What would you apologize for or fix if you could?

[SouthernLady]

I meant to bring this up in one of my recent posts. In relation to my xMM's relationship with his wife I am most ashamed and sorry that there is a great possibility that I have permanently destroyed their intimacy. No, it's not all my fault, but I take much responsibility for pursuing knowing he was married.

 

However, my perspective at 22 was much different than it is now at almost 30. I sincerely pray since he has chosen to stay that it will be restored to a better place than what it was before the A.

 

Considering I don't believe he is planning to be totally honest with his W about the A, and the fact that he told me at one time he tried to "go back" and it was "boring"; I have my doubts. It really bothered me when he told me that!

 

But...I don't question God's ability to heal and restore!

Edited August 31, 2010 by SouthernLady

[jwi71]

I meant to bring this up in one of my recent posts. In relation to my xMM's relationship with his wife I am most ashamed and sorry that there is a great possibility that I have permanently destroyed their intimacy. No, it's not all my fault, but I take much responsibility for pursuing knowing he was married.

 

However, my perspective at 22 was much different than it is now at almost 30. I sincerely pray since he has chosen to stay that it will be restored to a better place than what it was before the A.

 

Considering I don't believe he is planning to be totally honest with his W about the A, and the fact that he told me at one time he tried to "go back" and it was "boring"; I have my doubts. It really bothered me when he told me that!

 

But...I don't question God's ability to heal and restore!

 

Be neither proud nor ashamed of your past. It simply was. It is a truth you will carry all your days but it need not define them. Find your own forgiveness. You cannot help them find theirs - that is for them to do, either married or divorced.

 

Offer no apology.

 

Instead, disappear from their lives.

 

And live your own.

[In_Repair]

If I were to offer any apologies regarding my involvement with my MW... in a perfect world, I'd be able to go apologize to her husband without one of us killing the other one. I feel like such a **** for turning another man into a BS right after my own wife did it to me, and I knew the pain that it would cause him. I don't like him, and I never have... but I feel sorry for him.

 

My MW? I don't have anything against her, but to hell with that idea. She deserves no apologies. She allowed two men to live lives that they never would have agreed to if it weren't for their love of her... yet her selfish ass couldn't muster the decency to make a decision and set one of us free.

[Mimolicious]

If I were to offer any apologies regarding my involvement with my MW... in a perfect world, I'd be able to go apologize to her husband without one of us killing the other one. I feel like such a **** for turning another man into a BS right after my own wife did it to me, and I knew the pain that it would cause him. I don't like him, and I never have... but I feel sorry for him.

 

My MW? I don't have anything against her, but to hell with that idea. She deserves no apologies. She allowed two men to live lives that they never would have agreed to if it weren't for their love of her... yet her selfish ass couldn't muster the decency to make a decision and set one of us free.

 

She allowed and everyone else AGREED! so you and her h were far less in control because this "love" for her? Ok.

 

But...I don't question God's ability to heal and restore!

 

Don't! but one little thing... forgivesness is not auto-granted. We have to ask for it. To heal and restore, you must first hurt and break. That comes by accepting and repenting.

 

I have never been in an A but if I had to apologize for something in a R I guess it would have to be for wasting someone's time. Time, you can't never ever ever get back. We can get anything else but not replace yesterday.

[Hazyhead]

I did apologise. It was scoffed at. Although I understand your desire to... if not atone, exactly, then show your remorse, I now agree with JW. The act is done. The best thing that you can do for them, and yourself, is to leave them alone.

 

Move forward for you now. Time will heal.

[Summer Breeze]

There's nothing I'd want to apologize for. I made a conscious choice when I was falling in love with my exMM and I lived it to the full. He has issues that he created and I would assume is probably still dealing with. I didn't pursue and I didn't destroy when I left. I wanted to tell her of the relationship but it was his choice to keep it quiet. I didn't hide anything on my end of it. Each time she found out I answered her questions and gave her all the time she wanted. I told her to call me at any point in the future and I would tell her anything honestly.

