kmm111 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Is it normal to experience a grieving process if you are the one who wants it or if you are the one initiating the divorce? Is it inevitable that both spouses grieve?
HopelessinDTW Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Is it normal to experience a grieving process if you are the one who wants it or if you are the one initiating the divorce? Is it inevitable that both spouses grieve? I would guess both sides grieve to some degree, but it also depends on the circumstances. If one spouse is abusive, and it out of control...then the other spouse who initiates the divorce is probably not grieving the loss of the person that it, but perhaps the person that was. I would definately say that the person who doesn't see it coming grieves and has to deal with all the other emotions simultaneously. Whereas the person who is wanting the divorce probably has had more time to deal with the prospect of divorce, and is better prepared with the emotions. Bottom line is divorce is a loss (like death) of a relationship. Unless you're a robot, you will feel grief and a whole list of other emotions as you deal with this loss. It's especially tough with kids...
Gfkr2 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Is it normal to experience a grieving process if you are the one who wants it or if you are the one initiating the divorce? Is it inevitable that both spouses grieve? It is absolutely normal to go through a grieving process at the end of a marriage. I think the the spouse who had no knowledge of the pending divorce is likley to grieve immediately, where the other may get depressed later when they feel guilt being the initiator. As was noted in the other post, it is possible the initiator of the divorce took the time to prepare emotionally and sometimes financially for the end of the M. There are times when an OM or OW invloved and there to support one of the MPs. Kind of unfair if you ask me when the betrayer has a support system in place and you are left to twist alone in the wind.
hopesndreams Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Is it normal to experience a grieving process if you are the one who wants it or if you are the one initiating the divorce? Is it inevitable that both spouses grieve? The dumper grieves way less at first. In time, they too shall grieve the loss and their grief can possibly last a lifetime. If one is divorcing for reason of infidelity or abuse from their partner, in time, joy will enter back into their lives and they will wonder how they could have loved such a loser in the first place.
willowthewisp Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I am not so sure the leaver does grieve at all. Certainly if they do it seems the stages are not the same, all the literature says they are, but then where is the baragining stage by the leaver who is a complete walk away (ie those who don't express unhappiness and try and fix the marriage first)? Maybe the walk away (as above) only grieves when they realise exactly what they have done? But then, not all realise this? Hmmmm. In short, I don't know, but would love to hear other peoples thoughts, good thread topic.
You Go Girl Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I am not so sure the leaver does grieve at all. Certainly if they do it seems the stages are not the same, all the literature says they are, but then where is the baragining stage by the leaver who is a complete walk away (ie those who don't express unhappiness and try and fix the marriage first)? Maybe the walk away (as above) only grieves when they realise exactly what they have done? But then, not all realise this? Hmmmm. In short, I don't know, but would love to hear other peoples thoughts, good thread topic. I was an angry WAW with my 1st marriage. It took years for the anger to subside, and only then, did I feel some regret that I hadn't tried harder to save it before leaving. The walkaway gets no bargaining stage. They can bargain with 'god' later if they so choose, but basically this part is non-existant. All walkaways express unhappiness, but too often, not until they have already made up their mind, therefore not giving the spouse any bargaining power. Remember though, the one who initiates a formal divorce isn't always the walkaway. Some people reside in a marriage for years, having emotionally walked away many years before, aloof, untouchable, or walls made of brick and steel. Everybody grieves though, eventually. It can be postponed through the use of alcohol and drugs, or with a new partner distraction. Entering a new relationship though does not make grieving an avoidable process. Nobody can alleviate the pain of one loss with a new found love. Similar perhaps to having a child immediately after having lost one. The grieving for the one lost must still occur, and the mind will find a way, even if the person tries to avoid it. It will just end up being that much more painful.
