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Posted

Hello all,

My girlfriend of 4 years has been indicating lately that she wants to breakup. Each time she has wanted to actually do it, I always break down and beg her to stay. What's worse, though, is I actually want to breakup, too. I'm tired of all the fighting, all the jealousy, and all the other problems we have. And so I tell myself that I'm just going to do it. But then, when the time comes, I can't. I don't know what's wrong with me. I do love my girlfriend very much, and I don't want to hurt her, so I would think I would acccept and even take advantage of her wanting to leave so I could avoid doing it myself. But I just can't take that final step. What is wrong with me? Why can't I let go? What should I do?

Posted

nothing worng with you. you have just grown into a nitch of comfort since its been so long. its like a blankie that you dont want to let go. it doesnt have to be solved by breaking up maybe taking a break from each other. you may grow closer from that. some space is good sometimes and it'll let both of you think about what you want.

Posted

Nothing is wrong with you as HP said, but what you need to do is have no contact with her, that will make it easier.

Posted

Thanks for those quick replies. Unfortunately, I work with her, so I can't avoid her completely. What to do?

Posted

take time away from the relationship and try to have a work or friendship

Posted

It sounds like you have an addiction not a relationship. You should try to end it and stop feeling so guilty. It's not working out - it's no more your fault than hers.

Posted

Thanks FreeMe. She keeps telling me it's all my fault, even though she's the one with the massive insecurities and trust issues. She makes me feel like I'm ruining her life because I won't accept her not trusting me. And I do feel guilty for it, but I don't know why. Sure, I made some dumb mistakes *way* back at the beginning of our relationship, but nothing that should still keep coming-up today. I've long since proven (IMHO) that I'm worthy of trust, and I tell her that trust is one of the foundations of a solid relationship and ultimately marriage, but she thinks I'm just using that as an excuse to not move forward. And so, I feel guilty again, but don't know why. What's the secret (or is there even one) to letting go of the guilt?

Posted

youre so much in my situation i got chills.....My bf of 3 years and 2 months broke up with me yesterday ..he told me he had been thinking about it for a while but didnt know how to sayu cos he didnt wanna hurt me..i broke into tears and jsut like u..basically begged to stay with me..telling him that we should just not take it so serious but that i loved him and just wanted to be with him, he layed back and i lay my head in his shoulder...even though he was like saying no..but i was like "cmon doesnt this feel nice..dont do this..." finally he gave in..and we stayedtogether but i feel like a fool for doing this because i guess he really doesnt wanna be with me..i also wanna let go yet its so hard...its like I CANT!!!....im not even happy anymore ..especially with myself...im disapointed that ive had to beg to be with him..its just so dumb....

 

I guess its the long time that ive been with him and i honestly dont wanna restart this whole thing with soemne else..i dont feel liek i can love soemone else.....or feel as good as i feel with my bf..i llove him so much...i just wish that if we did break up for good that one day we can be back together..i think if this happened id be more at ease of letting go...but the reason so hard to let go is to face that i might never ever have him for me again..and its just scary to lose someone for good..i love him alot:(

 

 

So goodluck with u...email me or IM me on calithin83 maybe we can help eachother out cos we are in thje same circumstances

Posted

You can't let go when it just happened days ago, folks. How can you expect that? You should expect to feel like this for a while, weeks, maybe months, maybe even longer.

Posted

She doesn't trust you because you may have given her reasons not to in the past.

 

Even though you think you've proved yourself trustworthy now, you still have to earn it from her. Maybe you just don't realize the extent to which you violated the trust. It takes a lifetime to build trust and only seconds to destroy it.

 

Her insecurities may have been justifyable given your betrayal. If she opened herself up to you and exposed her vulnerability and you went and betrayed her trust (e.g. she tells you she loves you and you commit emotional infidelity or physical infidelity), then you should not expect her to trust you so easily. If she did, she would be a fool.

 

It sounds to me like you were the one who ruined everything and now you expect it to fall back in place now that you want the relationship again.

 

By the way, blaming her insecurity is a cope out. Afterall, you were the one who pulled the rug out under her. She has every right to be on guard.

Posted
It sounds to me like you were the one who ruined everything

 

Whoa, slow down here. Telling "Guest" that he's the one that ruined everything isn't fair. How can you make a judgement like that anyway, given the basic knowledge you know about the situation?

 

It takes TWO for a relationship to go down the tubes. Maybe "Guest" did some things in the beginning of the relationship that made his girlfriend feel insecure, but that was 4 years ago. That is more than enough time to build trust again and Guest has obviously tried.

 

The ball is basically in his girlfriend's court. He has tried over the years to prove he's truthworthy but she still acts jealous, etc towards him so it's become HER issue now. She needs to rebuild her self esteem and stop using "Guest" as a scape goat to justify her own insecurities. That's my take on it.

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