Question for Married Men

[Aunt Polly]

I'm new here & I have a question for the married guys out there.

 

Brief Intro about me: Married 33 years/2 grown children

 

Is it acceptable behavior for a man of 50 years old & married 33 years to

1) send flowers to other women besides his wife?

My husband has many 'younger' female friends. And he is a bit of a Facebook Adict. He was in the restaurant & bar business about 7 or so years ago & is still friends with many of the bartenders (women/girls) and has made new friends in the last 7 years.

2) buy gifts for these women/girls. (the reason I say girls is because some of them are barely 25-all are under 30) When I say gifts, I am referring to cutsie Tshirts he buys for them on Ebay that say a brand of alcohol.

 

Is this something I should be worried about? He keeps saying "I'm not doing anything wrong. They are just my friends. It's you I love & care about. You're making more of this than is there."

 

Any responses would be helpful.

THANKS

[InceptorsRule]

I wonder what emotional need he is seeking to have fulfilled by this kind of interaction with other women?

 

That's at the root of this issue, his explanation doesn't seem satisfactory.

[Aunt Polly]

I've thought about the emotional needs & have asked him. He says there are none, he's just being nice.

 

 

Here's another thing that I found.

And I know if I confront him he's going to say the same thing he always does - But

 

Don't you think it's inappropriate to:

 

Email a single woman on Facebook instead of writing on someone's wall for the whole world to see? (Latest example: "Just wanted to say HI, Haven't seen you in a while. YOU ROCK!")- He tells me I rock too. Should I think that it's meaningless, since he says it to every other female?

 

How can someone think that's acceptable behavior?

 

If I bring this up to him I might as well bang my head against the wall. He will never see it as inappropriate. (Obvioulsy he'd be pissed that I 'snooped' but I think that's secondary to what he's saying to these other women)

He knows that I have his FB password - BTW.

 

Any ideas on how to confront a situation like this one.

 

A bit of background: He is attentive to me in most every way. He is never out late at night, if he sees these women it's during the day at whatever restaurant they're working at while they are working. He still tells me all the time how attractive I am. Could I be overreacting? Could it really be his 'innocent being nice' persona? Are there other men out there like this? He believes in Karma at ALL COSTS. Always to be nice to someone, no matter what they have done (& yes I mean no matter what they have done to you or to someone else)

[exploring]

ME: male 41 yrs old married for 16 years.

 

Sounds like your husband likes the attention and thrill of being around younger women (he did marry younger as well). Some men like it due to sexual turn on and some like it because they feel confident and wise around younger women. If he is being open and honest with you I don't see too many issues. How did you two meet? Was he married before you? Was he married when he met you?

[Aunt Polly]

We have been married 33 years. I'm only 2 years younger than he is. So, no neither of us was married before. We're it.

 

Some men like it due to sexual turn on and some like it because they feel confident and wise around younger women

 

I wondered this too because even when we're out with folks our own age (which is rare) he still gravitates towards the youngest female. We have very few friends that are our age. Kind of pisses me off. He's never interested in doing much unless it involves being where the "Action" is & a younger crowd.

 

My greatest pet peeve these days is that he is so attached to his phone & facebook that I could just SCREAM. I've told him how disrespectful it is when he's out with me & he checks FB status' no less than every 3 or 4 minutes. (I kid you not about this) When we're at home he watches the laptop with FB up like it's the stock market.

[Minnie09]

I think it's rather unacceptable to spend money on other women. What would he say if you did the same? Sounds to me like he's having boundary problems, looking for attention and ego-boosts. People like that are often prone to affairs. He might have had emotional affairs before, and covered them up as friendships. Sometimes the guys don't know what they're doing. They just want the attention and think everything is innocent, because they're not sexually involved, just emotionally, or as friends, or they think flirting is ok.

Buying presents is not okay, though. I am sure that he's aware of that, too.

Tell him you don't accept it. Maybe he doesn't know?!?

[exploring]

We have been married 33 years. I'm only 2 years younger than he is. So, no neither of us was married before. We're it.

