Need input for online/ldr bf who I want to meet for 1st time

[SweetSue]

I met my bf online over a year ago. But sadly we have not met yet. He has the chance to come see me in the winter. the thing is though that I want him to pay for everything, but he refuses to.

 

we have been together for awhile now- throughout our relationship things haven't exactly been that great. I do really love him despite never have met him, but we have a lot of problems. And i'd say the bulk of our problems are caused by him mistreating me. he has neglected me, lied to me, broke promises, is very inconsiderate at times, has broken up with me a few times, has threatened to leave me, and just in general, does not do much for me (like not doing anything for my bday). Despite all of that I still do really love him. He blames his behavior on him just being frustrated over the fact that we haven't met yet and it's just hard for him.

 

Although I can slightly understand where he's coming from with that, I still feel very hurt for everything he's put me through, and that is what causes our problems.

 

Because of everythign he has put me through, I don't want to pay or do anything when he visits. I feel like I need him to prove something to me, prove he really does care about me and really wants to be with me. So I want him to pay for the plane ticket, pay to rent a car, and pay for a hotel. He refuses to do that. He wants to stay here with me at my mothers house, and he wants me to pick him up from the airport.. he's willing to pay for the ticket though.

I am highly against making one person in the relationship pay for everything. I would love to help him out and let him stay here with me, but I feel like that would be letting him off easy. I told him if he treated me better I would let him stay here for free and I would pick him up from the airport. But if he kept being the same way I would not do anything for him to visit.

 

He is very mad at me now because of that- to the point now where he is talking about breaking up with me again.

 

Is it wrong for me to ask him to pay for everything because of all the crap he's put me through? He is a young college student with little money (but he works) and that is why he is so mad. He said he could never afford to pay for everything. I really truly hate doing this, but I feel like he really should be treating me better especially he expects to stay at my mothers house for free.

 

Should I just let him stay here? I really do want to meet him and move our relationship forward, but I feel like he's taking advantage of me, and my mom. If he can't treat me good I don't see how he deserves to stay here for free. But then again, if I don't let him stay here he could break up with me. I don't know what to do

[Citizen Erased]

He isn't a child, you can't give him things only if he isn't naughty. If you weren't comfortable staying with him when you first met, that would be understandable. But this, you're just being childish. If he doesn't break it off with you it would be a miracle.

[CycleOfLove]

I don't think it matters what he did or said, you both want to meet in person for the first time so you BOTH have to do something to make it work.

right now you are being rude and selfish for asking him to pay for EVERYTHING even though he lied before or broke up with you doesn't mean he will have to pay for everything! this is childish im not surprised that hes mad at you, heck i would be too! my boyfriend and I met online too & never met before,and probably will be able to see each other in June 2011. If i had to pay for EVERYTHING that would be rude and selfish.

[LisaLee]

I think it is wrong of you. I feel guilty for the amount that my boyfriend does pay, but I would never flat out ask him to pay for everything. And why can't you pick him up from the airport? Do you not have a car? What about him staying at your place? Is your mom not ok with that? With those kinds of stipulations I wouldn't be too keen on visiting you, either.

 

Sounds like you both mistreat each other.

[lala82]

I think your attitude is not good. He is interested to meet you this winter. He is a student and obviously he has a little money. But at least, he is going to make an effort to meet you.

 

You should have a little of consideration with him. When you love someone, you will make an effort to make feel this person comfortable. The minimum thing you can do is pick up him in the airport. If he does not have enough money to pay a hotel, he could stay in your house for a few days. Organize a cheap trip together that both of you can afford.

 

The fact that he is student and he is not able to pay it should not be a problem for you. I think that the most important thing is that he wants to see you. Do not ruin a good chance for you and your bf only for economic issues.

[Els]

How is he taking advantage of you and your mum by staying at your place, when he's paying for the ticket and taking the time and effort to fly over to YOUR place?

 

The things you claim he did to you are not good at ALL, though. Perhaps we could help you better if you gave specifics of what exactly he did.

[aerogurl87]

If I were him I'd be upset too. When my boyfriend and I first met I had to pay for the plane tickets there, which were pretty expensive. But the only reason I did that was because my boyfriend was broke at the time and couldn't really afford to help me out. And even then he picked me up at the airport and let me stay at his house for free. But he didn't make me pay out of spite, but I did it because we both wanted to meet so badly and that was the only way it was going to happen.

 

Now you could at least pick your boyfriend up from the airport. Yes, he may be an arsehole at times as you mentioned, but seriously if you love him like you claim you should be willing to do anything to make him visiting happen. By the way money doesn't prove that someone cares about someone, actions do. And if I were him your actions would be screaming "I'm an immature and childish person whose too stubborn to make a few sacrifices for my partner in order for us to meet." Which would in turn get me to not even want to come see you, and I'm sure your actions are having the same effect on him. I won't be surprised if you're boyfriendless soon.

[HeavenOrHell]

Why are you two 'together'? it sounds like a nightmare all around to be honest. I wouldn't love someone who treated me badly, things which are so important to me in a partner are compassion, thoughtfulness, affection, amongst other things.

[Star Gazer]

Because of everythign he has put me through, I don't want to pay or do anything when he visits. I feel like I need him to prove something to me, prove he really does care about me and really wants to be with me. So I want him to pay for the plane ticket, pay to rent a car, and pay for a hotel. He refuses to do that. He wants to stay here with me at my mothers house, and he wants me to pick him up from the airport.. he's willing to pay for the ticket though.

