Question for Married Men

[Minnie09]

 

I could always try "Honey, these girls are creeped out & think you're fake. They laugh at you, make fun of you, & when they aren't doing that they are using you, etc. They look at you as a father type - what is it you want from them?"

 

How do you say something even close to that to someone you love?

 

I did. They are using you, laughing at you, etc. I didn't care. It was what I believed was the truth. Why hide my opinion from my H? As his W you have the right to speak up, even open his eyes. My xH defended his girlies, though, called them dear friends, and that they would never get mad at him for anything, and BS like that. Yeah, why would they? He called me a mean bitch every time I tried to show him what those friendships were really all about. It almost felt like he enjoyed the battle among his "women". But that's a different story. Forgive me for going off topic.

 

Your H seems more reasonable. He has normal friends, too, and I'm sure you guys have other couples as friends, too. So try to open his eyes. Be blunt. They don't understand any other language. And as I said, affairs do happen. And he's exposing himself to that risk. One insecure chick falling for his attention, and he will soak it up like a sponge, thinking it's all about him and his great personality. Ego-boosts make the weirdest things happen.

 

Don't say I didn't warn you! Good luck!!

[Aunt Polly]

Thank you all.

I am grateful for all of your insite & input.

 

I guess I see being blunt as hurting his feelings. That's why I tread lightly on this topic. I can see him being a pouty baby about it if I'm TOO forward about what I see as the truth.

 

And he's exposing himself to that risk. One insecure chick falling for his attention, and he will soak it up like a sponge, thinking it's all about him and his great personality. Ego-boosts make the weirdest things happen.

I never thought of this. Guess anything's possible huh?

 

I never thought of him as being insecure either. He can talk to anyone at any time. It's the darndest thing. But after reading here, could be the problem. But how do you deal with that - therapy??

 

But, I will give some of these ideas a go & we'll see what happens.

[Minnie09]

If you think being blunt will hurt his feelings, you're probably right. Do you see, though, that he is hurting yours?

 

I can only tell you what my story was and how I felt about it. I did see that he hurt my feelings and showed me disrespect with his actions. And as a consequence, I didn't feel the need to approach the problem sensitively. I just said what I had to say, bluntly and in a very outspoken way. I wanted him to understand me. And I wanted to be upfront. The downside of this is, though, that your H will most likely get defensive and start stonewalling you. And then the ball will be in your court.

[Aunt Polly]

My ex used to be that way, too

 

Minnie - but he's your ex now. Did you divorce him because of this type of behavior? Is/Was he like my husband & sees it as He's Doing Nothing Wrong?

[Minnie09]

Minnie - but he's your ex now. Did you divorce him because of this type of behavior? Is/Was he like my husband & sees it as He's Doing Nothing Wrong?

 

Well, what it all boiled down to was the lack of respect, on both sides. He showed me disrespect (see above posts), or that's at least how I felt about it, and consequently I lost respect for him. I also lost respect for him, because I thought that hanging out with young chicks and having no real man-friend to discuss mature issues with, is somehow a sign of insecurity and immaturity (duh). And of course he told me there was nothing wrong with his behavior. No sense of introspection whatsoever!

Then I found out about an EA - he said he had ended for me - continuing behind my back. Plus, there was constant contact with his ex-girlfriends and exW for no explainable reason (all secretively). He applied double standards big time. I, for example, did and had to end my relationships with guy friends immediately, because he was jealous as hell. Every time I went out (hardly ever) I was accused of cheating, and whatnot.

Turning point for me: After I had evidence, there was no apology, no remorse, no asking for forgiveness, nothing. The sincerest I got was, "Can't we put everything behind us and move on?"

It just wasn't enough. I had to leave.

But your situation seems less serious. I think there's hope if you make your boundaries clear.

[Aunt Polly]

"Can't we put everything behind us and move on?"

OMG are you sure you weren't married to my husband? LOL this sounds like something he'd say, for sure!

 

But your situation seems less serious. I think there's hope if you make your boundaries clear.