 

 

 

I wondered this too because even when we're out with folks our own age (which is rare) he still gravitates towards the youngest female. We have very few friends that are our age. Kind of pisses me off. He's never interested in doing much unless it involves being where the "Action" is & a younger crowd.

 

My greatest pet peeve these days is that he is so attached to his phone & facebook that I could just SCREAM. I've told him how disrespectful it is when he's out with me & he checks FB status' no less than every 3 or 4 minutes. (I kid you not about this) When we're at home he watches the laptop with FB up like it's the stock market.

 

mid life crisis? wanting to feel young hanging with the young crowd. I find 16 yr old checking facebook all day annoying a 50 yr old man doing it is odd.

[Aunt Polly]

Mid Life Crisis?? Ha Ha! I've thought about that too but he's already had 2.

 

How many are guys allowed to have???

[exploring]

Mid Life Crisis?? Ha Ha! I've thought about that too but he's already had 2.

 

How many are guys allowed to have???

 

Maybe he is having one long one, from 40-80:rolleyes:

[Spark1111]

I've thought about the emotional needs & have asked him. He says there are none, he's just being nice.

 

 

Here's another thing that I found.

And I know if I confront him he's going to say the same thing he always does - But

 

Don't you think it's inappropriate to:

 

Email a single woman on Facebook instead of writing on someone's wall for the whole world to see? (Latest example: "Just wanted to say HI, Haven't seen you in a while. YOU ROCK!")- He tells me I rock too. Should I think that it's meaningless, since he says it to every other female?

 

How can someone think that's acceptable behavior?

 

If I bring this up to him I might as well bang my head against the wall. He will never see it as inappropriate. (Obvioulsy he'd be pissed that I 'snooped' but I think that's secondary to what he's saying to these other women)

He knows that I have his FB password - BTW.

 

Any ideas on how to confront a situation like this one.

 

A bit of background: He is attentive to me in most every way. He is never out late at night, if he sees these women it's during the day at whatever restaurant they're working at while they are working. He still tells me all the time how attractive I am. Could I be overreacting? Could it really be his 'innocent being nice' persona? Are there other men out there like this? He believes in Karma at ALL COSTS. Always to be nice to someone, no matter what they have done (& yes I mean no matter what they have done to you or to someone else)

 

I would not like it. I would not be comfortable with it.

 

When an older man showers compliments and gifts on younger woman, it is creepy and appears somewhat foolish to.....woman.

 

Tell him to knock it off. It's your marriage.

 

Ask him how would he feel if you were Fbooking and gifting to younger men all the time?

 

I mean really.

[Aunt Polly]

I know that if a guy did some of the things that he's done I'd be creeped out.

He used to be that 'dirty old guy' that would walk up to a table of women & take one of their hands & kiss it & tell them how pretty they were.

I told him how super creepy that was & that these women just laugh at him. Well that much at least stopped. (Well it's stopped in front of me is all I can say)

I guess I am waiting (& wishing) one of these girls calls him out on it.

Like - Why are you emailing me on facebook instead of writing on my wall? or Where's your wife? or you know, stuff like that.

Hopefully it'll happen sooner than later. I'm kind of fed up but I know there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

 

He claims innocence every single time.

 

Those that may think that he is cheating - he's not. There is no evidence of that whatsoever.

[D-Lish]

I would not like it. I would not be comfortable with it.

 

When an older man showers compliments and gifts on younger woman, it is creepy and appears somewhat foolish to.....woman.

 

Tell him to knock it off. It's your marriage.

 

Ask him how would he feel if you were Fbooking and gifting to younger men all the time?

 

I mean really.

 

^ This. He's embarrassing himself.

There is no other way to explain this behaviour other than labelling it "creepy". The young girls aren't lapping it up and appreciating the gifts- I guarantee that they are embarrassed by it.

 

Really, what is it saying that he's spending time scouring the net searching for gifts to buy for young girls. Shameful behaviour.

[Crazy Magnet]

That is flat out creepy weird old guy behavior.

 

I'm sure the girls like the free stuff (I mean, who wouldn't want free stuff!?!)

 

I knew a very similar man who spent lots of money on young girls. By periphery I ended up having dinner with this guy and his girlie entourage (I was there with my friends btw, I don't hang out with this type). Anyway, he picked up the tab for ALL of us, for a STEAK dinner. There were 7 or 8 of us, plus drinks.

