Looking For Understanding

[Plastikk]

Recently found this site during my frantic searches online to make sense of my situation. I am glad there is a site like this to help people let it out but be totally anonymous.

 

Background:

Me: 30

Wife: 31

Daughter: 22 months

 

My wife and I are high school sweethearts we have been together for 13 years and married for 6 years. We have had a great relationship until 1 month ago. She calls me the “perfect husband” and I think that she is a great wife and mother.

 

Two months ago she started talking about a guy at work. I didn’t think much of it just thought she was making a new friend. Fast forward one month, I receive a very large phone bill due to a large number of texts mostly during the day but there were quite a few early in the morning. I notice it’s a number that I don’t know. I ask her about it and she said that it was her just talking to her friend. I joking ask if she is cheating on me and she instantly goes into defensive mode. She says that I violated her privacy by checking the phone bill. This sends all sorts of red flags up in my mind. I give her the benefit of the doubt and continue on my marry way.

 

Fast forward 3 weeks ago, I all of a sudden wake up from a deep sleep and notice the notification light is on her phone so I grab it while she is still asleep. It’s a message from this guy stating that he wishes that he were holding her right now. I was angry, sick to my stomach and a whole flood of other feelings. I got up and watched TV until she woke up the next day. I questioned her about it and she once again stated that I violated her privacy and that I wasn’t stupid we both knew what was going on. I asked her if they had been physical and she stated that it was not. I send the guy an email letting him know how I felt. His wife ended up receiving the letter first instead of him. I was happy about this on the inside because I hated the fact that she didn’t know. It was almost like I was a part of their lie because I knew and she didn’t.

 

Two days later she asks me for a divorce (I find out later the other guy asked his wife for a divorce the same night). The next day I get a call at work that asks whether or not she could change her mind. I asked change her mind about what and she says what if it was a mistake and she wants to see if I was open to staying together. I thought about it all day and decided that I wanted to stay together. I tell her that she needs to make a decision to either be with me or with him. She states that she needs some time to think about it and can’t make a decision over night. She wanted to stay in a hotel for a night with no contact with anyone to make her decision so that it couldn’t be swayed by one individual.

 

Two weeks ago she spent a night in a hotel thinking about it. She came home and told me that she wanted to work things out with me. She said that things were going to be difficult because she doesn’t feel “in love” with me anymore but she says she still loves me. She states that she is “in love” with this other guy (who happens to be married as well). Fast forward to last weekend. I think we need a date to try and “rekindle our flame”. I take her to a movie that she wanted to see and her favorite place to eat and then to a bar of her choice.

 

We had a great time most of the night until they played a slow sad song (forgot the name). She started to cry sitting at the bar. It’s not our song and had no meaning to me so I assumed that she was crying for the other guy. I asked her about it and I was correct. She said it was the alcohol talking but, I think alcohol also allows you to show your true feelings. It was difficult but, I tried to have a good night for the rest of the night. We closed the place down and went home. I spoke with her about it the next day and she told me it wasn’t something that she could just switch off. She fell in love with this other guy.

 

I have continued to ask during this whole process whether or not I have done anything wrong or what haven’t I been doing that this guy is and she continues to call me the “perfect husband”, that she doesn’t deserve me.

 

I guess I am looking for a few answers that maybe someone with past experience here can help with. Am I fooling myself, is it possible for someone to fall back “in love” with a person after this kind of thing? I do want to be with her but; I can’t wait forever for her to get over this guy. I expected to see faster results with her feeling remorse about doing this and haven’t seen them yet. The other guy is going on a cruise with his wife this week so he is out of the picture for at least one week.

 

At this point I feel that I am putting in 110% into our marriage and she is only putting in like 40%. She states that she can’t be close to be because she is still hurting. After reading the forum for the past few weeks I think I can kind of understand that she would be hurting but, since the choice has been made shouldn’t that make her want to spend every moment trying to make it up to me? I still want to be with her at this point but, I am quickly reaching my breaking point. I have set a date in the future that is my **** or get off the pot date. If things haven't dramatically improved by then I will make the choice for her.