willowthewisp Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I was an angry WAW with my 1st marriage. It took years for the anger to subside, and only then, did I feel some regret that I hadn't tried harder to save it before leaving. The walkaway gets no bargaining stage. They can bargain with 'god' later if they so choose, but basically this part is non-existant. All walkaways express unhappiness, but too often, not until they have already made up their mind, therefore not giving the spouse any bargaining power. Mine was telling me how much he loved me and how he could never be without me the day before he left. He didn't tell me why he left or about any unhappiness until the day AFTER he had left our home. Remember though, the one who initiates a formal divorce isn't always the walkaway. Some people reside in a marriage for years, having emotionally walked away many years before, aloof, untouchable, or walls made of brick and steel. Everybody grieves though, eventually. It can be postponed through the use of alcohol and drugs, or with a new partner distraction. Entering a new relationship though does not make grieving an avoidable process. Nobody can alleviate the pain of one loss with a new found love. Similar perhaps to having a child immediately after having lost one. The grieving for the one lost must still occur, and the mind will find a way, even if the person tries to avoid it. It will just end up being that much more painful. Did you contact your XH to tell him your regret and to give him some peace of mind? Many of those who are left in such a way torture themselves about why and if they derserved it and were they to blame, could they have prevented it etc for years and years after, I know I still am.
You Go Girl Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Did you contact your XH to tell him your regret and to give him some peace of mind? Many of those who are left in such a way torture themselves about why and if they derserved it and were they to blame, could they have prevented it etc for years and years after, I know I still am. Wow. Telling you lies the day before he left you, that stab straight at the heart. I did nothing like that. No, I didn't contact him about regret. I might have, but he apparently HATES ME. Almost 10 years later, this from an excellent source, our daughter. Now don't think this H didn't play a part in the divorce, he most certainly did. Maybe I will tell him someday. But we would have to be able to have a civil conversation, and sit down and talk. If he looks into his heart he will know that he loves me, and I love him, forever, and it can never be erased after 21+ years together. Reading the above line again, I wonder, is that the very thing that makes him hate me? He's moved on, I think. He's remarried, but I'm not sure it's a good marriage. I hear it's not. We are NC. The only time I've seen him in the last 5 years was at a funeral.
bestplayer Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Is it normal to experience a grieving process if you are the one who wants it or if you are the one initiating the divorce? Is it inevitable that both spouses grieve? I think that the spouse who wants to end the M in order to be with someone else or they want something new would never experience a grieving process . Simply because no one grieves for something that he/she wants to get rid of . In these scenarios , the only one who grieves is the one who has been dumped . Leaver has no reasons to grieve.
trippi1432 Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 (edited) It is absolutely normal to go through a grieving process at the end of a marriage. I think the the spouse who had no knowledge of the pending divorce is likley to grieve immediately, where the other may get depressed later when they feel guilt being the initiator. As was noted in the other post, it is possible the initiator of the divorce took the time to prepare emotionally and sometimes financially for the end of the M. There are times when an OM or OW invloved and there to support one of the MPs. Kind of unfair if you ask me when the betrayer has a support system in place and you are left to twist alone in the wind. I think that there is a lot of validity in this....my ex wanted me to sell the house and trade my car six months before he left....it became a huge issue and a point of his unhappiness. We had too many "material things" according to him. Now with the writing on the wall, I know the motivation behind it all. Mine told me he loved me even after he left and was with his new GF. Edited August 31, 2010 by trippi1432
dgiirl Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Mine said he grieved for 3 years before leaving. He would go to bed every night (we went to bed at different times) and cry himself to sleep for 3 years. That absolutely astonishes me that he didn't say a thing to me. I believe he tried to bargain with himself during that stage. He said he tried to make me happy. He bought me chocolate bars?! The night he left, he was pretty nasty towards me. Said really hateful awful things to me. About 6 months later, during our negotiation towards the divorce, I made one last failed attempt and sent him a letter. He thanked me for the letter and confessed that the past 6 months has been hell on him. He hasn't been able to sleep well due to the things he said that night. It was semi comforting to know he was going through hell. It didnt stop him from proceeding with the divorce and having two kids with his mistress (they only had "lunch" twice ). I do still have a lot of anger when i think about it. I hope he is still in hell.
