an errily similar situation cause I can totally relate to what you're saying. What your saying sounds exactly like what my rational side is scearming at me these past few days... It toallly is about power. Before our 1st breakup, I was pretty wild and very much my own mind, and she fought so hard to get control of me by using crying, arguing, manipulating...everything ...I used to go out a lot and hang out with my friends, watch sports..lot's of stuff she fought to change..and after a while, i said, I'm sick of arguing with her and I do Love her so I'll change these things that upset her so much..As soon as i did that, then she became nastly and demenaning, eventually leading to our breakup.. During that 1st breakup, it was obvious that she ended up resenting that I gave in to her. She felt like I didn't have a backbone...But for the 2 weeks after that breakup, i was actually pretty ok, and just didn't talk to her, and didn't try at all to get her back...Of course, i ran into her on her BDay and she's all over me. I fall for it and the next few weeks are amazing. She kept telling me how i'm so different and so independent and with my own boundries and opinions..But after a while, the whole thing about her trying to wrestle control away started and she strated criticizing, demeaning my actions, etc. But this time I just said hell no, and kept fighting back...Which has lead us here to this situation where we're both exhausted of the fighting. I now realize that the pattern will always repeat itself. She's a control freak (for lack of better words) and she'll always have these issues.. I will always either give in to her and become weak in the relationship and she'll resent me and I'll resent myself, or we'll destroy each other fighting..Either way, I'm not sure anything good and long lasting can come out of this. Thanks for your words man. It's nice to hear this expressed by someone else...I'm just scared of the unknown, the post breakup...but it's setting in full weell that this must end.
Recommended Posts