loved and lost.

[VOIDhead]

**LONG STORY**

when i was in college studying for my bachelors in architecture. i had a group of friends i used to hang out with. and there were lots of girls in our group. around 10 i think. and i dated five of them over the course of five years in college. and except for the first one, the rest were all casual relationships/rebounds/or just **** buddies. and they ended badly, most of them. either i got dumped or i dumped the girl. but it was never a big deal, and i got over it in a few weeks, a month maximum. because i knew from the very beginning that this relationship cannot end in marriage because i don't love the girl that much. this attitude of mine, made people label me as a 'prick' and a 'playboy' and whatever. i didn't really give a **** because it effected nothing. the only thing i wanted was to complete my education and get the hell out of college.

so this was all happening during those five long years, and i never really let it bother me because there was so much going on around me. like parties and ****, so distractions were always available.

by the end of the entire course, i'd become very close to one of the girls in the group of friends i'd mentioned earlier. so close that we became best friends, inseparable. i had no romantic intentions for this girl at the time and just considered her as a very good friend. she had told me about some guy trying to hit on her and i was helping her out with that. so clearly, i had no intentions whatsoever.

anyway, the five year course finally ended, we gave in our thesis's and graduated. and i moved away from the city back to my hometown. everybody got jobs and that group of friends that we had split up and lost touch.

that friend of mine (we'll call her Z) and me remained in touch. and our friendship grew and grew. i went on a tour of europe early last year, and i sent her a postcard from each country i went to. and we'd talk on the internet everyday for hours and hours. i would rather talk to her than go sightseeing. and when i was sightseeing, i couldn't wait to get back to my hotel room to talk to her. i hadn't confessed my feelings for her then, but i think we both knew where it was headed. and we were both very happy. i guess because i was the only one from that group that she was in constant contact with. and i had begun to fall in love with her.

when i came back, i brought her a ****load of gifts, like cds and music boxes and books etc. and she loved each and every one of them.

i invited her over to my hometown and come over to my place for dinner with my parents. and she came over, and she loved my house and my family and everything. i was so happy. i still hadn't asked her out.

then she left for vacation, she went to new york and again, we would be constantly talking to eachother on the net. she was away for a month, and came back with gifts for me.

by then i knew she felt the same way, and i knew i had to make a move. so one day, while i was at work at my hometown, i ran off from work. got into my car, and drove for four hours to her city and surprised her. i took her out for dinner and we went and got a movie (TOP GUN) and while we were watching it at her house. i put my arm around her and i kissed her, and voilà we were a couple. i had to leave the next day, but everything was set. i had never felt so happy in my entire life. i was head over heels in love with this woman. she was like the prom queen of the college and i was the resident goth wierdo. and i couldn't believe that she actually felt the same way about me, after all thats happened in college. and all the names i've been called.

i drove home that night smiling the whole way. and her constantly calling me and telling me how much she misses me and that i should quit my job and move to her city. (this was her first and last relationship by the way, she's never been the type that goes out with somebody just for the **** of it)

and i did want to quit my job. i did want to move and be closer to her. i worked at that place for two more months and then decided to quit and move. but for those two months i would sneak off to her city now and then, spend a night with her and come back. surprise her each time. and she'd be so happy. we did have a pretty major fight during those two months. and that fight was pretty much MY fault. i'd given her the password to my email account, i wanted to show her something, and because i trusted her with all my heart, i didn't have anything to hide. later on, she said that she went and snooped around in my inbox and found emails that i'd written to one of my ex's from college. (this ex and me decided to be friends after we broke up back in 2005, and we've been pretty close since then) and she said that it disturbs her how close that ex and me are. and that i should draw a line. i told her she's got nothing to worry about, i have no feelings for that girl whatsoever and she needs to trust me. and we fought for hours about this over the phone, and finally she apologized and we left that issue behind.

anyway so i quit that job, and made arrangements for accomadation in the new city. HER city.

and the place i got was ****, and now i had responsibilities like paying rent and bills and all that crap. but we were both happy that we're closer now and won't have to see eachother on skype anymore.

