TeacupMovinON Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I have been seeing this new fellow for a month now. We seemed to hit it off intstantly and have great chemistry. We have been traveling together, intimate, and see each other 2 to 3 times per week, talking daily. Since we had never had a conversation about being exclusive, I decided to mention it. I asked if he was seeing anyone else, and he responded with "no, I am not. But I like to take things slow and play it by ear." I understand that rushing things is foolish but it seems to me as though we are already walking through the motions as a couple, and that he is just wanting to keep his options open. I even clarified by saying that I did not want anything more than what we already have, but I would like to know that he was interested enough to be exclusive. While I am not wanting to rush things, I do not want to be his girl of convenience while he is waiting for someone better to come along. I have not called him since... Its been two days. Did I make the right move?? I really liked him.
northstar1 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 You need to talk to him asap or it will consume you. After a month, intimacy, regular dates, you should know where you stand.
Author TeacupMovinON Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 Well, after the talk that we already had, I am not sure that there is anything left to say. He made it very clear that while he is interested in me and enjoys seeing me, that the rest is left to chance, I guess. I let him know that, I was a bit confusued and required a little more security than that, at this point. We have not talked since.
dispatch3d Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Well, after the talk that we already had, I am not sure that there is anything left to say. He made it very clear that while he is interested in me and enjoys seeing me, that the rest is left to chance, I guess. I let him know that, I was a bit confusued and required a little more security than that, at this point. We have not talked since. Do you really believe this is the best way to start a relationship? I want one and if I can't have one then I quit! I think a much better approach would be to start doing more relationship-type stuff and see if you are compatible for that kind of thing. I think you are trying to rush things just so you get more of what you want out of this relationship.
Star Gazer Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Well, after the talk that we already had, I am not sure that there is anything left to say. He made it very clear that while he is interested in me and enjoys seeing me, that the rest is left to chance, I guess. I let him know that, I was a bit confusued and required a little more security than that, at this point. We have not talked since. I don't think there's anything left to say either. You need exclusivity and asked to be exclusive. He essentially said no. Of course, he sounds smooth... So he'd argue it wasn't a "no," just that he needs more time. But after a month, intimacy, and 8-12 dates, he should know whether he's still interested in being able to date other women.
Star Gazer Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Do you really believe this is the best way to start a relationship? I want one and if I can't have one then I quit! . Yes, actually, it is. The best way to enter ANY relationship is to be HONEST about what you're looking for, and either internally acknowledge or express your needs, and if they aren't met, move on. Life is too short to remain in "relationships" where the other person has told you outright that they can't or won't give you what you want/need.
northstar1 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Yes, actually, it is. The best way to enter ANY relationship is to be HONEST about what you're looking for, and either internally acknowledge or express your needs, and if they aren't met, move on. Life is too short to remain in "relationships" where the other person has told you outright that they can't or won't give you what you want/need. Agreed 100%. I have seen too many friends who end miserable in a relationship because they are doing all the compromising despite the fact it was clear from the beginning that the other person wasn't making them a priority. One good friend of my suffered for a year dating a woman who wouldn't even admit to her friends they were 'a couple' for 6 months and then would only tell my friend she loved him when she was drunk. People often get more worried about being alone and losing a love interest than their own self respect and needs.
K'aycie Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Do you really believe this is the best way to start a relationship? I want one and if I can't have one then I quit! I think a much better approach would be to start doing more relationship-type stuff and see if you are compatible for that kind of thing. I think you are trying to rush things just so you get more of what you want out of this relationship. I don't think that is what the OP is saying... She wants to be honest with him, in that she likes him enough that she doesn't want to date other people, especially since they've been physically intimate. If he wants to continue dating other women, he is free to do that, but he needs to be honest with her about it. In this case, he TOLD her he was not dating other people, and they have good contact, spend time together, etc., after only a month, so it seems things are progressing fine otherwise. I think the OP, became insecure, when he said "no I am not dating others, but I want to play things by ear with us", which could be construed to her as "no I am not dating others, at least for right now...".
dispatch3d Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Yes, actually, it is. The best way to enter ANY relationship is to be HONEST about what you're looking for, and either internally acknowledge or express your needs, and if they aren't met, move on. Life is too short to remain in "relationships" where the other person has told you outright that they can't or won't give you what you want/need. These two statements aren't in disagreement. We are actually just disagreeing on the semantics. I think she should start to act as-if this is a relationship, and try to spend more time with him/do the things she isn't getting right now. If he plays along, viola you know you are almost in a relationship. If he doesn't, then he isn't interesting in moving things forward and you have to decide if you can still do fwb or if you should cut it off. It's like the difference between asking to kiss a girl and actually just going for a kiss with a girl.
Author TeacupMovinON Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 Dispatch3d- I understand what you are saying, but it wasnt quite like that. I did not just say "give me what I want or I quit". I, the one who was interested in exclusivity, was basically turned down. Why should I be calling him? Actually, I expected a call from him and did not receive one. Thank you, Star Gazer and Northstar1. You understand how I am feeling, and have made me feel okay about my stance.
dispatch3d Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 k'aycie has the right idea imo. She didn't actually STATE relationship or nothing, my way or the highway. She just asked what their status was, and when she didn't hear what she wanted to hear, broke off contact for no reason. Part of the problem is she can't/doesn't lead the relationship stuff. However, she can influence his decisions and if he doesn't go along with things then break contact and state (or not depending on how she feels about it) "I want more than you are willing to offer".....