 

I hope you're right. This is something that has escalatd over the last probably 3 or so years. I guess I turned a blind eye to it because I thought he'd get bored. But he just bounces from one girlie to another. (as far as the emails & paying a little closer attention to one or another's facebook pages)For the most part it's a Facebook issue.

I cracked down on Money issues, so he doesn't have a lot to just blow or to pay for others drinks etc. While a $5 T-shirt, that I know won't fit me, nor would I ever wear, isn't going to break us, it just makes me wonder who the lucky recipiant is.

[painfullyobvious]

I rarely send flowers or gifts to female friends. The occasion I do send them are when they have children, wish them well in a new job or a move, etc. I have never sent them gift for no reason at all. I agree that he is seeking attention or feeling the waters for someone who will be smitten by the attention

[fazz]

And I split up from him 2 weeks ago.

He is 49 and I'm 26.

 

He thinks that when he consider all platonic then i have no reason to get upset about it. In other hand, he always be the nicest boyfriend ever.

 

But yes what he did was disrespectful to our relationship and i consider that we have boundaries issues.

 

I've tried to make him see y point of view that what he is doing is disrespectful to "us' but he always states his point of view from "his" perspective. I really don't know how to shift his perspective and he just keep doing what he is doing and still being nice and all attentive to me at the same time.

 

So i had to leave him. It's very hard because actually we love each other and we are like perfect for each other as in when we are just together. The issues comes from his surroundings. That's just disgusting and come to a point when i become a bit paranoid.

 

So yeah I leave him then, I think he thinks that I'm being ridiculous. I just dont understand how come he can't see it form my perspective .This attitude shows that he is a self centered man.

 

I think a relationship should be about "US" and not "HIM". Unless he wants to keep a chicken, as long s the chicken is well fed and happy it does not need to know that he actually eats chicken.

[jimrich]

Is it acceptable behavior for a man of 50 years old & married 33 years to

1) send flowers to other women besides his wife?

My husband has many 'younger' female friends. And he is a bit of a Facebook Adict. He was in the restaurant & bar business about 7 or so years ago & is still friends with many of the bartenders (women/girls) and has made new friends in the last 7 years.

.... I'd be concerned if he did not send flowers to his wife also. It seems pretty innocent to me. I would have to know what his intent is to make a judgment.

 

2) buy gifts for these women/girls. (the reason I say girls is because some of them are barely 25-all are under 30) When I say gifts, I am referring to cutsie Tshirts he buys for them on Ebay that say a brand of alcohol.

.... Same thing here - what's his intent?

 

Is this something I should be worried about?

...LOL, only if you have low/bad self esteem/worth and are extremely insecure and FEARFUL.

 

He keeps saying "I'm not doing anything wrong. They are just my friends. It's you I love & care about. You're making more of this than is there."

.... So why don't you believe him? If you suspect something, probe into it with good communication skills (google it) otherwise get busy improving your own faulty self worth and confidence.

[Aunt Polly]

So why don't you believe him? If you suspect something, probe into it with good communication skills (google it) otherwise get busy improving your own faulty self worth and confidence

 

Bolded - Bit harsh don't ya think?

I don't believe him at times to a degree because of some issues we've had in the past (that I really don't want to go into right now)

 

I doubt insecurity at 48 is the case. I'm too old for nonsense like that.

My concerns are more geered towards - What if he just happens to pay that extra attention to one young thing one day that really needs it & she latches on.

 

Anyway,

We did have a chat about this over the weekend. Went well. He didn't get defensive. It was a good talk. I explained my concerns & he has assured me that his intentions are not to 'get with' anyone or anything close to that - he even considers himself as a father/grandfatherly type. If someone should take him wrong (which he doubts will happen) he'd handle it.

He said he'd be more mindful of what his actions are & that he understood that it made me a bit uncomfortable when he does & says some of the things that he does. He just didn't realize.

