someotherguy Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 My girlfriend has had a colorful past, and while I respect that she decided to share some of her...exploits...with me, I find myself thinking about them from time to time and cycling through anger, jealousy, resentment, envy, you name it. I'd like to stop it, but from what I've read, it's not really a voluntary action, it's instinctual. Sometimes it makes me feel like a judgmental prick, and I beat myself up over it. Has anyone successfully dealt with feelings of retroactive jealousy?
tman666 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I have dealt with some of this myself. I can tell you that it takes quite a while, but it helps if she (your girlfriend) commits to keeping it in the past. This includes not talking about her other exploits (at least fondly, hahaha), not keeping in contact with any of them, and truly showing that that time in her time is over and gone and won't be coming back. I think what helped me a lot was knowing (after many discussions) that she made mistakes just like we all do, was less mature at one time, and didn't do anything too off the wall. In the end, you have to decide for yourself whether or not her past is something you can deal with. Many here will tell you that you're an insecure, judgmental, a-hole for feeling this way, but the facts are that you feel the way you feel. You're entitled to those feelings, as she is entitled to live her life the way she wants. If those two things can't be reconciled, then it's best to part ways. People do change though. People grow up. Remember that she's the girl you know today because of her experiences and not in spite of them. I know that doesn't make it seem ok, but you have to see her for who she is in the present.
reservoirdog1 Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 (edited) For whatever reason, I've never had a problem with retroactive jealousy. In fact, when a girlfriend has told me about something sexual that she's done before that's kind of daring or a bit wild, my inner reaction tends to be "Cool! She's into ___! Maybe I'll get to do that with her!" Maybe you could try looking at it with that perspective? ETA -- I'm guessing I'd have a problem if I found out a GF had fycked the whole football team or something like that. But, as far as simply having done such-and-such sexual thing with somebody else before me and enjoyed it -- hey, my gain, that guy's loss. She's with me now. Edited August 31, 2010 by reservoirdog1
NYCmitch25 Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 My girlfriend has had a colorful past, and while I respect that she decided to share some of her...exploits...with me, I find myself thinking about them from time to time and cycling through anger, jealousy, resentment, envy, you name it. I'd like to stop it, but from what I've read, it's not really a voluntary action, it's instinctual. Sometimes it makes me feel like a judgmental prick, and I beat myself up over it. Has anyone successfully dealt with feelings of retroactive jealousy? Well, if she's told you the deal, it's on you. I mean, you are just going to have to assume the worst and really see if you can deal with it. Honestly, you may also have to face the possibility of never being able to deal with it. I guess I'll take it that you weren't particularly spreading your seed over the years and it seems like she had a period of "getting around" ? Usually these inequities intensify these feelings. Think about your past When you start to get worried about what she’s done (or who she’s done), think back to all the encounters you’ve had. You didn't always act with class and dignity, and chances are she hasn’t either. Try to use the same standard for yourself as you set for her. Disassociate present from past Just because she once made questionable decisions, doesn’t mean she does so now. Get to know this girl for who she is, not who she was way back when she was a different person with different interests. Don’t let it cloud your view of her now. Try something new Decide on something you’ve both never done, and give it a try. Since you’ll both be learning and growing together, you’ll make a new bond, and be forced to think currently. Also, keep in mind, just because she's done something in the past, doesn't mean she won't want to do it again. Know your limits If you do decide that you can’t handle what she has told you, just get out. The further you get into a relationship the more you’ll drive yourself crazy, and likely her as well. The longer you wait to make the break, the more it will hurt. Don’t wait, because if something bothers you now it’s likely to get worse as your attachment to her gets stronger, not vice versa. opening pandora's box All in all, it’s best to leave the past in the past. You’re better off thinking of yourself as the first (although obviously you should protect yourself as though you’re the hundredth) so that you aren’t intimidated or put off. However, if you find out about what she has done, be decisive about how you’ll handle it and always be a gentleman about it. Remember, you have a past too.
Author someotherguy Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 Thanks for the advice. Long story short, I was not a prude, but I did limit the number of sexual partners I had, and never happened to get involved with anyone who wanted to do anything particularly outrageous. She, on the other hand, has pretty much done any and every thing under the sun. You name it, she's done it. I'm not exaggerating here. And some of those things, for good or evil, she has explicitly told me she will not be doing with me. I wouldn't be asking this question if it was simply the idea of her having had previous lovers, hell, everyone has. However, I really don't want to get into details about the activities she has participated in that seem to trigger this emotional avalanche.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 And some of those things, for good or evil, she has explicitly told me she will not be doing with me. This always sounds so unintelligent on the woman's part, but it kind of makes sense. Maybe you once had a threesome with two women in your past. It was fun (or not), but it's in the past, and you wouldn't want to repeat the experience with this new woman, possibly because you have a strong emotional bond and don't want to damage that with sexual shenanigans.
Author someotherguy Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 After thinking about it some more, I think one of the reasons this is bothering me is because this is a pattern in my life. I keep getting involved with women who turn out to have had pretty wild pasts, but with me they say a handful of things, usually in response to the first conversation about a threesome (which they've all had, but I never have), because it eventually comes up: "I don't want to share you." "I want you all to myself." "I would be crazy jealous to see you with another woman." "I'm afraid I'd lose you because she would want you all to herself." Seriously, this is a bizarre pattern. I end up in relationships with women who seem to think if we had a threesome, the other woman would stalk me or something. Just to be totally clear here, I have never had anything other than "in a relationship, one-on-one, monogamous" sex.
Star Gazer Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 I keep getting involved with women who turn out to have had pretty wild pasts, but with me they say a handful of things, usually in response to the first conversation about a threesome (which they've all had, but I never have), because it eventually comes up: "I don't want to share you." "I want you all to myself." "I would be crazy jealous to see you with another woman." "I'm afraid I'd lose you because she would want you all to herself." Seriously, this is a bizarre pattern. I end up in relationships with women who seem to think if we had a threesome, the other woman would stalk me or something. Just to be totally clear here, I have never had anything other than "in a relationship, one-on-one, monogamous" sex. Do you WANT to have a threesome with your girlfriend?? I totally get why she may have been up for it in the past, but doesn't want to do it now...with YOU. Doesn't have anything to do with thinking the other woman would stalk you or something, but rather, she just doesn't want to share you...at all. Is that a bad thing??
jenifer1972 Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 I have struggled greatly with this and it's getting a bit better. Have now been with my husband a total of 4 years. He was a wild playboy, many ONS, threesome, dating several women at one time, on and on. This was very difficult for me because I was always very selective and never did this stuff. For me it helps that he does not talk about these women with great fondness. Just sort of yeah, did that, some I don't remember their names. Sometimes I ask about them, and for me it helps if he just tells me the truth, then I can let it go (after mulling it over a bit..) I used to get images at the most inconvenient times of what he might have done with some tramp, etc, but it is getting less. You have to come to grips with the fact that the person you love has been promiscuous and get to the point where you accept that fact for what it is, and then you can work on overcoming it. And you need to accept that your partner has had, and probably still has, a different view of sex, and in the past has had sex "just for fun" and not as bonding in a relationship. My husband also says he wouldn't want to do certain things, like a threesome with me, because of the value he places on our relationship. When we first started dating, I knew his past, and made a joke that maybe I wanted him as just a FWB, and boy did he vehemently shut that idea down. So, you can see, that when people like this find someone they love, they place the person they love on a totally different level than their past "playmates". That has helped me. Hope these ideas are helpful a bit for you.
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