 

Thoughts?

Edited August 30, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Spark1111]

She needs to go 100 percent NC (NO CONTACT) with the OM, and if that means leaving the job today, that is what it means.

 

As long as there is continued contact between the two of them, this is a real issue.

 

She needs to be 100% transparent, showing you her cell phone and emails to mprove there is no more contact.

 

You and she need to head to Marriage Counseling to work on your marriage.

 

I know how painful this can be. I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

Telling his spouse was absolutely in the best interest of your marriage. Affairs thrive in secrecy.

 

Good luck to you.

[bestplayer]

Recently found this site during my frantic searches online to make sense of my situation. I am glad there is a site like this to help people let it out but be totally anonymous.

 

Background:

Me: 30

Wife: 31

Daughter: 22 months

 

My wife and I are high school sweethearts we have been together for 13 years and married for 6 years. We have had a great relationship until 1 month ago. She calls me the “perfect husband” and I think that she is a great wife and mother.

 

Two months ago she started talking about a guy at work. I didn’t think much of it just thought she was making a new friend. Fast forward one month, I receive a very large phone bill due to a large number of texts mostly during the day but there were quite a few early in the morning. I notice it’s a number that I don’t know. I ask her about it and she said that it was her just talking to her friend. I joking ask if she is cheating on me and she instantly goes into defensive mode. She says that I violated her privacy by checking the phone bill. This sends all sorts of red flags up in my mind. I give her the benefit of the doubt and continue on my marry way. Fast forward 3 weeks ago, I all of a sudden wake up from a deep sleep and notice the notification light is on her phone so I grab it while she is still asleep. It’s a message from this guy stating that he wishes that he were holding her right now. I was angry, sick to my stomach and a whole flood of other feelings. I got up and watched TV until she woke up the next day. I questioned her about it and she once again stated that I violated her privacy and that I wasn’t stupid we both knew what was going on. I asked her if they had been physical and she stated that it was not. I send the guy an email letting him know how I felt. His wife ended up receiving the letter first instead of him. I was happy about this on the inside because I hated the fact that she didn’t know. It was almost like I was a part of their lie because I knew and she didn’t. Two days later she asks me for a divorce (I find out later the other guy asked his wife for a divorce the same night). The next day I get a call at work that asks whether or not she could change her mind. I asked change her mind about what and she says what if it was a mistake and she wants to see if I was open to staying together. I thought about it all day and decided that I wanted to stay together. I tell her that she needs to make a decision to either be with me or with him. She states that she needs some time to think about it and can’t make a decision over night. She wanted to stay in a hotel for a night with no contact with anyone to make her decision so that it couldn’t be swayed by one individual. Two weeks ago she spent a night in a hotel thinking about it. She came home and told me that she wanted to work things out with me. She said that things were going to be difficult because she doesn’t feel “in love” with me anymore but she says she still loves me. She states that she is “in love” with this other guy (who happens to be married as well). Fast forward to last weekend. I think we need a date to try and “rekindle our flame”. I take her to a movie that she wanted to see and her favorite place to eat and then to a bar of her choice. We had a great time most of the night until they played a slow sad song (forgot the name). She started to cry sitting at the bar. It’s not our song and had no meaning to me so I assumed that she was crying for the other guy. I asked her about it and I was correct. She said it was the alcohol talking but, I think alcohol also allows you to show your true feelings. It was difficult but, I tried to have a good night for the rest of the night. We closed the place down and went home. I spoke with her about it the next day and she told me it wasn’t something that she could just switch off. She fell in love with this other guy. I have continued to ask during this whole process whether or not I have done anything wrong or what haven’t I been doing that this guy is and she continues to call me the “perfect husband”, that she doesn’t deserve me.