I did use an example that happened just last week when we went out to dinner & he hugged a single girl, 34 I believe, before we left & got in her ear (yes I heard it) & said...."You are so -- Um...Ahh...You just are" She looked at me & I could tell she was uncomfortable. He has done this multiple times in the past - Usually when he's been drinking. I just don't want people laughing or making fun of "The Old Drunk Guy"

 

Anyway - he understands now.

[BB07]

Has none of these girls ever given him a slap in the face? Coz that is what he would risk to get if he would approach me that way.

I am highly allergic to men who do not respect my personal space (the kind of invisible circle which I have around me and in which only some people can enter - I think most of us have such a circle); it makes me really aggressive. Someone who comes to close risks to get screamed at by me, it is my way of shaming such a person by letting everyone know what he does.

 

The thing about a man like Aunt Polly's hubby is that they usually do it mostly to people who are in service positions, such as waitresses, bartenders, ect. Those in service positions are at a disadvantage because it's less likely that they are gonna get into attack mode on him. Aunt Polly's hubby KNOWS that, and takes advantage of it. Not to say that one of these days that someone isn't going to knock his ass out, but it's less likely in the scenarios he does it in.

He is your classic dirty old man, who doesn't have a clue that he is a joke.

 

Way back many years ago, I used to waitress and a fellow waitress poured HOT coffee over a man's head. She just snapped, said she didn't even remember doing it, but she did remember why she did it. The guy grabbed her ass...........and she lost it. That coffee pot tipped right over the top of his head. Good thing the guy had a hat on or else he would have probably been seriously burned, but as it was it was 1st degree burns only.

[Aunt Polly]

The thing about a man like Aunt Polly's hubby is that they usually do it mostly to people who are in service positions, such as waitresses, bartenders, ect. Those in service positions are at a disadvantage because it's less likely that they are gonna get into attack mode on him. Aunt Polly's hubby KNOWS that, and takes advantage of it. Not to say that one of these days that someone isn't going to knock his ass out, but it's less likely in the scenarios he does it in.

He is your classic dirty old man, who doesn't have a clue that he is a joke.

 

OMG I had thought of this - but hadn't. Know what I mean.

Now that I think about it he really doesn't even communicate much with folks on the other side of the bar (so to speak)

It's almost like the waitress or bartender is a safer 'target' (for lack of a better word) I do think too that since a lot of his guy friends are single & younger, he feels like he can chime in & do what they do. The difference is THEY ARE trying to get into these girls panties. That much I do know.

[BB07]

OMG I had thought of this - but hadn't. Know what I mean.

Now that I think about it he really doesn't even communicate much with folks on the other side of the bar (so to speak)

It's almost like the waitress or bartender is a safer 'target' (for lack of a better word) I do think too that since a lot of his guy friends are single & younger, he feels like he can chime in & do what they do. The difference is THEY ARE trying to get into these girls panties. That much I do know.

 

Polly, he is taking advantage and using those in a weaker position because of their employment to get his jollies. He is the classic dirty old man, who the waitresses laugh at and one of those men who if truth be told, they would like to knock him off the bar stool and on his ass. Oh they may laugh with him and pretend to like it, but truth be told, they think he is a real slime-ball. He would NEVER do such a thing to some woman he met on the street, now would he? You know why.........right? Because he knows he would get what is coming to him. And what does that say about the man?

[BB07]

Polly, what it comes down to is, a lack of respect for you and other people. He gets his jollies at the expense of you and other people. Oh he protests loudly and says, he means no harm, but it's BS. He is the guy that waitresses hate.

He is taking advantage of you.........and other women under the guise of being a nice, fun loving guy and because he gifts them, he thinks it somehow makes it all right but truth is he is trying to buy them off so they will accept his rude crude behavior. Some women will allow it, cause they like the gifts or need the attention, but one of those women who has some issues of her own is gonna see him as wonderful. Then you are going to have a whole other set of problems on your hands.

That isn't nice guy or grandfatherly behavior now is it and the sooner you let him know in no uncertain terms that you won't tolerate it, he'll either man up and act like a man his age or you will see how twisted he is.