He wants to "play it by ear"...

[fwang]

I don't get it. I've gotta say, the whole dating and relationship thing in USA is sooooooooooo complicated.

 

Yep, I am FOB, foreigner on board. Maybe I don't know the culture very well, but I do know human nature ！

 

If I like someone, I would love to meet him, talk to him, call him back immediately when I miss the call. And I don't want to date other. Also, I would not expect him to see someone else. That's my way to show affection. Wait 3 months to see if things will work out? That's totally BS.

 

Finally, I figure out that,whenever people say "I wanna take things slow" or "I am not ready for something serious", most of the time, it means that he/she is not that into you or he/she wanna use you to fill the time gap because they are lonely.

 

Why there are so much BS about dating and relationship? That's because we are lonely.

[TeacupMovinON]

ok maybe it's me but to me the sentence doesn't sound like he wants to date other women, to me the 'play it by ear' as worded above means he doesn't want to be rushed into anything, non? that's not the same as not being into you

 

He made it very clear that he was interested in me, just not interested enough to make it exclusive. Being the girl of convenience (at least that is how it feels) and playing it by ear makes me uncomfortable. I WANT TO KNOW THAT THIS MAN IS ONLY INTERESTED IN DATING ME. He was not willing to offer that security.

 

If he is truly interested, he will call and let me know, without hesitation. Agree?

[a_woman]

He made it very clear that he was interested in me, just not interested enough to make it exclusive. Being the girl of convenience (at least that is how it feels) and playing it by ear makes me uncomfortable. I WANT TO KNOW THAT THIS MAN IS ONLY INTERESTED IN DATING ME. He was not willing to offer that security.

 

If he is truly interested, he will call and let me know, without hesitation. Agree?

 

I don't know. as I said in my very first post on this thread (on the 1st page), it depends on what an individual's time scale is. if you don't want to invest anymore time then don't.

 

the fact that you have typed in capital letters indicates anxiety, he probably picked up on that too

[Star Gazer]

He made it very clear that he was interested in me, just not interested enough to make it exclusive. Being the girl of convenience (at least that is how it feels) and playing it by ear makes me uncomfortable. I WANT TO KNOW THAT THIS MAN IS ONLY INTERESTED IN DATING ME. He was not willing to offer that security.

 

If he is truly interested, he will call and let me know, without hesitation. Agree?

 

Agree. I think you're doing the right thing here.

[dispatch3d]

I personally would or have used that line during my dating years and what it meant to ME was that I was still looking or I wasn't so into the girl that it would make me stop looking.

 

I will say though that I believe in only having sex with one person at a time and feel that once sex has happened that at the very least I won't date anybody else and will also hope that the person I had sex with was the same..

I think once sex happens then so should the exclusivity talk..

 

Of course this only my opinion and only based on my past dating experiences.. so take it with a grain of salt it you'd like to..

 

You never had true friends with benefits then. If you believe sex=exclusive then obviously the only time you would have sex and NOT be exclusive is when you are having the sex just to have the sex (ie. you have no interest in a relationship).

 

However, if you didn't hold the belief that sex=exclusive relationship, then things are completely different.

 

I realize that I'm not saying things you want to hear so I'm just going to get ignored. Goodluck. I seriously have to figure out how to give girls advice that they take (the most logical is almost never the most positive).

 

edit: fwiw I think the guy just had to say something like "I can see us going long term in the near future, just that I'm not ready for that yet" and he probably would have been fine.

[TeacupMovinON]

You never had true friends with benefits then. If you believe sex=exclusive then obviously the only time you would have sex and NOT be exclusive is when you are having the sex just to have the sex (ie. you have no interest in a relationship).

 

However, if you didn't hold the belief that sex=exclusive relationship, then things are completely different.

 

I realize that I'm not saying things you want to hear so I'm just going to get ignored. Goodluck. I seriously have to figure out how to give girls advice that they take (the most logical is almost never the most positive).

 

edit: fwiw I think the guy just had to say something like "I can see us going long term in the near future, just that I'm not ready for that yet" and he probably would have been fine.

 

I am not ignoring you, but If Im honest, I just dont quite get what you are saying. Where are you going the the FWB thing? What point are you trying to make by saying "fwiw I think the guy just had to say something like "I can see us going long term in the near future, just that I'm not ready for that yet" and he probably would have been fine"?

 

I appreciate your opinion. I am just not sure what it is!

[TeacupMovinON]

Thank you for the posts/opinions...

