perpetuallyconfused Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 I shouldn't be up. I shouldn't be thinking of him. This is ridiculous, and so unlike me. First of all, I never had an affair of any kind, and I know how wrong it is...infidelity has always been my only "deal breaker" in a relationship. Seriously, tables turned, I never would put up with this. Or maybe now I would? I don't even know. All I know is that I've fallen for one of my closest friends, and we both have everything to lose if our respective spouses (or almost spouses) ever found out. Yet they almost definitely will not. They'd never suspect it, and even if they did, we're too careful. There is always the possibility that we could slip up and give it away, but it's really doubtful. One (or both) of us would have to basically be honest with the OP, because we have literally fallen asleep curled up together and neither OP blinked an eye. We're so obvious and yet so unassuming that neither one even gets jealous of our relationship. It would be so much easier to stop now if we knew we could get caught. We'd have to be caught physically in the act of *something* (kissing, or more) for them to catch on. I know this will break my heart someday, but I'm incapable of giving this up. Why are we so foolish? He'd never intentionally break my heart, and we are both equally guilty of acting like complete jerks here. We actually are completely in love, and we're both deluding ourselves into believing this won't end badly for us. We're both cowards...if we'd figured this out much sooner, we'd just be together. But we are both with wonderful but needy people whose worlds would come crashing down if either of us had the guts to be honest. And our reasons for not allowing that to happen are both selfish (everyone would hate us!) and unselfish...the very thought of putting them through that would be horrific. Honestly, while I'm admitting that I don't want to go through that, I would be more willing to do it if I thought it wouldn't hurt everyone we both know and love. Yet the thing that keeps us apart is also what allows us to continue with this affair...and it IS now officially an affair. We're only being dishonest about our actual feelings. We've never "snuck" time together or even conversations. In all the years we've been friends (and mutual friends, all four of us), I never expected this, and never identified my feelings as love beyond friendship. Then one night we ended up kissing and chalked it up to awkward drunkenness, and when we talked about it next, expecting to laugh it off, it got more serious. Now I can't get my mind off of this...and we've basically admitted that we're in love and have no idea what to do, other than continue in limbo, and keep our current relationships the way they are. I can't get perspective...I can't talk to anyone, since this person and my SO are my two best friends. I risk losing both of them...but I can't let go just yet...
bentnotbroken Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 You are right where you want to be. You know exactly what you are doing or you wouldn't be hiding it. You are taking the easy way out by not acting mature enough to face, confront or admit what you are doing to 2 other people. You can control what you want to control. It's all about you and what you don't want to lose. So to keep what you want, you will disrespect two people who trust and respect you. Nice! How would you feel if it were reversed. You and the boy were the ones in the dark about both your SO's doing to you what you are doing to them?
bestplayer Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 I shouldn't be up. I shouldn't be thinking of him. This is ridiculous, and so unlike me. First of all, I never had an affair of any kind, and I know how wrong it is...infidelity has always been my only "deal breaker" in a relationship. Seriously, tables turned, I never would put up with this. Or maybe now I would? I don't even know. All I know is that I've fallen for one of my closest friends, and we both have everything to lose if our respective spouses (or almost spouses) ever found out. Yet they almost definitely will not. They'd never suspect it, and even if they did, we're too careful. There is always the possibility that we could slip up and give it away, but it's really doubtful. One (or both) of us would have to basically be honest with the OP, because we have literally fallen asleep curled up together and neither OP blinked an eye. We're so obvious and yet so unassuming that neither one even gets jealous of our relationship. It would be so much easier to stop now if we knew we could get caught. We'd have to be caught physically in the act of *something* (kissing, or more) for them to catch on. I know this will break my heart someday, but I'm incapable of giving this up. Why are we so foolish? He'd never intentionally break my heart, and we are both equally guilty of acting like complete jerks here. We actually are completely in love, and we're both deluding ourselves into believing this won't end badly for us. We're both cowards...if we'd figured this out much sooner, we'd just be together. But we are both with wonderful but needy people whose worlds would come crashing down if either of us had the guts to be honest. And our reasons for not allowing that to happen are both selfish (everyone would hate us!) and unselfish...the very thought of putting them through that would be horrific. Honestly, while I'm admitting that I don't want to go through that, I would be more willing to do it if I thought it wouldn't hurt everyone we both know and love. Yet the thing that keeps us apart is also what allows us to continue with this affair...and it IS now officially an affair. We're only being dishonest about our actual feelings. We've never "snuck" time together or even conversations. In all the years we've been friends (and mutual friends, all four of us), I never expected this, and never identified my feelings as love beyond friendship. Then one night we ended up kissing and chalked it up to awkward drunkenness, and when we talked about it next, expecting to laugh it off, it got more serious. Now I can't get my mind off of this...and we've basically admitted that we're in love and have no idea what to do, other than continue in limbo, and keep our current relationships the way they are. I can't get perspective...I can't talk to anyone, since this person and my SO are my two best friends. I risk losing both of them...but I can't let go just yet... ........It would be so much easier to stop now if we knew we could get caught. We'd have to be caught physically in the act of *something* (kissing, or more) for them to catch on. .. I think it is also possible that once you are caught , your partner might let you go . And you & your lover will have the chance to be together .