 

I guess I am looking for a few answers that maybe someone with past experience here can help with. Am I fooling myself, is it possible for someone to fall back “in love” with a person after this kind of thing? I do want to be with her but; I can’t wait forever for her to get over this guy. I expected to see faster results with her feeling remorse about doing this and haven’t seen them yet. The other guy is going on a cruise with his wife this week so he is out of the picture for at least one week. At this point I feel that I am putting in 110% into our marriage and she is only putting in like 40%. She states that she can’t be close to be because she is still hurting. After reading the forum for the past few weeks I think I can kind of understand that she would be hurting but, since the choice has been made shouldn’t that make her want to spend every moment trying to make it up to me? I still want to be with her at this point but, I am quickly reaching my breaking point. I have set a date in the future that is my **** or get off the pot date. If things haven't dramatically improved by then I will make the choice for her.

 

Thoughts?

 

My friend you are handling it peerfectly well . I think you should share your concerns with your wife too for e.g what you expect her to do in order to improve your M . I just hope that your wife really wanted to be with you & didn't come back to you just because OM rejected her & you were a backup plan .

 

best of luck

[Plastikk]

She needs to go 100 percent NC (NO CONTACT) with the OM, and if that means leaving the job today, that is what it means.

As long as there is continued contact between the two of them, this is a real issue.

She needs to be 100% transparent, showing you her cell phone and emails to mprove there is no more contact.

 

Spark,

 

I have thought this over and over in my head that she needs to leave her job. I have come to the conclusion that leaving her job is not the answer. I think this will just put added strain on our relationship and if we end up splitting up after all she will blame me for not having a job. I am by far the bread winner and if she chooses to go with the OM then I wish her happiness in that. I just can't force another person to quit their job. She hasn't had any contact with him through phone\txt messaging or email. I do have access to all of her accounts. I have only checked 2 times though. I need to be able to trust her or there isn't a relationship anyway. I know that she broke that trust by doing this but, if we can't have trust afterwards theres no point in even continuing on.

[Plastikk]

My friend you are handling it peerfectly well . I think you should share your concerns with your wife too for e.g what you expect her to do in order to improve your M . I just hope that your wife really wanted to be with you & didn't come back to you just because OM rejected her & you were a backup plan .

 

best of luck

 

Bestplayer,

 

I have let her know exactly what I expected to happen. I sent a list of items that I expected of her when she spent the night in the hotel. She had to agree to them for us to stay together. This included no contact with the OM.

 

I just hope that your wife really wanted to be with you & didn't come back to you just because OM rejected her & you were a backup plan .

 

This is the thing that worries me the most. I can tell you that the OM was planning on leaving his wife but, I know his pastor got involved and I don't know much after that (He is deeply involved in his church. Which I find very ironic). I would think that if that was the case she would have gotten over him much faster and started showing more emotion towards me. I may be incorrect in thinking that.

[Bryanp]

You need to be able to trust her? You have got to be kidding. She has been cheating on you. By the way you realize of course that it was physical. Nobody would move for divorce if they have not slept with the other person. You both need to be checked for STD's. The chances are pretty good that her nights at the hotel was a way to be alone with the OM.

 

I am wondering if the roles had been reversed if she would have be so accepting as you have been? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. It sounds like that you have become the door prize. My guess is that he dumped her which is why she wanted to come back to you. You immediately said yes so she did not even have to make any effort to fight for you back. Nobody respects a doormat. I think you have been way too easy. You have a wife who had no problem cheating behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's and was quite content about immediately divorcing you. I think you need to take a real hard look at what you now actually have. I wish you luck.

[karnak]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sure is an horrible situation and I hope it all ends well.

 

Let me say that you sure are a guy with balls and that you seem to be conducting the entire situation in a good way. I think you're taking the right steps.

 

As for your wife's behaviour you should wait for the ladies here to give their oppinions. They, better than anyone, can shed some light on what's going on in her mind.

 

But there are some things you must take into consideration:

 

1 - is your wife really interested in saving the marriage or are you just some sort of "backup plan"?