 

Super creepy and weird and it made me so uncomfortable to have him pay for me like that.

[Yo quiero Taco Bell]

u got trubble. He's out there trollin' for takers. His behavior is not normal and is at least grounds for claiming emotional affairs. This iz only wut u r c'ing.

[2sunny]

have you also checked his phone? if he checks it as much as he checks his fb page - then the answer may be in his calls, text messages, emails...

 

when he's spending THAT much time and energy outside the marriage - yes, it's cheating.

 

he could be spending that time and energy reinforcing the strength of your M instead of taking away from it and giving it to others in inappropriate ways.

 

either way it's disrespecting you and your M.

[Westy]

Its not normal. What possible reason does a 50 yo man need to be friends with women in their 20's/30's for when hes married? Buying them gifts?

 

I can only imagine he wants something from them. Think about it this way if their just friends, how many male friends does he go out and buy stuff for and give gifts to?

[Minnie09]

Think about it this way if their just friends, how many male friends does he go out and buy stuff for and give gifts to?

 

My ex used to be that way, too. All his friends were females, younger, and they went out drinking and such, he bought them drinks and dinners, even plane tickets and presents. He also claimed that all was innocent and they were just hanging out as friends. Before we got involved, though, he had fwb relations with one or two of them, too.

When asked about it, his explanation was that he just didn't get along with guys and thus had not one single male friend. Freaky.

[Aunt Polly]

He doesn't buy gifts for his male friends. That would be even creepier.

But if any of them need anything from him he'll drop what he's doing to go & pick up furniture for them, etc.

 

He's also that guy that picks up the tab for everyone, whether we can afford it or not.

 

Yes, I've checked his phone from time to time. Nothing odd. No weird phone numbers or text messages.

 

He did do some traveling last year & came home with about 6 or 7 NEW girls (bartender & waitresses he met at establishments he'd frequent) to add to his facebook "Friends" - He will most likely never (or maybe once) go back to this place, so my question is what's the point? His answer - Well I didn't ask them to be my friend!! They asked me.

 

I think as far as the waitresses & bartenders go, they like him because he's a big tipper.

 

Guess what I'm hoping to get here is a few other ideas on how to approach this situation. As I said, I'm banging my head against the wall. (I'm too old to have to deal with another teenager) Anything I say is either is answered in anger or with blank stares & I'm accused of not allowing him to have friends. Now I'm the meanie!!

 

Also, I can't say "Oh, I see you emailed so & so - what was that all about?" He always looks at any questions such as that as an attack.

 

Maybe I'm just complaining about nothing & will have to just deal with this. Looks like that's the direction it's going now.

[BB07]

Just wanted to chime in here aunt polly. Your husband sounds like a very insecure man who is possibly having a middle aged crisis. Normal men do not feel the need to pick up the tab all the time nor flirt with much younger women, he has big issues with his self esteem. The worst........he does not see himself as doing anything wrong and frankly I don't know how you are going to convince him that he is.

 

Many years ago I used to waitress and I recall meeting a few older men like him and they creeped me out and I'm sure he is creeping out these young ladies too and sadly some of them are probably laughing at him behind his back and the money, oh they are going to pretend to go along with it to get that fat tip, but most of them are going to look at him as a creep. The worst thing is that eventually some younger woman is not going to see through his crap and they are going to feel flattered because they are needing some attention in their own life and there you go, an affair will start.

 

I wish you all the best and I hope you can do something to make him see that his behavior is hurting you and him.

[Aunt Polly]

Maybe I should switch the question up.

 

How many married women in their 40's would put up with & or figure out how to deal with a husband like this?

[2sunny]

Maybe I should switch the question up.

 

How many married women in their 40's would put up with & or figure out how to deal with a husband like this?

 

you're getting good info and advice... why ask a different question? you don't like the answers here?

 

you need to get a firm boundary. one that works for you.

 

if he doesn't follow what makes YOU happy, then it tells you that to flirt with and pay for the other women is more important than you.