bestplayer Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 I shouldn't be up. I shouldn't be thinking of him. This is ridiculous, and so unlike me. First of all, I never had an affair of any kind, and I know how wrong it is...infidelity has always been my only "deal breaker" in a relationship. Seriously, tables turned, I never would put up with this. Or maybe now I would? I don't even know. All I know is that I've fallen for one of my closest friends, and we both have everything to lose if our respective spouses (or almost spouses) ever found out. Yet they almost definitely will not. They'd never suspect it, and even if they did, we're too careful. There is always the possibility that we could slip up and give it away, but it's really doubtful. One (or both) of us would have to basically be honest with the OP, because we have literally fallen asleep curled up together and neither OP blinked an eye. We're so obvious and yet so unassuming that neither one even gets jealous of our relationship. It would be so much easier to stop now if we knew we could get caught. We'd have to be caught physically in the act of *something* (kissing, or more) for them to catch on. I know this will break my heart someday, but I'm incapable of giving this up. Why are we so foolish? He'd never intentionally break my heart, and we are both equally guilty of acting like complete jerks here. We actually are completely in love, and we're both deluding ourselves into believing this won't end badly for us. We're both cowards...if we'd figured this out much sooner, we'd just be together. But we are both with wonderful but needy people whose worlds would come crashing down if either of us had the guts to be honest. And our reasons for not allowing that to happen are both selfish (everyone would hate us!) and unselfish...the very thought of putting them through that would be horrific. Honestly, while I'm admitting that I don't want to go through that, I would be more willing to do it if I thought it wouldn't hurt everyone we both know and love. Yet the thing that keeps us apart is also what allows us to continue with this affair...and it IS now officially an affair. We're only being dishonest about our actual feelings. We've never "snuck" time together or even conversations. In all the years we've been friends (and mutual friends, all four of us), I never expected this, and never identified my feelings as love beyond friendship. Then one night we ended up kissing and chalked it up to awkward drunkenness, and when we talked about it next, expecting to laugh it off, it got more serious. Now I can't get my mind off of this...and we've basically admitted that we're in love and have no idea what to do, other than continue in limbo, and keep our current relationships the way they are. I can't get perspective...I can't talk to anyone, since this person and my SO are my two best friends. I risk losing both of them...but I can't let go just yet... ...I risk losing both of them...but I can't let go just yet.. I dont think you risk losing both of them . In fact If you are caught things might go the way you want , your spouse may decide to let you go & you will definately be getting a chance to be with your lover . Best of luck
carhill Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 OP, what do you want here? If you want to think clearly, get counseling. It will help you if you want it to. While your emotions may be outside your control, how your actions, interactions and behaviors influence them is well within your control. Once you have clarity, a counselor can assist you in finding the healthiest path to your goals. As an example, if your goal is to retain your M in a healthy way, MC and disclosure to your H will be a part of that. Conversely, if your goal is to be with the other man in a monogamous relationship, then you will end your marriage and attempt that. If your goal is to have an affair, then you will seek the healthy mindset which facilitates that. There are many threads here on LS from OW/OM's who have achieved such a mindset. Each choice has consequences. Clarity will show you what they are. Hopefully, you will make a decision where the consequences are healthy ones for you. Good luck and welcome to LS
Silly_Girl Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Try searching for Carrie's posts on here, she was posting here yesterday on BHMM's thread. Your posts are very similar, it may help.