 

2 - is your wife really honest about the entire situation and what has happened between her and the other man? Beware... if she has been lying to you (eg. if she had sex with other man) she's not trustworthy and is not respecting you.

 

The way I see it, if she's been 100% honest with you, then she's got real respect for you, and your marriage and friendship may be saved (and she's worthy of respect as well).

 

If she hasn't been honest...

 

Strength to you, man. These people at LoveShack are here to help you.

[RobD70]

I’ve been through this and really I don’t know if anything short of a trial separation is going to help. She’s not going to fall in love with you again until she gets the other guy out of her head and experiences life without you. I was also the perfect husband but that didn’t stop my W from running off.

 

You basically have to let her go and let her see if the feelings return for you. You also need to do some self reflecting and ask yourself if you really want to be with her. I know leaving will probably be just too much for you to handle (I don’t anyone could really pull it off in this situation) but you need to at least pull back from her and let her feel you slipping away.

 

In the end, she may just up and leave you just because she is not happy. I don’t know if I ever seen anyone fall back in love while being around each other 24/7. In my case, the W and I were NC for a good 3 or 4 months before she was begging me back. The first time we tried to make it work for 6 months (I gave the 110%, she gave the 40% like in your case) and she ran off with the OM again. Honestly at the time I was getting so resentful of her not putting in an effort I was thinking of dumping her anyway.

 

She’s not going to work on the relationship until she is motivated to and her losing you is probably going to be to only motivation that works. You should not be doing all the work, she should be so stop doing her work for her. If she says she doesn’t have the feelings for you then push her away until she gets them again. Otherwise she is just going to feel sorry for you.

[YellowShark]

Two months ago she started talking about a guy at work. I didn’t think much of it just thought she was making a new friend.

 

Yup. Same thing happened to me. I "thought" the EX was just being "friendly" with the MM who lives across the street. Boy was I wrong.

 

Fast forward one month, I receive a very large phone bill due to a large number of texts mostly during the day but there were quite a few early in the morning. I notice it’s a number that I don’t know. I ask her about it and she said that it was her just talking to her friend.

 

Yup. Again the same thing happened to me. The EX and MM-who-lives-across-the-street were texting alot. Which eventually became sexting, which eventually became a physical affair.

 

I joking ask if she is cheating on me and she instantly goes into defensive mode. She says that I violated her privacy by checking the phone bill. This sends all sorts of red flags up in my mind. I give her the benefit of the doubt and continue on my marry way.

 

And yet again. Same here. The EX got all nuts that "I invaded her privacy" by checking her phone. Yet on her phone were the texts from MM which were all sexual.

 

It’s a message from this guy stating that he wishes that he were holding her right now. I was angry, sick to my stomach and a whole flood of other feelings. I got up and watched TV until she woke up the next day. I questioned her about it and she once again stated that I violated her privacy and that I wasn’t stupid we both knew what was going on. I asked her if they had been physical and she stated that it was not.

 

It was physical. The OM stated "he wishes that he were holding her right now." She's lying about the affair, AND she's lying that it isn't/wasn't physical.

 

She said that things were going to be difficult because she doesn’t feel “in love” with me anymore but she says she still loves me. She states that she is “in love” with this other guy (who happens to be married as well).

 

That is because she invested emotion that should have been reserved only for you into her affair partner. That is because he was blowing smoke up her butt and re-enforcing the fantasy that "only he understands her," and "only they have a true connection," and all the other B.S. the affair partner puts into the wayward spouse's head.

 

Now your wife is conflicted, confused, and sadly the emotional-genie is out of the bottle.

 

I have continued to ask during this whole process whether or not I have done anything wrong or what haven’t I been doing that this guy is and she continues to call me the “perfect husband”, that she doesn’t deserve me.

 

I got the line, "you're such a good man." But if I was "such a good man" Why did she betray me/us and cheat? I take full ownership and we were both 50% responsible for what happened in our relationship... but she was 100% responsible for the affair. She knows that at any time she could have come to me and said "I am unhappy, and here's why..." Then I would have moved mountains to fix what made her unhappy. But she didn't communicate anything, she seemed very happy and loving with me.