 

consequences is usually what follows... he keeps doing it because he has no consequences even though he knows he willing to cause YOU hurt feelings for his selfish behavior.

 

IF it's THAT important for him - you may need to have him leave. THEN and only then, he may understand just how selfish he's being by being TOTALLY inappropriate.

 

 

even if i were only dating a guy and he did these things you're describing, i'd dump him. since his priority is to make these other people happy at your expense - he is disregarding and disrespecting you every time he does it - and he knows it. that is NOT loving behavior, no matter how much he overcompensates by being sweet and loving when he's with you. it's inappropriate, you're allowed to say so.

[Aunt Polly]

you're getting good info and advice... why ask a different question? you don't like the answers here?

No - not at all. I do think that I'm getting good advice here. I was merely wondering - sort of a hmmmm - am I the only one out there? kind of question.

 

I appreciate all input.

 

I agree with setting bounderies & that it's inappropriate. I've tried to explain where I'm coming from without coming out & saying HEY - I saw that email you sent to what's her name, you don't think that's inappropriate? He'll obviously say NO. I can say all day long that I don't like it, but it still doesn't halt the behavior since he has blinders on & doesn't see it as inappropriate.

 

I could always try "Honey, these girls are creeped out & think you're fake. They laugh at you, make fun of you, & when they aren't doing that they are using you, etc. They look at you as a father type - what is it you want from them?"

 

How do you say something even close to that to someone you love?

 

eventually some younger woman is not going to see through his crap and they are going to feel flattered because they are needing some attention in their own life and there you go, an affair will start.

This is a bit of a fear for me.

Although, he is 50, we're not wealthy, overweight, has heart/health issues, drinks too much, falls asleep most nights before 7 or 8. - So it's not a huge fear. I love him. I just can't see someone in their 20's or 30's thinking he's all that & a bag of chips.

Edited September 21, 2010 by Aunt Polly

[2sunny]

How do you say something even close to that to someone you love?

 

when you love someone you always tell them YOUR TRUTH. you don't like it. want it to stop. it's hurtful. you're leaving if he doesn't stop. more than that it looks like he needs to quit drinking. ask him to do both of those things or you're leaving - they probably go hand in hand.

 

YOU don't have consequences - so what's the point in him stopping it? he's willing to hurt you over and over, knowing he's doing it on purpose at that point... THAT would be enough for me to say "no more."

[BB07]

[quote=Aunt Polly;3008208

This is a bit of a fear for me.

Although, he is 50, we're not wealthy, overweight, has heart/health issues, drinks too much, falls asleep most nights before 7 or 8. - So it's not a huge fear. I love him. I just can't see someone in their 20's or 30's thinking he's all that & a bag of chips.

 

You know him, the real him and his faults and the things that are NOT attractive, but don't assume that just because you see these things that someone else will, they won't at the start. I'm not trying to be cruel, but there is a woman out there, probably more than one, who would think he is charming and cute and sweet. They don't know the real him, and perhaps that woman has a deep need for attention or fill in the blank, she needs something and he seems to have whatever IT is, she is out there, don't kid yourself. Polly......it will happen if you don't put a lid on it now. You may not be able to convince him that he is doing you wrong and you may lose him and your marriage, but the only way he is going to take you serious is show him you take it serious and you are gonna throw his sorry azz out if he doesn't stop. He is hurting you, disrespecting YOU, don't live like that hon.

[Minnie09]

No - not at all. I do think that I'm getting good advice here. I was merely wondering - sort of a hmmmm - am I the only one out there? .

 

No, you're not. See my post above. My ex: big tipper in bars, only younger female friends, not one single guy friends, bought expensive gifts for Christmas and birthdays and in-between, even for their kids, trips, plane tickets etc. It stopped when we got married (or he was hiding it better), but I hated even the mere thought of it. All that waste of money for people he called his friends.... Weird. They were all like 15 or so years younger, a relatively close group of girls, some married, some single, some mothers, all the same age group though. They knew he could afford paying for them, so I guess that's why they hung out/invited him to go out drinking. It slowed down a bit once we got M, as I said.

 

EAs did occur. PAs: I'm not sure about, but what I knew was enough.