A whole new hurt

[ShannonMI]

I broke up with my ex almost 4 months ago and everyday has been a struggle, but I've been ok. Some days are good and some days I feel very sad.

 

Yesterday I found out my ex is dating someone and it's a whole new pain that I'm dealing with now. I feel like my wounded heart has been ripped again from my chest and it's being stomped on. I knew this would eventually happen. I would find out he was dating someone else and I would have to deal with the pain of it. Now that that time is here, I can just say it's sh*tty to say the least. I don't know how long he's been dating this person, but I'm sure it isn't a recent thing. I'm sure he was with her right after he broke up with me and I'm just finding out now.

What kills me is that we had an 8 year relationship that was great. At least in my eyes it was. He blindsided me at the end of May with "I've changed and we aren't right together anymore." He dumped me and now he's dating a college kid. This girl he's seeing is 8 years younger then him and 11 years younger then me. It's such a shock. She's a kid. He dumped me to be with a kid. To me that is the ultimate hurt.

 

I go back and forth between extreme hurt and pain to rage. I'm so angry that I wasted 8 years of my life with this f**king a**hole. 8 years of being loyal to him, supporting him, loving him unconditionally and he dumps me for WHAT?? Now I'm 31 and single and have to start all over again. I know there are some of you on LS that are older and have to start again and it's the worst feeling. I can relate. I feel like I wasted so much time. I thought I was going to be with this person forever and he never gave any indication that he was unhappy in the relationship. That's why this is so difficult.

 

It's horrible of me to say, but I hope this young kid he's with burns him. I hope he realizes what a mistake he made. I will never take him back, but I hope someday he realizes he lost a great relationship.

 

He says he wants to be friends with me. He's said this many times. I don't want to waste another minute on this a**hole. If he ever contacts me, that is what I'm telling him. "You wasted 8 years of my life, why the hell would I waste anymore of it being your friend?" You can't have the best of both worlds, dude. Having my friendship and then going home to your little 20 year old. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. He gets to go on his merry way and I'm left to pick up the pieces. I'm left with nothing, but a huge hole in my heart and all this pain. I have to see a therapist, be put on medication, be absolutley miserable and he gets to f*ck a 20 year old. How is this fair? I'm beyond angry at this point. Is there anyone on LS that's going through this right now? Or something similar? It helps to know I'm not alone. Thank you for any feedback.

[bonpaw2008]

{{{{Big hug}}}}} Shan - it does all suck. You have such a great attitude about NC and being his friend, keep it up! This is just a slight blip in your recovery, you got this and you will keep striving while he is still stuck in the past looking for .... whatever he is looking for. Don't worry about him and his nonsense, keep moving forward.

[bboy]

Shannon,

Eventually almost all ex's end up with someone new and this is what we've feared from the beginning and sort of black out in our minds. There is always a thought of our ex's coming back, begging, plead guilty and long for a reconciliation.

 

However when it comes to the bitter end a reconciliation might be temporarily possible, but when wounds are healed there is a major issue if we would be able to forgive and forget what this person has done to us. There is a reason why second chances almost always go bust. The damage done before can not be repaired and the wounds start bleeding again.

 

Do you sincerely think you would be able to forgive this person. Not just for the moment but in the long run for what they have done? Most actually do not. My situation is a bit of a revenge from my ex. I broke up -> second chance -> burnt badly. So I know what I'm talking about.

[YellowShark]

What kills me is that we had an 8 year relationship that was great. At least in my eyes it was. He blindsided me at the end of May with "I've changed and we aren't right together anymore." He dumped me....

 

I had a 7-year relationship, which I cherished, yet behind my back my EX was having an affair with a MM who's wife was/is pregnant with their first child. I caught them red-handed necking on my own deck one night in May.

 

...and now he's dating a college kid. This girl he's seeing is 8 years younger then him and 11 years younger then me. It's such a shock. She's a kid. He dumped me to be with a kid. To me that is the ultimate hurt.

 

I can't believe my EX was "dating" a MM who's wife was/is pregnant while we were still a couple. So I can relate to the pain.

 

I go back and forth between extreme hurt and pain to rage. I'm so angry that I wasted 8 years of my life with this f**king a**hole. 8 years of being loyal to him, supporting him, loving him unconditionally and he dumps me for WHAT??

 

Me too. I supported my EX through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, financially, emotionally, etc. And she threw it all away to be with a MM with-a-pregnant-wife. How sick is that? I too feel like I've blown 7 years of my life.

 

Now I'm 31 and single and have to start all over again. I know there are some of you on LS that are older and have to start again and it's the worst feeling. I can relate. I feel like I wasted so much time. I thought I was going to be with this person forever and he never gave any indication that he was unhappy in the relationship. That's why this is so difficult.

 

Same here. My EX never gave me any indication that anything was wrong. But you're only 31 ShannonMI, you have MANY good years left in ya!

 

He says he wants to be friends with me. He's said this many times. I don't want to waste another minute on this a**hole. If he ever contacts me, that is what I'm telling him. "You wasted 8 years of my life, why the hell would I waste anymore of it being your friend?" You can't have the best of both worlds, dude. Having my friendship and then going home to your little 20 year old. Sorry, it doesn't work that way.

 

He's not a friend. He's an EX lover who now has to be dust-binned. He can't have his cake and eat it too, nor are you a "Plan B."