 

I have another question that I would like your thoughts on:

 

Should I feel embarrassed because I wanted wanted to be exclusive? Should I feel silly because I verbalized it to him and he was not on the same page?

[Art_Critic]

Should I feel embarrassed because I wanted wanted to be exclusive? Should I feel silly because I verbalized it to him and he was not on the same page?

 

No you shouldn't..

Being on the same page is a pretty important thing in a relationship and a relationship is exactly what you both are in right now.. you are just trying to define that relationship.

 

TCMO... pulling back at this point might give you a gauge on his interest...

[K'aycie]

Thank you for the posts/opinions...

 

I have another question that I would like your thoughts on:

 

Should I feel embarrassed because I wanted wanted to be exclusive? Should I feel silly because I verbalized it to him and he was not on the same page?

 

No, I don't think anyone should feel embarassed, for expressing their wants/needs. It may make you feel more vulnerable, if anything.

[Philetus]

I have been seeing this new fellow for a month now. We seemed to hit it off intstantly and have great chemistry. We have been traveling together, intimate, and see each other 2 to 3 times per week, talking daily.

 

Since we had never had a conversation about being exclusive, I decided to mention it. I asked if he was seeing anyone else, and he responded with "no, I am not. But I like to take things slow and play it by ear."

 

I understand that rushing things is foolish but it seems to me as though we are already walking through the motions as a couple, and that he is just wanting to keep his options open.

 

I even clarified by saying that I did not want anything more than what we already have, but I would like to know that he was interested enough to be exclusive.

 

While I am not wanting to rush things, I do not want to be his girl of convenience while he is waiting for someone better to come along. I have not called him since... Its been two days. Did I make the right move?? I really liked him.

 

There is nothing foolish in what you did. You made the right move for you and that's all that matters.

 

His silence could indicate several things. He thinking he's lost you because of his answer and is waiting for you to contact him, he's trying to decide if he wants to be exclusive, he's trying to decide between you and the other girl(s) he's been seeing. You really don't know.

 

If I were you, I'd contact him and say exactly what you said here. You like him, you're not looking for more, but you're not comfortable being his 'right now' girl, nor with a relationship if he's going to be sleeping with other people.

 

If he says he doesn't want to be exclusive, you have a decision to make. Can you live with that? If not, you should move on.

 

All the best.

[Philetus]

Thank you for the posts/opinions...

 

I have another question that I would like your thoughts on:

 

Should I feel embarrassed because I wanted wanted to be exclusive? Should I feel silly because I verbalized it to him and he was not on the same page?

 

Absolutely not. You have to be true to yourself and honest about what you want. Otherwise, you're going to be unhappy.

 

Yes, being more rigid will likely reduce the number of relationships open to you but why be in a relationship if you're unhappy with how it's going? That's called treating yourself like a doormat, don't let people walk on you.

 

Embrace what you want and communicate it to people. Just know that overtime what you find unacceptable today, may become acceptable later.

[dispatch3d]

There is nothing foolish in what you did. You made the right move for you and that's all that matters.

 

His silence could indicate several things. He thinking he's lost you because of his answer and is waiting for you to contact him, he's trying to decide if he wants to be exclusive, he's trying to decide between you and the other girl(s) he's been seeing. You really don't know.

 

If I were you, I'd contact him and say exactly what you said here. You like him, you're not looking for more, but you're not comfortable being his 'right now' girl, nor with a relationship if he's going to be sleeping with other people.

 

If he says he doesn't want to be exclusive, you have a decision to make. Can you live with that? If not, you should move on.

 

All the best.

 

His silence is probably an indication that he had no idea op was expecting him to call her in the next two days and offer an exclusive relationship.

 

If you asked him "Why have you not called op in the last two days?" he would probably reply "Huh?".

 

Which was MY POINT EARLIER! Lol.

 

To the other guy,

 

My point was everyone doesn't have the belief that sex=exclusive relationship. There are people who believe sex is sex. There are other people who believe in having multiple relationships at once. You can't project your beliefs onto this guy, having no idea whether he views sex as an exclusive relationship (in which case he would have said uhhhh we are already a couple?).

 

You said since he hasn't offered a relationship that means he doesn't want one. The assumption is that all guys who have friends with benefits are not looking to turn this into a relationship. This isn't true. Some guys are having fwb to try out a relationship before one starts (ie. they are taking things slow!).

[Girlygirl1977]

I'm sorry to hear about this situation.