life was good. i had a job and i had a car and i was living five minutes away from my baby. the salary was pathetic so my dad said that he'll help me out financially so i Z and i can be comfortable. so i can take her out for dinner and stuff like that. things started to get very bumpy three months after i'd moved there. my piece of **** real estate agent, wanted to sell the place i was living in and told me to find a new place. i had no choice, didn't have the money to talk him out of it. so i went looking for a new place, and wasted an entire month on that, and didn't find a single decent place to move into. and i had a flatmate with me, so we both had to agree on a place. it was really ****ing annoying. wasted all that time, and came back full circle because the real estate agent then changed his mind and gave us back our place. Z was PISSED OFF. she was concerned that this relationship isn't growing and we hardly spend time with eachother. and she was right, we never did. either i was too busy with work, or problems at my apartment. and because of that wasted month, i missed my birthday party that she'd arranged for me. i felt so ****ing guilty and stupid. this was something beautiful that was happening in my life and i was letting stupid **** like this **** it all up. this was the girl of my ****ing dreams and i was letting her slip away. she gave me the presents (a photo album she'd made of us, a bean bag chair and a book i wanted to get for her, but she knew how much i wanted it as well) anyway we made up and were happy again. and then her mom called me and Z started crying and freaking out (we were at her friends place at the time) so i told her to relax and i went to see her mom. i told her everything, that i want to marry zohra and yes times are tough but we'll make it. told her i was glad that we had this talk and i look forward to talking to her again. a few weeks later, Z was one day checking her email, and since i'd use her laptop whenever i was at her place, my password got saved at the sign in page. and she looked through my emails again and found chat logs between my ex and me. i explained to her AGAIN that she's being paranoid and i am not cheating on her for ****s sake. my ex is getting married to somebody else. but she just wouldn't listen. i told her i should be angry at her for going out for coffee with this other guy who's been pining after her since college. and she said they're just friends and nothing more. and we are close but we have drawn a line. we managed to talk it out and make up and things were alright again. but a few days later, her mom got worried that this relationship isn't going anywhere and that Z needs to end it. but Z didn't want to so she started sneaking around behind her mom. and would spend time with me anyway, we were squeezing in time for eachother by then. i couldn't go to her house anymore. so she always had to come over to my ****ty filthy apartment (thanks to my flat mate). i was worried about what to do and how to save this relationship. i knew i had to send my parents over to her house so that this impression that Z's mother had of me was cleared up and that we can get engaged. i told Z from the very beginning that i wanted to marry her and she wanted to marry me. that much was perfectly clear. and her mom knew that as well. she just thought that we were going about it the wrong way. like we were still in college.

**this is a really long story, sorry i'm ranting. it just helps to write. i don't know how many times i've written/told this story to people and friends.** Z started to get more and more stressed out, she started lying to her mom about where she was when she was with me. and she would cry when we'd make out and have sex. i felt so bad man. felt so ****ing bad. i wanted to marry this girl and she was lying to her mom about seeing me. i told her if i'm causing her so much stress then maybe we should break up. but she didn't want to. she said we'll find a way to fix it. and i knew i had to send my parents over to her place. i don't know why i didn't. the mathematics of it just didn't make any sense. i was earning barely enough money to make ends meet. how was i supposed to provide for a wife? my family said they'll support me all the way because if they didn't, i would lose her. we went on a month long break, and she did a lot of thinking during that break, i should've just sent my parents THEN. i don't know why i didn't. i'm such an idiot! when the break ended, she came running back to me, she spent the entire day at my place, and all we did was have sex, and talk about our future. and what names we'll give our children and where we'd live. and a day or two after that, she had a huge fight with her mom, her mom said Z's becoming a burden. she'd been fighting with her mom for a long time about all this. i just didn't know what to do. her mother is a hardcore traditionalist and i was just going about this the wrong way. i should've sent my parents over a long time ago. all these fights and stupid arguments were making her see everything in a negative way. she would sometimes seem like she's not in love with me anymore, but she'd feel sad and then she'd smile and things would seem alright. the mechanics of the relationship had been completely torn apart. beyond repair. and all this while... this other guy in her life, who'd been trying to ask her out since college, was watching all this. he was talking to her and could see that she was stressed out and exhausted and depressed. and he was just waiting for the oppurtunity for us to break up so he can marry her. even if that means a rebound.

by then my flat mate, had to move out and i had to look for a new place. Z got worried that we'll waste another month and the same thing that happened last time will happen again. and this time it was HER birthday. and i assurred her constantly that nothing bad will happen, everything is under control, don't worry. and everything was under control, i found a really nice place for myself. and she would've loved it... if she hadn't broken up with me.

that was the final straw for her i guess...

that fight just triggered it all. she came over to my place one night, for like 10 minutes, and told me we need to break up. and she started crying and i held her and kissed her and i could still see in her eyes that she loved me and didn't want to do this. she was so confused. this was something beautiful that she had to destroy. we were best friends and we were amazing as a couple despite our fights and arguments. there was just too much external pressure on her. nobody supported her. not her family not her friends. everybody said bad stuff about me, about me being insensitive and a womanizer and a playboy and that i'm incapable of showing love. she just couldn't take it anymore. i knew she loved me. but she couldn't be with me anymore, because there was never any progress. i told her it'll be alright you'll see.. i know what to do now. give me a chance. and she said she made it so simple for me and i just didn't see it. i knew what i had to do but i didn't do it.

she said i made her feel isolated because i never did anything for her. i told her i moved to another goddamn city for her and quit my job for her. but she was like it's the little things. you never saw the little things. and she was right, i didn't. the bigger picture is always the focus, but you have to look out for the little things as well. it's how you make the bigger picture. a relationship is not purely utilitarian, it's about a connection the two people have. and we had that connection, but i guess i took that connection for granted. i never thought that we could break up because i saw the love. and then after that, she just left... and i never saw her again after that. she told me we can't talk for a while. and a while became three months.

i moved to the new place, still had the same job, but i started to hate it. i would miss her every ****ing day. some of her stuff was still in my room, the presents she'd given me were lying all over the place. i kept trying to come up with plans to get her back. first i wrote her an 18 page letter explaining everything, she called me after reading it. she was crying and i told her everything will be alright. she told me that other douchebag has already asked her out and she said she'll think about it. which pretty much meant 'yes'. that talk didn't achieve anything. then i tried going to her house and having a talk with her mom and telling her everything. but then that idea got shot down. that would've been suicide...