Gfkr2 Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 ........It would be so much easier to stop now if we knew we could get caught. We'd have to be caught physically in the act of *something* (kissing, or more) for them to catch on. .. I think it is also possible that once you are caught , your partner might let you go . And you & your lover will have the chance to be together . Mission accomplished. Never underestimate the determination of a BS who can't possibly catch on. Well they DO put the pieces of the puzzel together when a secret R passes into an full blown EA/PA;)
2themoon&back Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 OP, what do you want here? If you want to think clearly, get counseling. It will help you if you want it to. While your emotions may be outside your control, how your actions, interactions and behaviors influence them is well within your control. Once you have clarity, a counselor can assist you in finding the healthiest path to your goals. As an example, if your goal is to retain your M in a healthy way, MC and disclosure to your H will be a part of that. Conversely, if your goal is to be with the other man in a monogamous relationship, then you will end your marriage and attempt that. If your goal is to have an affair, then you will seek the healthy mindset which facilitates that. There are many threads here on LS from OW/OM's who have achieved such a mindset. Each choice has consequences. Clarity will show you what they are. Hopefully, you will make a decision where the consequences are healthy ones for you. Good luck and welcome to LS you are on point here carhill the only thing i would add is to remove yourself from both situations until you are sure you can deal with the path you choose and that way will not be leading anyone on including yourself...
carhill Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Interestingly, my journey caused me to select a fourth path, that of continuing alone. Life is always throwing curves. The more time I spent removed, the clearer that path became. From what I've seen so far, it appears that choice has worked out well for everyone. Once the divorce is final, I'll ask stbx about that. Hopefully, she will offer her perspective.
breaking_bad Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Regardless of the issue at hand, I have a really hard time with the thought process of another person falling to pieces because of the decisions I make, and using that as some sort of reason for or against. I personally think that's a cop-out. I understand that we don't want to deliberately do harm to others, and sometimes we do, be it through natural life decisions (i.e. a kid goes to college, leaves his mother devastated and missing him) or through making the tough decision that a relationship isn't providing what we need (i.e. divorce or breakup). Either way, it's strange and unhealthy that we project such weakness on others - you have no idea how strong people are, and thinking someone can't live a happy life without you doesn't give them much credit, and is a very strange thought process. If someone on this planet was saying that about me (that they couldn't do what they wanted to do with their life because I couldn't handle it) that would be very upsetting for me to find out and I'd probably give them hell for thinking this way. Obviously decisions in life need to be true to yourself and balanced with kindness to others, but this is our life, these are our decisions and we need to trust that those around us will be able to survive. It feels almost egotistical that we think they couldn't. I mean, what happens when you die, or are you planning on not doing that either? I'm not trying to be flip, but in this world, most people do and will survive things much worse than what we're talking about here... No one has perfect circumstances and everyone has to overcome loss and it's virtually impossible to protect others from being hurt, at your hand, or at the hands of others or just the world in general. You have to reconcile your decisions and be at peace with them, but I don't get how we are trying to put that on anyone else but ourselves. If you feel your BS would die without you, then I suggest that you stop trying to kill them. If you want to give them credit for their strength, then call it what it is - your decision. Might end you in the same place, but it's your decision - own it.