 

I walked away when I was done with it and I hope they're doing ok.

 

I would apologize to my child for maybe not encouraging him to see his dad as much as I should have. That's about it.

[SouthernLady]

Thanks for all of your responses. I truly wish I could awake tomorrow and not even know him! My plan is most definitely to stay out of their lives. I would never be the one to call the w and don't see that it benefits...no offense to others who have.

 

I have learned several huge lessons from the A, so I am confident that my future relationships will be what they should be.

Edited August 31, 2010 by SouthernLady

[In_Repair]

She allowed and everyone else AGREED! so you and her h were far less in control because this "love" for her? Ok.

 

 

You misunderstood my point a little. I wasn't trying to imply that I was fooled into having an affair. I take full responsibility for my part in the affair. Like I said though, she claimed to love both of us, yet she was perfectly happy to watch both of us live half of the life we wanted, so that she could have everything that she wanted. I'm not mad about it, I just didn't want to be a part of it anymore, and I don't see why I should apologize for that. I certainly don't expect an apology of any sort.

 

Her husband deserves the apology.

[Spark1111]

Thanks for all of your responses. I truly wish I could awake tomorrow and not even know him! My plan is most definitely to stay out of their lives. I would never be the one to call the w and don't see that it benefits...no offense to others who have.

 

I have learned several huge lessons from the A, so I am confident that my future relationships will be what they should be.

 

SL, a BS here....

 

I wish she had maybe sent a letter? an email? if a phone call was too difficult for her that said, I am sorry to have hurt you. I am sorry he and I together hurt you.....

 

That's all.

[Ellin]

I have never been in an A but if I had to apologize for something in a R I guess it would have to be for wasting someone's time. Time, you can't never ever ever get back. We can get anything else but not replace yesterday.

I like that quote, this is SO TRUE. That's why I always thought that wasting someone's time by keeping them in a R that's going nowhere is worse than stealing etc. and it's a kind of betrayal.

 

This is true in any R, not just A (as you stated).

[bentnotbroken]

I meant to bring this up in one of my recent posts. In relation to my xMM's relationship with his wife I am most ashamed and sorry that there is a great possibility that I have permanently destroyed their intimacy. No, it's not all my fault, but I take much responsibility for pursuing knowing he was married.

 

However, my perspective at 22 was much different than it is now at almost 30. I sincerely pray since he has chosen to stay that it will be restored to a better place than what it was before the A.

 

Considering I don't believe he is planning to be totally honest with his W about the A, and the fact that he told me at one time he tried to "go back" and it was "boring"; I have my doubts. It really bothered me when he told me that!

 

But...I don't question God's ability to heal and restore!

 

 

He does have that power, if it is his will. If he is still lying to his wife, it may not be in the cards.

[bentnotbroken]

I like that quote, this is SO TRUE. That's why I always thought that wasting someone's time by keeping them in a R that's going nowhere is worse than stealing etc. and it's a kind of betrayal.

 

This is true in any R, not just A (as you stated).

 

 

You are so right. Yet, so many WS do it by lying to their BS(and AP) and cheating for years. Then they decided to recommit to something they killed while loving another. It is stealing the very seconds from some one's life.

[Mimolicious]

You misunderstood my point a little. I wasn't trying to imply that I was fooled into having an affair. I take full responsibility for my part in the affair. Like I said though, she claimed to love both of us, yet she was perfectly happy to watch both of us live half of the life we wanted, so that she could have everything that she wanted. I'm not mad about it, I just didn't want to be a part of it anymore, and I don't see why I should apologize for that. I certainly don't expect an apology of any sort.

 

Her husband deserves the apology.

 

Yes, now that you make it clear. I misunderstood. Thanks for taking the time to correcting me. What a WITCH!

 

Ellin- yes, time is precious and we only have one life to live. Can't do it again. So to make someone else waste their precious years to please myself, it is F'ed up! This happened to my grandma. I see her all old and frail now and even though she is still with my grandpa after 65, she probably will never know what it is to be "loved" by a man.