trippi1432 Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 I guess I am on the rare side of things...maybe/maybe not. I initiated the divorce when he moved in with the OW/GF...whatever she is... It's conflicting to say the least, however I see no point in sitting around married to someone who is not acting as my husband. The grieving comes and goes...sometimes it hits hard and then there are days when you just throw your hands up in the air and ask why do you even care about it anymore....move on. The point that I don't want to find myself in is believing that I don't deserve better...and that gets hard sometimes when you hit self-blame. Or when you sit and think about all the blame you took for so many years.
Gfkr2 Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 I guess I am on the rare side of things...maybe/maybe not. I initiated the divorce when he moved in with the OW/GF...whatever she is... It's conflicting to say the least, however I see no point in sitting around married to someone who is not acting as my husband. The grieving comes and goes...sometimes it hits hard and then there are days when you just throw your hands up in the air and ask why do you even care about it anymore....move on. The point that I don't want to find myself in is believing that I don't deserve better...and that gets hard sometimes when you hit self-blame. Or when you sit and think about all the blame you took for so many years. I am the same as you, except my W who took up with a MM. I remind myself daily that "I deserve better and she is NOT worth it". Helps
trippi1432 Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 I am the same as you, except my W who took up with a MM. I remind myself daily that "I deserve better and she is NOT worth it". Helps I know exactly what you mean....my ex played both sides of the fence until she could move her husband out. He moved right in with her within a week.
willowthewisp Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Wow. Telling you lies the day before he left you, that stab straight at the heart. I did nothing like that. No, I didn't contact him about regret. I might have, but he apparently HATES ME. Almost 10 years later, this from an excellent source, our daughter. Now don't think this H didn't play a part in the divorce, he most certainly did. Maybe I will tell him someday. But we would have to be able to have a civil conversation, and sit down and talk. If he looks into his heart he will know that he loves me, and I love him, forever, and it can never be erased after 21+ years together. Reading the above line again, I wonder, is that the very thing that makes him hate me? He's moved on, I think. He's remarried, but I'm not sure it's a good marriage. I hear it's not. We are NC. The only time I've seen him in the last 5 years was at a funeral. You have your reasons for not telling him and every situation is different. All I can tell you is how I feel having been the one who was left in this way. Personally, no matter how long it had been, no matter if I was re-married or single, whether I hated him or felt indifference towards him, I would still appreciate it if he gave me the gift of peace of mind. By that I mean that no matter how long it has been and no matter how I will have moved on, being left in this way will mean that there is always going to be a part of me that wonders why and wonders if I somehow deserved it? To be told by the person that walked away, that they regret it, regret not trying first, would bring me a peace of mind that I can't even begin to describe.
You Go Girl Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 You have your reasons for not telling him and every situation is different. All I can tell you is how I feel having been the one who was left in this way. Personally, no matter how long it had been, no matter if I was re-married or single, whether I hated him or felt indifference towards him, I would still appreciate it if he gave me the gift of peace of mind. By that I mean that no matter how long it has been and no matter how I will have moved on, being left in this way will mean that there is always going to be a part of me that wonders why and wonders if I somehow deserved it? To be told by the person that walked away, that they regret it, regret not trying first, would bring me a peace of mind that I can't even begin to describe. That marriage ended almost 10 years ago. Remembering now, there were two letters I wrote to him. The first letter he asked me to write what was wrong with the marriage and why I wanted out. Some of what I wrote was utter bull, some was absolutely true. His response: "Thanks". Nothing else. No debate, no discussion, 8 months before the second letter, he certainly had time to respond. I wrote him another letter on the day before the divorce was final. I wrote more heartfelt, less bull. I was feeling the loss of the marriage and relationship of 21 years. His response: "Thanks". Nothing else. His pride perhaps? Whatever his reasoning for a lack of response, one thing is for sure, it sealed the deal.
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