I am highly against making one person in the relationship pay for everything. I would love to help him out and let him stay here with me, but I feel like that would be letting him off easy. I told him if he treated me better I would let him stay here for free and I would pick him up from the airport. But if he kept being the same way I would not do anything for him to visit.

 

Even if you were to "help him out" in the way you say you would, you still wouldn't be paying for jack sh*t! You're in a RELATIONSHIP, thus these expenses really ought to be shared between you, regardless if you're pleased with his behavior or not. He doesn't "owe" you in the literal sense.

 

Your "BF" has every right to be furious with you. I'd be over it if you laid down these rules with me.

[Bontrager]

Oh she isn't being a child or selfish, get over it...errrr

 

I don't blame her one bit for making him pay. The way he seems to treat her, I have no idea why she wants to meet him anyways. I once knew a girl online that I fell for(not on this forum) in 2005. I would of got a second job, busted my ass for pennies to go meet her...I wouldn't expect or want a dime from her.

 

These responses are woman cattiness yes?.. I'm glad I'm a dude.

Edited August 31, 2010 by Bontrager

[Rollercoasterr]

Your attitude stinks. Bad.

 

You aren't paying a DIME for anything that's going on. Do you pay your mother to have him stay at your house? Do YOU have to rent a car to go pick him up? No. These are things you already have. He's paying for the plane ticket. And even if he DOES rent a car and pay for a hotel, what is that proving? That he gave in to your selfishness and spent way more money than he should have? How in the world does that even show that he cares?

 

You need to grow up and realize that you're not cut out for this. If you want to be successful in an LDR you have to give 50/50. You both have to communicate, trust, and make EFFORT. You're sitting back and expecting him to do every single little thing because somehow that's going to prove to you something that it isn't. If he pays for the hotel that isn't going to say that he'll treat you better. If he rents a car that's not going to stop him from breaking up with you.

[Bontrager]

You all are being to hard on her..come on.

 

I suspect she is now a little iffy on letting him come..... She wants him to put in effort in getting to her so it shows he is actually in love and wants to really see her. Right now she might think he is not that serious. You heard her say before that he doesn't do much for the relationship or even anything for her birthday..treats her bad ect ect... I'd be iffy to and want them to prove themselves.

[Rollercoasterr]

The thing is that this isn't going to PROVE anything. Him spending all this money isn't going to make their relationship better, and her expectations aren't either. Shouldn't he romance her, take her somewhere nice, and spend every second showing her how much he cares? That would speak better for how much he cares, rather than having him dump a bunch of money for a hotel and a rental car.

 

Money doesn't buy love. Money doesn't make love last.

[aerogurl87]

Oh she isn't being a child or selfish, get over it...errrr

 

I don't blame her one bit for making him pay. The way he seems to treat her, I have no idea why she wants to meet him anyways. I once knew a girl online that I fell for(not on this forum) in 2005. I would of got a second job, busted my ass for pennies to go meet her...I wouldn't expect or want a dime from her.

 

These responses are woman cattiness yes?.. I'm glad I'm a dude.

 

Well if he treats her that bad, why does she even want to meet him? My ex treated me horribly and I had no interest in meeting him in person till he sprung it on me randomly one day that he was coming to see me. So I find it hard to believe that he's as horrible as she claims he is. I could be wrong, but if he's really that horrible of a boyfriend then why would she want to meet him in the first place is my question. Anyway, I think him putting in an effort to come see her should be proof that he cares about her. Airline tickets aren't cheap, especially for a college student with barely any money.

[allina]

This doesn't sound like a real relationship or real love, sorry It seems like he is messing with you and doesn't take this "relationship" seriously. I think you should just move on and forget about him. I don't think he will come to see you and I don't think this will blossom in to great love. I know that this may seem harsh but don't waste any more time.

[aerogurl87]

The thing is that this isn't going to PROVE anything. Him spending all this money isn't going to make their relationship better, and her expectations aren't either. Shouldn't he romance her, take her somewhere nice, and spend every second showing her how much he cares? That would speak better for how much he cares, rather than having him dump a bunch of money for a hotel and a rental car.

 

Money doesn't buy love. Money doesn't make love last.

 

RC hit the nail on the head. Him spending money on things that she could've helped him out with for free, isn't going to prove anything. His actions with how he treats her will. Instead of spending money on a hotel and a rental car, he could be saving his money for things for them to do together when they get there. That would show his feelings more than him dropping alot of money on a car rental and a room to stay in. Like I said before, something tells me she won't even get the chance to see if he can "prove" his love to her in person as he'll probably dump her before that happens.

[lala82]

When my ex bf came to visit me two months ago. He paid an expensive ticket and travelled 22 hours from the Middle East to South America. I am a graduated still looking for a proper job. But, the fact that I do not have a proper job does not mean that he has to pay everything here. I did different things for him to make him happy without spending a fortune.

 

I do not think that you love enough your bf. When you love someone you will make things to make feel that person very happy. If you really love him it should not be a problem to pick up him in the airport and you will be so happy that he will be in your house

[FitChick]

Why are you two 'together'? it sounds like a nightmare all around to be honest. I wouldn't love someone who treated me badly, things which are so important to me in a partner are compassion, thoughtfulness, affection, amongst other things.

 

I agree. I think most people have missed the point and the point has nothing to do with money! If he is inconsiderate and unreliable now, in the early stages when everything should be rosy, things will only get worse. You are living in a fantasy world. Dump him and find someone better and don't wait a year to meet him!

 

I do long distance dating and have done for years. I make the guy visit me first to prove he is as interested as I am. That way I know he isn't dating me out of convenience, i.e. "I have nothing better to do that weekend, so a quick shag will be fine."