dispatch3d Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Dispatch3d- I understand what you are saying, but it wasnt quite like that. I did not just say "give me what I want or I quit". I, the one who was interested in exclusivity, was basically turned down. Why should I be calling him? Actually, I expected a call from him and did not receive one. Thank you, Star Gazer and Northstar1. You understand how I am feeling, and have made me feel okay about my stance. Think of it this way. Is it VERY obvious he SHOULD have called you? Like did you say, "Call me when you want a relationship?". Probably not. You are saying you EXPECTED him to call you. Is this a reasonable expectation given you clearly outlined what you were looking for at this moment and he wasn't fitting into that mold? I don't know the entire conversation, you are just telling me a piece of it. That's why I am hesitant to say you did this or that. However, reading into the general tone/knowing how girls tend to act, I would bet you did what I said above. Just because their answers make you feel better has nothing to do with whether they are the right or wrong answers . I'm not even saying don't break it off with him. I'm just saying at the very minimum you need to make what you want clear. The easiest/most subtle way is the way I described (go through actions, then you can read those as his intentions, and you won't have to deal with him telling you what he thinks you want to hear).
benmac360 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 A month is not a very long time at all - if I were you I would have given it another month or 2 before I talked about being exclusive. From what you posted it seems like it was naturally headed in that direction. If you are looking for a relationship that's fine, but remember (using an old sports analogy here ) that they are marathons and not sprints. Especially these days - attention spans seem to have shortened so you may want to give your relationships a little more time to develop (within reason and your own comfort level of course).
a_woman Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 well people have different time scales. if you OP feel that you don't want to invest in something that's so uncertain anymore then it just means your boundaries are different. it's important that you give it enough time to make sure you don't second guess later but as long as you feel you have invested enough then perhaps it's time to make that stance
Art_Critic Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I personally would or have used that line during my dating years and what it meant to ME was that I was still looking or I wasn't so into the girl that it would make me stop looking. I will say though that I believe in only having sex with one person at a time and feel that once sex has happened that at the very least I won't date anybody else and will also hope that the person I had sex with was the same.. I think once sex happens then so should the exclusivity talk.. Of course this only my opinion and only based on my past dating experiences.. so take it with a grain of salt it you'd like to..
Knittress Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Heh. "He's just not that into you." Sorry OP. I would've felt and done the same if I were in your position.
Star Gazer Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I personally would or have used that line during my dating years and what it meant to ME was that I was still looking or I wasn't so into the girl that it would make me stop looking. Exactly right. "No, I'm not dating anyone else but I want to play it by ear" SCREAMS "I want to keep my options open."
lilxcutie53 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I actually disagree...from previous experience of doing the same thing..it actually back fires....you need to let the man pursue. If he wants a relationship he wont be afraid to commit or mention it. just wait it out and see if he continues to pursue without u having to mention anything more about it. TRUST ME...I did the same ting with someone and he actually said he didnt want a relationship...so then I just acted as if I didnt care and did my own thing and let him pursue me again..and were now dating.
northstar1 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I actually disagree...from previous experience of doing the same thing..it actually back fires....you need to let the man pursue. If he wants a relationship he wont be afraid to commit or mention it. just wait it out and see if he continues to pursue without u having to mention anything more about it. TRUST ME...I did the same ting with someone and he actually said he didnt want a relationship...so then I just acted as if I didnt care and did my own thing and let him pursue me again..and were now dating. I guess I just don't have the patience to play these games. If I had been dating a woman multiple times a week, been away with her, and we were having sex, and after a month she fed me that line, I would want a definite status to be confirmed, or I'd walk. If a woman isn't happy enough to date only me after that much time together, then I'm not going to waste our time.
a_woman Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Since we had never had a conversation about being exclusive, I decided to mention it. I asked if he was seeing anyone else, and he responded with "no, I am not. But I like to take things slow and play it by ear." ok maybe it's me but to me the sentence doesn't sound like he wants to date other women, to me the 'play it by ear' as worded above means he doesn't want to be rushed into anything, non? that's not the same as not being into you
Star Gazer Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I guess I just don't have the patience to play these games. If I had been dating a woman multiple times a week, been away with her, and we were having sex, and after a month she fed me that line, I would want a definite status to be confirmed, or I'd walk. If a woman isn't happy enough to date only me after that much time together, then I'm not going to waste our time. I agree 1000000%.
northstar1 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 ok maybe it's me but to me the sentence doesn't sound like he wants to date other women, to me the 'play it by ear' as worded above means he doesn't want to be rushed into anything, non? that's not the same as not being into you But he's sending mixed messages. Taking it slow is not talking daily, dates 2-3 times a week, sex, and travelling together, at least not in my books.
Star Gazer Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 ok maybe it's me but to me the sentence doesn't sound like he wants to date other women, to me the 'play it by ear' as worded above means he doesn't want to be rushed into anything, non? that's not the same as not being into you What's he rushing into, other than just being exclusive with her? Nothing. He just wants to make sure his options remain open.
a_woman Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 But he's sending mixed messages. Taking it slow is not talking daily, dates 2-3 times a week, sex, and travelling together, at least not in my books. that depends. I can do this with someone (done it in the past) who controlled his emotions and I didn't feel like he was already planning to move in with me. while someone else I dated I didn't see that often but he demanded that I rearranged my life for him so it depends on the person. some are easier going (ie you can do more stuff because they are not so emotionally demanding) than others besides, if you are older and lived with someone in the past, seeing someone 2-3 times a week is not exactly fast
a_woman Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 What's he rushing into, other than just being exclusive with her? Nothing. He just wants to make sure his options remain open. depends on what the OP is like as explained in my previous post. the same conversation with different people can mean very different outcome
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