 

My grandma can't get 65 yrs back. I never wanted to be here. For a small fraction of my life I was. I am thankful that my time is no longer being wasted with someone that didn't gave a ish about me. I mean, he swears he did and still does. No thanks! Some people just love what you do for them not love the person in you. I guess I need an apology. LOL!

[crazycatlady]

I meant to bring this up in one of my recent posts. In relation to my xMM's relationship with his wife I am most ashamed and sorry that there is a great possibility that I have permanently destroyed their intimacy. No, it's not all my fault, but I take much responsibility for pursuing knowing he was married.

 

However, my perspective at 22 was much different than it is now at almost 30. I sincerely pray since he has chosen to stay that it will be restored to a better place than what it was before the A.

 

Considering I don't believe he is planning to be totally honest with his W about the A, and the fact that he told me at one time he tried to "go back" and it was "boring"; I have my doubts. It really bothered me when he told me that!

 

But...I don't question God's ability to heal and restore!

 

I wish she would talk to me and then maybe she and I can truly repair our relationship as my H and I have repaired ours (well repairing lol).

 

I miss her. And I hate feeling like I can't trust her. I don't know if talking to her would allow me to trust her, but I do know not talking will always keep it from happening. I don't want to just be a facebook "friend" with her and I don't just want to play the game of pretending everything is alright in front of everyone else. I want us to be alright. But I don't know.

 

I'm over a lot of the mad and hurt from what happened this summer, time and distance has helped. But they won't heal the gapping wound between us. And I do feel a part of my getting over this is held up because of that.

 

I don't care if she has no remorse....I don't need her to feel bad. I just need.....to know. I need her to be real with me.

[breaking_bad]

I would apologize to myself for the way I allowed myself to get lost, and settle for a situation that was clearly not honoring who I was and how I deserved to be treated.

[OWoman]

I have never been in an A but if I had to apologize for something in a R I guess it would have to be for wasting someone's time. Time, you can't never ever ever get back. We can get anything else but not replace yesterday.

 

Why would you feel the need to apologise to someone who freely chose to be with you? It's only a waste of their time if you deliberately mislead them into thinking it's going somewhere that you had no intention of taking it - and then, IMO, it should be the dishonesty and not the waste of time to apologise for. No one should be in a R they do not choose to be in, daily, hourly, each minute. And, if they're choosing, you're not wasting their time, but helping them spend it the way they choose.

[OWoman]

What I would apologise for - nothing at all.

 

What I would fix, if I could - I'd have been with him at his father's bedside when his father died.

[Dexter Morgan]

Thanks for all of your responses. I truly wish I could awake tomorrow and not even know him! My plan is most definitely to stay out of their lives. I would never be the one to call the w and don't see that it benefits

 

the benefit would be that the wife would now have information to make an informed decision about her life. she could make the decision to stay or leave a cheating, lying "man". that is a great benefit....to set oneself free from someone like that...if they so choose.

[Pink_orchid]

I would apologize to myself for the way I allowed myself to get lost, and settle for a situation that was clearly not honoring who I was and how I deserved to be treated.

 

SO True, me too. I think to myself what was I thinking... Although then I remember how nice it was, a lot of it anyway!! I think about his face, and how happy I felt with him. I need to STOP IT!! Best to try and make the quote above more prominent in my head and try to forget the rest... I need to apologise to myself for walking headlong into a situation that could hurt me (and did hurt me).

[Mimolicious]

Why would you feel the need to apologise to someone who freely chose to be with you? It's only a waste of their time if you deliberately mislead them into thinking it's going somewhere that you had no intention of taking it - and then, IMO, it should be the dishonesty and not the waste of time to apologise for. No one should be in a R they do not choose to be in, daily, hourly, each minute. And, if they're choosing, you're not wasting their time, but helping them spend it the way they choose.