 

One thing I am curious is before the sex, did you guys discuss tests etc. Sometimes ppl only do this if they plan to us no protection, but it can also be a time to figure things out as far as if they are sleeping with others or not. So I was just curious, did he ever broach the topic of tests etc. and bring up unprotected sex?

 

Whatever the case, i realize it is a difficult situation for you now. I think you should wait it out. He could come to a view on things. Given you spoke every day, it seems he knows something is up and he knows about your discussion. I'm with stargazer etc. on this as far as where you stand.

[hopesndreams]

I understand that rushing things is foolish but it seems to me as though we are already walking through the motions as a couple, and that he is just wanting to keep his options open.

 

That sux. You deserve better. Tell him to take a hike.

[Art_Critic]

My point was everyone doesn't have the belief that sex=exclusive relationship. There are people who believe sex is sex. There are other people who believe in having multiple relationships at once.

 

Of course.. but I would never have sex with such a woman .. those conversations have always happened before I ever decide to have sex with someone... at least to the point that I knew I wasn't dating a girl that was going to have sex with more guys than me that is..

 

I never said that I haven't multi-dated before.. when I was younger sure.. but sex was never involved.

The older I got I learned to fine tune my people picker and just picked women to date that fit me better than when I was younger and just dating to figure out what I wanted.

[Philetus]

His silence is probably an indication that he had no idea op was expecting him to call her in the next two days and offer an exclusive relationship.

 

That's one possible explanation, maybe even the most probable. But, we don't know. We can't project what this guy is thinking and I think we do a disservice to the OP if we make those kinds of assumptions.

 

The bottom line is she cannot control anything but her own reactions to events. Right now, she doesn't have enough answers with which to base the best decision FOR HER. She needs to find out why he's gone silent, find out what he wants, and then make a decision to continue the relationship or not.

 

Amass all the available information and make a decision that works for her, not anyone else. One that doesn't compromise what she is willing to accept.

 

 

 

 

My point was everyone doesn't have the belief that sex=exclusive relationship. There are people who believe sex is sex. There are other people who believe in having multiple relationships at once. You can't project your beliefs onto this guy, having no idea whether he views sex as an exclusive relationship (in which case he would have said uhhhh we are already a couple?).

 

I know that wasn't directed at me, but... You're absolutely correct, she cannot project her beliefs on this guy. But, she can seek information or commitment so she can make an informed decision about what she's going to do. That's what I'm saying.

[Cee]

I was in a similar situation as the OP. I broached the subject of exclusivity with a guy saying that I was going to take my online profile down. I told him I didn't expect him to take his profile down, but I can't concentrate on more than one person. He said that he would continue to date other people.

 

That discussion was important b/c I saw his true colors. Only a few hours after our discussion, he broke up with me with the lame excuse that there was another person. Obviously, it was a lie. How can someone claim he's in love with someone else when a few hours earlier he had been intimate with me.

 

I got taken by a major player. I think he dumped me b/c I was catching feelings and he didn't like that at all. And then he couldn't fess up to the truth and used the "there's another person" excuse.

 

I'm not saying the OP's guy is as bad as my guy, but my Spidey sense says this guy isn't worth it.

[dispatch3d]

That's one possible explanation, maybe even the most probable. But, we don't know. We can't project what this guy is thinking and I think we do a disservice to the OP if we make those kinds of assumptions.

 

The bottom line is she cannot control anything but her own reactions to events. Right now, she doesn't have enough answers with which to base the best decision FOR HER. She needs to find out why he's gone silent, find out what he wants, and then make a decision to continue the relationship or not.

 

Amass all the available information and make a decision that works for her, not anyone else. One that doesn't compromise what she is willing to accept.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know that wasn't directed at me, but... You're absolutely correct, she cannot project her beliefs on this guy. But, she can seek information or commitment so she can make an informed decision about what she's going to do. That's what I'm saying.

 

the facts given so far (and I have not heard any others) are:

 

1. He said he likes where things are going but wants to "play it by ear"

2. Opening post wants a long term relationship.

3. Opening post did not directly communicate 2.

4. Opening post went silent for 2 days.

 

The most reasonable cause of these 4 events is that he has NO CLUE she is demanding (2). Or even looking necessarily for 2. She sort of hinted she wanted (2) but didn't even directly state it. Or act as-if it was going to happen (which would tell her if he was looking to develop things in this direction).

 

Art_critic:

 

I was actually referencing how the GUY views a fwb situation. Not the girl. The dating paradigm this guy is operating in is outside of your own. This is shown in the thinking of sex=exclusive relationship. For now, pretend his sex=your making out. Then solve things from there.

