hunnybea Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Most of you know my story and we are working through it...but one thing has nagged my mind since a poster commented on it in my thread. Should I tell the other woman's husband? Here's their background...he abuses her...(so she says) but I just didn't pick up that vibe from him and we used to be neighbors so we all know each other. But I'm not ruling it out...of course, could have been the poor pitiful me thing she was telling my husband when they were having their affair...I didn't hear a thing about it until that happened... BUT... He has cheated on her a couple of times himself...once with her sister...This one I could see easily because of the way he acted around me. He never hit on me, but he was very overly friendly. Always coming over when I was outside and talking...but never talking to my husband...always watching me, etc. I do know if he ever just comes and asks me, I will tell him. But I'm not sure I should go out of my way to tell him... Does he deserve to know if he cheats too and abuses her? (supposedly)
2sure Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I do know if he ever just comes and asks me, I will tell him. Sometimes that has to be good enough. Does he deserve to know if he cheats too and abuses her? (supposedly) Both of them sounds as though they are already getting what they deserve. Shut them out - do not open a new line of communication with this pair of train wrecks.
Snowflower Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Most of you know my story and we are working through it...but one thing has nagged my mind since a poster commented on it in my thread. Should I tell the other woman's husband? Here's their background...he abuses her...(so she says) but I just didn't pick up that vibe from him and we used to be neighbors so we all know each other. But I'm not ruling it out...of course, could have been the poor pitiful me thing she was telling my husband when they were having their affair...I didn't hear a thing about it until that happened... BUT... He has cheated on her a couple of times himself...once with her sister...This one I could see easily because of the way he acted around me. He never hit on me, but he was very overly friendly. Always coming over when I was outside and talking...but never talking to my husband...always watching me, etc. I do know if he ever just comes and asks me, I will tell him. But I'm not sure I should go out of my way to tell him... Does he deserve to know if he cheats too and abuses her? (supposedly) I think you need to look at your own situation and decide what makes sense for YOU. The fact that they are neighbors of yours might mean it is a good idea that everyone is on the same playing field, so to speak. As it stands, 3 out of 4 of you (you, your H and the OW/neighbor) all know. Perhaps he should as well, simply because of proximity. OTOH, if you don't feel like dealing with the high emotions and drama surrounding telling the other husband, then don't. I didn't feel up to dealing with/talking to the OW's husband in my own situation. I had enough on my plate and was emotionally taxed enough so I didn't attempt to tell him. It's your call. What do you want to do? Don't feel like you have to tell him...he is not your concern.
Spark1111 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 If you feel assured that there is no contact and the affair is truly over and your husband has recommitted 100% to rebuilding your marriage than maybe not. You will not need all the stress and added drama that may cause your reconciliation. Generally exposure to all parties is suggested when the affair continues in secret. Exposing it to the light of day puts all people on the same page where they can make an informed choice about what they want for the future. Often times, the MP will re-commit to to the marriage and then try secretly to re-engage the AP. Disclosure to all spouses helps to prevent this. Your call. These two do sound as if they deserve each other.
Author hunnybea Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 If you feel assured that there is no contact and the affair is truly over and your husband has recommitted 100% to rebuilding your marriage than maybe not. You will not need all the stress and added drama that may cause your reconciliation. Generally exposure to all parties is suggested when the affair continues in secret. Exposing it to the light of day puts all people on the same page where they can make an informed choice about what they want for the future. Often times, the MP will re-commit to to the marriage and then try secretly to re-engage the AP. Disclosure to all spouses helps to prevent this. Your call. These two do sound as if they deserve each other. Good things to think about...I've been afraid he would try and re-engage that relationship...but there has been no contact at all on either side. He goes to work, comes home and won't go anywhere unless I'm with him. Not because I insist, but because he insists because he doesn't want me to think he's doing something...he's even given up hunting and fishing until I can handle it. Again, his idea, not mine. I've not made one ultimatum...I figure if I had to, then it wasn't worth saving. I've also told him he's free to go at anytime. I won't be second best. Thanks to everyone...you've given me a lot to think about that I haven't considered.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 even though he is a cheater himself and they deserve each other, ya, tell him. since he is a cheater he doesn't really deserve to know, but it would be your way of getting even with her. Then the only question would remain is, if you want to get even with her, what are your plans for your husband since he is the one most responsible for your betrayal?
Author hunnybea Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 That's the thing...as tempting as it may be to get even with her...I know it's wrong and revenge won't help anything. They did wrong. Both of them...but I CAN choose to be the bigger person here. In a way I think he should know about it because they are married...but then again he has broken his vows more than once with no repentance...and I really don't wanna open a can of worms. If this man were a good, honest man, I would tell him in a heartbeat...not to get even, but because he should know. I think I'll take the advice I found here...I'm gonna work on me and my relationship. If in the future he finds me and asks that question, I will tell him, but I'm not going to him with the information.
lkjh Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Don't you think he has the right to know that his wife is cheating on him and possibly lying about him. Saying "if he ever ask me Ill tell him" is the same as witnessing someone steal and say "Ill tell the victim if they ask me". Just my perspective
torranceshipman Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 A man who bangs his W's sister and hits on his neighbor and probably everything else with a pulse suggests that he might also be the type to be abusive in some way - sounds like a right to*ser.
lkjh Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 A man who bangs his W's sister and hits on his neighbor and probably everything else with a pulse suggests that he might also be the type to be abusive in some way - sounds like a right to*ser. I agree but the source of all of this is his wife who is cheating on him. From everything I have read wives that cheat almost always claim that the H's are abusive and cheaters. A lot of the times(if not most) they are lying. Seriously every post on here about a cheating wife has something like this in there. When the H finds out he also hears that his cheating wife told all of their friends that he is abusive and a cheater. So Im just not sure if I would take her word for it
Dexter Morgan Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 That's the thing...as tempting as it may be to get even with her...I know it's wrong and revenge won't help anything. They did wrong. Both of them...but I CAN choose to be the bigger person here. there is nothing "small" about ratting her out. you are already "bigger" than someone that cheats and sleeps with other women's husbands.
Author hunnybea Posted September 3, 2010 Author Posted September 3, 2010 there is nothing "small" about ratting her out. you are already "bigger" than someone that cheats and sleeps with other women's husbands. I believe how you react to a situation defines your character...if I were to tell him only because I wanted revenge, to get back at her...well, I just couldn't feel good about myself if I stooped that low. That's not who I am...more importantly, that's not who I want to be.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 I believe how you react to a situation defines your character...if I were to tell him only because I wanted revenge, to get back at her...well, I just couldn't feel good about myself if I stooped that low. That's not who I am...more importantly, that's not who I want to be. so don't tell then....delimma solved
jj33 Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 A man who bangs his W's sister and hits on his neighbor and probably everything else with a pulse suggests that he might also be the type to be abusive in some way - sounds like a right to*ser. I agree and if its even possibly true dont tell him. Focus your energy on your marriage and deciding what you want for your future.
lkjh Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 I believe how you react to a situation defines your character...if I were to tell him only because I wanted revenge, to get back at her...well, I just couldn't feel good about myself if I stooped that low. That's not who I am...more importantly, that's not who I want to be. I see what you are saying but doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is still the right thing. And doing the wrong thing for the right reasons is still the wrong thing. It comes down to whether or not you think the H has a right to know that his wife is cheating. But do what is best for your situation
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