 

 

Perhaps, you misunderstood my post.

 

But in relations to yours, misleading goes hand in hand with a wasting time. I guess makes it double the apology, the way you put it. I was in a R that I chose to be yet I was very much mislead with dishonesty. Yes, it was a waste of my time.

 

You have your opinion, I have my own set of shades.

Edited September 1, 2010 by Mimolicious

[pureinheart]

I meant to bring this up in one of my recent posts. In relation to my xMM's relationship with his wife I am most ashamed and sorry that there is a great possibility that I have permanently destroyed their intimacy. No, it's not all my fault, but I take much responsibility for pursuing knowing he was married.

 

However, my perspective at 22 was much different than it is now at almost 30. I sincerely pray since he has chosen to stay that it will be restored to a better place than what it was before the A.

 

Considering I don't believe he is planning to be totally honest with his W about the A, and the fact that he told me at one time he tried to "go back" and it was "boring"; I have my doubts. It really bothered me when he told me that!

 

 

 

But...I don't question God's ability to heal and restore!

 

This is a really cool thread/post BTW, and very heartfelt.

 

For me, I knew what the truth was and had no desire to apologize for anything. I know this may "sound" bad, although my attitude was consistant with the situation.

 

I sorda "pushed" the reconciliation thing, as I forced a NC mode...and like I knew would happen, they split. Their M was over the day it started according to exDM, and I believe that to be the truth.

 

Now this is just my opinion, "what God has joined together"...if God didn't put it together in the first place then He does not see it, it is "flesh" in operation. This could be the issue in MM's case.

 

I am really glad MM is going to try with his M, according to your OP I see no radical abuse, just some boredom...although time will tell:).

 

How are YOU doing BTW?????

[SouthernLady]

PIH,

 

Thanks for your post. In the case with my MM, I really believe I am probably the biggest mistake in his life. He and his wife are christians who regularly attend church, he was a fireman/emt, and is now working for himself but regularly participates in fundraisers and habitat for humanity. These are some of the qualities that made him so easy to like. However, he told me he has always had a wild side to him....he his the type where it is not shown (I am the same way). He said he doesn't believe he ever had what he wanted and that all of the women he dated prior to marriage were conservative. He said the worst part of our situation was that even though he loves me, he can never fully achieve what he would want. I most definitely believe he is the self-split type.

 

Me...not too well. I just broke up with my live in BF of almost six years knowing I didn't love him completely as I never got over MM (I made a decision that I would just get over him)....we see how well that worked. My xBF will be moving out on Sep 29th as I gave him a 45 day notice. I actually broke up with him on July 18th. Then MM got caught on July 25th on the phone with me and REAL NC started. I am upset because I was hoping to have the relationship with MM as a crutch. I know that's terrible, but I am being honest.

 

I feel empty inside. It feels so unbearable to think about never talking to him again....it's hard for my mind to process. Back in 2006 he moved to another part of the state and he lost my phone number so at that time I knew I would not talk to him again. Even after a year went by I would think about him several times a week and miss him. One reason it has been so hard to move on is because I hate the work & pain it's going to take. I really hope it's not true that it takes half the time to get over someone as the amount of time you were with them. Also other people including MM said sometimes you never do.....you just push it out of your mind. Another reason is my difficulty dealing with grief. My dad died when I was 7 and at the time I had lived with him & my grandmother because my parents got divorced when I was 1. Then on my 22nd birthday my grandmother (more like mom) died. A few months later was when my feelings developed into more than just a friendship with MM. This is like another death!

 

I am sure visiting an IC might help, but I have figured out a lot through self reflection. However, I try to minimize the validity of my feelings knowing that his wife is more hurt than I am and that MM is also ashamed and embarrassed.

This is a really thread/post BTW, and very heartf

 

For me, I knew what the truth was and had no desire to apologize for anything. I know this may "sound" bad, although my attitude was consistant with the situation.