 

At this point I feel that I am putting in 110% into our marriage and she is only putting in like 40%. She states that she can’t be close to be because she is still hurting. After reading the forum for the past few weeks I think I can kind of understand that she would be hurting but, since the choice has been made shouldn’t that make her want to spend every moment trying to make it up to me? I still want to be with her at this point but, I am quickly reaching my breaking point. I have set a date in the future that is my **** or get off the pot date. If things haven't dramatically improved by then I will make the choice for her.

 

Thoughts?

 

If she was truly remorseful and really wanted to fix what she did she would move mountains to do so. Since her interest level is low to fix the damage she caused, I would guess that in the back of her mind she is refusing to let go of the OM.

 

I would try marriage counseling first, give that time and if after that she is still only giving less-than-100%, you may have to pull the plug. In my case it was my EX's second affair and I could not excuse two affairs, my rule of thumb is once a cheater not always a cheater, twice a cheater ALWAYS a cheater. So I pulled the plug after the second one.

 

Best of luck Plastikk.

[Owl]

Spark,

 

I have thought this over and over in my head that she needs to leave her job. I have come to the conclusion that leaving her job is not the answer. I think this will just put added strain on our relationship and if we end up splitting up after all she will blame me for not having a job.

 

I'm sorry, but speaking as a husband who has recovered his marriage from a wife's emotional affair, I'm going to tell you that you're wrong.

 

Flat wrong.

 

Your marriage will NOT recover while she still works with OM. Her feelings for him will not fade while she still has ANY kind of contact with him whatsoever. The emotional affair will continue, even if it's just to when they're at work.

 

You will never rebuild trust in her, knowing that she's working everyday with him.

 

Your marriage MIGHT end if she doesn't have a job. But your marriage will CERTAINLY fail if she continues her affair with him, and if you never rebuild trust in her.

 

 

I am by far the bread winner and if she chooses to go with the OM then I wish her happiness in that. I just can't force another person to quit their job. She hasn't had any contact with him through phone\txt messaging or email. I do have access to all of her accounts. I have only checked 2 times though. I need to be able to trust her or there isn't a relationship anyway. I know that she broke that trust by doing this but, if we can't have trust afterwards theres no point in even continuing on.

 

Your wife is addicted to the feelings generated by the affair.

 

You don't trust an alchoholic to work in a bar.

 

You don't trust a drug addict to work in a pharmacy.

 

Here's my suggestion. Do some research online. Check out marriagebuilders.com...specifically their free materials, but AVOID THE FORUMS AT ALL COSTS!!!

 

Read Surviving an Affair.

 

Learn more about how infidelity works, and how to recover from it.

 

Heck...read my story.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

INSIST on what you need for your marriage to recover. Anything less is going to leave your marriage open to fail. Don't think you're being the bad guy by doing so...on the contrary...your wife will respect and love you for it later.

[whichwayisup]

What the Wise Ol' Owl said. Please, PLEASE, please, listen to him. Take his advice to heart and also go read his story.

[Plastikk]

Here's my suggestion. Do some research online. Check out marriagebuilders.com...specifically their free materials, but AVOID THE FORUMS AT ALL COSTS!!!

Read Surviving an Affair.

Learn more about how infidelity works, and how to recover from it.

 

I did read your story and am sorry that you had to endure that. Reading Coping with Infidelity on that website has to be by far the greatest suggestion yet. That is a very interesting read and it explains so much that I couldn't understand. Thank you for that, I am going to read through it a few more times to ensure that I get everything I can out of it. I am posting a link here for others incase they need it. I think that all who have to go through this type of pain should read this entire series:

 

Part 1

 

Part 2

 

Part 3

 

Part 4 (Final)

 

I will be sure to post back here to let you know how things work out.

