problematic Posted February 19, 2004 Posted February 19, 2004 Hey, thank-you for taking the time for reading this, I am really grateful. I am just looking for a bit of advice from other people as to my relationship. First of all a bit about our relationship. I met my girlfriend about 2 and a half years ago at a local youth event. Over time we got to know each other and a few months later we started going out. Things went well for about a year then until I came and told her I had been looking at porn for a short period of time when we first were going out but I stopped because I considered it cheating on her and I just felt it was wrong. However I wanted to come forward and be honest with her. After that things started to change. She became a lot more protective of me though things such as keeping my eyes and head down when out and around (I agreed to this as it is no big deal) and stuff like not watching TV. I don’t do bad things on my own (such as look at porn) or even thinking about doing such things, I am really satisfied in my relationship with my girlfriend but it seems like my story always changes when I tell her things that have gone wrong (which I do not do intentionally) and break small promises such as doing my laundry on different day so I do not come across other family members clothing. At the same time she has given up a lot for me (without me asking or even knowing) such as professional singing where she would have to perform in front of guys and she is very careful at school. I do not often ask her to do certain things that may be taken as overprotective. I am more about her safety and keeping her out of situations that she might get hurt in, because I really do care a lot about her and am very concerned about other guys doing as they please. I guess you could look at it as a "I want you to be how I am" situation coming from her. It is not that I have a problem with how things are, but I feel really bad for letting her down all the time without even meaning too, she says I don’t use common sense but I have never had to do things like this before (not that I mind doing them for the most part). My greatest concern is the future when I need to drive more, or get a job I will have to interact with others more and I really do not want to hurt her, yet I do not know what to do. I know you may say we are young and overprotective of each other (17 years old) but we love each other very much and our sex life is very good. I have no plans to leave her or anything like that, wouldn’t even consider it at this time, however I am looking for advice as to how to help the current situation in this aspect of our lives. Thank-you very much for your time once again, I am so very grateful.
tattoomytoe Posted February 19, 2004 Posted February 19, 2004 tell her you two are not a cult, that outside communication- even with the opposite sex- is fine, normal! you two are way to involved, i mean she tells you what day to wash your clothes !
problematic Posted February 19, 2004 Posted February 19, 2004 how do i do that without making it seem as though i dont care or love her any less? she is the type of person who would take that so personally but in truth all i really want to do is prevent her from having to go though so much more pain down the road when things that i can not even mildly control start happening...
guest Posted February 22, 2004 Posted February 22, 2004 wow. i've never replied to anyone before but your message amazed me. i dont know if i understood it correctly but did you say you have to keep your head down when out in public so you dont make eye contact with others? that is just not normal. i believe a certain amount of jealousy is normal but even that you shouldnt let control your relationship. what you are talking about is not healthy. i think you know this already though. but what you're asking is how to change things without hurting your girlfriend because your recognize that things will have to change at some point, i think. i guess it all goes back to communication, all you can do is talk about it, no matter how upsetting it might be. she must know deep down that some parts of your relationship are unhealthy also. like you said, it's just not reasonable to think you can spend your life like you are. if you both love eachother so much you will see that changes need to be made to keep your relationship going forever and figure out how to make those changes together.
problematic Posted February 24, 2004 Posted February 24, 2004 thank-you very much for your time and input. it really helps me when other people are able to look at the situation and express the same feelings as myself.
moimeme Posted February 24, 2004 Posted February 24, 2004 Hoo boy is this relationship unhealthy!!!! You don't quit looking at other humans or their clothes or the TV just because you are a couple!!!!! You also don't try to 'protect' each other from the world. It sounds as though two overly controlling people have landed together. This is a recipe for total disaster. Please go read some good relationship books. Talk to your family - surely your parents don't do these things! You need to learn all about what constitutes a healthy, normal relationship before you attempt to conduct one.
look forward Posted February 24, 2004 Posted February 24, 2004 problematic your post is very concerning.. your relationship is very unhealthy and I can see that you love your girlfriend dearly and I have no doubt she loves you right back, but life is all about people and interacting with them, sharing different experiences and above all having something which we call "free will" its independent, its individual and gives us the right to talk to who we please, no matter whether they are male or female.. I know you don't want to hurt her but you need to talk to her about the control you both have over each other or this will all end in tears...
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