THEN i told my parents, after all the **** that we'd been through, i told my parents to go talk to her mom finally. and that took about two weeks to ****ing happen because my dad had to go on a stupid business trip. *sigh* and then the parents finally met her mom, and they got along beautifully. but her mom had to say no. and Z told me later on, that it was very hard for her mom to say no because she got along so well with them.

and then that was it...

i got so angry that i deleted her from facebook.

and now i regret it.

i sent her a long email explaining that what went wrong with us. and why what happened happened. and how it's effected me and that i'm going through exactly what she was going through then. and i just didn't understand why she was like that. and now i know.

and she emailed me back saying, so now you understand, when it's too ****ing late? you watched me drift away and now you realize?

and then she said how she would've loved to be part of my family and would've loved to call my mom 'mom'. and that was it...

there were a few skirmishes after that, some idiot from college would say **** about me to her and she'd get pissed off and call me and shout at me and i'd shout at her. some ex would say something ugly to her about me.

 

she got engaged two days ago...

to that guy who'd been wanting to ask her out since college.

i told her he's a low level oppurtunist ****.

i saw her profile picture on facebook, it was her engagement photo.

i could've been sitting next to her that day.

that day was ours.

 

i emailed her saying that she looked beautiful...

 

three ****ing months since we broke up.

and she's already engaged to that ****ing prick.

 

i called her up a few days before the engagement, just to talk to her.

tried to have a normal conversation with no arguments.

like we used to before...

and yeah, i heard the old Z. the Z i'd fallen in love with.

the Z i'm still in love with.

 

she started telling me about the ****ing engagement preparations.

i told her to shut the **** up.

why the **** would i want to hear about that?

we argued for a while also, she just loves to lecture me on every ****ing thing. that i'm like this and i'm like that. and she prefers it this way when i prefer it that way. it was ridiculous. i know we're different. i've always known that. and so has she, but that connection we had was so ****ing strong. it'll always be there, its just that she will choose not to believe in it anymore.

 

i told her why are you telling me all this?

do you know how much it hurts? do you know WHO you're saying this to?

 

it hurts so much...

i miss her all the time.

i put away everything that reminded me of her.

but still, no matter what i do or look at or anything. her face always pops up in my head. it's so stupid. the most random things remind me of her.

 

i put so much thought into this relationship and opened up so much. told her so many things about me that i haven't told a single soul. that... everything is tainted you know. everything i do has her all i over it.

 

i'm shocked that she's engaged already.

THREE MONTHS. and...

 

i'm completely demoralized.

i feel defeated, rejected...

completely alienated.

 

i miss my friend.

i miss her so much. so ****ing much.

 

and she feels nothing anymore...

completely happy in her ****ing bubble.

 

it's only been three months.

 

i can't sleep properly.

i have nightmares every night.

my sleep is always restless.

i'm thinking about her even when i'm asleep.

she's the first person i've always thought about for the last two years. and she's still my only thought.

sometimes i feel sick when i think about her...

i feel like throwing up.

i'm incapable of crying, i've never cried about anything in my life.

and i feel like crying. but i just can't...

 

it's killing me.

sometimes i cheer myself up by thinking she's doing this out of anger.

that she's still confused and is making a big mistake.

that she'll realize that she should've given me another chance.

because she's said things like that, she'd be like 'why didn't you listen to me' and that she almost had a nervous breakdown when we broke up and didn't know what she was doing. and that she was in bad shape and upset and thats when this new ****er came and comforted her. TEXTBOOK REBOUND.

 

it pisses me off...

 

but then i think, she's engaged now. there's no going back for her unless something really bad happens and it has to be broken off.

but i know that won't happen.

 

nothing ever makes me feel better.

 

she was taken away from me...

i just sat there and watched her fade away. and now i have to again just sit here and watch as she does everything with this muggy cunt that i've always dreamed of doing with her. places i always wanted to see with her. places we'd always talk about.

Edited August 30, 2010 by VOIDhead

[VOIDhead]

today i deactivated my facebook profile.

facebook truly is lucifer incarnate when it comes to this stuff..

 

i was checking my messages on FB. some friend of mine had sent me youtube music links. and there were old messages from Z there. and i noticed her profile picture had changed. (i had deleted her from my friends a while ago, and its made me miss her ever more) so i clicked on it to go to her profile so i'll get a larger profile picture. and it was of her engagement party and she's sitting with that bastard looking at her ring. GODDAMMIT!!!!

 

that was supposed to be our night...

i was supposed to be sitting next to her.

 

i remember a few days before we broke up.

she was at my place, and she was showing me a ring she'd bought recently. and it slipped out of her hand and fell on the floor and i picked it up and put it on her finger and i said 'you may now kiss the bride'. and she started crying...

 

my baby...