[misternoname]

WOW! I could have been the author of your post a few years ago...the only difference (and it's a big one) is that I snooped alot deeper and discovered my ex was indeed sleeping with the other guy (despite her "sincere heartfelt" assurances that she wasn't).

 

I hate to be a pesimist but I'm willing to bet the farm that she's lying about not having sex with the guy.

 

My ex even did the whole "I need to spend some time alone to think" nonsense. Found out her "time alone" was really a romantic trip to Paris with the dude!

 

I think you're being lied to in a big way. I wouldn't move forward until you get full disclosure. Although a full blown EA is just as damaging as a sexual affair, you still deserve the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

 

And does she think it's OK to continue to work with the guy? That's like waving a steak at a hungry tiger! You two will never move forward if she has to see him 5 days a week. Why would you be OK with that?

 

I think her position is very one sided and very disrespectful...IMHO.

[Allthehurt]

For the love of God.....If I could shake the crap out of you I would!!!

 

This is not a time for her to dictate or tell YOU anything. This wife needs a strong man at this time that is clear.

 

I want you to XXXXXXXXXX

 

She MUST quit her job ASAP. This is a MUST.

She MUST wrote OM a No Contact Letter today.

IF she breaks NC what are you going to do???

 

 

YOU need to get the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass ASAP YOU read it and then she needs to read it.

 

This is where YOU must show a backbone or she will NEVER RESPECT YOU.

 

If you act like Mr. Sensitive and do the oh whatever you need sweetie she is HISTORY. Been there, Done that, bought the T-Shirt.

 

YOU must set a TONE and the LIMITS to YOUR Marriage.

 

She already showed you the DIVORCE card that she was planning on playing you. Next time, she'll be SMARTER.

 

I'm praying for you brother!

[2.50 a gallon]

No Contact is an absolute must.

 

Think of it this way, her love tank is filled for him. It is a chemical thing, think love chemicals. Before your relationship has a chance she has to purge her body of the love chemicals, an addiction similar to drugs.

 

There is no set time for these chemicals to be eliminated, but for now think a hundred days. Every day her love tank for the OM goes down by one percent.

 

Let's say she makes it through a whole weekend, and then the two of you take off on vacation for a couple of weeks, things are starting to look up, she has been away from him for almost 20 days and her tank is down to 80 percent.

 

Going back to work and seeing him will totally refill her tank, and the worst part of it, by missing him, it might take it up above 100 percent.

 

Be prepared to find out that this relationship has gone physical

[hunnybea]

Don't settle for second best. Tell her she can have him and if she goes, she isn't worth it. If you do that, don't let her come back.

 

There is someone out there who will appreciate, love and be loyal to a good man like you. Don't settle for less than first place.

 

As for her changing her mind...do you think she changed her mind because the OM didn't want to go through with his divorce? Since they asked for divorces the same night...

 

To me you just seem like the runner-up...the one she got but didn't want...sorry if that's harsh, but please don't settle for that. I wish you the best...

[2sunny]

For the love of God.....If I could shake the crap out of you I would!!!

 

This is not a time for her to dictate or tell YOU anything. This wife needs a strong man at this time that is clear.

 

I want you to XXXXXXXXXX

 

She MUST quit her job ASAP. This is a MUST.

She MUST wrote OM a No Contact Letter today.

IF she breaks NC what are you going to do???

 

 

YOU need to get the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass ASAP YOU read it and then she needs to read it.

 

This is where YOU must show a backbone or she will NEVER RESPECT YOU.

 

If you act like Mr. Sensitive and do the oh whatever you need sweetie she is HISTORY. Been there, Done that, bought the T-Shirt.

 

YOU must set a TONE and the LIMITS to YOUR Marriage.

 

She already showed you the DIVORCE card that she was planning on playing you. Next time, she'll be SMARTER.

 

I'm praying for you brother!

 

i agree - and i add one more thing... she needs consequences!

 

IF she isn't willing to do anything and everything YOU say - throw her out now! change the locks and tell her to go have him!