 

He gets to go on his merry way and I'm left to pick up the pieces. I'm left with nothing, but a huge hole in my heart and all this pain. I have to see a therapist, be put on medication, be absolutley miserable and he gets to f*ck a 20 year old. How is this fair? I'm beyond angry at this point. Is there anyone on LS that's going through this right now? Or something similar? It helps to know I'm not alone. Thank you for any feedback.

 

Number one is you aren't left with "nothing" ShannonMI. Like you I am left with losta pain and questions. But I existed before my EX and I shall exist after her. You have your WHOLE life ahead of you... around 60+ years!

 

The test for me now is to not let my EX ruin the rest of my life too. So my advice is go total NO CONTACT with him, focus on yourself, and in time you shall feel better. Let your EX and this young girl go off into the sunset together and only worry about you. it's hard, it sucks, but when life gives you lemons, make lemonade!

 

Best of luck.

[ShannonMI]

Thank you for replying guys. Yellowshark, I feel so bad for you. What a sick b*tch your ex was to have an affair on you with a MM whose wife was pregnant. People like her just don't realize the lives they are damaging. That's horrible. You are so much better off without her. It makes me feel better to know I have the support of the people on LS. A lot of us have gone through the same things. This is so painful, but at least we aren't alone. There is a certain bit of comfort in that. Thank you so much again for replying.

[You Go Girl]

Well I'm 47 and if my tbx was seeing a 20 year old, it wouldn't bother me one bit. Actually, whomever he decided to see, it wouldn't bother me. I know he's going to move on.

The dynamics of our relationship were unique. There's no comparing myself to any other woman he chooses. For starters, I wouldn't do that to myself. I like myself too much, have too much respect for myself, and think myself a pretty good catch.

Whatever he may have with someone else, it won't be what he had with me.

It may even be better than what he had with me. But it won't be me, so why compare myself?

You didn't waste any years. I spent a few years deep in depression, they are pretty much wiped off the map of my life. But still I don't regret those years, because to do that would be to regret my own life, and how can we do that?

Life is going to throw you more muck before it's over. This isn't the end of it, this relationship that went sour. It will be either another relationship, or a job, or a family member, or a friend, or who knows what.

So go with the flow...don't worry about young thangs, don't think 47 is old (you sure won't in a few blinks of an eye).

You seem upset that some life plan went awry. Well, give up the map. Life is unchartered territory, and there's no planning it all out. Think adventure, surprises, unknown territory.

It's liberating.

[YellowShark]

Thank you for replying guys.

 

Just remember you're not alone. So many of us here are experiencing the same thing you are. The key is to set new rules, realize you are now free to find a better partner, and accept that you hold the keys to your own healing.

 

Yellowshark, I feel so bad for you. What a sick b*tch your ex was to have an affair on you with a MM whose wife was pregnant. People like her just don't realize the lives they are damaging. That's horrible. You are so much better off without her.

 

It truly was the sickest thing I have ever had to process. MM and his pregnant wife were close personal friends with my EX and I. He and his wife have been trying for 3 years to have a child with difficulty.

 

So not only did MM and my EX betray me and her step-son, (my son), they betrayed our social circle and his pregnant wife. I have never seen such selfish narcissistic behaviour from two people in my life. I wasn't even interested in fixing it, I left within 4 days to leave them to their incestuous affair. Been NC since.

 

Anyhow, thanks for the support ShannonMI, and you're 100% right, my EX was a seriously sick b*tch.

[miserab]

I can relate to the pain you're feeling, my ex whom I saved her life, fixed her emotional problem, support her family ended up betraying me. I endure such a lot of hardship to saved her, to made her happy. Now she's moving on with a new boyfriend only within three weeks. It hurts me really bad, we had such a great chemistry, we're getting along so well. How can she enjoy being with someone else in such a short time.

[ShannonMI]

I can relate to the pain you're feeling, my ex whom I saved her life, fixed her emotional problem, support her family ended up betraying me. I endure such a lot of hardship to saved her, to made her happy. Now she's moving on with a new boyfriend only within three weeks. It hurts me really bad, we had such a great chemistry, we're getting along so well. How can she enjoy being with someone else in such a short time.

I'm beginning to think my ex was involved with this girl a week before he actually told me anything was wrong. I've been thinking about it and I believe this is the case. It all came out of nowhere and it was a complete shock. A week before he told me he wanted to end things, he was going out a lot and some nights he didn't come home. I asked what was going on and he told me that he had been too drunk and slept at a friend's house. I believed him because I trusted him. I had no reason to think otherwise. Everything in our relationship was fine as far as I knew. I should have realized something was going on. I'm thinking he met this college girl during the week he was in party mode and decided he just didn't want to be with me. To think I am that disposable makes me so sick. I can't believe I gave 8 years to this person and trusted them and they s*it on me. After all I gave to him, this is what I get. I'm so upset.

[Tayla]

Sorry for the pain. It's a choice and a path you are taking for a reason. Same with the 8 years you willingly were a participant in. From my reading perspective, I will take it you are a lady as the emotions seem to protrude from your post. The self sacrificing martyr is so common after the break up. Been there, done that, doesn't work. Some day and I pray for you its soon, you will make peace with yourself for your share of the concerns. It takes two to make it and break it no matter who did the indiscretions.

 

So what if he has another. You have something better!!! You just dont know it yet. Step outside the mire you are creating and see the perspective from a strong and new formed person. Then be it. You are ebbing thru stages of grief and redefining yourself. Not easy to write nor easy to accomplish. Glad you are entrusting therepy. What you do today can aide in the tomorrows...be good to yourself...