 

I sorda "pushed" the reconciliation thing, as I forced a NC mode...and like I knew would happen, they split. Their M was over the day it started according to exDM, and I believe that to be the truth.

 

Now this is just my opinion, "what God has joined together"...if God didn't put it together in the first place then He does not see it, it is "flesh" in operation. This could be the issue in MM's case.

 

I am really glad MM is going to try with his M, according to your OP I see no radical abuse, just some boredom...although time will tell:).

 

How are YOU doing BTW?????

[pureinheart]

PIH,

 

Thanks for your post. In the case with my MM, I really believe I am probably the biggest mistake in his life. He and his wife are christians who regularly attend church, he was a fireman/emt, and is now working for himself but regularly participates in fundraisers and habitat for humanity. These are some of the qualities that made him so easy to like. However, he told me he has always had a wild side to him....he his the type where it is not shown (I am the same way). He said he doesn't believe he ever had what he wanted and that all of the women he dated prior to marriage were conservative. He said the worst part of our situation was that even though he loves me, he can never fully achieve what he would want. I most definitely believe he is the self-split type.

 

Me...not too well. I just broke up with my live in BF of almost six years knowing I didn't love him completely as I never got over MM (I made a decision that I would just get over him)....we see how well that worked. My xBF will be moving out on Sep 29th as I gave him a 45 day notice. I actually broke up with him on July 18th. Then MM got caught on July 25th on the phone with me and REAL NC started. I am upset because I was hoping to have the relationship with MM as a crutch. I know that's terrible, but I am being honest.

 

I feel empty inside. It feels so unbearable to think about never talking to him again....it's hard for my mind to process. Back in 2006 he moved to another part of the state and he lost my phone number so at that time I knew I would not talk to him again. Even after a year went by I would think about him several times a week and miss him. One reason it has been so hard to move on is because I hate the work & pain it's going to take. I really hope it's not true that it takes half the time to get over someone as the amount of time you were with them. Also other people including MM said sometimes you never do.....you just push it out of your mind. Another reason is my difficulty dealing with grief. My dad died when I was 7 and at the time I had lived with him & my grandmother because my parents got divorced when I was 1. Then on my 22nd birthday my grandmother (more like mom) died. A few months later was when my feelings developed into more than just a friendship with MM. This is like another death!

 

I am sure visiting an IC might help, but I have figured out a lot through self reflection. However, I try to minimize the validity of my feelings knowing that his wife is more hurt than I am and that MM is also ashamed and embarrassed.

 

Wow, I am so sorry your going through soooo much, life can be relentless at times...the IC will help, although time is really the best healer...the IC will unravel the feelings locked up inside concerning your dad and grandmother, and if there is any rejection issues concerning your mom.

 

ExMM sounds like he is never satisfied, split self is what I'd call it...the turmoil he experiences is unreal, he is constantly divided and has little peace I bet.

 

What I see is severe rejection...with MM being ashamed of his R with you that could cause you to feel less than and not worthy...

 

That is the issue I had with exDM, I told him as God as my witness I'd never talk to him again if I ever found out that he denied me, meaning denying me concerning his feelings that he said he had towards me and my existance. I don't think he did as his W knew about me.

 

They go through a tremendous amount of guilt...like stating earlier the guilt wasn't focused on his (now) exW, but where God was concerned. I didn't want him to leave his M because of me either so that left me one choice...hey SL lots of hugs and you got my thoughts and prayers:)

[GreenEyedLady]

If I THINK or FEEL I should do something, I do it.

 

I live with no regrets.

 

I gave my apology because I needed to do it. I never meant to hurt anyone.

 

It was just a simple apology, no justifications or rationalizations. I needed to do it because of who I am.

 

And I am a person who will not live knowing that I hurt someone and not try in some capacity to make things right. So I did what I could.

 

GEL

[TOWinNYC]

I live with no regrets.

 

Ditto!!!

 

Every choice I make, I own it (that's not to say I won't apologize when I know I've screwed up).