 

THAT will make her think twice about treating you so poorly.

 

she needs consequences - the easier you make this for her - the more she's going to do whatever it is she pleases.

 

she needs to be willing to give you COMPLETE transparency to every area of her life - IF she intends to even try to make the M work.

 

if she chooses the other man - get her out asap!

[Distant78]

Just like the others said. Don't settle for sloppy seconds, you can still find someone out there who will love you more. Divorce.

[Quest]

Like 2Sunny said, she needs consequences. Put some boundaries in place and show you won't put up with her behaviour. She needs to know you won't hang about while she has an affair and/or decides to leave you. It's just possible that if you do this she won't want the other guy anyway. She might realise he's not so great (if he cheated on his wife he could cheat on your wife too) and realise what she's losing in you. But even if she does and comes back begging for forgiveness, would you want her back? Right now you might be hurting so much you'd take her back whatever she said or did. But would you really feel the same way about her in the long run? Like others have said, there are other people out there who don't cheat and who are capable of loyalty, who would love you and only you!

[InceptorsRule]

You need to get your daughter DNA-tested to make sure she is really yours.

[Darren Steez]

The only reason she's still with you is because other man bailed out, with no where to go she had no choice but to come back. But she doesn't love you, and is pining for other man. I mean she was ready to divorce you and I bet you're doing all you can to fix it, asking yourself what you did wrong and trying to amend your behaviour and be a better husband..but it's not your fault totally, if she's not committed to making this work then you must do the best thing for everybody concerned and leave. She loves you but is not in love with you..come on, that's a bunch of platitude, trite, meaningless nonsense, all the while while you're fawning over her trying to win her love back..notice the switch..it's you doing the work..she's still yearning for other man. Till this point her actions have had little consequence, make it clear you're not going to play second fiddle and she must take the necessary steps and put in the work if she is SERIOUS about this marriage, everything else is a nonsense.

[U2RockZz]

"Am I fooling myself"

 

you are actually beyond that point now......she fooled you..good,yet she has not lost you.....

 

 

you love or don't love there is no "in love" ,fu###ng love.....don't belive the crap she says.....bid your time, plan your exit with minimal financial strain possible....

 

there is no point in asking her to do that or this...if she is interested in saving M...she would have done everything by now....

 

but i have a question.....did you really ask her why did she decide to stay with you......(if she asked for divorce, there isn't much love left)....use your brain

[Darth Vader]

"Am I fooling myself"

 

you are actually beyond that point now......she fooled you..good,yet she has not lost you.....

 

 

you love or don't love there is no "in love" ,fu###ng love.....don't belive the crap she says.....bid your time, plan your exit with minimal financial strain possible....

 

there is no point in asking her to do that or this...if she is interested in saving M...she would have done everything by now....

 

but i have a question.....did you really ask her why did she decide to stay with you......(if she asked for divorce, there isn't much love left)....use your brain

 

I agree, your wife screwed the OM. Divorce her ass!

[lostsunsets]

Allthehurt is absolutely right. she is eating cake. She needs to experience reality. Separate your accounts and kick her out. She needs to work to get you back. You can't have love without respect. Right now she doesn't respect you. If you want to clear her head. Go 180 with her. Let her experience life without you giving your 100%. The only person you should be giving 100% to right now is you.

[jnj express]

Hey Plastikk---I promise you that, that night in the hotel, your wife had sex with the other guy----why would she need to go for ONE night to think about things

 

Your wife is not doing anything to get back into your mge. You are doing all the work---as a cheating spouse it is her that needs to win her way back into the mge.

 

You need to go into a very strong 180, she needs to quit her job----what she had with other guy is hot passion and infatuation, and that is all----true love doesn't come in one month

 

She is lying to you with every word that comes from her mouth

 

Look at her actions, do not listen to her words

 

You need to set out strong boundaries, do your 180, and tell her if she can't be transparent, remorseful, and contrite---then D. is immediately on the table, and stick to your guns----also at this point no intimacy