 

Basically to him, sex="some physically sexual thing that is necessarily less than sex for you in an emotional investment standpoint"

 

Everyone is different. I likely view sex as more important than the guy she is with does, but there are likely other guys who view it as less important. I have no idea where his scale is (if that even matters).

[TeacupMovinON]

I received the long awaited text from him today, lol. He basically indicated that he could not believe that I had not contacted him and that he "wished I would have let him know" which, I presume, means that he still expected me to be in contact with him even though we wanted different things. He went on to say that he is not mad and that he hopes we can still be friends.

 

I responded with all that I knew to say, which was: I didn't contact you because I did not know what to say and that I was not upset with him either.

 

He has not responded since. I feel as though we should talk, but he does not have cell service at his home. And also, he has not responded to my last text.

 

At this point, I will wait to see how he responds.

[dispatch3d]

I received the long awaited text from him today, lol. He basically indicated that he could not believe that I had not contacted him and that he "wished I would have let him know" which, I presume, means that he still expected me to be in contact with him even though we wanted different things. He went on to say that he is not mad and that he hopes we can still be friends.

 

I responded with all that I knew to say, which was: I didn't contact you because I did not know what to say and that I was not upset with him either.

 

He has not responded since. I feel as though we should talk, but he does not have cell service at his home. And also, he has not responded to my last text.

 

At this point, I will wait to see how he responds.

 

"could not believe I had not contacted him in two days"

 

I told you so? You didn't tell him what you wanted from him relationship wise. You just asked where this is going, chose to not like his answer, then stopped contact for no reason.

 

"wished I would have let him know"

 

See, to me this means that he wishes you let him know about your needs in the relationship and that they weren't being met. This makes sense because he was surprised you didn't contact him.

 

If you had told him:

 

"I need better than that. Contact me when you want something more."

 

Would he have said either of these two things?

 

..................

[jenifer1972]

I don't think there was anything wrong asking him. You have spent a lot of time together and have been intimate.

 

You might want to make it very clear ahead of time in a relationship in the future, that you are not interested in getting sexually intimate with someone who doesn't appreciate you enough to be exclusive with you. That is self respect. That you're not going to stand in a dance line, and say, 'pick me, oh pick me'. Forget that crap!

[TeacupMovinON]

"could not believe I had not contacted him in two days"

 

I told you so? You didn't tell him what you wanted from him relationship wise. You just asked where this is going, chose to not like his answer, then stopped contact for no reason.

 

"wished I would have let him know"

 

See, to me this means that he wishes you let him know about your needs in the relationship and that they weren't being met. This makes sense because he was surprised you didn't contact him.

 

If you had told him:

 

"I need better than that. Contact me when you want something more."

 

Would he have said either of these two things?

 

..................

Dispatch3d, I actually did tell him that I was needing/wanting more when we originally had this conversation. When he said he wanted to play it by ear, I told him that i was not comfortable with that because I wanted to know that he was dating only me.

 

The only thing I did not tell him was that I would not date him while he took this stance. I believe that is what confused him. He fully inteded on me contacting him the next day to "hang out".

 

UPDATE:

 

Things went very strange last night. I texted him, no response. Then he posted something ambigous on FB, like "I will stand alone before not standing up in what I believe in". At this point, I was feeling that he was pointing the finger at me or something.

 

Anyway, sent him a message explaining my stance on exclusivity and not having any hard feelings with one another. Asking him if he was upset with me...

 

Long story short, he sent a couple vauge texts, and nothing more. I really tried to open the door for him, in case you were right, Dispatch3d. But in the end, I have to say that he is not truly interested enough!

 

Thoughts?

[dispatch3d]

Unless he makes some kind of commitment in to being exclusive, stop talking to him. The most important thing is you don't budge on what you want or give in.

[Lucky555]

I was astonished after i read your post. Did he really say that! What a JERK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would have dumped him on the spot.

 

Being in a relationship is what you already have and the fact he can't say that he doesn't want to date other people by saying he is committed to you is DISGUSTING.

 

Seriously, leave now or you will be majorly hurt. yes it will hurt but at least you wont have to deal with this jerk anymore. I can't believe this guy.

 

Remember "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" ugh

[TeacupMovinON]

Who knew this would be so tuff!? It really should not be a big deal to say "see ya" and be done! I do not initiate contact, but he has been sending me texts. I guess, in the back of my mind, I am really hoping that he will say " I miss you so much, you are the only girl for me" and then show up with flowers...

 

Keep dreamin', I know!