Author perpetuallyconfused Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 I came here to vent and seek advice, but I'm not sure whether I should be comforted or unsettled that someone is in such a similar predicament. Then again, i guess we all are. Is there a way to PM people here? It seems like she has gotten a handle on the situation, and it may help to reach out to her. I'm not sure that I'm ready to make such bold moves to end this, though. And maybe (as some of you suggested) this could work out. But given what I'm reading, it sounds like these situations end in heartache...I'd love to hear about one that has a happy ending.
breaking_bad Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I came here to vent and seek advice, but I'm not sure whether I should be comforted or unsettled that someone is in such a similar predicament. Then again, i guess we all are. Is there a way to PM people here? It seems like she has gotten a handle on the situation, and it may help to reach out to her. I'm not sure that I'm ready to make such bold moves to end this, though. And maybe (as some of you suggested) this could work out. But given what I'm reading, it sounds like these situations end in heartache...I'd love to hear about one that has a happy ending. I think it's safe to say that hearing of so many in a similar predicament, it is both comforting AND unsettling At least to me. Everyone has their own unique situation, so the information/advice/stories here have to be put in your own context, based on your personal situation. There is no one that lives your specific set of circumstances so no one really knows how to make your decision but you. And we all just have to make ours when we're ready. I haven't been on this board as long as alot of posters, so I am still catching up, but it does seem to me that there is a commonality of personalities in these stories that is hard to ignore, and it has done me good and given me a pretty significant reality check. I do believe that if OW/OM are posting here, their relationships with their WS have been significantenough to be "real", to involve deep emotions, of both the pain and love varieties. Superficial affairs do happen, but they don't seem to warrant the need for this kind of discussion. As to whether or not there's ever a happy ending (if you consider eventually being with the AP as the happy ending) it seems to me that the personality of WSs is not one that typically plays out to that end. The common traits that keep coming up - conflict avoidance, inability to confront, poor communication skills, co-dependence, detachment, that we keep hearing about here just can't carry someone through a life change as big as this one. For all the greatness of these guys/gals, they just don't have the skills to manage through a decision like this. I think that this is why they are not already divorced when we meet them But I digress... Anyway, you said it - only you can know, and only you can make your decision. Personally, I have competely re-framed my ide of "happy ending" to be much more open ended.... Making my decisions based on what I think is right at the time, with detachment from the outcome. Good luck and I hope you find information and inspiration here like I have. This is a great forum.
bestplayer Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I came here to vent and seek advice, but I'm not sure whether I should be comforted or unsettled that someone is in such a similar predicament. Then again, i guess we all are. Is there a way to PM people here? It seems like she has gotten a handle on the situation, and it may help to reach out to her. I'm not sure that I'm ready to make such bold moves to end this, though. And maybe (as some of you suggested) this could work out. But given what I'm reading, it sounds like these situations end in heartache...I'd love to hear about one that has a happy ending. not ready to end what ? marriage or affair ? ...I'd love to hear about one that has a happy ending.... so you want to hear happy ending about someone dumping his/her spouse to be with some one else ?
2themoon&back Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I came here to vent and seek advice, but I'm not sure whether I should be comforted or unsettled that someone is in such a similar predicament. Then again, i guess we all are. Is there a way to PM people here? It seems like she has gotten a handle on the situation, and it may help to reach out to her. I'm not sure that I'm ready to make such bold moves to end this, though. And maybe (as some of you suggested) this could work out. But given what I'm reading, it sounds like these situations end in heartache...I'd love to hear about one that has a happy ending. i have been involved with a MM for 3yrs(read my post-where do i go from here.....) and in my opinion there are only a few choices : 1- stay in the A, and be ok with the decision, enjoy every min of it- and know that someone WILL find out and deal with it when they do 2-remove yourself from the A, before anyone finds out about it and continue on with the life you had before the A (i don't think this one is really possible), but you remove the "getting caught" factor. 3-Sperate from your H and maybe your MM, while you still have a choice in the matter- do this for yourself not the A, this can just be a temporary thing and you may be able to think about what you really want for yourself 4-OWN IT, and tell your H the truth, and see where that takes you.... one thing to do is stop putting down on yourself, no matter how this ends, your going to feel bad enough (because heartache is part of the recipe) , no need to beat yourself up now.... and it will turn out a happy ending no matter what path the it takes, just due to the fact you will live!!!! but you will inevitable have a dark moment before you see the light.... i am sorry for your troubles and i do feel your pain, my MM and my exH were friends, i do hope you find some strength here to do what is best for you ... that is the only thing we can control. good luck and keep posting!! [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
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